Saturday, January 15, 2005
Recovering My Past #16: January 15-31 2005
As of now, I wish to switch back to Blogspot. But I don't wish to lose all that I have worked for so far. So I will attempt to salvage as much of my past as I possibly can.
Wish me luck.
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| Have I lost it all, save for you? | |
| Blogging is supposed to release one's emotions. Essentially, make one feel better. But as time goes on I feel so naked on my blog, because so many eyes visit it now, so many questions are being asked, and I'm feeling myself crumbling, giving in the the need to hide, to censor, to do everything tt I swore I would never do no matter how or what happened. I don't know. I'm getting mixed views from all over the place, although everyone's mainly negative except me. Should I or shouldn't I? I hate it when stuff like this happens. Why can't I be the lucky one? Or the cold, unfeeling one? Why can't I just be the strong independent one the way I used to be, comfortable and happy in my own skin and my own company? I hate having to need people around me. I love my friends, and my girls, and my family, but I don't need constant company. Until now. Loneliness drives me crazy. Even my hall room drives me crazy coz I feel so enclosed with nothing except myself. I have no mood to do anything, not study, not do project work, not do my readings, not even to train for swimming. It's like my heart isn't even there anymore. Sure, I can go through the motions, but I can't... really... Oh well... That's it. I'm sian of blogging for now. Help me someone. I need to get over myself for once. | |
AIN’T IT FUNNY? Sometimes I’m not sure how to feel. In general, I’m happy. I’ll admit it, yes I have my many angry pissed off “fuck you world!!!” moments, and yes I also have my damn depressive “poor me” “life sucks” “shall I go kill myself?” moments, but in general, I am happy. Or maybe not happy. The word I would be looking for is “contented”. Or “grateful”. Or ain’t I just the fucking optimist? I’m not tt tired really. So I yawn, so I’m sleepy, so I act like lifeless jello sometimes, but no, I’m not tired. I don’t have a thing against school, believe it or not. No, I don’t like studying, meaning tt I would rather do the whole world than study, but I don’t have a thing against school. I like law. For all the multitude of cases and essays and articles tt I never read, half the lectures I never attend and the tutorials I go unprepared for, I don’t like law. I am happy in law school. So maybe I’m tired and I don’t have a group of friends I can talk to or hang out with, but I’ve… for the lack of a better word, come to accept this. And seriously, it isn’t quite so bad. I love dragonboat. I love what I do otherwise. I don’t like politicking, I don’t like fakeness and underlying tensions, I don’t like having to do something without having the heart to do it or the encouragement or the support, but at the same time it’s all this stuff tt helps me get through school without becoming a bored-out-of-my-mind mugger… And I love my friends. And I love my parents. I really do. Even though I might complain when I go home for weekends or when I do get pissed off, but I really love my parents. I love doing housework even. Okay, I *DON’T* love doing housework, but I don’t have a problem with doing housework, with sweeping, moping or vacuuming, with doing dishes, washing cars, watering plants and all other miscellaneous activities tt I do whenever I go home on weekends. Well, as far as it seems, my life is dandy. Almost I guess. Except tt what I thought would just be a fun thing, something I could detach myself from, became something else entirely. And it’s heady, but very very sad. It makes me feel sad, in both the sorrowful as well as pathetic sense. The emptiness is strongest when I’m hungry, and somehow both emotion and sensation feed off each other and I revel in the sheer ludicrousness of it all. Or when I pass through MacRitchie and Ang Mo Kio and I look out wondering for tt 1/100th chance, small and possibly non-existent as it is. They’re starting to ask, who how and why? And I will say nothing to no one about anything more. As far as friends go, I hope tt we manage to get back to what we were, where there were no secrets, no crazy emotional politicking, and we could just get away with yelling at each other and making up and being as fucking close as we used to be. | |
...as old as I am. ;) | |||
I missed Surf n Sweat this morning. Couldn't wake up. 2 birthday parties in 1 night is no joke. Was so fucking tired, because of the fact tt the morning was spent doing housework and the afternoon running errands, and it doesn't help tt I still miss you. And from Amy's blog:
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Sunday, January 30, 2005
