absolutum dominium

coincidences are scary. my receptivity to them, even more so.

i think i think too much. i know i really shouldn't, but it was all a matter of timing, and boom. the timing was too good, and i was caught unawares. i try to be strong and resolute, but i know tt i am deep inside, a creature of superficiality and idealistic emotions. i try to stay firm, but i know tt sometimes i can't prevent my resolve from crumbling in the face of an assault by timing.

i'm leaving (provided ubc sends me my fucking acceptance package). i'm leaving for one year. i know all the reasons, all the rationale, the entire drill about why and what to do. but dammit i am dreaming too much. i am not helping myself coz it's fun to distract myself, but i know tt i am playing into the devil's hands because i am not strong enough, not practical enough, to stay out of falling too deep.

i thought i'd extricated myself fairly safely, but i think i may have fallen in again. dammit.

anyway today for some reason i got to sdba very fucking early. was there by 8.15am to be exact. this is the result of waking up at 6.30am and catching a damn early bus out. but as you can tell from the title, running killed me.

the runs before training scare me more and more coz they're back to endurance runs. admittedly i have to admit tt they are helping me improve more than the intervals and circuits, because i can survive intervals and circuits even with my shortness of breath and muscular pains in my legs. coz it's fast burst but i get rest-time later.

but for endurance, even though the pain takes a little longer to come, it kills me. it really kills me, coz i have to push myself the entire distance through the pain, and it's so so so so so much fucking longer than just 100m or 200m. it goes on and on, and even though i'm so fucking slow i want to amputate my useless appendages, coz of the distance i hit the mental barrier at some point in time, but after tt somehow everything just numbs out and i can complete the run, no matter how painful and impossible the task seems at the beginning. or throughout, for tt matter.

so melissa, thanks for helping me to improve. i hate to say this, but i have to admit tt as much as i really really really HATE the goddamn endurance runs we do before rowing, because of a) the pain b) the frustration c) the sheer embarassment of being a walking snail when i'm supposed to be some mighty dragonboater, and having EVERYONE stare at me with incredubility when i limp along like a wounded animal d) the guilt of not being good enough or for causing my partner or you and vic so much problems, the endurance runs is the ONLY WAY i really improve. coz short runs and running on my own are just not good enough as i don't test my mental barrier or push it beyond human limits the way i do in an endurance run. so thank you for this.

but tt said, YES. i HATE them to death. i really really do. and i really really miss those days when i really actually could honestly tell myself tt i FEEL GOOD RUNNING. i want tt feeling back again very very badly.

anyway for rowing... i don't know why but i felt very tired again today. it wasn't all tt xiong coz we've done worse, but my left deltoid and bicep were screaming in agony coz i kept trying to do the new stroke correctly. it frustrates me slightly tt i lack the strength to pull all the way back past my waist once i have a front catch; guess there's nothing else i can do except practise more and get fitter. tt said i think things are going the right way for training. i know tt there are some hiccups here and there, but properly analysed these hiccups are probably not surprising or unexpected, and as we push ourselves as rowers and improve, these hiccups will probably vanish.

all i wish is tt there can be more bonding between us. a lot of us are already bonded, but the thing is bonding within smaller groups just isn't enough. i know it's impossible for everyone to be equally close to everyone else, but i hope tt there will be more communication at least, within the team. we need tt kind of communication in order to find tt chemistry. but once again, i think we're headed in the right direction, so tt is a good thing.

speaking of which, i can't wait for penang. we'll be staying at the city bayview hotel. much to my disappointment, it is right in the heart of the city and not overlooking one of penang's famous beaches, but i shall take heart. hopefully we will have enough r and r time to visit those beaches anyway *crosses fingers*. look at this full page of photos of penang's beaches. HOW can we not go there???

And the short write-up of the beaches:

"Beaches

Penang has attractive beaches that stretch for miles from Tanjong Bungah to Bungah to Batu Ferringhi right up to Telok Bahang. At Tanjong Bungah, the beaches are suitable for swimming.

At the beachfront in Batu Ferringhi several watersports operators provide sailing and para-sailing gear and speed-boating facilities. Telok Bahang is a picturesque stretch of traditional Malay homes with a pier made of wooden stakes. From here, visitors can hire a boat to take them to the unspoilt beaches of Muka Head and Pantai Kerachut (Monkey Beach)."

beaches and watersports. MMM. come on. it's our first team holiday!!! i'm so excited!

so after rowing we (mona, wendz, geoks, wenya, jul, yirang, wenting, cindy, angeline and me) bathed and headed to the food junction at cine for lunch. never buy ban mian from tt stall. it's damn lousy, and all the noodles absorbs the soup. i felt a bit sick after eating the noodles. then again eating the bananas after training gives me indigestion. yeargh.

then coz wendy and geoks had some job interview thing at borders, me, mona and wenya went over there with them. the rest went to watch madagascar. ended up browsing through the books as wendy and geoks found out tt borders wasn't hiring anymore after all, and mona and i just ending up gossiping and guffawing away amidst the stupid sports and fitness books with their photoshoped pictures and stupid titles like "lose tt mummy tummy".

after tt went to nua with geok and wendy and mos burger in shaw, then headed home for dinner. no, didn't even attempt to run. had to help mom prepare dinner. dad was being pre-menstrual today (and you thought tt only happened to girls!), and kept asking me why i didn't wash his car or sweep the garden. hello. when did you want me to do either or both? considering tt on sun it was raining, and on mon i was out by 7.30am and back by 9pm, do you expect me to do either in the darkness? unfortunately i do not have night vision. if i did i would have made millions selling myself to the circus and i would have hired my own damn maid.

so here i am. washed my own clothes again. dad wants me to stay home coz the carpenter is coming again tomorrow. sometimes i wonder why the fuck my family is so screwed up. my dad hasn't done anything and always perpetually complains tt he is tired, or has injured some appendage out of his own clumsiness. and expects us to fawn over him. my mom works like a dog refusing all help when asked, only to yell at us for not appreciating her at all after tt.

someone please shoot me. i hate all this emotional bullshit.

thank god my father has never asked me to choose between the home and dragonboat (altho i was damn sure he was going to today). maybe he knows tt he should never ask questions to which he doesn't want to know the answer.

fuck the fucking ubc. it's almost june and my promised acceptance package STILL isn't here. i don't mind if i get a fucking rejection, but I WANT A FUCKING ANSWER. what the fuck is wrong with all these institutions???

and now tt nus has won the bukit timah campus from ntu, it seems LAW FAC is moving to bukit timah. wtf. this is even weirder than usual.

well. on the upside, it means i won't have to beg for a hall if i don't get to go for exchange coz at least the btc campus is only 10 min from my house by bus.

the quote of the day. i haven't heard this line for quite a while, but it made its appearance at training today. coz tt's when we're learning to perfect our technique. endurance is 1 thing, but we can't get very far if we're all chapalang. so today was stroke-correcting day!

and first of all. i had to bring the banananananas to sdba. kanina. bloody hell had so much problems carrying the damn bananas shoe bag bag and paddle and trying to bolt my front door. tt's the thing about being the only one at home. you have to do everything yourself. i wish i had the banana duty on a day when my dad could fetch me down. those bunches of bananas are fucking heavy. one bunch ok. two bunches manageable. but i had to lug 3 fucking bunches down to sdba. and i think i missed the stupid erratic never on time bus 67. fortunately i was lucky enough to spot an empty cab, which is a real rarity during the morning rush hour.

the run through kallang park kinda killed me. i rem a time when i used to love running. i don't know where it's gone, coz running just means a lot of pain. but i can't give up. it gets so frustrating sometimes when i really cannot breathe, or when my leg muscles just scream in pain and i push myself through sheer... well, whatever it is i use to push myself with. i feel like such a burden to my partner sometimes. today pinxiu was such an angel. she stayed with me and encouraged me throughout. and there was this fucking old man laughing at me coz i was so damn slow. fuck it lah.

rowing was a lot better than running, of course. the tide today was so fucking low we could row mud at cosy bay. we were correcting our strokes today, and apparently i don't have a good enough front catch coz of the positioning of my punching arm, so i had to force myself to change tt. but even though i had expected today to be a bit less xiong than if we did endurance and tyres alone, i was wrong. 100 of "pause in front" strokes is a KILLER. you could see our arms literally shake with exertion as we struggled to keep them at tt angle before punching them in on mona's count.

and as usual, the girl cannot multi-task. whenever she checks our strokes as a coxswain, the boat goes haywire. today we ended up running into (another) canoe. ended up in a erm... 'confrontation' with the school's canoeists after rowing. but fortunately it seemed the only reason they wanted to talk to us is coz they didn't want to get into trouble with their teacher-in-charge. so tt was ok with us. just get the teacher to call mona and verify with her can liao. wahahaha.

so after tt was the usual pull-ups. damn tiring. and then dips. whereupon mona started laughing uncontrollably, which totally made her counting danm off, much to the suffering of the group doing the dips then. and my bananas were half-spoilt... i think from the rain yesterday. kanina. *pout*

lunch today was only 4 people: geok, mona, vic and me. or rather, 4 people until geok's si geena siblings joined us for lunch @ PS pastamania. bus 16 took a damn long time to come. we could have grown roots just waiting. and while walking to PS another curious old man wanted to see how heavy my paddle was. i was so stunned i didn't know what to do.

speaking of which, pastamania's vongole pasta with tomato sauce is not bad, even if its minestrone is too sour. and i tagged along with mona and vic to gnc to watch them buy vitamins and look at supplements. ooh. supplements. i realise tt a lot of hot bods are all... CHEATS!!! CHEATS CHEATS CHEATS CHEATS CHEATS! what "diet and good exercise"? rubbish. it's all protein and creatine and caffeine. makes me wonder what will happen if you stop the supplements. will you shrink? will you grow lumpy? or flabby?

hmm.

left mona at dhoby ghaut mrt on the subject of breasts. me being flat and wide. *sigh* how sad. like i've said countless of times, inclined and chest press doesn't work for girls. it makes you wider and flatter only. oh well.

went to california fitness centre to hang out for a while. well, not really hang out there. i'm a new member. tried to do more running, but i alternate between running and walking. kanina. i'm damn pised with myself. in the end the friend i was supposed to meet showed up really late, so i went to subway to da pao my dinner and go home.

i hate bringing the damn paddle around. it's so fucking bulky. i can't walk around anywhere without an excess of barang barang, i find it so hard to do things like pay for stuff or whatever because i can't juggle everything, i bang into people or peopel bang into me all the time coz i have a much increased surface area... ARGH!!! and people keep asking me abt it. they call it a "stick".

anyway now tt i'm home i'm waiting for my laundry to wash. need to hang it up to dry now. buh-bye.

