absolutum dominium

"Some folks like to get away
Take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami Beach
Or to Hollywood
But I'm taking a Greyhound
On the Hudson River Line
I'm in a New York state of mind"

Time is passing too damn quickly. Am currently in Lionel's Greenwich Village apartment waiting for my hair to dry. Kind of planning my agenda for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to catch the 2.00pm Broadway matinee for Phantom of the Opera. I've never seen it live; I know it will be great. But I'm also hoping to do all tt other touristy stuff tt is mandatory for all first-time visitors to New York to do, like go downtown to visit the Statue of Liberty; and walk through the financial district and see Wall Street and the NYSE where my dad remembers his fondest memories of being a young (back then) trader for JPMorgan (way before it merged with the Chase ground). I want to visit Ground Zero - and I haven't even been to Little Italy and Chinatown yet! How sad is tt??? And I also want to visit the NYPD headquarters - I finally found its location on the web! Yay! And it's pretty close to everywhere else I want to visit. The thing now is... How do I fit all tt in when I have to cancel out a block for a Broadway musical in mid-afternoon back uptown at Times Square?

Anyway apart from Lionel's roommate and his gf, whom I haven't seen because they were both asleep/in his room by the time I came back tonight - I'm pretty much alone, so I can finally do a nice long (yes, my favourite) blog entry post while my hair dries. I don't think I can sleep so early anyway. I'm used to sleeping so late every night, plus we had a really really late dinner tonight.

But for my own sake, I'l do a longer recap of how my trip to New York has been so far.

22 Dec 2005 - Day 1:

I woke up at 5.00 am Vancouver Time on Thursday morning. It was imperative tt I catch the 5.55 am #25 to get to the airport early. Turns out the whole bus transfers thing from #25 to the 98 B-Line to the 424 to the airport terminal for me to board my 4 hours and 45 minutes flight to Toronto was a lot faster than I expected. Got there 1 and a half hours early. More than enough time for my fave blueberry bagel with (extra) butter and hot chocolate from Timmie's. All was well until I got onto the plane... and 8.20am came and we didn't move. As in, the plane didn't even MOVE, let alone take off. And it was supposed to have done so BY 8.20am.

OK...

So we all wait. And wait. And wait.

At 8.45am we get the first announcement from the captain who tells us tt there is a SLIGHT problem in the cockpit. He needs to investigate, but after tt we will be off shortly.

10 minutes later, he says tt one out of the *2* problems discovered has been solved, but the cause of the other problem is not yet discovered. So we have to wait for maintenance to come in and look at the problem. The guy sitting next to me finally blurts out: "Oh for fuck's sake", and he's obviously not the only extremely frustrated passenger around.

At 9.00am, he says tt the 2nd problem lies in the air-conditioning vent. And then he says tt maintenance is fixing the problem now and we shall be up and running in 15 min.

Half an hour later, the captain finally announces tt the problem has been fixed and tt we will be up in the air in a "couple of minutes".

We take off at 9.50am.

My only consolation for all the distress caused? At least the guy sitting next to me was a total hottie. Think younger version of Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray. YES he looked exactly like tt. And he was a snowboarder too... Oh man.

But what are the implications of taking off 1 and a half hours later?

Well. I miss my connecting flight from Toronto to New York. That's what. I'm still in the shuttle bus from the domestic flights terminal to the US flights terminal when it's 5.15pm - when my connecting flight LEAVES. The incredibly fucked-up long walk through the US terminal nearly drove me insane with panic. This was only the second time I was travelling alone, but the first time I was travelling out of one country, to the US, and using a connecting flight... And I was missing it! F.U.C.K.

What made it worse was overhearing this couple on the same connecting flight as me calling up their travel agent on the shuttle bus for info on the next flight... and being told tt it was at 11-fucking-43pm. WTF!!! What the HELL was I going to do at the airport for the next 6 hours if tt was true?!

Fortunately my fears were unfounded (and the info tt tt couple's travel agent was wrong). The next available flight was an hour later, and they managed to squeeze me on it (in any case I was feeling pretty pissed off, so if they couldn't I would at least demand some sort of compensation for the time I wasted and all the extra inconvenience caused). Immigration and customs was a bit of a bitch coz the queues were snaking and both were big signs of the US' post-911 paranoia, but I managed to get on this flight on time. At least.

So the flight from Toronto to New York was otherwise uneventful... except for another fucking 20 minute delay on the La Guardia airport runway coz the terminal hadn't prepared any gates to accomodate the plane tt I was on. Talk about more time wasted.

And then came the ultimate challenge - getting into Manhattan itself.

I'd arrive when the New York transit workers were still on strike. Essentially short of cabs, there was no fucking way in hell into the city AT ALL because the buses and trains tt went there ALL weren't running, and I obviously don't have a car. So I had to board this yellow cab at the airport, and apparently coz the cabs were mandated to charge no more than $20 to $30 for a trip from La Guardia to Manhattan, I thought it shouldn't be too bad.

Okay. A few things to say about the cab ride. Firstly, NY cab drivers DO drive like maniacs. Everywhere tt there is space to drive and turn, it feels like a roller coaster ride. Secondly, the drive from the airport to Manhattan took me almost 2 hours. Mainly because the jams were SO BAD I wanted to kill myself. I think the cab driver wanted to kill HIMSELF. We were just going in circles trying to find the best way into the city, and it was absolutely crazy the amount of vehicles tt we were battling with. Thirdy, lastly and most of all, NY cab drivers are FUCKING CUT-THROAT MERCENARIES. My cab ride cost me USD $70. 70 FUCKING US DOLLARS FOR A SINGLE CAB RIDE!!! And it would have cost me $80 coz tt was the cabbie's original asking price. I had to bargain it down to USD $50 before he would bring it down ever-so-reluctantly to USD $70. Even then he was pretty unhappy. Coz I was paying him $10 less than he wanted AND I wouldn't even TIP HIM! Bwahaha. But I wasn't prepared for the sheer expensiveness of cab rides in this city. Oh, and did I mention? The cab driver was Indian. Think Russell Peters and his theory on why Indians and Chinese cannot enter into economic transactions with each other. One will try to get the best bargain out of you; the other will try his/her best to prevent you from making tt bargain.

Bleah.

But tt said, I agreed to pay the cab driver because 1) he DID get me to Lionel's place, and I swear there was NO WAY IN HELL I'd be able to get there otherwise; 2) I did feel sorry for him coz he had to drive all the way from the airport to the city in such appalling conditions and he needed to find his way out again and STILL in such appalling conditions, and I think his wife was waiting for coz he had received 2 calls while driving enquiring as to his whereabouts; and 3) I wasn't about to listen to his sob story about how difficult it was for him to get me from the airport to the city, which I swear he was just about to launch into until I decided to shut him up with a wad of greenbacks.

But FUCK. $70 US is still damn fucking PAINFUL to part with, esp since there is so much more tt I could have done with the money. Ever since then, as Eunice will notice, I have had a huge grudge against NY cab drivers.

Anyway Lionel's got a really nice place in Greenwich. Siyuan and Eunice had been staying with him since the 21st. So there was going to be the 4 of us. It is obviously a pretty tight arrangement, but so far all has been going great and Lionel's been more than a fantastic host. I can't really remember what we did, but I slept kind of late tt night... Oh yar... We hung around a bit discussing what we (Siyuan and Eunice, with me as the tagalong) could possibly do in NY, and Lionel ordered pizza for supper (which was fine with me coz I didn't have lunch/dinner), and Domino's tasted fantastic for the first time.

23 Dec 2005 - Day 2:

Siyuan, Eunice and I went to visit the United Nations Headquarters in the morning. Well, firstly we needed to take the subway there - coz the strike had finally and THANKFULLY ended!!!



...So here is Eunice and I getting our Metrocards from the vending machines. (Note: A few photos are available thanks to Siyuan uploading his photos. The rest I will put up when I am back in Vancity).

We then walked from Grand Central Station at 42nd Street to the UN Building at 46th. There we took the tour through the Security Council, Economic Council and through the General Assembly meeting hall (although there was going to be a meeting between some of the delegates regarding the UN Budget there tt afternoon), and had an earful of the UN's history from our PRC tourguide (the UN really IS a very international body. And although many people, including myself, see the UN as weak and powerfless as an enforcement body when it comes to international law and peace-keeping methods, I have come to respect a lot of what it does, or at least the kind of efforts tt it takes to do what it can).

There was also an photo exhibit on landmines and their effect on the civilian population in places like Rwanda, Haiti and Cambodia, and among other things, one photo tt struck me was tt of a C4 landmine... tt was made in the USA.



That's me, Eunice and Siyuan outside the sculpture of a bent and unusable gun outside the UN Building, which is a symbol of the UN's mission of achieving, for the lack of better words... world peace. Eunice got the security guard to leave his post to help us take this photo. :)

After tt, we met Lionel for lunch at this small Chinese restaurant in one of the small lanes near Bryant Park, which was also on 42nd St. It looked kinda dodgy from the outside, but the food was really not bad and quite reasonable for the price - about $7.00 per person for lunch. NY's expensive for food, but Asian food is cheaper, and lunch deals should ALWAYS be taken advantage of.

We spent the afternoon in Bryant Park ice-skating.







...Basically the photos are all about us putting on our skates. I hadn't skated at all in Vancouver... or AT ALL, in fact, so stepping on the ice for the first time was damn fucking scary. At first all I could do was cling on to the railing for dear life as I dragged myself along, until I gained the confidence to well... walk on the ice with my skates.

Some one hour + later and a bit of falling (mainly hard on my butt) I got a little more into it. Meaning tt I can control my direction... on ONE foot. ARGH. Still can't really ice-skate or do v much, but I INTEND TO LEARN HOW TO SKATE AND TO SKATE ONE MORE TIME (HOPEFULLY) HERE WHILE I CAN.