You've never left tt little window within my heart. Your shadow remains there, twisting into me like a tiny knife, cutting tiny but noticeable wounds into my soul. So I know tt you're there, whether you know the same or not, and though I go on living my daily life, you never leave me alone. I'm stupid, I acknowledge and accept. Silly decisions made by a silly person, unbefitting of one in this day and age. Silly, but right I feel. Funny how you just waltz right in, without meaning to, and just stay right there. Funny how I let you do it. How does one with so little time still manage to make this happen? And now I have to give you more. Oh well. | |
| ANNOUNCEMENT Izzy has lost her phone. If it couldn't get any worse. Her emotions are a wreck, her parents are stressing her out and emotionally blackmailing her to go home and do housework, and to top it off, tonight she's dropped her phone while walking back from an NUS bus stop to her hall, and the phone has already been retrieved by some dishonest phone-stealing fucker. So there's the hassle of replacing the SIM card and getting a new phone, forking out all that bloody precious MONEY just to do so, having to face her father's wrath and worse yet, his DiSaPpOiNtMeNt at her lack of maturity and sheer carelessness at losing the phone. There's always housework and parent-counselling awaiting at home, and 2 birthday parties to attend, and a Surf n Sweat thing she doesn't know if she'll be allowed to go for, and gosh... She's lost so many contacts. And one esp. And messages she wanted to save. Oh, but life isn't always smooth... And she guesses tt this was God's way of telling her tt things weren't so bad after all. Of distracting her. Of giving her a message, altho she knows not what. She gets sad when she's alone. Really sad. Empty. A little pathetic, a little loserly. But then she recalls her teammates, and dinner with them. The ridiculous conversations, the little shows of caring. The stomach-cramps inducing hyena-like laughter. Where she feels genuinely happy. Where she finds something she really wants to fight for. She left because she didn't know what she was doing. She's pretty much found out her purpose. And maybe it was good tt she left, coz it's a lot more clearer to her now. And a part of her wishes she never left. A purpose. Something worth fighting for. People worth loving, fighting for, dying for. They helped her through the darkness 1 year ago, and she knows they're going to help her through this darkness again. P.S. People, please resend me your contact numbers through SMS if you have my number. Or if you are on my MSN. Thanks a lot! :) | |
| TITLE AND REGISTRATION - Deathcab For Cutie The glove compartment is inaccurately named, | |
| when you find something tt you know is worth waiting for, you never give up. better, getting back on my feet, and not giving up. | |
Thursday, January 27, 2005
| I wish tt you were here, so I could just hug you and cry and just hold on to you. And I don't care tt you don't and can't love me and tt we will never be happy. I just want to pretend for now. Please? | |
| I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. Like I can't control my life, can't stand on my own two feet. It's not tt I'm irrational and I can't understand or anything like tt, it's really tt I'm just feeling so weak and helpless, like I can't be comfortable being alone, knowing my worth or value, and I just need someone to reassure me tt I am not friendless, not valueless, not worthless, not fat, not ugly, not too clingy, not too delusional, not too anything at all... I wish I weren't so fucking weak.
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| You know, I really thought it could work out. It hurts so so so much to see my dreams all crushed like tt. So maybe I never really knew you, but you were all I ever wanted. All I ever really really wanted, and no one else. You were perfect to me. But I knew perfection would have its flaws. So did you. And I don't blame you. I entirely understand. I really do. And I feel like such a fool. You did the 'it's not you, it's me' thing on me too. Haha. Why do I feel so unattractive, like I don't really matter? How is it tt I can have so much self-esteem one moment, and now have none at all? | |
| so it's over. time to get back on my feet again. | |
| and just when i thought i was all over it, and now it hurts all over again. and i just ask myself why i am the biggest fool on earth. | |
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
| LIVING FOR THE MOMENT I've always been an advocate of living life for life itself. Carpe diem! Seize the moment. Live every moment like it's your last. Yes, these cliched phrases have long since been my mantra when I wake up every morning, or rather, I try to keep them in mind until at least mid-sem when the work piles up and the optimism leaves. But I'm not living for the moment right now. I'm living a day-to-day life as though I'm just passing the time, waiting and waiting for time to pass. I am highly unhappy with myself. It's not tt I'm not doing anything, but right now all I'm doing is pure Distraction. Filler. Time-killer. You get what I mean don't you? And it's frustrating. I hate not being able to do things for the sake of doing them, but right now it's like I don't have the self-control to change my current mindset. And I used to be a proponent