For the lack of a better title.

Well, this post will actually cover 2 days, Sat and today, but what the hell. It's my blog after all.

So anyway let's start off Saturday with training. Sat's the only day David comes around to coach us, and we get the big boat again. For tt reason, I feel tt Sat's training is never as tough as Mona's training, coz David doesn't push as as much as she does. The endurance set was a shorter distance, and even though we were pulling the tyre more it didn't feel as bad as on the weekday trainings where the boat seemed to stagnate in the water.

The strange thing is tt, I felt more tired. Like, really. I just felt really tired after David's training. I don't know why, coz relatively speaking it's not the most xiong training tt we've gone through. But when I was doing my pull-ups, I was so so so tired. It took more of an effort than usual. Even Wendz admitted I was heavier to support than usual. The run kinda killed me too, but thanks to Meiping and Mona I survived. :) Thank you girls for staying by me and keeping me going and being patient with me even though I'm so far behind.

Oh, and um... I'm not very sure about my stroke. I would like to think tt I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, but I might be deluded, so if I'm not doing something right just tell me.

Ooh. But David made us charge for 60 strokes. I don't know if tt was intentional. But it was one of those "you think you really cannot do it" moments, tt somehow you just manage to do it anyway (though where you got tt extra strength from you really have no idea), and you feel really really good after tt. Good.

Training ended earlier. Like around 5.35pm we were done. Now that was another surprising thing. WOW. Usually we end at 6pm. So I rushed to bathe and everything, only to realise tt I didn't actually have to since the friend that I was meeting later messaged me to say tt he would be an hour late. ARGH.

Spent over one and a half hours wandering through Suntec City. I just *knew* I should have joined my girls at Beach Road first, coz I was so so tired and my legs were so sore from walking around and I couldn't find a place to sit down ANYWHERE at all coz it was so fucking crowded. I was carrying my bag, shoe bag and paddle around furthermore, and people kept WALKING INTO my paddle, and then giving me the evil eye. Don't know what their fucking problem is. It's not my fault tt you're fucking blind.

But the upside is tt I managed to get 2 white long-sleeve shirts from G2000, so I have more white shirts to wear with my black pants! Goodie. I wanna do an internship at a lawwwwwwww firm... *pout* I want the glamourous lifestyle of wearing black white and blazer and working in Raffles Place. Even though I'll have to work like a dog and get paid peanuts. But well... I can't anyway coz my training makes it impossible to find a 9-5 job anywhere. Oh, and as I was browsing through Topshop the male sales assistant came up to me and asked excitedly if I was carrying a dragonboat paddle. When I replied in the affirmative, he started asking me about dragonboat and whether training was tough. Coz apparently he wants to join the Ngee Ann dragonboat team but he was told by his friends tt training was too xiong. I told him tt no matter how xiong training may be, it's always manageable as long as you have the heart for it. So I told him to try it out. He looked happy.

In the end I walked back to City Hall. Saw Kym Ng and Quan Yifeng along Citilink Mall. He came up to me from behind in City Hall and graciously took my paddle and shoe bag from me. Thank goodness. The both of them were fucking heavy and bloody troublesome to lug around. And I get so many stares as if I'm an alien from some strange planet from everyone around me. ARGH.

We ended up in Subway coz I was famished and according to him Subway was probably the only place with seats left. We were lucky. So over my sandwich we sort of caught up on whatever we had missed, and I think I was talking and complaining about everything under the sun. Oh, and bro, it's true. He's exactly like KJ in terms of personality. I can't even begin to describe, but I think you've hit the nail right on.

after tt we walked through the esplanade from the basement where we paused to watch the hip-hop and breakdancers freestyle, and then to the outside past the june race course. he told me tt he's taking a tango and jive dance class now, which i can't imagine actually, and i admitted tt i miss dancing. i miss dancing, i miss taekwondo. i miss sparring and kicking and breaking boards. but i just don't have the time to do this now. well. i do actually, but i know i will burn out if i do.

and by the esplanade bay there was a french performance tt was incredibly funny, so we stayed and watched. then i was telling him about onyx and dxo while i was at it coz we happened to be there, and so he wanted to see how dxo looks like. when i told him about how uncles and aunties had apparently called up the dxo management to ask if this club had 'a gym', because it was owned by ntuc, he said tt this would probably be a club tt uncle tony would go to once he started working, since he behaves quite 'uncle' already.

we headed back to starbucks coffee at city hall coz my legs were tiring out again and we needed a drink. of course lah, no coffee for me. ended up with a raspberry frappacino. then he met a colleague from the navy and we ended up having a conversation with him (or rather i became the spectator of a conversation between them) about people and going-ons in the navy. it was incredibly funny. oh gosh. i didn't know how how MUCH travelling you do with the navy until last night.

he admitted tt when his ship travelled to pattaya (one of the sin cities of Thailand), they had quite a bit of 'fun' there. he says tt's why his other female friends condemn the navy. Say tt naval officers make good friends, but lousy boyfriends. He's surprised I don't condemn the Navy. I replied tt it's because I'm not tt innocent to begin with. I never was. And furthermore the Police isn't exactly tt clean either. It's just tt there's a lot tt's not said. :)

We hung around till almost 12am. Then he took the last MRT home. I'd already missed my last bus, so I had to take a cab. I'm really going to go broke this holiday.

Anyway today I forgot to take my resting heart rate (as requested by Mona) coz I'd been rudely awakened by my father. My mom's PMS-ing again, so he wanted me to 'give her a hand'. Of course, my mom forever "doesn't need my help", so in the end I decided to just wash my clothes and shoes. Oh, and I found the washing powder, so I washed my shoes with washing powder AND Jif (or Cif) today. Wahaha.

My parents were leaving for Brunei today. I HAVE 2 DAYS OF FREEDOM!!! Whoopie! I have the entire fucking house to myself for 2 whole days! I'm ecstatic. Even tho my dad a) will call me every night to make sure I am home; and b) my parents have given me things to make sure I am kept occupied. As of today I have been ordered to sweep the garden, vacuum the house (both upstairs and downstairs), wash both my parents' cars and water the plants. Of course, I will only water the plants coz they will die if I don't. I already told my father tt I will only do the rest if I can still lift my arm after training.

Anyway I saw my parents off to the airport. It was quite funny coz I was wearing my 'Single and Available' Nike T-Shirt, so while helping my parents to check their bags in, this ang moh guy started hitting on me. It was totally hilarious. He was like "Hey, I'm single too! Maybe we should get to know each other better!"

And I was totally flattered coz this guy was CUTE. He was probably one of those Aussie surfer dudes, coz he was tall and tanned with long blonde hair (tied back in a pony tail) and blue eyes, he was dressed in Rip Curl T-shirt and berms, and he had the cutest accent. UNFORTUNATELY, with your MOM and DAD next to you, you cannot say very much. So in the end I had to turn down his joking offers of "Can I at least hold your hand, please?" laughingly.

But it was so cute. Highlight of my Sunday. Getting propositioned by a cute Aussie surfer dude. Something most S'porean guys would never be bold enough (or charming enough) to pull off anyway. But I have to stop wearing that 'Single' shirt in public. Fucking embarassing.

We had Crystal Jade for lunch (Changi Airport has a lot of good restaurants! Gosh!), after which I took the MRT back home. Stopped by to buy bananas from Bugis, and oh gosh it was raining so FUCKING HEAVILY my mood totally changed coz I was cold and fucking wet. But the market uncle who sold me the Del Monte bananas was pretty nice. I didn't haggle, but he charged me $6.50 for 3 bunches, and he let me keep my wallet and everything first before handing me the bananas.

And so here I am, back home. I've got chicken to be microwaved for my dinner later. I'm settled and content.

2.32am is a little late to start blogging, but i know that if i don't pen this down now the next available time i can will be sunday earliest, and by tt time i'd probably have forgotten half of what i want to say.

anyway this evening was pretty eventful. my parents invited their church friends over to our place for dinner and a meeting, reason being because according to my dad, if they held the meeting over at someone else's place they would end earliest 11pm and be home late, whereas if they had it here they would be done by 9pm latest.