In any case it's really charming to skate in New York coz the ice-skating rinks are all open-aired and you can take in the city scape around you as you skate. And because it's so easy to rent skates the rink is ALWAYS very crowded, but it is just so Christmassy to ice-skate in the big city. It feels almost like some sort of an oasis in a desert.

After ice-skating, Lionel left to do some last-min Christmas shopping for his parents. The remaining 3 of us wanted to catch some kind of performance on Broadway, so we decided to try for the lottery/student rush promotions. We tried out for the lottery for this musical Wicked, and Eunice actually won a pair of tickets for it! Which was amazing coz she only had to pay $50($25 each) for 2 $110 tickets to a sold-out performance! And after tt, we both got salted pretzels from one of the street vendors, and then she even accompanied me to get the student rush tickets for this Broadway play known as Doubt before her musical started. Really sweet of her to do tt. And for Lionel to accompany to watch the play coz I'd be watching it alone otherwise.

And Doubt was a surprisingly powerful play. Without giving the story away, I would say tt it involved the overall themes of cynism as juxtaposed with idealism, and perhaps age and its properties of so-called practicality and wisdom as opposed to youth and its properties of emotions and bright-eyed hope and all tt; and how one or the other could affect others or bring good or ruin to lives around. And it had a cast of only 4 people, but they - esp the lead actress playing the elder nun and the actor playing the younger priest - gave incredible performances. What had it even better was tt the lead actress had had a panic attack and forgotten some of her lines in the first scene, and she had to break character to recall her lines, and she was really gracious with her apology and her earnesty. And more than tt, she never once disappointed. What's more is tt this play really really makes you think. It always leaves you wondering because all the questions tt it asks are left unanswered when the curtains close.

Lionel brought me to see the giant Christmas tree at the Rockafeller Centre and to walk down a bit of 5th Avenue to kill the rest of the time because our play had ended an hour earlier than Eunice's/Siyuan's musical. We ended up eating fries and cheese sticks and with me drinking hot chocolate at McDonald's. But after tt when we all met up, we queued for over half an hour for this famous lamb kebabs from the Street Meats stall on 7th Ave and 51st St. For $5 per plate, it consisted of generous slices of grilled lamb kebabs served with a really spicy sauce, a white cream sauce reminiscent of mayo, and on basmati (I think) rice. Amazingly good. Even though I wasn't tt after the pre-dinner snacks, I found it very hard to put my food down. Arhaha.



Anyway coz this stall only does take-outs, we ate our late night dinner/supper outside the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA), before heading back after tt. I slept around 4.00am tonight, also because I had found the hardcover of Knives of Dreams, the latest instalment in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, and I was trying to read as much of it as I could.

24 Dec 2005 - Day 3:

Christmas Eve. I think I woke up pretty late - at around 11.40 am, almost 12pm today. We (the 4 of us) decided to cut ourselves some slack and not wake up so early. We had North Indian food at Greenwich Village for lunch - chicken tikka masala with garlic naan. It was really good but very heavy coz the tikka masala used a very rich creamy gravy. But at 50% off the inhouse menu for lunch it was a damn good deal. After lunch Lionel took us over to Astor Place to try the Coldstone's ice-cream. Which is EVEN BETTER than any other ice-cream, be it Swensen's or even Ben'n'Jerry's (and I kid you not!) around! Basically it's an ice-cream parlour selling a large variety of basic flavours of ice-cream with mix-ins (i.e. extra ingredients like chocolate bits or brownie bits or cookie crumbs) tossed in. I ordered a Cheesecake Fantasy, which consisted of cheesecake ice-cream thoroughly tossed in with generous scoops of crunchy graham cracker bits, blueberries and 4 or 5 whole strawberries. It was INCREDIBLE. I *NEED* to have a Coldstones fix again. SOON. And Eunice and Siyuan shared the Founder's Favourite and Chocolate Devotion. I can't really remember what went into tt, but suffice to say it was both a damn good chocolate fix as well as a culinary trip to heaven.

We wanted to see the Guggenheim Museum today, so we took the subway to 86th St. But upon reaching the place we found out tt it was closing early for Christmas, so we ended up crossing the road and just strolling through Central Park.



So this is Lionel, Siyuan and me with a large reservoir in the background. It's around 4-something but already the sun is setting. Anyway Central Park is another experience to go through. It really DOES give you the whole "big city" feeling coz it really is like all those movies with the park with the large buildings in the background. With the bare trees readying for winter and the people walking their dogs or letting them go free... And everything just looks like how Central Park should look on TV.

It's dark when we finally decide to head back. We walk down from Central Park to pass by the Lincoln Centre for the Performing Arts, which is where the NY Ballet and the Opera perform. The Lincoln Centre is another fantastic place to look at, if a little old, but it reminded Siyuan of Toa Payoh Central; what with the cluster of buildings looking like the HDB hub and the Public Library and the apartments in the background as HDB flats. It gets interesting when NY can remind you of home, and not always in a flattering way. All tt we were missing was a McDonald's there, I'd bet.

We have Japanese food for dinner back at Greenwich. They ordered the combination boxes with the sushi, teriyaki, tempura, and other stuff; I ordered the calamari tempura. It was all delicious, but dinner in NY just isn't v cheap. I think Lionel was originally thinking of Ben'n'Jerry's, but the dinner was so heavy tt he changed his mind.

I went for my first Presbytarian service tt night.



It was a candlelight service too! Just like the Catholic midnight masses back in Singapore.

We attended the First Presbytarian Church at 5th Avenue for the 11 o'clock service, and I was amazed at how the service wasn't really tt different from the Catholic mass tt I usually attend, even though this time there was no Liturgy of the Eucharist and some part of the service was approached a little differently in terms of procedure from the Catholic way. But tt being said, the message is no different, at least not to me. The hymns seem no different, and I suppose this was due largely in part to the choir and the traditional way in which they sang and in how the service itself was conducted; sometimes I don't see why differences should exist or why assumptions are still being made between the denominations and the Catholic church. I mean, it is after all, the same God. And Jesus' message to us is Love, not division. I could have gone to a Catholic church on my own if I really wanted to be fastidious about it, but I figured tt Christmas was a time for sharing and for being with friends. And it is not a choice tt I regret one bit.

We adjourned to the Black Fat Pussycat for drinks. Except tt most of us - okay, at least some of us, weren't tt keen on drinking. We were, or at least Siyuan was more like hungry. So we decided to go grab pizza from Ben's Pizzeria instead, which according to Ben (if tt is the owner, I think) is "world-famous". I don't know about tt of course, but it was not bad. We had 1 hungry guy and 2 people with itchy mouths. I was one of them. I discovered this night tt when in NY, you do not order pizza with your mouth.

You point.

After some argument with the server at the pizzeria about what I wanted which resulted in all-round confusion on both sides, I settled on a sausage pepperoni. We took tt back to Lionel's apartment, and thus spent our early hours of Christmas having supper and talking cock till late into the night. Again. Slept at 4.00am. Again.

25 Dec 2005 - Day 4:

Christmas Day!

And yes. On Christmas, even the city tt does not sleep... has to go on holiday. Most of the attractions like the museums were closed today, as were most of the stores and restaurants. So we woke up late - I woke up around 12.30pm - and Siyuan, Eunice and I decided to pass our time away by catching a movie. It was raining today, so we braved to rain to catch King Kong at 14th St. We had lunch 2 blocks away at this small Viet restaurant tt was really good. I ordered a bowl of Pho, and it cost me around $7.00 for a lot of noodles, beef slices, and tasty beef broth. Oh! And the chilli was free! And good! Eunice can testify to how much chilli I stirred into my soup. :)



At the restaurant!

The cinema was REALLY REALLY crowded. Made us wonder how on earth New Yorkers spend Christmas. When we got to the cinema for our 3.30pm show we only had seats starting 3 rows from the screen. Watching tt movie for 3 hours resulted in me having this huge crink in my neck after tt. But tt said King Kong was a movie tt surprised me - it was a lot better than I expected! Naomi Watts played a beautiful and spunky damsel to the big monkey's erm... "knight", and both Eunice and I were actually moved by the monkey, even if our views aren't always shared by the majority. And it is SUCH a trip to watch a movie set in the city tt you are currently in, even if there is supposed to be a time lag of 60 years. Seeing Broadway and Times Square looking like the Broadway and the Times Square tt you were walking through just a couple of days back; seeing the Empire State Building again; seeing those damn yellow taxi cabs... Man.

The movie ended really late though. Around 6.45pm/6.50pm. Which meant tt we were going to be late for our dinner appointment. Tonight the 4 of us would be meeting the 4 other Singaporeans from Columbia University - namely Adrian and his guests Sandra, Bryna and Michale Tang.

There was a slight glitch in bookings, but we settled at the Pennyfeather Cafe. The waiter seemed to find it funny to give Siyuan a hard time, which was ironic coz Eunice was celebrating her birthday (or rather we were celebrating her birthday for her) there this night. But yeah, we ordered the calamari, which was really good. And I had the shrimp scampi for my main, which was pretty yummy too. The restaurant provided Eunice with a yummy chocolate mousse cake decorated as a face with a candle on top for her birthday. It was really nice. And the waiter kept paying special attention to her and calling her by name. That was funny.



This is the whole group at the Pennyfeather Cafe.

But moving on... Once we were done with dinner, we took the subway back up to Times Square to join some of Lionel's other friends for drinks at The Living Room in W Hotel. It's an upmarket chill-out lounge, and the drinks really are quite pricey. My maguerhita set me back US $15. UGH. But it was incredibly strong. Just a little over half of tt and I got so sleepy i just wanted to sleep. This was SO not good. Not only was it incredibly embarassing coz this time I had drunk so LITTLE it just wasn't justified, but the thought of just toppling over and falling asleep while in mid-walk in the middle of Times Squre just didn't appeal to me.