of spontaenity. It goes with the 'live for the moment' catchphrase pretty well, no? But right now, I wish there was more... order. More planning, scheduling. Something more concrete. I never thought I would say this, but I hate last minute cock-ups and re-scheduling... At least for now. It shouldn't matter so much, but it does. Fortunately, it's not as bad as my pet peeve: tt I hate being accused of things I haven't done. Anyway today was relatively fruitful. All but academically wise. I'm so sleepy in the mornings. It's bad for staying awake in lectures. Maybe I really *should* just go back to bloody coffee. And I gripe abt the fact (once again), tt I'm like a piece of driftwood in law school. I know so many people I can hang around with any one group at any one point in time - lecture with 1 group; lunch with a different group; studying with yet another group and yet another lecture with yet another group. But it's painfully obvious tt I don't belong anywhere and I can't participate in conversation because I'm not really comfortable with anyone. That's such a pain. Gosh. Oh, and thanks Huihua for helping me with the LCS stuff. I'm really really grateful to you. In the evening I went running with Adrian's running group, and decided to join my teammates for dinner. On a side note, I'm a little irritated tt some people have really big mouths. If Johnny knows, then the whole fucking world can clue in on the secret too. But nonetheless, dinner was nice, even tho everyone was tired and quiet. I miss the comfortable familiarity of dinner with my teammates. And we spoke of racist language and eating disorders at the dinner table. Yes well. I've done Ian's birthday card. But I have so many more birthdays coming up. At least 5 more. Not tt I'm complaining, but 1) I'm broke. Really really broke. And I owe so many people I can't even remember who anymore. 2) I'm stressed over writing cards and buying presents (imagine tt! the one thing to be stressed over?!?!)... Argh. Did I tell you how much I *HATE* last-minute stuff??? | |
| There is no such thing as complete perfection. If perfection exists, then there must be some flaw, some hole in the system, tt renders it earthly enough for our world. I am beginning to understand how perfection can go unnoticed, and it is a bitter sweet sensation. Craving and longing, self-doubt, yet unabashed wonder, hope. Too much hope, sometimes. I'm glad tt perfection includes integrity. Or honour. To me, the most important quality in a person, be it man or woman. Honour, a sense of morality, of justice, the awareness of how one should treat others. Some people lack this integrity, and tt is sad. Both for them, who know not what they lack, and for others, who become the victims of callous behaviour. Tough lessons handed out, and tough lessons learnt. Am feeling out of sorts. I can't concentrate on my work. I can throw myself into training, but I still need a companion. I strive for perfection. I want to do so many things tt I would never have done before, and I marvel at the feelings evoked every single teeny tiny instance. I'm torn. I have decisions to make, tough decisions, and I have to make them. But you know what, if my current crisis actually works out and I come to a resolution tt is favourable to my situation, I think my dad might actually be happy. P.S. I'm not interested in knowing any new people interested in finding a relationship. Especially if you're adding me from my blog. I don't believe in getting into relationships out of collateral excuses like loneliness, and I don't believe in cyber or faceless relationships. Capice? | |
| "Where you are, seems to be, as far as an eternity." I've become an emotional wreck. Baaad. Baaad baad Izzy. Baad baad Izzy is not supposed to live from emotion to emotion, get irrationally panicky over the slightest things, and God forbid... behave like H**** Wong. :( Sweetest Goodbye - Maroon 5 Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity | |
| I don't know what anyone can see in me. I really don't. I've an averagely pretty face, but tt's all there is to it. I have chunky monkey arms, no waist, thunder thighs and slabs of flab all over my body. I'm short and stocky like a box. I try too hard; I'm too reserved. I'm too shy; I'm not expressive. I fear too much, question to much, curse too much, am too arrogant and elitist, am too insecure, am so many many things and the sum total of which is just a fucking mess... I really don't. He's too good for me, tt's what I feel. Many other girls would have thrown themselves at his feet, girls with long straight hair, slim figures and pretty faces, FHM models to pageant finalists, girls who can charm, girls who are smooth, who know what they want, who are expressive, who can let him be... I don't understand. I'm afraid. I'm very very afraid. | |
True - I won't talk
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Saturday, January 22, 2005