9pm my ass. by the time everyone got to our place it was 7.30pm. and we hadn't even gone for our dinner yet. but now you see why i had to sweep and vacuum today. and then my dad gave our guests an impromptu tour of the house (which he'd prob planned for ages but made it seem unplanned) and my so-called messy room, which according to our houseguests is miles neater than the rooms in their own houses. more evidence tt my dad is a freaking neat freak.

the saving grace was tt one of our houseguests, this woman named elizabeth, around her mid-thirties i would guess, was from the nus canoe polo team when she'd been studying in nus. as well as a 4-yr eusoff hostelite. so we had a lot to talk about. spent all dinner talking to her abt canoeing and dragonboating, the dynamics of a team and team suffering, the disgusting qualities of kallang river and the various floating dead animals tt can be found on it, muscular injuries and imbalances, etc. and because she was also a hostelite she could understand why i sleep at 5am and wake up at 3pm (which my mom never gave me any peace for), she could joke with me about how hostelites stash their alcohol and cigarettes away from the authorities (and visiting parents), and all the other various antics tt make hostel-living fun.

but conversation died when i got home coz my mom made me cut fruits, prepare drinks and cutlery etc etc etc, saying tt i needed to 'show people tt i actually did some work'. i don't mind doing any of those things, but i find it fucking unnecessary for her to make it seem like a wayang thing. i told her tersely tt my image didn't matter to me at all. i think the real reason was coz she was pissed coz i was going out late again tonight.

i don't see what her fucking problem is sometimes. i'm twenty-fucking-one. it's the fucking holidays. she has a problem with me going for trainings. she has a problem with me going out late. she has a problem with the way i live my own fucking life and i think it stems from the fact tt i'm not around enough to do housework, which is the most fucking ridiculously childish reason ever, esp since she's the one who didn't want the fucking maid, wanted to keep our ridiculously big house with our ridiculously big garden and god knows what, and wants me and my dad to help her upkeep this damn place.

it pisses me off. there's life to be living and i'm doing things tt i consider completely and utterly inconsequential. what the fuck.

ok. rant over. anyway after cutting the many fruits and preparing the many needless and over-the-top things tt my mom wanted to prepare, i went upstairs to change. had to take a cab down to meet leewanyi coz i would have been late otherwise.

tonight she was doing reviews on 2 clubs - the ex-centro club and one fullerton and the ex-embassy club at the esplanade, and she needed support/company/protection. and since sam had pangsehed us it was only me left. we went to onyx first. tt's the name of the new ex-centro club, which btw looks almost exactly like centro. she interviewed the manager first, then the patrons.

the manager asked us what we wanted to drink. i said "lime juice" to 'keep it simple.' her reply was tt lime juice was 'not simple'. so me and miss lee ended up with orange juices. but on the house, thankfully. the patrons were few in number (i didn't even know tt there had been a new club replacing centro), but from what i could see it seemed to consist largely of old men (aka old rich men) with female companions who were obviously not their wives. heh. except maybe for sundaes, which is best for guys who like bending over.

reminds me of the last time i ever came here. tt was eons ago. law bash, in my 1st year 1st sem. tt was when i mixed a couple of drinks, bottoms-uped a stella artois, and spent the later part of my evening puking over the railing outside then-centro.

oh. and we saw christian from eye for a guy 2, tt bartender who looks as cute in real life as he does on tv. but he kept hanging around us, whether coincedental or staged i shall not speculate. but wanyi die die refused to interview him. wahahaha.

after tt we walked over to dxo, which is the name of the new ex-embassy club. the place had been bought over by ntuc, undergone a facelift, and had reopened (although i don't know when) as 'bigger and better'. we had to cross the bridge over the esplanade bay. i love love love this place. such fond memories. have seen it from all angles in all possible lights; morning, day and night; from the merlion, from one fullerton, from the esplanade itself, and most exclusively, from the water.

dxo looks like embassy on the ground floor, but it has a very snazzy exterior. and when you go upstairs, boy. it's cool. they have beer towers instead of the usual jugs. they have so many different sections, including a wine and cigar section for the ultra-rich. they even have an alfresco section on the 2nd floor, which i was so impressed with. it was so cozy and comfortable, the view of the city skyline was gorgeous and the air was so fresh, and there was actually a live band doing progressive jazz. you have to see it to believe it.

the manager was really really nice. leewanyi tt bitch ordered a long island tea and he actually happily obliged! me? stuck to a second orange juice, even tho he asked if i wanted something more (kanina i cannot drink alcohol). and he provided us with a plate of free mixed nuts (which included cashews and almonds) which was refilled automatically when finished. there were more patrons here, altho i believe tt there may be more if the opening of dxo had been more publicised, and they were slightly younger, or at least more varied. well. wanyi did interview the guitarist of electrico.

me? i just sat there happily munching on my nuts. fortunately i am easily satisfied. but altho dxo is not a place for dancing, i think tt it's a good place to chill out, at least on the alfresco section. and ntuc union members get a 20% discount. oh. and they have carpetted flooring (not glass) to avoid the reflective qualities associated with glass and its effect on women's skirts, and on special occasions they have a trapeze dancer who performs over the dance floor. whoa.

reminds me of the last time i came to embassy. was also a damn long time ago. after my contract paper in 1st year 1st sem. i remember coming with the law crowd and getting fucking drunk (not puke-drunk, but equally embarassing). ended up exchanging secrets with a guy tt was even more drunk than me and later claimed not to have remembered anything, altho i never believed him. but tt was then and now is now.

now things have changed, the old has closed and the new reopened. from drunk to sobre, unstable to stable. funny how i may forgive, but i never forget.

anyway after wanyi'd finished interviewing whoever, we left the place. went to the esplanade gluttons' square next door to buy hokkien mee for supper (and orh luak coz my dad requested for it). tt stupid bitch was totally stoned and in her own words, glazed from drinking the long island tea. see lah? drink on the job some more. tsk tsk.

yepz. so after tt i took a cab home with hokkien mee and orh luak in hand. reached home a little past 1. my parents were still awake coz apparently the guests had only left around 12.40am. so much for 'done by 9pm'.

pretentious title aside, this post revolves around once again, dragonboat. see, i told you that once training steps up, my soul is automatically sold to dragonboat. oh well. hey, at least my brother claims tt i look fit and buff, even if 'buff' is not exactly the kind of word i would like to describe myself. buff is just not drool-worthy. i would like to be tanned and toned. not buff.

and i look mauritian again. kanina. i have a sunglass tanline. altho fortunately for me it's not as obvious as my livestrong tanline. sigh.

anyway training yesterday was well... ok. i had an agonizing 15 minutes before training brisk walking from kallang mrt to sdba. never ever miss 1 67; it's too much stress on the heart. the 15 min waiting time, the slow bus ride, the traffic crawl at little india... such that even when you get to kallang mrt at 8.40am you still have to rush over to sdba through kallang park, and the route NEVER seems as long as when you're racing against time. ARGH. dammit why can't i have a bus that just stops right outside sdba??? grr.

oh. but i think i found the shorter route. instead of cutting through kallang park you walk down the road instead, the one tt bus 16 goes through. then you take the underpass under merdeka bridge. it should cut off about 5 min from walking i think.

anyway i survived the walk. was just on time. thank god. my heart wouldn't be able to take it if i was late. the difference between punctual and late is push-ups for the whole team.

the water today was cold. icy cold. i love icy cold water. it was calm closer to the pontoon and incredibly choppy near the benjamin sheares bridge. felt kind of heavy with the tyre. i'm frustrated with certain things right now, but i guess this is not the best platform to voice out my frustrations. all i can do is put in the best tt i can and hope tt it is enough. but i will say this: rate is inversely proportional to technique.

i know tt it's frustrating for the ones who can't catch up either. it's not an isolated thing; i know tt when i get really tired and my deltoid goes numb it's very hard to remind myself of what to do (which is why i'm grateful when people keep shouting in the boat; besides raising the spirit when we're at a low, it serves as a good reminder of what we should do). and for some like myself it's very easy to feel inferior, like you're not good enough, just coz you can't keep up. but from personal experience it's just not an overnight thing. it takes time, practice and diligence. i've learnt tt as long as you don't jia zhua (eat snake) during practice, do your best not to compromise, even if at first you can't keep up slowly but surely things will fall into place.

and i know it is frustrating to not be at your peak; to not be good enough. from 1 uncredibly lousy runner to those who feel tt way about themselves, to those with injuries, my only piece of advice is: never to lose sight of the big picture. we understand tt we should always pull our own weight in the boat; we should never let others carry our weight for us. but in the event where even if we've pushed ourselves to the max, sometimes we just cannot continue because it will result in further injury. the ultimate goal is july race. we need full strength during july race, and even if it means compromising slightly now, if it's necessary to do so in order to be 100% in july, then it must be done. there's no point in pushing oneself beyond health if it means ultimately tt you may end up ruining your body forever.

it's not worth it. tt's my personal opinion.

no matter what the obstacles are now, just remember tt july 2nd and 3rd is the ultimate goal. no matter what setbacks you (and i) may face along the way to july, nothing is as important as being 100% then. so don't be disheartened now. we are all in this together.

oh. cool-down is approx 20 min now. it's partly a result of not being able to multi-task. a bit strenuous on the muscles leh.

thurs was lucnh day! unfortunately not tt many people could join us for lunch. but we finally got pinxiu down! wahahaha. hmm. i guess this means tt if we want people to join us for lunch, we have to book them early. ok. next week i better start booking more people early. i haven't had lunch with raine yet, and lydia too. it was perfect weather for beach road, but cindy had tuition today, so we just went to marina square again. the teh-o peng there is lousy. i don't mind paying $1.30 for it, but it was too damn bloody sweet and thick. not worth the money. wahaha.

conversation topic was well... we went back to pri school/sec school antics and cny religious traditions, particularly coz our dear yirang and geoks esp were such little monsters back in pri school! haha. laughathon again. i think we made very horrible students. and we all did tt whole "but we handed up our project to you!' thing with our teachers even tho we never did and had merely passed them blanks diskettes or disks with viruses or error messaages within. OH GOSH.

i went home early to erm... 'rest' for a while. tried to run; dammit running on your heels is like mission:iimpossible for me. i realise tt even when i walk i shuffle my feet along like a duck. 'tis bad 'tis bad. sigh.

i met my bro for dinner at clementi. we had western food at tanglin halt again. it's like a tradition. then adjourned to holland village tcc. introduced him to the wonders of the tcc warm chocolate lava cake, which is really really heaven. and gastronomic sin. and we just talked and caught up on each other's lives where we left off since the last time. and he was telling me tt he didn't want to be a heartlander. he didn't want a 9-5 job, he didn't want to go home to his 5 room hdb flat and watch tv. he didn't want tt kind of life.

ironically, nor do i. i don't want a hdb flat. i want at least, a studio apartment in river valley. i don't want a nissan sunny (or i don't want a husband who drives a nissan sunny). i want my own mazda mx-5, or at least my own bmw 5-series by the time i'm 35 or 40. i want a country club membership, i want a non 9-5 job. i want to make something out of myself, something i can remember and be proud of. i don't want to be ordinary. i don't want to live a life of mediocrity. i don't want to die and be forgotten in the sands of time like so many people before me.

but i acknowledge tt i am complicated. tt i am demanding. tt i have expectations. we've discussed it. some people are heartlanders by fate, and some people are heartlanders by choice. the latter choose to be simple. to keep life simple. to find joys in simple uncomplicated things like coming back from work to a home-cooked meal, to spending time with their loved ones, to watching their fave tv show after a long day at work, etc. they're contented with what they have.