Fortunately, Lionel, Siyuan and Eunice let me stop by McDonald's to get a drink to wash down the alcohol. Actually, I got more than tt. I got a hot chocolate; mozerella cheese sticks, and because Lionel's fries weren't enough to fill me up; a cheeseburger to go with tt.

But the most interesting thing about the Times Square McDonald's, is tt it has a 3-D of New York City on its second floor.



How is this for fascinating???

Suffice to say, we got back to the apartment pretty late once again. I slept pretty damn late. But the thing is...

26 Dec 2005 - Day 5:

I had to wake up at 7.00 am today. Fucking early. But tt's coz today I was joining the Columbian Singaporeans - Adrian, Sandra, Bryna and Michael, at Woodbury Common Premium Outlets, this factory outlets shopping hub outside NYC for a shopping day-trip. We took the 8.30 am bus one hour + out to Central Valley to the place, and boy was it HUGE. It was almost twice the size of the Seattle Premium Outlets, I think. Maybe coz this is NY.

And it was so FUCKING CROWDED it didn't feel like a sale; walking into a store felt like going into battle. People were EVERYWHERE and blocking every aisle and corridor; clothes were strewn all over the place, and the queues were MASSIVE. When it came to the stores like Coach, Calvin Klein, Guess and Armani Exchange, you would queue to go in, use the fitting room to try on clothes, and of course to pay for your purchases. I walked into so many stores only to scoot out almost immediately coz I couldn't stand the thought of being trapped in those stores. Explains why I don't have any purcheses from Guess, Banana Republic or Gap.

I did however, still manage to spend a HELL lot of money anyway. FUCK. Talk about lack of restraint. I walked around the entire place 2 times over before 3.30pm. And I had bought SO MUCH STUFF. I bought this G-Unit skirt from Ecko Ultd, not because I needed it, but because I've become a G-Unit convert ever since watching 50 Cent in concert and I want to do more than just learn how to say "G-G-G-G-G-G-UNIT!". And the skirt originally priced at US $64.50, only cost me $15 +. I also needed to buy a pair of jeans so I walked into Levi's, and got a pair for $24.99. And THEN I wandered into DKNY Jeans, and bought *2* more in impulse at $24.98 and $34.99 respectively. Actually, I was swayed by the fact tt these pairs of jeans were named after places in NY like Astor Place and Downtown Brooklyn, which I thought made them damn cool souvenirs, plus they were SO comfortable and they were selling for a lot less than their original prices of $89.00. But I managed to get Christmas presents for my parents from cK - 2 really nice long-sleeved shirts for my dad, and a pair of jeans for my mom. I was supposed to get more stuff, but I lacked size info.

So after a really fruitful time, I had to curb myself for the rest of my day. Just tagged along with Adrian and Bryna, which was highly entertaining coz the two of them are always insulting each other in a good natured way, and it's very funny. Plus they both make you feel v comfortable around them, so tt makes it even easier for me. And oh, my feet were clearly ACHING by this point in time.

We caught the 5.30pm back, all of us. And we had dinner at this fast food pizza joint at the bus terminal. Coz Lionel, Siyuan and Eunice weren't back at the apartment yet and I didn't have the key, I decided to hang around outside a bit more. Sandra, Bryna and Michael kindly accompanied me around Times Square. We had a post-dinner ice-cream feast (actually, just me and Bryna) at Ben'n'Jerry's. She ordered the Chunky Monkey; I ordered the Gone Phishin' core sundae, which is 2 scoops of Phish Food topped with a lot of caramel and hot fudge with whipped cream and chopped almonds. Yummy. But oh so sinful. Yes yes I know I am fucking fat and I have put on A LOT of weight since I came over here... But dammit I have to be decadent! It's New York! And Ben'n'Jerry's (tho not as fantastic as Coldstones still, imho)! Oh yeah. Keep coming with the excuses.

After tt, we walked through Times Square, took photos of the many billboards and stuff, and entered the Hershey's store. Bought some stuff from there. I still need to go back to buy more stuff... like more Hershey's chocolate. Oh, and tt giant Hershey's kiss. Finally, a kiss tt is the right size. Heh.

Came back to the apartment after tt to pack my stuff and catch up with Eunice.

27 Dec 2005 - Day 6:

Woke up at 5.15am today. Lionel, Siyuan and Eunice were leaving for 2 days in Washington DC today, so I woke up to shift my stuff out of his room mate's room and to see them off. Went back to sleep after tt and promptly overslept a bit having to meet Sandra and Bryna.

We were visiting the Metropolitan Museum of Art today. I needed half an hour of grace to make up for the time delay. But it was all good... except tt the Met was so fucking CROWDED!!! Damn holiday season. GRR.

But oh man... It was so big!!! Now I understand why they say tt you need 1 whole day to see the Met, and one Met is enough to last you one day. I've never been a museum fan but I made an exception for the Met coz it's world-famous and I wanted to see what all the hoohaa was about. And now I have and I must saw tt the Met really does live up to its reputation.

But I am STILL not a museum fan. (Speaking of which, I took quite a lot of photos of the exhibits, so you'll get to see them when I put them up).

We walked through almost the entire place; all 2 and a half stories of it. We went through the European art section, the Modern art section (my fave, actually. I like vibrant colours and wondering what goes on in the minds of Pablo Pixasso and Salvador Dali), the Asian art section, the Arms and Armoury, the Sculptures section, the Renaissance paintings section, and the Egyptian section, which was REALLY COOL! They had real tombs and real mummies (I'm talking mummified bodies of people who had died thousands of years again!) and I was looking at a restored temple front and engravings on the insides of pyramid walls. Oh, and they had carvings of the Egyptian gods and I was amazed by how similar to all those books and movies the carvings of the sons of Horace and Anubis are. The Egyptian gods have always fascinated me on some level.

But anyway needless to say, we were all DEAD TIRED from all the walking through the museum. When we left it around 3-something 4 pm we didn't really want to go anywhere else. Oh, but we stopped by City Market Cafe, this small cafe on Madison Ave. We were just supposed to get drinks, but I ordered a large brocoli and cheese quiche with my hot chocolate. And Sandra ordered this mississipi mudpie bar and Bryna this cheesecake bar, and we shared everything. It was oh so good, but really really heavy.

After tt I decided to follow them back to Adrian's place since I didn't want to go back. We ended up playing game after game after game of daidee from tt time till 8.30 pm, when dinner came. But it was so much fun hanging out with them too. Even though they uncovered my secrets tt 1) I am a lousy daidee pkayer; and 2) I am the LOUSIEST shuffler of cards in the world. Not to mention the absolute slowest.

We went to Carmine's for dinner. It's this famous diner tt according to Adrian, has fantastic calamari. He's right. The calamari IS fantastic. Unfortunately the portions feed *10* people, not 4. The plates were so big tt we ended up taking away EVERYTHING tt we ordered, from the calamari to the garlic bread to the penne alla vodka to the ravioli with cheese. They were fantastic of course, but really just too much to eat. But dinner was really great. And I'm glad I got to try Carmine's.

Took the #1 back home. It was supposed to stop at St. Christopher St, but after 34th Station the conductor suddenly announced tt the train would bypass tt st, so I had to get off at 14 St and walk down 10 sts to Lionel's place. My sense of direction getting out of train stations still causes me to walk in the wrong direction for at least 2 streets before I realise tt I have to turn back, but hopefully tt problem will subside in time. In any case, the walk back was relatively uneventful, except for me being propositioned by 2 black guys on separate occasions. But they were otherwise harmless, so tt was ok and I made my way back safely.

Now, I need to get a good rest. Let's see what is in store for me tomorrow. I do hope I have a chance to go chionging here at least once though. I hear it's expensive, but how can you come to NY and NOT go chionging in the city tt never sleeps?

it's not a white christmas in new york. at 8 degrees, it's not cold enough for snow. it is however, very rainy. so much for snowstorm.

but just a brief recap of the past 2 days; yesterday on christmas eve the 4 of us wanted to visit the guggenheim museum but by the time we got there after a yummy lunch @ this north indian restaurant at greenwich village near lionel's place, it was closing. so we walked across the road to central park with the view of renting bicycles. we ended up walking halfway through central park till it grew dark and we decided tt it was too dark to ride. so we adjourned to find the american museum of natural history (the one with the big t-rex model inside), which was also closed; walked down to lincoln centre (i intend to catch the new york ballet's "nutcracker" repertoire while i am here), and then went for japanese food back at greenwich.

i attended my first presbyterian (is tt how you spell it?) service last night at the new york first presbytarian church on fifth avenue. it was an interesting experience. contrary to what i used to think, there isn't really tt big a difference between christian and catholic services/masses. in this case, the responses to the readings and the gospels use different phrases, and most noticeably there is no liturgy of the eucharist, but tt said it was still lovely.

we then headed over to the black fat pussycat - this pub/club/comfy chill-out place for drinks, but to be honest some of us were more hungry than in the mood for booze. so 3 of us ta-baoed pizza (i ordered pepperoni sausage after some misunderstanding with the pizza guy) to lionel's place and talked cock till we were sleepy. i read till 4am.

christmas morning saw me waking up at 12.30pm, but fortunately i wasn't the last to wake up. 3 of us decided tt since most stores and attractions would be closed for the holiday, we would catch a movie. so we caught king king after a yummylicious (and v cheap) lunch at this viet restaurant a block from the cinema. it's amazing to watch a movie set in new york, in new york. you're looking at times square 60 years ago and it doesn't seem v different from times square now. even the yellow cabs may have used ancient cars, but they're still as rampant and as reckless. it must be so cool to watch a movie as a new yorker, coz it's almost always set in your city.