"I AM THINKING IT'S A SIGN THAT THE FRECKLES IN OUR EYES ARE MIRROR IMAGES..." "...And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." Boredom makes for multiple blog entry fillers. Never been so bored on a Sat afternoon. I should be studying or doing my tutorial as I planned, but no. Don't feel like it. Too fucking hot. I should be ut there getting a tan under the sun, or splashing water on myself to keep cool. Okay, shut up already. (am speaking to myself) Am feeling scarily sentimental. I can tell coz I'm deriving great meaning from The Postal Service again.Oh, and Ryan Cabrera. He may be a pretty boy, but his song 'True' is growing on me. That is a bad sign. My dad says I have too high expectations of the guys I meet. He wants to meet Debiao. Sure, I'm arranging, but I still think my dad is crazy. The damn guy is attached and I am uninterested and my dad is saying tt he's not trying to match-make me or whatever... and STILL he goes on and on and it's fucking irritating. But maybe it is, tt my expectations are too high. Maybe because I've only got 1 person in mind, such tt no one else has ever matched up. Including myself. I hate the feeling. I really do. Someone who's well, nice. Nice is a generic word. Any fucking person can be nice, don't you think? Honourable more like. It's a cliched word and I don't use it much, but honourable is the closest word I can think of to describe what I want. Honourable, noble... Chivalrous, without being chauvinistic (contradiction #1); humourous, without being too jokey (i.e. knows how to balance between being funny and being serious); mature, without taking life too seriously (again, able to strike a balance between being serious and having fun),;able to switch between corny crappy humour and intellectual discourse; simple and straightforward, while being able to understand why I am so complicated and layered; thoughtful and sensitive without being emotionally unstable... And tall (er than me), dark (er than me), and well... handsome of course. :) | |
I hate being idle. It fills my head with stupid thought. Yes, stupid thoughts are all tt I consume my time with, and I hate this. I hate being stupid and irrational and vulnerable and have my life, my mind, every fucking thing dictated by forces beyond my control. Yet, it's heady. It's so fucking heady. I thought it impossible, but it wasn't. And yet I dare not hope, dare not dream, because hopes get crushed and dreams get trodden on way too easily, and then I'll be once again reduced to the wreck I was not too long ago. And I can't allow tt. Not again. Not ever again. To fall again and again. When will I stop falling? When will I have to stop picking myself up and dusting myself off and gritting my teeth and telling myself to be strong? It's so tiring to be strong all the time. I just want to let go and just sink. Sink and fall as far as fast as I can without a heed of where I'm gonig and where I'll land up and just let faith take me as far as it can. Faith, but there's so much fear. So much fear. I'm crazy. I'm irrational. I shouldn't be doing this. I have so many other things going in my life. I have a family, whole, intact tt loves me, as much as I love them, and I will never give them up for any fucking thing in the world. I have friends tt sometimes I take for granted, but I know they are there and they care and I know we'll be around for each other as surely... And I'm training and studying and trying to find my bearings... But the feeling of being lost is still here. I want to quit IHG swimming. I don't like it at all. I don't know why the feeling is just so negative. I don't mind swimming, and I guess I can take competitive training, but the fact tt the team isn't bonded, tt the girls are like puppets of the guys... The fact tt I don't feel any more heartened and I know I will never improve in time and tt I would rather do everything else except swim... It's just consuming. I miss my girls. I miss the bonds of being in a team. A real team where everyone looks out for each other and more than just trains together. I don't have tt many friends, few tt actually call me out to play pool or mahjong or watch a movie or anything, and even less close friends whom I can talk to often... it seems everyone is busy with their own lives, their own agendas, school work, social activities (hint: other halves) and sometimes it does get lonely... But I don't complain. But I guess tt's why I miss my girls. So we have our own agendas and school work and maybe one or two, other halves... but yet somehow it all comes together. We all come together. I miss tt, ya' know? Lastly, on this lazy Saturday afternoon tt is way too hot for my liking and way too lazy for anything... Haha. I'm just checking out my exchange uni. Have a rough idea of where I want to stay... And ooh... maybe I should join Rowing there. Varsity sport. Or cross-country? HMM... Or skiing. Or better yet, I should just go back to Taekwondo or take up a new martial art that is banned in Singapore, like Ninjutsu or Jujutsu. Then I will know how to break bones. :P Okay okay... just feeling fucking melancholic and scared. I hate feeling scared, did I already mention tt? Oh gosh. | |
