absolutum dominium

"it's not always rainbows and butterflies..."

can't always have clear skies and sunshine. maybe tt's why it's raining this morning. not a heavy rain mind you, but typical vancity rain - light, chill, and mildly depressing.

funny how my fave quotes are always one-liners from songs. tt's why i only seem to know 1 line from any song, and all these lines just seem to lodge themselves somewhere in my head, only to surface at the most inopportune times.

lotsa people are telling me how fun my life seems right now; all the places i get to go, all the things i get to see - and trust me i am infinitely grateful for all the opportunities and chances tt i have been given. but sometimes... there are certain things tt you see tt just make you feel uncomfortable. like when we were taking the bus to and from lynn canyon park yesterday, we were passing through lanes upon lanes of idyllic rows of pretty houses upon houses, neatly lined up with parks of green in the middle and owners playing with their dogs... you know? the stuff tt you see in the movies when you watch shows involving american suburbs. the so-called "american dream", or in this case the "canadian dream".

pretty? definitely. but very unsettling. there was this surreal quality to it. i found myself saying tt i could never live here, never live in picture-perfect pleasantville because this kind of perfection chilled me. it was too sterile, too clean, like an ideal i couldn't achieve. sure, you're looking at property with 7-digit price tags anyway, so i guess there is def tt. but at the same time, canada has the space tt singapore doesn't and will never have, canada has the climate tt singapore has never and will never have; and canada has a quality of life tt is available only to a fraction of singaporeans.

you find yourself unconsciously comparing the life here to the one back in singapore, especially as the time to return draws nearer. i love the weather here, even though it gets really cold and miserable esp at night. i love the fact tt "wind" is really "wind" and not just an excuse for a breeze. i love the fact tt snow-capped trees are more than images on a "wish you were here" postcard. i love the fact tt i can see mountains when i walk to class. i love the fact tt possibilities seem endless, if only tt money or the lack thereof is my constraint.

but while i could live here for a year or two or more... i guess singapore will always be my home. i can't live picture-perfect idyllic. i'd die of boredom. i used to think tt my attachment to singapore extended only so far as to my family and friends, and maybe... to the food. but the truth is, when you've grown up there in tt culture (yes. we *do* have a culture, even though it's difficult to define it as any one subject per se), you can't help but feel like you belong there. i can't imagine going anywhere away from there for too long. for all the issues tt i have, i love singapore. i love the so-called lack of identity, such tt the country is always trying to define itself (sometimes to quite hilarious results), i love the diversity of different places within the country; from the prettiness of the botanic gardens to the messiness and good hot spicy indian food at little india or watching live fish get beheaded at chinatown market... everything tt you might consider small and insignificant and mundane... they start to mean a lot when you don't see them much anymore, or when you're far away.

but to be honest, at the bottom of it all, i feel scared. scared of growing up.

sometimes it doesn't hit you, sometimes it does. the fact tt i am 22.

i can keep pretending tt i am still 18, still a student and still not fully accountable for my actions. but i'm not anymore. i'm not even a teenager anymore. it's one of those things tt you try not to think about, or at least i try not to think about, because i don't want to grow up.

i don't want to grow up, to have to be an adult. to have to be responsible for my actions and those of others, to shoulder heavy burdens and responsibilities associated with adulthood, to have to pay taxes and CPF, to have to consider life-changing decisions like career moves and dating and marriage and stuff. even i blog as if i'm still well, *young*; i write with ludicrous expressions, post up silly photos... etc.

someone once told me tt growing up was something tt you just had to come to terms with. it wasn't as scary as i think it is - all it involved was acknowledging tt you were an adult and responsible for your actions. from thereon everything would be so much simpler to deal with.

well. i obviously haven't acknowledged anything.

maturity isn't in physical development or in the activities tt you do. it isn't about how old you look or how much make-up you use; it isn't about whether you can drink, drive, fuck or watch R21 movies. it's about the way you think, how you consider yourself and other people, maybe even Maslow's or Kohlberg's theories of motivation and morality; and it's about how you feel and how you are able to express and control those emotions.

i suppose in some aspects i've def grown older than i would have been were i still really 18. i've seen a bit, learnt a bit, but i know tt there is so much more room to grow and to see and to learn. i'm an escapist. i'm afraid of the burdens and responsiblities tt i associate with growing up, with the innate cynicm and resignation tt i see far too often. i don't think i am special, but i want to be one of those people who break the mould. who prove tt you don't have to be staid and serious and cynical and resigned when you grow up; tt you can still have fun, tt you can still have a life, tt you can still behave like a child with the mental age of 6 or 11 (depending on who you are talking about. ;) ), tt you can still be unafraid to fail or fall.

i'm thinking too much again, aren't i?

one of my fave all-time quotes is from the kanye west song "all falls down":

"But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings"

let me not go tt way too.