we met the other law people, adrian, sandra, michael tang and bryna, for dinner. had it at this italian (i think) restaurant called pennyfeather cafe. the calamari was delicious, altho adrian insisted tt there was a place tt served it even better. and for some reason the waiter seemed to have a thing against siyuan. but we celebrated eunice's birthday by getting her a free chocolate mousse cake, and it was really nice. actually the food was really good. i ordered a shrimp scampi, which is shrimps cooked in some garlic butter sause served with mashed potato and fries.

and after dinner we adjourned to this place called the living room @ W hotel on times square for drinks with some of lionel's friends, including peggy pao. met emmaline there, who's my law/hwa chong humanz/ fcg senior as well. ordered a maguarhita, and omg it was so fucking strong. too much tequila. plus i haven't actually drunk anything in almost 2 months, so my disposition towards alcohol is a lot worse than expected. about half a glass and i was so sleepy and woozy it was embarassing. bleah.

ended up having supper at mac's. i thought i was hungry but i think it was just the alcohol talking. coz my stomach was complaining. so i had a hot chocolate, a cheeseburger, and mozzerella sticks. feel incredibly full now (overate!!!) but at least my stomach isn't doing double-somersaults. oh well. and tt was my christmas.

tomorrow: woodbury common with the law people! i need to do my post-xmas shopping!!!

it's currently 8.20pm new york time, 24th december. it's the 3rd day since i landed here with much drama and a little panic, but all is great. am staying with lionel, siyuan and eunice, and new york is an amazing place to fall in love with. we went to the un building, for ice-skating in bryant park, to see times square, and i caught a play on broadway yesterday night. and today we went to central park, to see the lincoln centre, and had a yummy japanese dinner at greenwich village. we'll probably be catching a christmas service tonight. or tomorrow, if possible.

merry christmas everyone.

i'm leaving today.

i wanna be a part of it...

6, 498 words in 7 hours. and i am fucking done.

tired from staring at the computer screen for 7 straight hours. headache, eyes hurt like fuck, brain feels like mush...

but i'm done. finally liberated.

joined the remaining s'poreans who are still here for the last farewell supper party in the nootka lounge. anne and charlene leaving tmr morning; adrian leaving tmr night. eileen has left; the rest leaving by the 22nd, either for some holiday somewhere, or back to sg.

funny how i feel a little sad. it's only going to be another 6 more months. well. actually more like 5.

i've just finished my advanced criminal law exam. i have 7000 words more to go for my international law paper which i am fucked for. but tt being said i'm already looking through my itinerary for the new york trip. oops. i'm arriving at la guardia not jfk... damn and i thought i could just take the subway straight through... apparently if i come through laguardia i'll have to switch between bus and subway... ugh... at night (my flight touches down at 7pm, but i'm assuming it'll probably take me at least 2 hours to clear customs, so it'll def be later)... double ugh.

anyway cheap tickets departing from vancouver = connecting flights. i'm taking connecting flights in toronto when i go to new york and when i come back from chicago. this time i had better plan my time better. last time i went up to toronto i caught my flight just 15 min before it was scheduled to take off. tt was too close a shave. this time i'd better give myself more leeway, especially where connecting flights are concerned. last thing i want to do is get stranded at the airport on my own. when you're travelling alone there's a lot more to look out for.

but yay! i'm so excited already. i'm already thinking of what to pack even though i haven't even finished my paper. wahaha. 10 days in new york; 3 days in chicago. :) 2 days from now.

why are you so fucking stubborn?
it's not enough tt you've pushed me away, you've even ended your friendship with your best friend of 20 years because you're just too goddamn stubborn to see beyond your own pride. why do you put yourself through all this?

sometimes, isn't it easier to stop fighting everyone and to just allow yourself to be loved?

this song has restored my faith in him. because it manages to make me sad everytime i hear it.

WHEN I'M GONE
- by Eminem

[Intro : Eminem]
Yeah...
It's my life...
Lone words I guess...

[Verse 1: Eminem]
Have you ever loved someone so much you give an arm for
Not the expression, NO, literally give an arm for
When they know they are your heart and you know you are their armor
And you will destroy anyone who will try to harm her
But what happens when karma turns right around and bites you ?
And everything you stand for, turns on you despite you ?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain
"Daddy look what I made"
Dad's got to go catch a plane
"Daddy, where's Mommy, I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don�t know, go play, Hailey baby, your daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, the song ain't gonna write itself
I give you one under dog and you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother... whose a spittin image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocker by baby

[Chorus: Eminem]
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...

[Verse 2: Eminem]
I keep having this dream, I'm pushing Hailie on the swings
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing.
You're making mummy cry. Why ? Why is mummy crying?
Baby, daddy ain't leaving no more � �daddy you're lying.�
You always say that, You always say this is the last time,
But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you are mine.
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
Daddy please, daddy don't leave, daddy, no stop it.
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket.
It's got a picture, It'll keep you safe daddy, take it with you
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These sinking walls must be talking, Cause man I can hear �em.
They're saying : "You have got one more chance to do right, and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love them before it's too late."
And just as I go to walk out my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

[Chorus: Eminem]
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.

Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...

[Couplet 3 : Eminem]
Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they are throwing roses at my feet.
I take a bow and Thank You all for coming out
They� screamin is so loud, I take one last look at the crowd.
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, HELP mummy her wrists are bleeding!"
But baby WE'RE IN SWEEDEN, how did you get to Sweeden ?
I followed you daddy, you told me that you weren't leaving.
You lied to me dad, and now you make mummy sad
And I bought you this coin, it says "Number One Dad".
That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
I get the point... fine, me and mummy are going.
But baby wait... - It's too late dad, you made the choice
Now go up there and show them that you love them more than us.
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep screaming your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep... Just take another pill...
Yeah, I bet you you will. You rap about it... Yeah, Word, Keep it real.
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, That the curtain is closing on me.
I turn around, find a gun on the ground
Cock it, Put it to my brain and scream "Die Shady!" and PUMP IT.
The sky darkens, My life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes.
That's when I wake up, Alarm clock screamin and there's birds singing
It's spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk up to Kim and kiss her.
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister.
Almost as if to say...

[Outro: Eminem]
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...
...And when I'm gone, just carry on... don't mourn.
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,
And I ain't gon' feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back...

FINALLY found the title to tt song tt i danced to last year.

i have a criminal law exam tomorrow morning and an 8000 word essay due on wednesday tt i have not yet started. i am fucked. seriously fucked. and all this stress has turned into cortisol tt's gathered around my mid-section, coz i swear i have a permanent rubber floatation device attached to my tummy now. SIGH. fuck this. i haven't exercised in such a long long time and the stress is making me EAT.

nevermind. think new york. new york new york new york. on thurs. tt's only 3 days away.

HEADSPRUNG
- by LL Cool J Feat. Timbaland

[Verse - LL Cool J]
They call me Big L'y, Big Silly
Big Money, Big Billy
When I'm sliding in them all can ya hear me?
I be sexing wit these bars so ya feel me
Let me grip it up for cuz in the back
Let me grip it get a buzz in ya hat
I'm a tell ya how to cause an attack
Timbaland, Ladies Love on the track
Lovely get the ice, pop champagne
Don't forget I used to ride on the train
When I bump it right, call my name
Go crazy in the mall wit James
Dump that, not ill like me
Bring the women in to chill for free
Let me tell ya girl, don't try me
You better have I.D.!

[Chorus - Timbaland (2x)]
When we be up in the club
We be posting the back
When we be in the club
Girl always come to the back
And we bout to get our head sprung
And we bout to get our head sprung
And we bout to get our head sprung
And we bout to get our head sprung

[Verse - LL Cool J]
Lord have mercy! If the broad is thirsty
I'll have her man reimburse me
The part that hurts me, is when they try to work me
But I could never let ya jerk me
Steady sticking to the wall, give it up
Sneaking through the back door live it up
Got the champagne, pour me a cup
Got the girls looking raw in the front
Got a call your man's in town
Tell the bar, a-nother round
Got all my mans holding me down
Kinda thick ma, let's get down, so get wit it
I'm saying what time wanna dip wit it?
Got playas on the grind, wanna skip wit it
Backstage you mine, I'm a spit wit it, hey!

[Chorus]

[Bridge - LL Cool J (Ladies) ((Fellas))]
Hey ladies! (Yeah!) no need to get your hair done
I said yo ladies! (Yeah!) no need to get your hair done
I'm a get your head sprung, I'm a get your head sprung
I'm a get your head sprung, I'm a get your head sprung
I said yo fellas ((Yo!)) no need to throw them ones
I said yo fellas ((Yo!)) no need to throw them ones
I'm a get your head sprung, I'm a get your head sprung
I'm a get your head sprung, I'm a get your head sprung (Hey!)