COST OF STUDYING IN CANADA FOR A YEAR School fees (NUS rate): $2 850 Base student fee: $604.15 Law Student Society fee: $148.00 Medical insurance: $432.00 Accomodation: $7000 (maybe I'll try on-campus accomodation at Totem Park?) Personal expenses: $2500 Total: $13534.15 OMG. Where am I going to come up with all this MONEY??? For ONE YEAR??? | |
... And thus I hope, and it is a quiet hope. A hope tt I dare not dream to be fulfilled, ever. But it is there, and it continues to persist. And I hope it never dies. ... | |
JUST CALL ME 'MARIA' It's been a good day. I think I finally recovered all tt lost sleep. I did housework of course, and I think I can become a certified domestic helper. Swept, vacuumed, washed and polished cars (plus all the small errands too)... yes I believe I can change my name to Maria. But it was good. Bonded with parents over housework. We spent the better part of the day in conversation while cleaning/moping/washing... And I finally get to hear a) the reasons as to why my bonkers maid went bonkers and what my mom intends to do abt her; b) my parents' reactions to my friends at my birthday party; and c) a bit about my exchange thingy. I'm so so so glad to know tt my parents *LOVE* my teammates!!! My mom thinks they're all really nice, down to earth, decent, friendly and sincere girls. My dad feels the same way; he thinks they'll be my most trustworthy group of friends tt will last me through life. And tt means all objections have thus far gone right out the window!!! Whoopiee! No more grumblings of discontent from the parents about training too much and developing incredible hulk muscles and turning lesbian. :) YES. And my dad likes the police scholars the most. Arhaha. The people who can ask for helping after helping of his (in)famous rum apertif, who can hold decent sensible conversations with him about him and are actually interested in his history in trading and funds management at JP Morgan... and now my dad adores Debiao. He's telling me what a nice, decent, mature, level-headed, sensible boy he is, how he provides security, can think long-term, is sincere and caring... etc etc etc. And he's been hinting time and again tt I should *consider*. Even tho said person is already attached (!!!). Argh, my dad. Sometimes I just can't understand him. No. Actually I do. He's a bit desperate coz as of now I have no social life (guys wise) and therefore am in danger of expiring (if I haven't already). But I mean what can I do? If I've no interest then I've no interest right? And I'm never ever going to be a relationship-wrecker either so there. But my dad also likes Johnny. Arhaha. Anyway the day was good and the evening was even better. Had a 5km run at MacRitchie, my first ever since X-campus in JC. And boy was it a good run. Pushed enough to pant, but not overdone, plus the company was the highlight of my year. Dinner was simple but good. And thus I am back. Ooh, and I helped my dad change the batteries in the doorbell. The copper rusted away and the batteries couldn't connect with it, so we stuck a one-cent coin in and stuck the whole thing down with masking tape. Now my door bell unit looks wounded. It's highly funny. Gosh I am a happy girl. I'm so happy tt I'm in lalalaland (3 'la'=bimbo high. 2 = sleep). Ooh. BTW I have a paddle... and I'm not afraid to use it. | |
Thursday, January 20, 2005
AND IT'S BACK TO... My blog is getting boring. I don't know abt you, but I'm getting bored with what I am writing, or rather, what I am *not* writing. If real life is mundane enough, the only further injustice one can do to it is to make it even more so in writing, don't you think? So just a nice little update on my life. As someone I'd asked the same question had told me, thus too does my life revolve around a) school b) training c) friends (except on weekends where it just becomes a) family b) training... or something along those lines). YAAAAWN. So anyway last night I slept at 3.46am. Why? You ask. Because I was rushing my Equity & Trust seminar and Public Law seminar questions, one to be handed in this morning, another to be finished by 9am. Whoopee. And the bestest part about being in Law School, is firstly the humongous amount of readings. Yes, debates about the constitutionality of the Constitution and the legitimacy of the Rule of Law yadayadayada might be interesting. Even if you make us read pages upon pages of it... But when the font is the size of fucking ant legs, and the writers try to convey a gazillion different thoughts in a single sentence, the readings become just about the *best* cure for insomnia. I swear tt is nothing like a legal textbook to stop the wide-eyed zombies at night (except maybe a Medicine textbook wahaha). Oh and I'm not done yet, because secondly, the tutors always try to get the most out of us as students. I guess it's all about trying to expose us to the stresses of the legal profession in the near future (i.e. No-Lifeness), such tt each tutorial consists of a lot of questions. Divided into little parts. With at least 3 questions in each little part. All of which refer to some reading(s) or case(s) or article(s) or another. It's not tt