unfortunately i don't think i could ever be contented with what i have. i dream too much. WE dream too much, me and my brother. we want things from ourselves and from what is around us tt is not available at this juncture. we can't settle coz we push ourselves too much.

my brother is in a bit of a quandary coz his gf likes to keep things simple. not tt we would disparage tt because there is a beauty in simplicity, one tt sometimes i wish i could emulate because it would be easier to seek happiness through contentment, than to constantly seek some kind of meaning out of life through the kind of achievements tt i push myself towards, because the possibility of disappointment and the feeling of emptiness is always higher. but for him i know tt he will be able to reach a compromise, to discover what it is tt he really wants out of his life.

for me, maybe i'm the lucky one coz i'm single. i can afford to be headstrong, to be idealistic. to fight for whatever i want in life, to be a go-getter, to set targets for myself and to fill my life with activity so as to derive meaning out of it. as i think about it more and more, i realise tt i may never be able to settle for simplicity. it sets me up for a lot of disappointment i admit; already during down periods when i have nothing i find constructive to do i feel so unbearably empty inside, but i can never stop seeking for something more in life. i believe we were put here on earth for a reason, and i will never stop finding out what tt reason is.

i guess i won't be able to be happy with someone who's too different from me. some one who chooses to keep it simple. i guess it's class-conceit or the arrogant mindset of the bourgeosie, but i may never settle. when i stop dreaming i confront all these incompatibilities head-on, and tt alternately makes me both sadder as well as more resolved. i used to believe tt we didn't really have to look at the long-term. sometimes when you like someone, no matter how incompatible you might both be, as long as there was a mutual liking, anything could be overcome through compromise and communication. my view hasn't really changed much, but it has changed in 1 big aspect: tt is, anything can be overcome through compromise and communication, but only if tt person has a similar mindset to yours. if the mindset is completely different, compromise and communication won't even occur.

speaking of which, don't you find guy-girl relationships so much more complicated nowadays? sometimes i wish i was back to the past when things were so much simpler, where there were no layers and undercurrents. now it's so difficult to maintain a friendship with a member of the opposite sex without speculation or questions as to whether there is a physical attraction in addition to just tt 'innocent friendship'. it tires me, these questions. apart from people like my brother and a few other guys, i can't sustain friendships with guys because people talk, people question, and we get so affected by peer pressure tt we just fuck things up.

it's ok in a group, but people like me like meeting one-on-one. i enjoy doing activities with people, but when it comes to friends i value i just want to talk to them, to ask how they are, to find out about their lives, to keep in contact. and tt can only usually be done through one-on-one heart-to-heart conversations over coffee, or dinner, or a walk somewhere, or something to tt effect. the problem is tt all these one-on-one meetings are the ones tt cause the most confusion. and i am sick of it. i'm sick of the mind games, the second-guessing, the questioning and the speculation. can we just keep things simple for once?

anyway today will be a rare occasion tt i shall be home. have to sweep the garden and vacuum the floor today; father's orders. oh, and pack my room too.

there is a certain amount of surrealism about sitting on a bus on a rainy late afternoon, listening to the melancholic strains of 'blonde on blonde' as the bus cruises down bukit timah road, droplets of rain breaking on the glass outside your window as you stare blankly ahead.

it's the pre-office rush hour crowd now; the students, some working people, taitais and other assorted people. all silent, no one speaking to each other, drowned out of the growl of the bus engine and the song in your head. everyone is there physically, but from their eyes you know they're miles away, thinking about that dinner they're going to cook, that project they're going to do, the people they're going to see...

the bus ride is a journey, not a destination. it's a period of waiting, waiting to get to where you want to go. it doesn't matter in itself, it has no value other than the label of travelling time.

yet, for some reason when you think about it it's all a fundemental part of life.

oh. and getting out of my bus seat i accidentally whacked someone on the head with my paddle coz this guy next to me - who was exceedingly fat like a giant blob of jello, refused to stand up but merely twisted his body to the left, expecting me with all my barang barang to squeeze through the tiny gap he had left for me.

so while trying not to scratch him in the face with my bag or shoe bag, i forgot tt i was carrying my paddle in my spare hand and while trying not to lose a grip on my wallet, it uh... swung around a fair bit.

whoops.

fuck. wed night and my mind keeps repeating 1 word to me: "mambo".

except it sounds like "mambo mambo mambo."

and i can't go. knnccb!!! grr. all the songs won't stop playing in my head. SIGH.

oh. and i feel like a ck whore. everytime a new ck scent comes out i totally lust after it. this time it's ck eternity summer... yum yum yum. and escada rockin' rio is so nice too. *sigh*

ok. keepin' this short.

to end off:

Take the quiz: "What Star Wars Character Are You?"

Anakin Skywalker
Watch out for your temper...it could get you into trouble the way it did Anakin. You have enormous potential to be a great Jedi, but stress has made the dark side seem that much more inviting...

i think we ought to start a blog for the team. just so everyone can write entries, pen down their thoughts about training, each other, stay in touch, etc.

but i don't know if the idea will fly since not everyone blogs as regularly as yours truly (except maybe 1 si geena junior (the one in denial)), and in the first place i don't even have everyone's contact. like, wth.

anyway it's a bit redundant for me to really be blogging my thoughts on the day since my day will probably be the same as the other 3 days of the week every week: i.e. training.

for the uninitiated, i have sold my soul to dragonboat. training is 4 times a week: mon, tues, thurs and sat. however, training means waking up at 7am to catch a bus out for a 9am training and to be there early (better early than late coz the boss will not be happy otherwise), warming up and running between 9am and 10am, rowing between 10am and 12pm (although we seem to have a tradition of going OVERTIME, HOR?), and doing the proverbial pull-ups, cooling-down and having a debrief that makes training end around... say... 1.30pm?

and then after tt assuming that you have nothing to do for the rest of the day (which is usually me coz i: 1) don't have a job and am totally monetarily dependent on my parents, and 2) don't make social life plans on training days in anticipation of the fact tt i will be tired, grouchy, sleepy and will need to have dinner with the parents so as not to get into their even WORSE books for having been swallowed up whole by the kallang river), you'll help to keep all the equipment and go to bathe @ the stadium with the rest of the team. factor in waiting time, and you should be done by 2.45pm, give or take 15 minutes depending on how fast or slow the boss... *cough cough* uh, i mean the slowest bather takes to do her hair *cough cough* uh, i mean bathe. yes, tt's it. bathe.

give yourself another say... 30 minutes to 45 minutes to get from the stadium to the lunch place (factor in waiting time, walking time, bus travelling time), and maybe add 10 minutes for food ordering time and waiting time before everyone settles in to eat... and i think lunch should be around 3.30pm, and more or less completed between 4pm and 4.15pm. now, factor in the usual team-nuaing time (i.e. when we all think it's too early to just go home and will die die stay out a little longer even if it means vegetating at pac coffee along with the other no-life s'poreans), add another 2 hours or more... and by the time i reach home it's nicely between 6pm and 7 pm. just in time for dinner.

so now you understand why training saps your life away. oh, and why my mom's turning into the three-headed monster over my training? all she can do is nag nag nag about why the hell i need 12 hours to train. and even when i explain everything tt we do it seems she omegas my explanation the way i omega her naggings. UGH.

anyway besides training itself, there's also the sleeping early parts. no more mambo nights, not more late night movies or suppers... all because i need to sleep by a certain time so tt i won't die for training the next day. and the food bans. no chili - no chili padi, no chili sauce, no belachan, no sambal etc. no coffee, tea or any other caffeinated drinks. no ice-cream. no potato chips or heaty snacks. absolutely no coconut milk. includes no curry, no nasi lomak (the david way), no red ruby burbur chacha or chendol. oh, and no alcohol. *sobz* yes. tt's kind of hell on social outings.

anyway this is a breakdown on how life is with training. but even though i make it sound like a hazardous occupation, it's actually incredibly fun. i love love love my teammates. i love hanging out with them and talking cock and absolute nonsense, because i never ever laugh so hard as with them, never forget about my troubles or problems or issues as long as i am with them.

anyway woke up this morning to have breakfast. mom got me to dump the clothes for her in the washing machine while i was at it. got to training after tt... btw. is there a shorter way to training from kallang mrt rather than thru kallang park? i suspect there is one but i know not what it is.

the rowing today was... well... i like it. i like the rowing to be tough, actually. i can't wait till the period where i ache ALL THE TIME, and not just when i get up in the morning. it's such a sentimentally familiar sensation. endurance set was kind of sian... i guess tt's why it's call the endurance set. you really have to endure. loved the tyre set even though it was damn xiong and felt like we weren't moving and the boss cheated our feelings! and the race set! nice... damn chuan, damn suan, had to keep reminding myself about my stroke and to not slack, but i found tt wave so exciting! such a big wave! the yelling at each other to be steady! and how our timing was miraculously uniform! ooh.

i loved my boat. morale was damn high. tt's why we always need loudhailers around. to remind, to encourage, to motivate. it only works when everyone really really wants to give their all for each other. i think we put in our best. special mention to jul my partner this time, who really pushed herself and even managed to tell me to "jia you" when we were all so tired, and to yirang for giving her all even though she's not fully recovered from injury.

after training, i found 2 missed calls from my dad tt really pissed me off. the cordless phone receiver was apparently missing, and he was accusing me 2 times on my voice mail for having lost it, and he was screaming idle threats and telling me what an emergency this was (btw. i found the phone later in the attic, where HE HAD BEEN ON SAT). and when i called him he accused me some more, then said tt even though he understood tt i was training for a competition, my "mom was very tired" and he wanted me to help. as if 1) i don't help at all and 2) i have a moral obligation to be the new family fucking maid. i think i was pretty pissed. wanted to bathe and go home, but on coming out from the sdba shower i saw mona, geok, wendz, yunshan and vic and they hadn't bathed yet, and somehow i got convinced to go for lunch with them.