[Chorus]

[Outro - Timbaland]
Yeah! Keep chillin wit em, yeah

"sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

you're a fucker through and through. i don't care what you've said about me or anything coz i know my conscience is clear and you lack the brains, maturity and the balls to see beyond your tiny little dick in the first place.

so keep bragging baby. it's all empty words. and frankly, i honestly don't give a fuck. :)

this evening i took a break from trying to cram more principles and what exactly constituted a conspiracy and what onus was on the prosecution to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that a bunch of guys who hadn't yet committed a crime had already committed an inchoate offence under the criminal code. i decided to go for my last (and only) korean hot pot meal with the others before most of them returned to sg. i know my exams are still on and i am fucked for both advanced crim as well as international law, but knowing tt i might not see so many of these people till i'm back in sg, and even then i don't know if i'll see them around nus, i decided tt one last talk cock session (just in case i can't make the wednesday sushi one) would be a good idea.

there were 8 of us tonight. charlene, anne, weiquan, adrian, mervyn, me, and diana and ben from law. yeah... if you haven't figured out who ben is, he's the third law exchange student who's been awol from my atmosphere for the past 3 or 4 months or so here. diana finally found him. wahaha.

diana was mentioning how next year everyone else would be gone and it would just be "her, me and the chimney". apparently charlene's christened ben the chimney coz chimneys smoke.

we met a little after 7.30pm at the commonsblock. but given the travelling time, detours and delays, by the time we sat down at the korean restaurant at robson (which wasn't the original coz that one had closed down (!!!) ), it was around 9.50pm. we ordered 2 korean hot pots - pork ribs and assorted seafood, and a plate of pork bulgogi to share. the beef ribs were massive, but there was more bone than meat, and for the seafood they provided us with 1 big crab, a couple of prawns, oysters, mussels, squid and the cheaper stuff (i.e. tau gey and tofu), but it was kinda bland. liked the dinner though, even though i felt the first restaurant might have been more worth it. but there's something so comforting about communal eating and talking and laughing when it's winter and bitterly cold and -1 degrees outside. i have to start wearing my long johns under my jeans, and putting on my ski gloves. i honestly have no idea how bad it's going to be in chicago where it's going to be 0 degrees... farenheit (according to jason).

after tt we walked back down from robson to granville to catch the bus back. it was almost 12 am already by this time. but i stopped over at a gelato place to buy ice-cream (i like sweets. even when it's fucking cold), we stopped over at this japanese convenience store to buy drinks and snacks (i found cheesecake flavoured pocky! and it's really not bad.), and then we bought coffee from blenz coffee, this canadian coffee chain. the coffee's pretty decent, from what i could tell from weiquan's cafe latte. i ordered a mochachillo, which is a mocha frap. anne ordered an iced cafe latte (i think) tt was nice and sweet, and adrian ordered belgian white hot chocolate. YUM. drinking tt was like eating a warm liquid milky bar. heaven. all of us were standing outside blenz for a while with our drinks passing them from mouth to mouth. weiquan was remarking tt all the ang mohs inside were probably grossed out by all this communal sharing... so unhygenic. haha yeah i suppose they're probably understanding why SARS is more of an asian epidemic now. but then again i don't really see the diff. if you're swapping sexual partners as a societal norm, there is no tangible difference between tt and sharing food, now is there?

but fuck, it was cold. i thank god for the incredible heating on the bus. i wish tt there was greater frequency between buses here though, especially at night, because here it's not just time tt is the factor, but also the temperature, but it's all a matter of getting used to it. so whenever you guys in sg complain about waiting more than 10 min for the bus, be grateful you're not in vancity. half an hour is not abnormal, not even in the bitter cold.

but yeah. the bus is warm. and comfy. it's nice to be on the bus with a group of people you can just talk cock with in singlish. the walk back from the bus loop to totem wasn't so fun though. coz it was CCCCOOOOOLLLLLDDDD.

and now here i am, back in my room. it's 2am here and i'm still awake. i can hear tt anna nalick song playing in my head now. maybe i should play it on my itunes too. it's a good time. i'm too full to sleep anytime soon, so i'll probably try to do a bit more studying before my food digests enough for me to hit the sheets.

sometimes when i'm lonely, i look at the photos in my room or in my comp. of my family, my girls, my friends... and the smiles on those photos puts one big one on my face. similarly, thinking about the strange and irrelevant conversations tt we have whenever we have our communal dinners here put a smile on my face as well. even though i rarely say it, i do thank god tt these people, these friends, were here for me during this first few months of my exchange to be here for me, to talk to and understand me and for me to talk to, to hang out with and watch episodes of nip/tuck and desperate housewives with on occasion, to have both communal as well as totem dinners with and to make me laugh till my sides want to burst, to offer me support and to lend me stuff when i am lacking, and to accompany me on trips and just allow me to bug them if i have to.

thank you, guys. i know i will miss you when you guys go.

.
.
.

and in other news, my floormate jackie slipped me a beautiful christmas card while i was out. she's returning to gibson's tomorrow coz her exams have ended. and i hadn't gotten anything for her yet. *sigh* she's one of my fave floormates here. i have to have to get her something from new york. her and diane.

christmas is coming, and i miss the people back in singapore. the people i won't be seeing for at least another 5 months. my babes, my jane and wanyi and sam (sounds like traces of lesbianism here, but i know tt they are all spoken for already anyway... or don't wish to be spoken for); and my girls (you all know who you are), and my family (biological, extended, and everything in between) and my friends... i know the christmas atmosphere is high in singapore. so merry christmas to you all (just in case i don't wish you again later)!

luke came to visit yesterday evening after i finished by paper. he bought me chicken rice, which makes it the first time i've eaten tt since i came here. the company was good, but it's amazing how things like tt can still pale in comparison to the feeling tt i get when i receive my first long, voluntary email from you tt spans 3 pages and is so teeming with excitement and energy tt you finally sound like the man i fell in love with those months ago.

i've been studying in my room this saturday. main reason is coz i've been trying to do my laundry. stayed away from my movies and my 'scrubs' episodes just so tt i could start on criminal law, but i couldn't stay away from my itunes and file-sharing system. currently i have 1058 songs, all downloaded ever since i got my new laptop, and half of which i pilchered without hearing them before. i can't update my ipod mini anymore because i've exceeded the ipod hard drive space by over 1 gb! ARGH. but i suppose it's time to stop playing lifehouse and deathcab on repeat, even if i love those two bands. am checking out iron and wine, the decemberists, belle and sebastian, the magnetic fields, mates of state, the shins... and even tori amos thrown in coz i never really took a good listen to her songs before.

i think i'm becoming an emo kid.

ok. back to work.

(hint: they're lead singers.)

1. Jason Wade
2. Adam Levine
3. Ben Gibbard
4. Rob Thomas

THE SADDEST STORY EVER TOLD
- by The Magnetic Fields

We used to go out on the summer nights and dance in the neon rain
We used to hold hands at the movie show but we'll never hold hands again
Do do do do do come on come on
Do do do do do come on come on

Those days are gone You and I were young those summer nights
You'll see the world diving for a girl you'll never find
and then we'll quietly grow old: the saddest story ever told.

Once upon a time we fell in love or at least that's what you said
You say I can find someone else but I just wish I was dead
Do do do do do come on come on
Do do do do do come on come on.

because i am PMSing. forgive me.

but there are 3 categories of girls tt i cannot stand the most. so just because i have had enough of fucking eu law, i shall just list them down.

1) the original girl.

this category of girl has been explained again and again in my previous blog entries. but basically, she give women a really bad name and desperately needs to grow a backbone.

she's most commonly seen as suffering from the clinging vine syndrome if she has a significant other. other defining characteristics include long rebonded hair, heavily-mascaraed eyes, short short skirts, pale skin, and giggly laugh. *excuse me while i go hurl*

2) the acbc girl.

acbc = act cute buay cute.

yes, the act cute girl is bad enough, but the acbc girl is in a category of her own. this kind of girl is obviously NOT cute and should not even be TRYING to look or pretend to be it, possibly coz of age, looks etc. but nonetheless, she suffers enough delusion (or some kind of attention-dependency) tt compels her to act cute to attract attention.

can be identified by the bounciness, constant giggles, inherent ditzy and bimboness (oh god. someone give her a brain. please), and in cases where God has a sick sense of humour, a really high-pitched nasal voice. you know, the kind tt make you want to reach out and tear out her trachea the moment she utters a syllable?

yeah. unfortunately girls with voices like tt DO exist, and trust me they have my pity. i know tt they did not choose to be born with voices like this. but tt being said, i have to say tt i can NEVER be friends with girls with voices like tt. because no matter how nice and friendly and warm they are, i can never ever in a million years strike up a conversation with them. because i fear tt they will actually answer back. AARRRRGGGGHHH. oh my ears and tender disposition.

3) the teh girl.

usually categories 2 and 3 are intertwined. the acbc girl tends to teh like crazy because she believes it's cute.

well, wake up honey. IT'S NOT.

teh-ing is the most irritating female trait tt i have ever seen in girls. if there is any reason for me having to be ashamed of being female, it's because of the girls who teh. i HATE girls who teh. if tt isn't clear enough, think "abhor, despise, disdain" and strong words along those lines.

for one, it is an assault to my ears. for god's sake, there is such a thing as TALKING NORMALLY. whining doesn't automatically mean you will get your way. sure, you can do it to your boyfriend or whoever is enough of a door mat to let you walk all over him just coz he doesn't want to hear the 'soprano' abilities tt you might possess, but PLEASE don't do it to me. and please don't do it when i am within earshot. no matter how good a mood i might be in, the mere sound of a girl teh-ing gives me this incredible urge to reach out and tear your hair out.

so yes, no whining, no tehing. if you have been trying tt on me and you have been wondering why i have not been responding, it means you have been LUCKY. because if i do respond, you would now have one big bald patch on your skull. and trust me, as much as a girl shrieking or screaming and crying and bawling in pain might upset me, i think i might derive a greater sense of satisfaction from tt than from listening to a girl tehing and going unpunished.

yes. i am an evil bitch.

i'm not discounting tt. never have. never will.

let's just make things simple.

don't. mess. with. me.