ended up reading the economist outside the stadium shower rooms waiting till the si geenas who'd finished bathing first came out. inspite of much efforts to persuade us to eat at beach road by cindy, who was supported by jul and wenya, she was overruled by the more spoilt seniors who wanted air-con. bwahaha. we ended up at bk at raffles city. but with about 5 of us munching on subway sandwiches.

ooh. and the boss has never watched star wars! *shock shock horror horror* the boss has not fully comprehended the attraction of the dark side! *shock shock horror horror* but we did eat the star potatoes. which are small, few, and totally not worth the fucking $2.20, but an experience to eat. star-shaped hash browns. very cute. very nice too. brings out the jedi in me. well. not. are jedi sexist? it seems i generally don't see female knights in the order, although i thought i might have seen a female jedi warrior get destroyed by palpatine's order 66 in episode iii. hmm. can't remember.

i think i was saying something about becoming darth vader after eating star potatoes. so tt i can go: "luke. i am your father."

wendy one-upped me with the hokkien version: "luke. wa si lim lao pei."

we have si geena juniors. we have si geena seniors. i can't rem what we were talking about, but every now and then the temperature dropped a few degrees with every sentence tt came out from cindy's and yirang's mouths. i don't know how geok and yunshan managed to survive between them. they both looked seriously traumatised. and then dear wendy pointed to me and said: "she's rock, and i'm chick" and then we chimed in together: "we're rock chicks!" (complete with spastic grin and cute japanese hand sign)... and i think all credibility has been lost as of now.

and we were talking about how chao tar we all were. i'm damn chao tar now. me and wendz same colour. turning black. roasting in the sun. sunblock bloody not working lah!!! knn.

and after tt some of them went to k box to ktv, but i opted to take the bus home with wenting, seeing as it is tt my father would want me to come home to do more housework. knn.

anyway was just talknig to wenting on the bus. realise tt we're damn similar. both damn quiet, but with hidden si geena. both from scgs, and cannot stand the damn politically-correct "must be a kim gek" attitude of tt place, and both kentang to the core. she confessed to me tt for the first few weeks of training she couldn't bring herself to say "jia you" coz it was so not her to say stuff like tt...

and i started laughing coz tt's exactly how i felt for the first few MONTHS of training. me? bloody kentang never speak a word of chinese if i can help it and i have to say "jia you???" add oil??? HUH?

but you get used to it. tt's what i told her. dragonboat puts a lot of new words into your vocabulary tt you never knew existed before. like si geena for one. or 'zhua'. or well... there were a lot of more words and phrases tt i never knew before till now, but you learn new things everyday now don't you?

speaking of learning new things, i was just thinking about time. past, present and future. we live in the present, but we prepare for the future. and if this is such a case, what is the importance of the past? it's no point living in the past or holding on to something tt is no longer there. yet the reason why the past is so important, is because it forms you. it is what moulds you, develops your character, increases your knowledge, forms the basis for your relationships with other people and the world around you, gives you life's lessons for you to hold on to, and explains the present (and future).

just a thought. but we should always live in the present. and keep the future in mind.

oh. and one more thing. one of my fave phrases has always been "feel good running". but since i find it hard to do tt right now, i think i should have it replaced with "feel good rowing". coz it's true. feeling good rowing is a damn unparalleled feeling.

god. i think i sound obsessed.

but coz dragonboat is a much better alternative to coming to a home where you are forced to be domesticated and have to deal with squabbling parents all the fucking time, so you must excuse me. no matter how horrible i may feel during a run, it beats coming home to a place where your parents just fight fight fight hands down anyday.

i'm fucking sian now.

for the lack of a better title.

i feel ashamed for my lack of updates. what's the point of keeping an online diary to chronicle your life when you don't bother to use it?

anyway just a brief (well... not really) recap of the past few days... ok i correct myself. a brief recap would read like this: training. family + church. training.

saturday was training. our best friend the doughnut made its maiden appearance for the pre-july race training. and circuits kill me. as always. and on sunday i went to church for some thanksgiving mass for the novena church rcia with my parents. it was well... i tried to get my parents to renew their marriage vows since the priest offered free marriage vows renewals services, but my mom as usual played the proverbial unsentimental wet blanket and refused to go up, even tho my dad looked really excited.

oh, and there were testimonials from 2 new catholics who underwent the rcia programme. the 2nd testimonial-giver spent half an hour telling us tt the "rcia changed her life" (altho we were not given an insight into how this was made possible), and proceeded to thank the priest, the priest, her godparents, her parents, her uncles and aunts, her friends, jesus mary and joseph, all the saints etc etc etc, and from my pov it looked as if the priest had fallen asleep in his chair. no, seriously, his head was leaning on his right hand has if he were deep in thought, except his eyes looked closed. i turned to my dad and said tt nowadays even religious testimonials ought to be vetted. keep them to a min of 2 pages please.

but boy the applause at the end of the half-hour-long testimonial was resounding.

after hi-tea and mingling with the adults and hearing some of them wax lyrical about their astonishing contributions to the church and all the voluntary work tt they have done to secure their places in heaven, my dad dragged me shopping with him. he wanted to get a new phone. i wanted the sony ericsson k700i, but in the end i let him buy the snazzy nokia 7270 in place of my phone. so i gotta wait some more. sigh.

and then in true dad fashion, he asked ME to read his manual and teach him how to use his new phone. so he hands me the box and tells me to assemble the phone, charge it, learn all the functions and teach him how to use all of them. and then when i'm going through the stuff on the menu he grabs his phone back from me, fiddles around with everything, tells me he doesn't know what to do and asks me to explain everything to him, except tt:

1. i haven't even really looked at anything in the phone.
2. he refuses to hand over the phone so i can't see what he wants me to look at.

talk abt frustrating evening. and tt was after i went with him to get the phone, came home to help my mom cook dinner, and then help her wash up and sweep the floor. argh.

that was sunday.

i woke up at 5am this morning (this being monday) to sneeze. i sneezed for 10 min, blew my nose into a whole wad of tissue, and then went back to sleep hoping tt tt was the end of it.

well. i woke up again at 7am and my nose woke up with the rest of my body. oh, and for once i was awake even before my mom! wahaha.

anyway speaking of whom, i realise tt my mom has a number of facial expressions. scarily angry, sad, disappointed, the "somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad" expression... but i've never seen the sian diao expression.

till this morning, where i peek into the prayer room where she's conducting her morning prayers and she sees me awake at this godforsaken hour carrying my bag, shoebag and paddle, and she asks with wide-eyed incredubility where i am going, and i say in 1 word: "training".

anyway when i'm walking to sdba from the kallang park area, i notice tt the compound is completely empty. so i think: hey, we're prob one of the few fanatics training here on a public holiday. and tt i'm nice and early and can just nua on my own till more people come.

until i reach the entrance. and there, squatting outside (okay, more like sitting down on the curb) sdba is about 2/3 of my team, paddles and bags in tow. apparently we've been locked out coz sdba isn't even open. and i'm a little horrified coz i need the toilet, and when i tell our boss, she says with a perfectly matter-of-fact tone tt everyone else ALSO needs the toilet.

upon which i whack her on the head with my paddle.

actually, to clarify, 1) it was not the blade. it was the handle. 2) i didn't whack her very hard. 3) it was accidental. really. there were no ill-intentions at all. i just had very bad control of my paddle. yes, tt's it.

so anyway some security guard cycles up and finally opens up sdba! YESH. so you see people discreetly rushing to the toilet. heh. and then we have our run. i try to run on my heels. it works for 5 steps till i realise tt i'm too slow to get anywhere. and besides the in-labour-cannot-breathe-smoker's-lung-capacity shortness of breath, my hammies (the muscles, not the animals) and calves (the muscles, not the animals) totally act up. i love short sprints i realise, coz it seems to be the only time i can perform. but once the short sprints end my muscle aches come back with a vengeance. ARGH. it's hard not to be frustrated. thank god serene was my partner. she was such a motivation to me. the runs get longer and longer to me, painfully so. i don't know how i survive them. seeing sdba never feels SO FUCKING GOOD as after a run. really. i'm grateful to all my girls who came out to cheer for me, to spur me on, to run back with me, to offer me water and to ask if i was ok. even tho i might have been too tired to show proper appreciation, i really am grateful for the show of solidarity.

but once the hard(est) part was over for me, it was into the water. 2 small boats. with 2 tyres. well. you KNOW training has stepped up when you do the "2 small boats; 2 tyres" thing. i was in the boat with 7 people at first, and the warm-up set to benjamin sheares bridge felt so *rrraaaaarrrrggghhh*. the water felt so heavy i thought we had been rowing with a tyre... but it turns out we hadn't.

but i thought the morale for the tyre set was good. i could feel the boat i was in rowing together (the people in front of me at least; cannot see the people behind leh), could see geok and wendy (directly in front) give their all for every up 10 and up 5, could hear mona shouting "very good! yes, this is it!" from the back... and i have to admit tt was damn motivating. we should do tt more. besides "jiayou!" and all the subtle reminders to each other and ourselves, we should remember to acknowledge effort. it's very encouraging. :)

anyway yesh. training is stepping up. my arm felt like it was burning... and then feeling disappeared and it was as if i was rowing with something tt didn't belong to me. all my muscles ache. including my legs. wahaha. and i know for a fact tt all my teammates feel exactly the same way! but i think tt we're progressing. we're not race-ready yet. for one thing our strokes have room for improvement, our timing has room for improvement, and we don't have tt elusive ~chemistry~ yet... wahaha... but i'm confident tt as long as we push ourselves hard and as long as we look out for each other and keep each others interests at heart, and remember tt we should carry our own weight in the boat for the sake of each other, we'll get there. :)

i can't wait for penang race!

ooh... our trainings are getting longer and longer. think it's coz of the cool-downs and debriefs. i think we need to set aside at least 4 hours for training now like this.

and walking from sdba to the stadium to bathe, mona suggested tt i learn to cox. actually i want to leh!!! so exciting! so cool! but... i think right now i'll just do the whole circular thing. and since coxswain is spelt "c-o-x-s-w-a-i-n", i was wondering why it was pronounced "cox-son"? we ended up betting (or agreeing to bet) tt it was as usual, a david thing. he calls coxswain 'cox-son', and as a result the rest of us just stupidly follow him. and i was wondering why for the 1st year of my life as a rower i couldn't find the word 'coxson' in the dictionary.