- by nine inch nails

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

sephiroth from final fantasy vii: advent children. late night sketch.

i want... no, need to ride again.

come january, come hell or high water, i am boarding again. i'm checking out the prices for mount washington on vancouver island and whistler again. after talking to fraser online last night - who claims tt he is a "damn good skiier" (ok. admittedly he says he's been skiing since he was a kid. FUCK i feel like such a klutz), and luke, who has been riding for 4 years and has his very own snowboard, i feel inspired to actually learn to board, and actually board properly.

the fun part isn't in the falling. it's in the crazy rushing down the steep steep runs at a breakneck speed, weaving in and out of other slower skiiers and riders with the greatest of ease, and coming to the bottom of the slope with nothing but a big sense of satisfaction.

but before tt, i have to go through the falling stage. but like i said before, i'm not afraid to fall. physically or otherwise.

anyway speaking of which, my paper today went ok. psychology. it's over, just like tt. cést la vie. now it's back to my eu law paper.

but i gave myself yet another one of many many breaks. because i found out tt i had "love actually" on my computer, i decided to watch it. generally, i don't watch romantic movies as a rule, especially as a single, because i believe tt movies glorify love and romance far too much with all the beautiful people and picture-perfect storylines, which do nothing except to give the attached people more reason to gloat over us singles and portray singlehood as some kind of abominable state of affairs. and like i have mentioned more than once before, i don't take kindly to people who give me the whole "ÿou're single? *gasp* oh you poor poor thing!" type bullshit.

"love actually" was surprisingly enjoyable. even with all the cliched storylines and what-not, i suppose a little saccharine a day won't really kill me. plus i am a kiera knightly fan, and i thought the storyline with her and the husband's friend who held a torch for her was really really sweet, esp with the placards scene, so tt was nice.

funny thing is i like downloading and watching movies on my laptop, but apart from nip tuck, i don't follow any other tv series. i don't watch the oc coz i think it's plastic and unrealistic and like an updated version of 'days of our lives', just with better looking people. and i don't watch sex and the city coz i used to watch a couple of episodes (with my father, who was more excited about satc than i was) in the past, but i stopped because the storylines didn't really keep me engaged. even my dad stopped watching coz he said tt the storylines were getting predictable. then again we watched the censored ones, so there was no scenes of kim catrall's character fucking the ups boy or sarah jessica parker getting eaten or things along those lines, so i suppose maybe tt was why we go so bored. plus for me, i only like vicarious living to a certain extent. i find most of the characters in satc too neurotic and too man-crazy for my liking. i mean, if we're talking about empowered womanhood, i don't see why dating has to be a necessity for a social life. what is wrong with just hanging out with the guys or the girls anyway?

like i told melissa before, one big reason why i am happy tt i am single again is tt i am independent. i can do whatever i want without having to think about anyone else. selfish? it definitely is. but it's how i like it best right now. although i was the lucky one. he never gave me tt much pressure. he never told me who i could or couldn't see. he didn't mind whenever i went out with guy friends on one-on-one outings. he always told me to have fun everytime i went clubbing. and yet for me, even this kind of freedom wasn't enough. at least now i am totally liberated. i have no one to answer to but myself and my own conscience. but it is true tt the loneliness does strike. like whenever i am alone in my room, esp when it is dark and cold, and i just want someone to cuddle up to and talk to about my day and my thoughts and all the stuff tt i can't just tell any other person because he or she would think tt i was way too intense. dammit. come to think of it i had an offer for company today and i turned it down just so tt i could do my paper. grr.

but tt being said, if there was 1 character in satc tt i would most like to emulate, it would be kim catrall's character. of course, i'm not going to fuck everything... i mean, everyone... in sight. but i respect her philosophy to a certain extent. she's a go-getter and a woman who knows what she wants. she is successful and confident in her career, she isn't emotionally-clingy and she doesn't need a man to validate her. in fact, in a way she is more of a man than the other 3 girls - all she needs is sex to physically satisfy her. and beyond tt she can just kick you out of her bed when she's done with you. tt's the kind of woman tt i would like to be. strong, confident, secure, and someone who knows what i want and dares to go for it. someone who can pick things up and let them go as easily as they come.

a lot of people tell me tt i don't look stressed for the exams. tt i don't get moody or pms-ey coz of the exams. i tell them tt it's coz i'm a slacker and i don't give a fuck if i fail. am i lying? of course i am. of course i will care whether i pass or fail. i am trying to study and right now the panic button hasn't been pushed firmly enough for me to get my gear into go. but it doesn't mean tt i don't care. but telling people this is very simply put, my way of satisfying the usual expectations of me. part of my philosophy is also this: the words "worry", "regret", "guilt", and the "what ifs of life" are nowhere in my vocabulary. i have accepted tt we cannot turn back time and we cannot change the past. therefore there is no point in me wasting my time, emotions and energy on useless emotions tt will not help me or anyone else or change anything, and will instead contribute to further misery for myself and whoever else is around me.

i live in the present. what i can do, i do. what i can plan for the future, i plan. if it has already been done and it can't be undone, i move on. it's tt simple. once a while, i do get caught in the cycle of regret, of guilt, of wondering about the "what ifs" tt could have happened had i made other decisions. tt is what makes us human. but when i realise this, i ask myself what i could have done better, i learn from my mistakes, and then i move on and leave it all behind.

i don't know if it's made me a happier person. but i definitely have a lot more energy and a lot more will to face the future. and i am happy with who i am.

P.S. i want to buy more boots. one thing i love about being in north america where it is cold cold cold is tt i get an excuse to wear all sorts of boots! and anyone who knows me knows tt i have been owning at least 1 pair of boots since i was 14.

i haven't had muscular aches ever since dragonboating season ended for me almost half a year ago. i rem the having to roll out of bed every morning after intense rowing sessions coz my deltoids, triceps, biceps, lats and back muscles were killing me.

well. snowboarding is like an intense rowing session + mona's infamous business stairs circuits. coz in addition to the upper body muscles tt are killing me (i can't reach behind me right now coz my arms and back are fucking SORE!!!), probably from having to carry my snowboard around everywhere for the past 3 days; my legs are killing me too. and by legs i mean quads, calves, the outer shins, the outer thighs and even my inner thighs! imagine tt! even with all the running and stairwork, i've NEVER had achy inner thighs before! ugh. so you can imagine. right now stairs-climbing is a KILLER. hell, even bending my legs to pick up something or to wear/take off my boots and socks is like ggggaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!!! and i don't even know where the muscular aches end and the aches from bruising begin. this is coz in addition to my aching muscles, my knees are two giant bruises. and they hurt. so does my butt (i'm not sure if it's muscles or bruising right now. maybe it's both). fortunately, because i have a tendency to land squarely on my lower left butt cheek (and i have a generous butt to land on to begin with), i can sit down without any discomfort if i sit up straight. unfortunately, because i happened to land on tt one spot again and again and again for the past few days, my butt is ALSO one big giant bruise. and it does feel fucking sore too. gggaaarrrrrggggghhh.

this means no stairmaster, no running, no weight training, and therefore no exercise for the next WEEK or so. at least until the aches recede. oh my leg. i can't move it without my inner thigh and quad protesting at least. BLEAH.

but tt said, today was productive. panic is a good motivator. i managed to finish studying what i had to study for tomorrow's psychology final. now, all i hope is tt i can REMEMBER all the stuff tt i force-fed my brain today. i guess it was in no small part due to the fact tt i finally joined diana, anne, charlene and ben at koerner library today. i need to do tt more often. good for my studying well-being.

coz i think i am so dead for my papers. and i don't have any sense of urgency, which makes it fucking WORSE!!!

interestingly, ben asked me if it was true tt i was going to join the force after i graduate. he told me tt paul had told him tt (why on EARTH does everyone in law school seem to know about this???), and he was amazingly interested in my reasons for signing on. i gave him the usual "äction and non-9-to-5" reason tt i usually give everyone else who asks me tt question coz no one presses me further and i don't need to elaborate. plus i usually don't think anyone asks out of genuine interest rather than as a conversation point, and i enjoy satisfying the general preconception of myself because i'm too lazy to take the trouble to explain the full complexities of my motivation.

but it seemed tt answer didn't really satisfy him much. he asked me what i would do if he were to come to me and tell me tt he had a friend whose case i was on in trouble with the law, and he was pleading with me not to charge the guy.

the first thing - person - that came to mind was you. and i told him what you have and would do. the thing about black-letter law is tt it is all in black and white and there is nothing tt you can do about it. and if you have done wrong and something against the law and you know it, you have to do your time or turn yourself in. but at the same time, things can be done in terms of procedure, in terms of dealings, etc. and i told him about how you have handled past cases. how you have friends whom were people tt you'd personally convicted, but have become your friends upon their release because of the way tt you treated them in handling their arrest, their charging, etc. like we both agreed before, police work isn't about paper and cases and files. it's about people. people who live, breathe, think, have feelings, have families, have lives. and all this has to be taken into consideration. because it goes far beyond just chasing the crooks, nailing the baddies, and getting the badge of honour.

black isn't always black and white isn't always white. there is no such thing as baddies and crooks and criminals, and for tt reason i innately despise people who tend to define things and people into such categories (here's a free admittance of my bias, just in case i have not been treating you too kindly. now you know why. and yes, george bush happens to fall into such a category too). tt's also why i told ben tt law was my back-up. because no matter what i think, i know i am being too fucking idealistic for my own good.

i realise tt no matter what has happened so far, you are still the cop tt i admire and respect the most, the one i want to emulate in terms of work ethic and life philosophy. and at the same time, although you can work the way you do, i may not be able to have the same kind of freedom because i might have an image to conform to and a reputation to upkeep. and my greatest fear about my career is tt i might not be able to really achieve what i want to and end up as just another product of the system. in which case, it would be better for me to bail than to lose my faith.

but tt being said, apparently ben had a friend who needed advice. it's yet another example of how the law tends to be too biased towards women. like the statutory rape laws tt protect so-called "innocent" underaged girls. granted, it was instituted to protect the silly ones who get conned by the older guys who get thrills out of fucking virgins, but increasingly, it's obvious tt singaporean girls are no longer as "innocent" as they come. a number of cases of statutory rape are consensual, and many initiated by the "innocent little flowers" themselves. it's a fucked up situation, and my personal opinion is tt certain cases, especially of this manner, should just be judged on an individual rather than a blanket basis.

ben told me tt i wasn't what he expected. i said tt i didn't believe tt cops should all be the tuck-in shirt/go-by-the-book prototypes. sure, you'd def have more of your fair share of those around, but i've always felt tt the movers and shakers are the one who are different. like you, of course. so different tt your own mom has mistaken you for an ah long, a pimp and an illegal vcd vendor (well. we seem to have a lot of those going around, now don't we? ;) ) and even ben agreed. said tt people have a lot of misconceptions about him too. most don't believe tt he's in law. hell, tt he's even studying. why? because he doesn't look it.

tt's why first impressions are so deceiving. :)

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and i miss you, still. i remember you fondly. and you were right. for all tt short time tt we were together, you made a big enough impact on my life to last. sometimes i wish i could go back to singapore right now, just so tt i could see you again and give you one big hug. it doesn't matter if we're friends or more than tt. you'll always be important to me.

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...but enough blogging-catharsis for tonight. back to my paper.

i'm looking forward to new york after my exams. lionel's agreed to put me up! YAY! i am so grateful. :)

just back from my snowboardin' weekend this evening! 3 days and 3 nights in whistler mountains conquering the slopes! NICE!

anyway yeah. just a recap of the trip on fri. i went with 3 guys - shawn, weiliang and kweelim. and YES. they treated me like a princess (coz i was the only girl! wahaha.) when we shared the hotel room, i got the whole sofa bed to myself, i got priority in showering, and they carried all the groceries when we bought stuff from marketplace, even when i tried to wrestle for the groceries.



so these are my 3 companions - from left, shawn, me, weiliang and kweelim. all three guys are econs students here on exchange from singapore. and shawn's also a crazy sports fanatic and triathlete/marathon runner who does full marathons in 3 hours and aspires to do an ironman. more power to him!

anyway tt was taken at the ubc bus loop as we were waiting for the bus to take us to the terminal so tt we could take the greyhound up to whistler.

it was a 2 and a half hour ride up to the mountains. by the time we got there, it was past 8pm, dark and very very cold. we checked into our lodge at market pavilion, which had 1 double bed, 1 sofa bed and a tv. well. it also had a kitchenette and a microwave and a stove, so we pretty much made good use of everything we had there.

for one, we bought kfc (it's kfc in whistler too, not pfk) for our dinner. they had an amazing offer of 12 pieces of chicken for $12.99. and another 5 pieces for just $5.00. so we bought 17 pieces of chicken and shared it all between the four of us. we ended up with 4 pieces each (except for kweelim who had 5). we also went to marketplace to buy sustenance (i.e. lay's potato chips) and pcl liquor store to get cider and red wine.



so here is us in our room toasting after dinner. basically, our after-dinner activities consist of playing bridge and daidee, and watching tv. for some reason, we get to watch the simpsons and south park every fucking night.

we had to wake up early on sat morning to get our rental equipment and check in for our sessions.

but first: early morning photo time, as we walked from our lodge to the village!

whistler village - me and shawn.



and whistler village again - me and weiliang.



so we checked in for our lessons, got our lift passes and our rental equipment...



- me and my snowboard! ready to conquer whistler! hahaha.

...and then we took the gondola - it's the whistler cable car - to the olympic station midway between the village and the peak to learn the basics. shawn, weiliang and kweelim were all learning how to ski, so i was the only one learning how to board. it was strange tho; it was 7 degrees out, and we were all wearing so much clothes tt everyone was perspiring even though there was snow. talk about strange.

my instructor was this really cute aussie guy called eddy. he taught us how to skate, side-slip, and tried to teach me how to turn. but i suck at turning, and because my snowboarding boots were half a size too small, my toes had been squished so tight tt they hurt so much they'd gone numbed. eddy had to keep coming back to me and helping me along. not tt i mind of course. ;) aussie snowboarding instructors can be hot.

anyway we went up to the peak for lunch, and then he decided to let us try the runs! on day 1! which was amazing, but i was falling all over the place. on my butt, on my knees, on my side...

but being able to attempt a real slope on day 1 is amazing! even though eddy got us lost coz he's only been at whistler for 1 month and he didn't know all the slopes too well, so we ended up taking a gondola down to creekside and having to take a bus back. and we also had to take this run tt was actually tougher than the usual whisky jack slope tt i've been doing on the 2nd and 3rd day, coz it was steeper with slighter sharper turns and a narrower face. tt was really freaky for a first day when my sense of control was just completely whacked.

i was almost an hour late in meeting the 3 guys after our lessons coz of the bus ride and all tt. kweelim was really tired after one day of skiing. after we walked back to our room, he crashed on the bed and we stayed in the rest of the night watching tv (and the simpsons, south park and the family guy) and playing bridge and daidee. and shawn is amazing at talking cock. he totally cracks me up. and he totally bullies weiliang and kweelim too. haha.

in the end, we took for dinner the groceries tt we'd bought from the marketplace - hot dogs with bread and cheese. coz i was still hungry, i cracked a couple of eggs and scrambled them with mushrooms and sausages. my first foray into cooking. wahaha. but it was pretty good, if i must say so myself. weiliang agrees. then again, you cannot go wrong with eggs, sausages and mushrooms.

when i woke up early on sat morning, my body was aching. my arms from carrying the snowboard around, my knees and thighs from the controlling of the board and the moving around, my knees (also) and my butt from all tt falling (got orh che liao!), and my toes were purple.

we ate a hearty breakfast (we always do), then made our way down to the village for day 2 of lessons. shawn had picked up skiing pretty quick, so he decided to forgo lessons. for me, my instructor for today trevor, took us right up to the peak and let us do a couple of runs to practice our turning. but the problem was tt i never really learnt the basics in the first place, so i had huge problems trying to keep up with the rest of the class. literally. oh, and i fell like never before. i have fallen in every way possible.

hard on my butt (coz the snow was icy and therefore fucking HARD today), on my side, on my knees, and once on my face. the face was was amazing. i overbalanced, tripped over my board, flew into the air and landed hard on my left cheekbone and skidded a couple of meters, leaving my gloves, beanie and ski goggles 2 m behind me (after i recovered, i had to suffer the embarassment of scrambling back upslope to grab my stuff). OW. more orh che to add to my collection. like someone gave me a shiner. BAH.

but it was still pretty fun. we did the whisky jack and pony trail runs today, then took the chair lift back up. so i learnt how to get off a chair lift with a snowboard strapped on without tripping over the board. tt was cool. i have a 50% chance of successfully skating off the ski lift without doing a split in the process.

met the 3 guys back at the village after my class. this time i was the early one. heh. we decided not to waste our eveining by staying in (considering tt according to some of the people in my class, whistler has a couple of clubs and pubs worth checking out at night), so we deposited our ski and boarding stuff back in the room, then came back out to explore the village.

well, besides the shops and expensive eating areas.. we found a cinema!

so after eating dinner (we cooked more of the stuff tt we bought from marketplace; the three guys cooked their own noodles; i used campbells' soup to make clam chowder with bread)... we went to catch the 9.30pm "the chronicles of narnia: the lion the witch and the wardrobe" movie!



me with the movie poster. and my mal-adjusted beanie. HEH.

i'm not going to say tt much about it, but i didn't really like it tt much. on the upside, i can finally say tt i watched it. but still, it feels like an imitation of lord of the rings, right down to the suspenseful epic battle scenes and all tt. and the actors didn't really convince me; and the characters portrayed didn't really win me over. and shawn and i were like: "hello? there's a battle going on. what the HELL are the two sisters doing sleeping with a dead lion for so long?"

more interestingly, when we got back to our room, weiliang and i were watching southpark... and they were spoofing azlan from the movie! was tt karma or was tt karma???

this morning we had to wake up early to pack up and check out before riding for the third straight day. this time, all of us decided not to take lessons and just attempt all the runs on our own. so yeah, here's weiliang, kweelim and me as we take the gondola up to the peak!





and here is me and shawn, almost ready to ride and ski. YES. i wear the goofy goggles when i ride. it keeps the sun out of my eyes and my upper cheeks warm. esp since today it was -5 degrees... and we were ALL wearing a lot less than we were on day 1. plus my gloves keep getting snow in, so it isn't tt warm. and you should be there when snow gets into my PANTS. talk about 'wooooooaaaaah'.



yay! me and my board. with all the snow on it. the snow on the board is like evidence of how many times you've fallen. me? i fall A LOT. like i said, hard on my butt, on my side, on my knees, and today, 2 more times on my face (once more with the flying goggles and beanie). yeah. talk about the ultimate unglam. conquered the whisky jack 4 more times today just to practice out. am ok, if you count not being about to turn (!!!) as ok (wahaha), and was trying to actually go fast. yeah, once again, putting the cart before the horse. i can go fast... except tt i can't stop. explains why i keep falling, esp on my face.

it got foggy in the afternoon coz cloud settled towards the mid-station, and tt's not good coz all you see is white-out, so you can't really distinguish the terrain. i couldn;t actually judge the steepness of the slopes i was tackling, which was a little scary coz i didn't know how fast or slow to go.

but it's all good. like luke said, no matter what, you always end up with a huge smile on your face.

tt is true.

so after the 4th run, i met kweelim and weiliang back at the olympic station, and we took the gondola back to the village, where we met shawn. and then we returned our retals, collected our bags, and caught the 4.30pm greyhound back to vancity.

and for dinner, we busted $24.00 each on a sushi buffet dinner at b.c. sushi. we ordered 30 pieces of sashimi, 3 pieces of tuna, 6 pieces of lobster, and 4 pieces of abalone, sea urchin, alaskan, sharks' fin and soft shell sushi, 3 pieces of futomaki, california roll, tuna and salmon sushi, 1 piece of elephant clam and toro sushi, a few other kinds of sushi, 6 pieces of bbqed beef ribs, 3 pieces of mutton chops, 1 unagi don, 3 mozarella cheese sticks and gyoza, agedashi tofu, teriyaki chicken, 6 pieces of motoyaki, fried fish, salmon belly shioyaki, 6 pieces of chicken wings, ebi and vegetable and red snapper tempura, deep fried scallops, miso soup, and among us 12 servings of mango pudding...