we had lunch at millenia walk food junction. yirang was a bit quiet today. i'm glad tt she's back with us, even though she's not fully recovered and can't contribute normally. but some injuries take time to heal. i know you're very frustrated girl, but be patient. you're doing your bit by being here, contributing to team morale, helping us check our strokes and timing, etc. so don't let things get you down. and jul, if you read this, i hope you recover soon. take care of your wrist.

but anyway i digress. yirang and cindy are our original si geenas. they call it the jurong air. but we've come to realise tt the seniors have a si geena (closet) in ah ping, who seems incredibly compatible with cindy, and has been... horror of horrors, compared to david. i can't wait to see who my roommate for penang will be. fortunately for myself, i think i can room with anyone at all. just give me poker cards, and don't sleep too early.

exciting. i hope our hotel faces a beach. can watch sunset and sunrise. hahaha.

after millenia walk the nua-gang popped over to pac coffee to nua. we can't drink coffee though coz the food ban's been imposed! but we spent about 2 hours there, just talking abt training, last year's experiences, each other's siblings (i have none. sob. nothing to contribute to converation) etc.

love spending time with my teammates, both within and outside of training. i think team bonding is essential to this team for the race, because if we're not bonded, how do we trust each other enough to carry each other's weight, to have the same heart, to have tt chemistry?

contrary to popular belief, bonding isn't achieved through training alone. of course, a presence in training will def draw a team closer, but it's not just within training, but also what we do outside of it, the meals, the nua sessions, the outings, the activities etc, tt make us comfortable with each other, tt draw us closer, tt strengthen the bonds between us.

so the next time we ask for people to join us for lunch or dinner, just go ahead. it really won't kill you. and at least now you know why.

argh. i still have training tomorrow morning. i need to sleep. now.

oops. a bit overdue, but these awards were taken off wendz' blog. a reason why she's SO DAMN FUNNY to read. 2 components:
1) night cycling (i didn't go!!! *sobz*)
2) the exam period at yih

used with her permission, of course.

1) NIGHT CYCLING:

Oscars for the 12 t0 13 may 2005 cycling battle

most lau da award: miss sam
(she is darn steady,planning the routes,leading the way and most importantly...thanks so much for bringing the whole thing together...)

most handyman award: geokz
(she brought pump,chains,tape,light,apples... u name it, she has it...true odcaian...)

most "siren" award: wenya
(she screams when she goes upslope, she screams when she goes downslope, she screams when she crosses the road...anytime anyplace...)

most c gin na award: cindy
(well, she beats rang hands down this time round for wearing a stoopid white cap in e middle of the night...shade what huh?)

the most c gin na award(older version): meiping
(buaitahan,she and cindy, the power combined arh...lethal!!! kept sprouting crap that no one can decipher...)

most "rebellious" award: yirang
(kaoz...she arh chao ah beng, banged into the police car's side mirror...could hear a loud "crack" sound,the mirror was in a weird angle after the collision...the mata will sure catch her...)

the most "in trance" award: mona
(dunno whether it is because she kanna hit too many times on that spot by yunshan..she began to talk rubbish as if in trance..."your head looks like clorets"...what the heck was that all about!!!?)

the most considerate award: cheez
(she was the only one who kept quiet when she is tired and not disturb others...unlike some people who just rattle on and on...wahaha)

the most kanna laugh at award: me!
(dunno why they keep laughing at me...tsk tsk...what kind of sisters are they...sad sad...)

******************************************************

2) THE EXAM PERIOD AT YIH

the OSCARS for the mugging period 2004/05 SEM II
drumroll please...

the most permanent resident in yih award: yunshan
the most can sleep any time any place award: meiping
the most alwuz blogging and dun wan study award: izzy
the most cannot tahan yih food award: cindy
the most tired-looking and skinny award: cheez
the most not in yih but in arts award: jul
the most moving between yih and arts award: wenya
the most noisy cannot keep still award: yirang
the most pretending to study award: mona
the most lab reports to rush: geokz
the most like to eat arts ta bao award: serene
the most MIA(missing in action) award: shared between those who disappear during this period

and...finally
the most prestigious award of the OSCARS...
the most nirvana-attaining mugger award goes to... MISS SAM... (applause)

******************************************************

i love wendy ng. wahaha.

Blonde on Blonde -
Nada Surf

cats and dogs are coming down
14th street is gonna drown
everyone else rushing round

i've got blonde on blonde
on my portable stereo
it's a lullaby
from a giant golden radio

i've got no time i wanna lose
to people with something to prove
what can you do but let them talk
and make your way down the block

i've got blonde on blonde
on my portable stereo
it's a lullaby
from a giant golden radio

it's a lullaby
from wonder-woman's radio

********************************************

i'm tired, both physically and emotionally. i'm upset and i wish i could just blog it out, but on the other hand i'm too tired and i just don't wish to say anything else for now.

i thank god for my girls.

i was passing by boat quay and the singapore river, and i realised tt i shall never row there ever again. shall never see penny black's and coffee bean from within the river, never see the steps of uob from within the river, never experience the sound of the horn and the cheers and the screams and the sheer mindless adrenalin of rowing in a boat in the singapore river.

the river regatta has ended for me.

but my greatest memories will come from the sea beyond the esplanade bridge.

i have a purpose. if i am to overcome my troubles, submerge my burdens and rid myself of all the baggage, i shall do so by throwing myself into the one thing i love.

my dad was sending me to training today, and as we were nearing sdba 2 topless rowers (male, of course) were walking out from sdba to the stadium to bathe. and my dad took one look at them and said to me:

"aiyoh. these kind of guys so big and muscular. so ugly. how can you like guys like them?"

well. you have me there.
i just like the ape variety.

it looks like it's going to rain again. today's my mom's birthday. i just bought her a chocolate cake from sweet secrets and a picard wallet tt's made of genuine leather and has an equally genuine price of $105.00 to go with it, to replace her old marketing wallet tt she lost. it was from switzerland. well, picard's from germany... at least they're both from the same continent. :)

on the downside, my day started out terribly. and i know tt i shouldn't be blogging my emotions on this entry, but to be honest i don't want to talk to you right you. i'm fucking pissed. but i guess you know tt already. and i'm fucking hurt too. so maybe there might have been a miscomm, altho i don't know how tt could have happened since i specifically said "next week" last week (which means 'next week is this week) and i typed out 'this fri' on my message and not next fri. and even if there was a miscomm for genuine reasons, fact remains tt i took a bus all the way to town to meet you and i sent you an sms at 10 in the morning to confirm. so maybe it's not your fault tt you weren't awake then. so maybe it's not your fault tt you turned off your phone.

so maybe it's not your fault tt you were still sleeping when i called your house phone because i couldn't get your handphone and i was wondering if you had been kidnapped or if something had happened to you.

but tt being said and done, it's incredibly nice to know tt all you can say is "sorry. i thought it was next week." or "oops. there was a miscomm". i think it's incredibly selfish and inconsiderate for you to take things so lightly. maybe if i hadn't left my house or rescheduled other appointments it wouldn't have been so bad. but the point remains tt i took effort to meet up, and your behaviour clearly shows to me tt you're not making the same kind of effort. so maybe you volunteered to come down to meet me, but it's damn obvious from the way you phrased the question "do you still want me to come down and meet you later?" tt you obviously want me to say "no" and spare you the trouble of coming down to meet me.

so i say no. but excuse me, but i am hurt. i'm being given the impression - and this is not some insinuation, but to me something as clear as daylight, tt my friendship doesn't mean very much to you. well, maybe it does mean something to you, but it definitely ranks below your own beauty sleep and your own convenience. so i should be telling you all this personally, but i didn't want to make a scene in orchard road because i was so mad i would have said a lot of things tt i would later have regretted. and right now yes you've probably guessed it, i don't wish to speak to you right now.

maybe you could say tt i take your friendship for granted too, which can justify your behaviour. maybe you're right, maybe i have taken your friendship for granted. but know tt i would never take something like an effort to travel all the way down to meet as lightly. you ask me if next week is still on. i can't give you an answer yet because i don't know if i should still meet you. after all who knows, you might just end up telling me tt you thought i meant the week after again. haha.

so tt said and done, i pretty much wasted my late morning travelling to town. decided to make some use of my time in town anyway by buying a ticket to star wars: the revenge of the sith. i guess the critics have got it right this time; this movie was actually not bad. makes me want to watch episodes iv, v and vi again. so maybe some of the flow wasn't very smooth; amidala has been reduced to a hua ping, and i find anakin's reasons for turning to the dark side, or the way he readily accepts darth sidious' propositions highly unconvincing. but at least the transitions were smooth, the action was good, the interesting vehicles (like general grevious' spinning wheel ride) were good eye-candy. and yes, the story is very dark. but it wraps up all the loose ends nicely and links episodes i and ii to the following 3 quite completely.

oh. and on the bus back home i saw this mother and son sitting on the first row of seats, and the son mumbled to his mom tt he was sleepy. she turned to him and whispered to him to sleep, the squeezed his hand and held it all throughout his sleep, even though it meant tt she would be in a relatively uncomfortable position. tt gave me this very warm and fuzzy feeling inside. it's just one of those things tt melts cynicism in your heart, i guess.

reminds me of the time i was at delifrance, and they were playing 'never forget' by take that before they disbanded. in fact they were playing their greatest hits cd, coz i heard 'back for good' and 'pray' as well. and even though take that was a boy band and i have made clear my stand on boy bands, 9 years after they've disbanded there's just something innately reassuring about listening to their songs again. it's one of those nostalgic moments harking back to the time when you were younger. and sometimes it makes me feel so old, even though i'm only 21. now i understand why my dad loves listening to oldies so much, because they remind him of his youth. i have a feeling tt i'm going to be tt way when i become his age.

anyway i think my parents are coming home soon. we shall be celebrating my mom's birthday at hua ting restaurant in orchard hotel. i guess tt's all i'll say for now.

and so training has started for the july race. my running is in the pits now. i can't begin to explain how much i feel like crying whenever i think of what my running has degenerated into. i run at the pace of fucking walking. i can't even keep up with the team at all anymore. when i run all i feel is pain; pain in my hamstrings, pain in my calves, pain when i breathe even, and i can't seem to will my mind to control my body.

i feel like a fucking weak loser, and i'll tell you tt honestly. sometimes i don't think i'm worthy to be in the team. i'm just not fit enough, not good enough. my running's a fucking pathetic joke. i'm a fucking senior and i need someone to run beside me to encourage me to run when i'm fucking 10 minutes behind the rest of the team and fucking old men are running faster than me.

but tt said whining and crying and feeling all upset and demoralised isn't going to change anything, nor is it going to make me a better runner, or less of a burden to anyone. i know i am a fucking big burden right now. i hold everyone back coz i'm so fucking slow tt a fast run denegerates into a long run for me. i hold back the people who run with me because they can't perform. i hold back training coz no one can get into the boat until i come back from the longest runs in my life.

so i will practice on my own. i shall run on my own. i need to correct my running technique otherwise it's going to keep hurting every fucking time. and it's not easy. it's a lot harder than i thought. i keep running on my toes, which puts too much pressure on my thighs and calves. i am trying to change, but i realise even my WALKING is on my toes, which is why the transition is so fucking minute. coz i am changing a whole life habit.

but i will do it. by july, i SHALL be a good runner. by july, i SHALL run on my heels. by july, i def SHALL be running with the team.

****************************************************************

in other news:

i don't know why. dragonboat is one of the most important things to me. it takes precedence over my studies, my social life, and admittedly even over my family. my parents are very unhappy tt this holiday i can't go overseas with them coz i have training. they actually wanted to meet me in penang after the penang race, but i told them i couldn't coz i had to fly home with the team for training.

but the thing is as i've said it before, i don't exactly like training. you'd have to have an iq of 0 not to already realise tt i hate running. you can tell, can't you? i'm okay with rowing, but i have a big problem with my very big biceps and towering (ok. not in height. more like in width) physique and my weight.

but i love dragonboat, because i love my team. i love the people tt i'm with, tt i train with, tt i have lunch with, tt i go on outings on. i love my big boss, people like yunshan, ah ping, cheez, geokz, and the si geena juniors (both the real si geenas and the by-the-way influenced ones). i love their idiosyncracies, their strange habits, their familiarity and most of all their company.

however, now tt the july race is 5 weeks away, i feel like something is missing. we're all there physically for training, we all push ourselves when we run and row... but somehow don't you feel an absence? maybe it's tt we haven't got tt "feeling" or chemistry yet, but i feel tt we all haven't understood the concept of rowing for each other.

dragonboat is a team sport. as the cliche goes, "there is no 'I' in 'team'." everyone is equally important, everyone has an equal part to play. as much as it is good to constantly improve yourself, to push yourself to the max, sometimes you should never forget tt you are rowing with 19 other people in the same literal boat as you. it's not just about you, it's about your teammates as well.

shouldn't it be about watching out for them as much as they watch out for you? shouldn't it be not so much about getting tt gold medal, but about rowing for them? carrying your own weight such tt they won't have to suffer carrying yours in addition to their own? carrying their weight when they get tired or they miss a stroke, because tt's just how it should be in the boat?

shouldn't it be about the spirit of the team, about taking training seriously and enthusiastically? i mean, since we all made the effort to come all the way down to kallang, shouldn't we make the best of our time here? shouldn't it be about focussing only on training? i mean, now tt we're here, no matter how many millions of problems we have, shouldn't we just leave them with our bags first until once debrief is done? what is the point of being distracted, what is the point of not putting in your 100%, what is the point of not being here completely physically and in spirit and giving your all?

aren't we all suffering together? don't we want to see each other happy at the end of all this? shouldn't we then be helping each other to improve as well, since the improvement of 1 rower alone does not a good boat make? shouldn't we be trying to encourage each other to go harder when the going gets really tough?

some people aren't used to encouraging each other verbally coz they think they might not be good enough. well, i personally think i'm not good enough, but i do it anyway coz i feel tt everyone needs encouragement and motivation, no matter what kind of a rower you are. like i said before, everyone is in the same boat. no matter how good you are, you will feel pain, you will feel suan, you will feel shortness-of-breath. and you will need motivation to continue. tt's how it should work, shouldn't it? similarly, when it comes to things like timing, strokes etc, you should never be afraid to correct others. you might not be completely correct yourself, but as long as you can accept other people's constructive criticism, you should not be afraid to give your own, junior or senior, because the objective is not to belittle any one rower, but to ensure tt everyone improves together. it's all part of looking out for each other.

i guess maybe right now there might be a sense of complacency coz july seems so far away, but now tt i think about it, 5 weeks is not a lot of time. june is going to come and go quickly, and we've barely started. we're not the best team in the world; we are up against very strong competitors.

i always thought tt the one thing tt our team had could make or break us is our heart. "one boat, one stroke, one heart". we have a boat, we have a stroke, but right now what we lack is the heart. and without the heart it doesn't matter how strong we are physically or mentally. we cannot win if we don't want to win, and we cannot win if we will not learn to row for each other.

so i hope tt we can find our heart soon; tt spirit, tt chemistry, tt produced a miracle one year ago.

let's row for each other.

the rain is spoiling all my running plans. kanina. how am i going to practise if i can't even leave my house??? ARGH.

just a few random observations, as the title clearly says...

1. there are these taitais hang around centrepoint to do their shopping. but when they do so they bring along their little toddlers and their maids. the thing is, these taitais tend to leave their children and their maids at some spot at mcdonalds or delifrance or something, and then leave to do their own shopping or buy their own food and enjoy their own meal while the poor maid struggles to take care of the kids. and what the maid gets in return: 1 measly cheeseburger. oh for goodness sake at least get the DOUBLE cheeseburger! it only costs $1.95 and it won't kill you to show a little appreciation to your maid, esp when SHE is doing what YOU are supposed to be doing.

2. i realise tt after looking at dragonboaters and canoeists for the past 2 years of my life (without their shirts on at sdba), my standards for topless guys is impossibly high. once i see paleness, or belly fat (and oh, underneath those baggy shirts, more guys have belly fat than we think), i get suitably unimpressed. *sigh* HOW, like this???

3. fuck image standards. i hate it tt women are kept to this impossibly high standard of thinness for what defines beauty by societal norms. it's not enough to be healthy, we have to be fucking stick thin. you see it on your tvs, in your beauty magazines; models with stick-thin bods with 'to die for' captions underneath their heavily-mascara-ed faces. how many of us have succumbed to the pressures to lose weight, even to the point of poor health? how many of us constantly suffer from low self-esteem? i know when it comes to my weight, i do. how many of us have fallen victim to eating disorders already? to fad diets? to slimming centres? i used to think i was strong, but when it comes to my body i know i'm not. i succumb, i fall victim to. i get stuck in a rut i can't get out of, fall into habits i can never seem to completely break. i'm addicted, and tho not to beer or cigarettes, i know my addiction destroys me, yet unlike the emotional addictions that i can usually tear away from, this is one habit i just can't seem to break.

i'm very upset with myself over this. among other things.

but it's not fair. women don't hold guys to such high standards. even tho muscles turn me on (there i admit it), i don't need rock-hard abs or huge pecs or bulging biceps or whatever. to me it's really character, sense of humour, charisma, charm tt win me over. but it seems to me tt to guys, they want their girlfriends to have hot bods. to be thin, to have slim arms and thighs and teeny-tiny waists, and better yet to be big-breasted. of course, i can't fulfil this criteria at all, which is probably why i'm complaining.

even then, it's not just guys who are harder on girls. let's face it. girls are harder on girls too. girls being natural bitches, girls just love to pick on someone who's "ohmygawd she's so fucking fat and she's squeezing her million pound flesh into a pair of teeny tiny minis!", or someone whose tummy is bulging or has arms like a man or whatever. i don't know why we do it. why there's this compulsive need to pick on other people for not being the right body type. no wait, actually i do. it's called jealousy, competition, and the naturally self-centred female psyche.

maybe you can say tt i'm not strong enough. tt i allow society to dictate my thoughts and actions, tt i should just not care. i wish. coz i've tried time and again, and no matter what i say my own actions betray me. what can i do about tt? of course, i won't succumb to fad diets or whatever to conform to society's expectations because no matter what, my race will always come before everything else. but i do wish to start something somewhere.

btw, i realise i STILL haven't accomplished any of what i said i wanted to this hol. i better start NOW.

4. BTW, WHO WANTS TO WATCH BREAK! AN URBAN FUNK SPECTACULAR??? it's fri 27 may 8 pm @ the singapore indoor stadium. from now to 26 may tickets are $35+$2 sistic charge. I WANT TO WATCH!!! but i need khakis who are similarly interested in dance...

5. Lastly... from the Jitterbugs homepage...

OL SKOOL HIP HOP WITH CAST MEMBERs OF "BREAK!"
Tue 24 May 2005, 8 to 9:30 pm
2 cast members of "Break!" are coming to the Jitterbug Swingapore studio to share their moves and grooves. Sign up now for this 1.5 hr workshop on Ol Skool Hip Hop and learn from New York's finest urban artistes. Don't miss this opportunity as places are limited. Register now!
Closing date for registration is Sat 21 May 2005.
Fee: $20 (Members) / $25 (Non-Members)

HMM... SHOULD I???

...it seems i have yet to achieve any of my post-exam goals.

yet.

tamade.

Your #1 Match: INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #2 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #3 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #4 Match: ISTP

The Mechanic You are calm and collected, even in the most difficult of situations. A person of action and self-direction, you love being independent. To outsiders yous eem impulsive, surprising, and unpredictable. You are good at understanding how all things work, except for people. You would make an excellent pilot, forensic pathologist, or athlete.