yes. and i am stuffed.

but happy. wahaha.



for posterity. ;)

adios.

i'll see you guys on tuesday.

even though i am so dead for my papers...

fuck, but i lurrrrve my life right now.

and you're coming tonight. :) yay.

dinner was as always, a hilarious affair. once again, the singaporeans have to be 'ínvited' to clear our trays and leave the caf.

ben tay taught diana, charlene and anne how to puff a cigarette today. i wasn't around to be similarly schooled tho coz my philips nike mp3 player chose today to tell me it had gone straight to hell, so i was too pissed to go to the lib to join them. anyway at dinner charlene was telling weiquan tt ben's teaching them to smoke more sae. weiquan said both ways also can. and then diana was pointing out tt ben said tt a cigarette should be lighted in the mouth, not in the hand. the speculation was tt it's so fucking expensive, cannot waste. so weiquan was like, yar lah. in tt case, every puff, cannot take your cigarette out of your mouth. then once you finish smoking, must stand in a glass cabinet so tt you can recycle the air. cannot waste mah.

fuck. i don't know how i'm going to complete my papers in time. and tomorrow i'm going to whistler for 4 days to snowboard with shawn, kweelim and weiliang. actually, *I* am snowboarding. the other 3 guys signed up for skiing. weiquan is like: "huh? i thought shawn quite zhai one. how come he choose such an ah-peh sport instead?" (fyi, shawn runs full marathons in around 3+ hours) i said i had no idea man.

but die lah, like tt.

i am such a hedonist.

It's a beautiful day to run. Absolutely sunshiney beautiful. But here I am indoors, engulfed with panic over my papers. I slacked too much. I cannot slack anymore or there is no way I am handing in 2 8000 word papers by the 21st; not with 2 exams to study for too. And a lot of distraction in between.

For now.

THE TRAPEZE SWINGER
- by Iron and Wine

please remember me, happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin, the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill, and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention

but please remember me, fondly
i heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like: “we'll meet again” and “fuck the Man”
and “tell my mother not to worry”
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry

and please remember me, at Hallowe’en
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came i was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world and then returned
and now you're lit up by the city

so please remember me, mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by, but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate just like the gates
around the Holy Kingdom
with words like: “lost and found” and “don't look down”
and “someone save temptation”

and please remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior

but please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain, and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
in circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright with cinder gray in spray paint:
“who the hell can see forever?”

and please remember me, seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees, you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last, the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled the circus dogs, the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear, but if i make the Pearly Gates
i’ll do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissin’ on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze-swinger

omg. angel aka warren worthington - my fave x-men character - is in x-men 3!!! worldwide release 26 may 2006.

i hope i'm back in sg by then. i wanna watch it so bad already.

"hey... i just called to say hi."

"öh. Hi!"

he called. and i mentally danced a little jig.

eep.

but baby, we're on a roll.

bro. i would have left this on your comments page, but your blog doesn't allow comments from non "team members". which includes pretty much everyone who doesn't have access to your blog.

to use one of the many overused cliches around, life is a mystery. you can't predict life and what happens in life, no matter what you think the odds are. and people being people, we are interdependent. we go through life every day choosing between options a and b, deciding which doors to go down, which paths to take. and invariably we will always ask for advice or a second opinion.

but just as lawyer indemnify themselves against instances where their advice results in an unplanned consequence, or doctors in a case where even with the best medical assistance a patient dies or suffers complications due to other unforeseeable factors, you cannot take personal blame for advice given to me.

let's face it bro. this whole time i've been getting opinions from both camps. and well... the reasons that the opposite camp gave me for not getting together with him was simply tt the relationship would be too new and fragile; tt he would have confidence problems about me straying and feel like his hands were being tied coz of me; tt the class differences would affect him too much.

and let's just say tt for whatever reasons tt we broke up, those weren't it. not the main contributing factors, at least.

you can't take responsibility for your advice. i made a choice of deciding what action to take, and to be honest bro, i still feel tt you give me one of the best pieces of advice every time. i have never regretted taking your advice once, and i don't regret taking it now. even if you hadn't given me your opinion, which i asked for, i would still have chosen to get together with him.

i don't regret anything tt's happened bro. i don't regret getting together with him. i don't regret those times we spent getting closer. i don't regret the happiness tt he brought me. i don't regret anything, not even the moments of sadness, of pain, and of the final separation, because for everything tt's happened, he's enriched my life with memorable experiences tt i can take to the grave.

rem how i told you tt no matter what, i have never regretted anything in my life? not even the screwed-up episodes, not even the mistakes made, not even the actions tt i have taken. i don't believe in "what ifs" and living in the past. i believe in the here and now. i don't believe in safe and successful living, i believe in passionate living. and for tt reason, i don't see anything tt i've done, and by postulation, anything tt you've told me, as a mistake.

don't take responsibility for the advice bro. there's no responsibility to be taken in the first place. there were no mistakes, no regrets, and i still want you to continue supporting and believing in me and giving me good advice tt i can use.

and i miss you like hell. there isn't anyone else i can be content with sitting at the playground at the clementi central hawker centre after a tanglin halt western food dinner and nestling a milo dinosaur till late into the night.

i played this song while i was arranging his birthday present so tt i could ship it back to singapore before the 29th of december. and i realised tt i can't play this song anymore. because it makes me cry.

food for thought.

taken from my previous blog entries.

17 june 2005:

the first meeting.

"i have met my role-model-to-be.

a guy who doesn't look like a cop, act like a cop, dress like a cop or talk like a cop. but he's done so much fucking more for the force and for society than people who do look act dress and talk like cops. i want to be like him, even if tt means signing my soul to the spf once i get it back from dragonboat and nus law. i want to work like him, think like him, be the kind of officer that he is.

johnny thinks i'm totally crazy over him (even though tt guy is 10 years older than me). maybe i am, coz i know i'm in love with his mind.

but tt's for another day. if anything, spf has a hell lot of eye candy. i told the guys my plans for the future which include staying single and devoting all my life to my cases. eye candy with no committment should be more than enough for me.

besides like johnny says... there's always ONS. ;)"

23 june 2005:

the first dinner and coffee.

"he's charming. he's so goddamned charming he puts all other singaporean men i know to shame. he's frank and open. i love his philosophy of life. i love his way of thinking. i love his personality. and most of all, i love the way he makes me laugh. and i'm not just saying jokes or a sense of humour. i have never laughed this fucking hard in a very long time. we were in tcc and i was laughing so much tt people were turning and staring, and my stomach hurt and i felt like i was going into spasms."

26 june 2005:

confrontation.

"i'm so confused.

but the best - or worst - thing, is tt we click. i can talk to you about everything under the sun, and when it comes to jokes you make me laugh so much tt it hurts, and when it comes to serious stuff i feel like you're the only one who gets what i think. coz let's face it like i said. i'm a fucking idealist. and most people don't understand tt.

my sms inbox is always flooded with messages from you. and i need to delete them but i don't know where to start and i can't delete them fast enough. and i find it amusing tt even when you camp out in the office for days on end or when you're outside some bar or club or ktv pub (what an old man hang-out. yeesh) you still call and talk to me for about 20 min at least.

every practical thing tells me tt there is no happy ending. there is nothing but pain and heart break and suffering, because of what you are and what i am. the other differences - what i consider inconsequential differences - mean so much to the rest of society tt everyone will never let us be together. and tt is even if i survive exchange.

i always thought tt i was ready to go on exchange. go away for a year. leave my parents behind. have a fling with a cute canadian boy or 3. hah. and now i don't really want to go anymore. it's not the going tt is the problem. i don't want to leave.

i always thought tt chemistry was the essential element for a relationship to work. i still think it is. scarily, at the worst possible time and in the worst possible situation i think i've found it."

15 july 2005:

together.

"i know tt the friends worry. i'll be gone for 1 year. there is only a month plus before i leave. can a new and fragile relationship survive a 1 year absence? i don't know. i can't tell you. we both have decided to have no expectations. yes we're together but he doesn't want a promise of commitment from me. he says he will be committed to me and waiting, but he's giving me the option to change my mind (yeah. i know. i'm getting a fucking good deal and i think he's really too fucking good to me). we're going on feelings here.

when there is nothing else, there is tt feeling of happiness tt we feel when we're with each other. it doesn't matter if we don't do anything at all. it doesn't matter if we don't say anything to each other. my bro calls it 'contentment'. let's be cliche. let's call it 'bliss'. but it's there. it exists, tho i still have no goddamned idea how.

so we both came to this conclusion (i told you. we both think so alike i think it's fucking scary): if He has a plan for all this, then no matter all the obstacles and barriers tt we have to overcome, we'll be strong enough to survive them all."

22 july 2005:

foreshadowance.

"during dinner he was telling me tt he'd spoken to a female friend of his about us. and she was the first one to give him negative comments. said to him tt he'd better think through this carefully because i probably wasn't serious about this relationship. tt i was "just being 21", being naive and impulsive, challenging the norm to god knows what end. said tt when i went to canada, i'd probably hook up with some canadian boy and forget all about him, and he would be the one hurting."

24 august 2005:

the hard goodbye.

"it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on."

7 dec 2005:

and look where we are now?

we don't talk anymore, email anymore. i'm no longer a part of your life, nor you of mine. it's not tt i don't try anymore, but it's tt you don't respond anymore. you stopped a long time ago, and i've stopped trying. and thus it ends.

did it die? or have we both just lost our faith?