Your #5 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

p.s. blogging seems to be an inconsistent thing with me right now. there is so much happening and so much i want to say, yet for some reason i don't say it anymore. i feel so accomplished, yet so lost. so fulfilled, yet so empty. i'm confused now, really really confused.

if it's a question of out of sight and out of mind, then why don't i ever seem able to let go? it's better now than it used to be, but subconsciously you've never left. even now i still look out for you, still see you in other people i meet along the way, still wonder about you, still get emotionally affected by you much more than i should.

it frustrates me, but yet i can't blame you for remembering me.

why do i feel so empty?

it feels so good to be back online. i don't even wish to talk about my weekend, but i apologize if i was uncontactable then.

but today was a start. make tt my first water training. my morning run was horrible. in fact, my morning wqas horrible. a five-car collision along dunearn road (of the rear-kissing sort) made me 10 min late for training. ended up running from kallang mrt to sdba, just in time to catch the run. and then after such a hiatus of not running, the breathing problems totally set in. and my muscles were aching from misuse... and worse, halfway through i got abdominal cramps. and then i got dizzy and according to vic, my symptoms were similar to those of fainting. good thing i didn't faint. it would have been so embarassing. i guess it was coz it was so fucking hot. and i was dehydrated.

but the rowing was good. damn suan, damn chuan. after not rowing for such a long time, it feels good to hold a paddle and pull water again. although the new stroke and stroke rate leaves me damn chuan, and now my right back muscle aches like hell. it was screaming during the sets, but i know i was not alone. the whole boat was suffering together. of course tt makes me feel better. and it was damn hot.

oh. and there was this dead rat floating by the pontoon tt was lying on its back and was totally bloated. vic imitated it, then used melissa's paddle to poke at the rat. and on the other side of the boat melissa was happily dipping her hands into the same water tt the dead rat was floating on.

yuckz.

oh. but it started to rain heavily around 11.30am. now THAT is a summer storm. was raining so hard tt the drops fell painfully on my skin and obscured my vision. we took refuge at cosy bay until the rain lessened. however, the storm did nothing for my tan. i look chao tar now. ONE measley training and i look malay again. ARGH.

and i have ugly pimples. wail.

ooh. but we went to subway for lunch. i like subway. even though i get so famished after training one sandwich doesn't seem enough at all.

and we watched summer storm, tt german r21 movie about a rowing team. or rather a rower in a rowing team who is gay and is forced to confront his own sexuality.

i liked the movie. highly watchable. expected more from the sex scenes (wahaha. i'm a perverted bitch), but we could more than relate to the movie in terms of the training: the running, the weights, the rowing (altho i've never sculled)... well, except for the sex (none of tt here), the guy-girl r/s (nope, nada), the guy-guy r/s-es (no guys here you see), and um... oh yeah, the homophobia. it seems homophobia is a world-wide phenomenon. seems to affect non-gay male rowers esp. i've heard a theory tt non-gay rowers who are closer to being gay tend to be more homophobic coz of self-denial.

still... it's a strangely apt team movie, i guess. even if it wasn't all tt team, the leads weren't tt hot; the protagonist looked gay anyway, and the training in the movie just made me totally sian diao, possibly coz 3 hours of tt in the morning is enough without another 2 hours more. not to mention all of us were damn lock cock in our dressing today. we all went to orchard in t-shirt and shorts, and for me, i only have running shorts.

after tt i went over to the church to help my mom sort stuff out for her thrift shop project. my dad is still mad at me. threatened to cancel my phone line. parents.

in other news: photos taken from melissa's birthday outing at acid bar last tues:

Wendy doesn't like cameras. :)

i know my birthday is not till january, but if it is your will...

PLEASE grant me a boyfriend who drives.

i never thought i would say this, but sometimes too many activities - even of the fun sort - may leave you drained. not to mention burn a gigantic hole in your pocket.

that said, marc makes being at nus very bearable. thank god there's someone i know around. and boy was i ravenous today. and dinner and movie this evening was with ian. the food was horrible so i had 2 dinners. and we watched kingdom of heaven, which much to my surprise i found highly enjoyable. and he sent me home, altho admittedly it was funny coz he kept *hinting* to me tt "it's late" and "it's dark" and he wanted to take a cab and i was insisting tt i take the bus coz i was broke and a cab is too expensive. wahaha. my dad chastised me for being unnecessarily difficult.

and sigh. i wanna club tonigth with my girls, or or or winebar with wanyi and sam. but i can't. am too tired too. i lack sleep. knn.

This week is a week of birthdays. It seems I'm celebrating one every night. There's still tomorrow and Thurs! And a HC taekwondo outing on Fri night. Yeesh.

And it seems all I do is meet people I know everywhere. Amazing.

Anyway last night we (the Home Team Scholars) celebrated Leng Lee's birthday (belated). We met at Marche for dinner, and there was almost full-attendence, barring Johnny who was in Berkelah at the time. Ivan, Qicong, Kailin, me, Debiao and he even brought his gf along! And if the food at Marche wasn't enough, we headed down to Coffee Bean to nua, and gosh it was just calorie loading.

But it was so much fun to meet up with them again. Talk-cock session, esp with the king of corn Debiao, and everyone forever suanning poor Kailin over her waitressing job at Cantina. Oh, and of course, we always talk about exchange programmes and police attachments and the excitement of raiding some nightclub or disco (not tt that will happen in June for me I think), and driving and well, it just is very fun to meet up with them coz these guys are just really genuine people.

And Qicong took 171 back with me even though it's 30 min slower than his 190, and we just chatted on the bus. And he totally complimented me by saying tt I'm the kind of person tt is very hard on myself, but not on other people. We were recalling the taekwondo days back at Hwa Chong. He said I was one of the few girls who took training seriously. But my point was tt tt was because I wanted to improve. I wanted to spar better, kick faster, punch harder; whereas a lot of other girls were just there for the fun of it. Motivation makes all the difference.

And gosh it seems we're ALL going for exchange. Me to Canada, Debiao to US, Johnny to UK, Qicong to Switzerland, Ivan to Finland, Leng Lee to Sweden, and Kalin hoping to apply to Canada or somewhere around too.

Wow.

Today I had to go back to school, and coincedentally I met Marc and Lionel. Ended up having lunch with them at Fong Seng (which was fantastic coz I thought I was going to have lunch alone today). I overdosed on the chilli on my nasi lemak. But oh gosh I think they're very cool people. They're a lot of fun to be with even though I don't know them tt well. SO warm and friendly and funny. :) And Lionel's car is so drool-worthy. BM 5 series with automated programming. SO comfortable.

Oh, and Lionel dropped me off at the NJ bus stop, where this Indian guy from India (but who speaks impeccable English) struck up a conversation with me. Apparently he's a teacher for 10 Indian exchange students who are studying @ NYGH and SCGS, and while they're here he's their chaperone. And he was just telling me how beautiful he found Singapore, and it takes a travel to some not-so-wealthy country *hint hint* to fully appreciate the beauty of this place. Oh, but he says it's expensive here. He's staying at a budget hotel, and he says it costs $20 a night! That's expensive, coz in India you can get a room for 100 rupees a night. Which is SG $4. And a cup of tea costs 5 rupees only.

In the evening, we (the dragonboat team) were to celebrate Melissa's 21st (belated) birthday. I'd planned it as a sort of surprise. I'd take her to Swensen's on the pretext of it just being the both of us, and then she would see the entire team and be totally surprised! But unfortunately the cat got leaked out of the bag early (YEESH) and I'm a lousy liar, so while I was trying to stall for time she already knew. And when we walked to Swensen's her "Oh! What a surprise!" acting was so contrived everyone just sian diao.

But dinner at Swensen's was fun. I had some chicken thing and my beloved Swensen's Frosted Chocolate Malt. Heaven. And we got her a slice of ice-cream cake and gave her our presents. The team got her a shoe bag and havianas! And I drew her a picture of her and myself (bought the photo frame yesterday with the Home Team Scholars) as well as got her a bracelet.

The juniors were totally si geena. As usual. Cindy and Yirang. AIYOH. I don't recall being this si geena as a junior. And it's only a 1 year age gap difference!!! Haha. Thank God for Jul. Who's a bit more sane until she tried to imitate paddling... with an ice-cream spoon. HMM. And ooh... I want a paddle of my own. As long as it's not Cha'pion. Cha'pion makes a Cha'pion out of you.

And after dinner we didn't really know what to do. Wanted to watch a movie, but House of Wax only had the 1st 2 rows, and not everyone wanted to watch Coach Carter. In the end we decided to go Alleybar and nua (Vic's suggestion). But the door guy said the min age was 21 and as not all of us were 21, we detoured to Acid Bar instead. Which was a much better idea. We got couches. Was a little cramped and everyone had to really squeeze, but it was fun. AND they had live music. Only 2 guys and their guitars, but boy were they good. I loved the rusty edge to the singer's voice. And he sang songs like Matchbox Twenty's Unwell, U2's Staring at the Sun, Maroon 5's Sunday Morning, Sugar Ray's Every Morning, and even Howie Day's Collide!!! Oh gosh songs tt I just love.

Yunshan wanted to dedicate a song to Melissa, so I decided to dedicate The Verve Pipe's Freshmen. Although I should have tried for Lifehouse's You and Me since I believe they might have played it. And the drinks are ex. I ordered a Blowjob again coz I only like shooters. And Melissa ordered a peppermint martini tt tasted like Listerine; Wendz a chocolate martini tt didn't taste very chocolatey; Vic ordered 2 Charonnays (but they were good), Meiping a Tequila Sunrise tt was mild (and according to Cindy, not a dog), Serene a Manhattan Sweet (tt didn't look at all sweet) and Cindy a Corona. And Yirang and Jul ordered the housepours which were 1-for-1.

And later just to pass the time we decided to order a jug of beer (2 for the price of 1) and play a drinking game. I think Melissa drank the most coz she had to take Angie's and Yunshan's drinks as well, and for some reason Yunshan kept kena-ing. Then again so did Wendy and Wenya. Must be the red outfits. Or according to Yirang, the bad fenshui. I only kena twice. Just so happened it was in a row.

And once again when I came home, I had to pretend to my father tt I can't hold my alcohol. Till now, he still thinks I'm a damn lousy drinker. BWAHAHA.

*muakz*

Once again, Happy Birthday Melissa Pei!!! Aka Mona. AKA "BOSS". Wahahaha.