bad, really. For a slacker like me, I managed to complete everything within the time of finding out about the two tutorials I had to do - which was a little more than a day, even without having read anything prior to the work. Of course, this was in no small part due to James' help, so Thank You James! But still, it really is not so bad. It can be completed, just at the expense of sleep. I'm not tt bitter. Not really. Everytime someone asks how I can cope with the rigours of law school (and not end up having No Life like the vegetative species tt are gradually invading and growing in the Law lib), my answer is simply. As a lawyer I will probably make at least 3 times more than a normal person. Okay, not certainly, but probably. (And even if I don't, I don't admit it coz I know this statement pisses my detractors off immensely! Wahaha). But yes, it has its stresses. For one thing, it makes me lack sleep. Surviving on 4 hours of sleep (coz my tutorial today was at 9am) is no joke. It's a fucking uphill struggle to stay awake in classes. Your brain is so fucking numb you can barely think or make decent conversation with anyone coz all your energy is expended into keeping your body moving. And you're fucking irritably moody. The slightest of things can piss you off, and you'll be too tired to give a fuck or give anyone face. But nonetheless, what happened this morning is I went to the wrong class for tutorial. Apparently last night I mixed up my E&T and Public Law class venues, and this morning I woke up only at 8.45am, which gave me only 15 min to pack all my stuff, brush my teeth and face (with toothpaste and all ;) ) and get my fat ass off to class. Obviously, I was late and had to make a grand entrance. So with great applomb, I interrupted Thio Li-Ann in mid-sentence, mumbled a flustered apology, and clunked all the way to my little seat the the back of the room. But then... I noticed tt there were no familiar faces. I mean, I know almost everyone in law school, but what I'm trying to say is tt I didn't recognise a single person from my class. Where was Weitan? Joanne? Clarissa? Most of all, where was Debbie who'd helped wake me up 20 min ago??? And then I knew... Fuck. I'm in the wrong class. But I stayed anyway because: a) I wanted to save myself the embarassment of having to make a grand exit and a similarly grand entrace into another class; and (And yes girls, I know I am always over-doing the signposting thing. My bad.) I survive the tutorial. I'm not sure how. Prob coz Thio Li-Ann is too dynamic tt I was doing my damnedest to keep the respect thing up by not nodding off. Heh. But I was so relieved to get out of class, it was a torture trying to stay awake at times. Dammit I need more sleep lah. But anyway after tt I went to PS to meet Soh Wanli for lunch. Soh Wanli tt girl is one-quarter of the Yuwei-Kai-me-Wanli gang waaaay back at SC, but we'd all lost contact with her since... since... God, it's been YEARS since I'd seen her. Esp ever since she went to Aussie, I never thought she'd be coming back. But she did. And we met up for lunch at Cartel (the more I eat there, the worse the food gets). And she looks um... same same, but different (like tt T-shirt tagline!!!). Fairer (if it could have been possible), but with long long hair (!!!) and wearing a tank top and jeans (no longer her single T-shirt and pair of berms). Gosh... The experience is, haha... to exaggerate a little, surreal. But I'm glad we met up and she's a lot happier than she used to be. And tt's good. Ooh, and we watched Elektra. I wanted to be Elektra back when I was younger and collecting the comics. I won't spoil the movie for everyone, but let's just say I'll stick to the comics. However, Jennifer Garner is hot. And there is a (unintentional) lesbian kissing scene. Then we had waffles and ice-cream at Gelare, fooled around with the toys at the toy store (aha! My pink pig costs $16.95 wahahahahaha) and wandered through Carrefour, where yes James, I bought even more food. help. And so after tt it is back home. After a sinful dinner of clams, BBQ stingray with CHILLI PADI, laksa, chicken wings with otah and ice-kachang with the parents. And now, well. Home. Going to do housework tomorrow again. Yippee. I'm so excited (can you FEEL my excitement?). I'm going to sweep and vacuum and mop and wash the toilets and possibly my parents' cars. Wow. Basket. But nevertheless, there is the evening to look forward to. Pray let there not be a cancellation, or I will cry. Really. Ooh. And I was going to say tt I'd gotten myself into a bit of a mess, altho a bit is a bit of an understatement. I think my reputation might be in ruins, but apart from wanting to wringe someone's neck real bad (provided said fingers can wrap around throat in the first place), there is nothing else I can do, now is there? TMD. Let's just hope subsequent things work out better. Bloody hell I still run like a snail. James is right... I chao geng too much. HEH. Ooh. And there is this song with the words "tempted to touch, tempted to touch..." tt keeps playing on the radio and I WANT THE SONG!!! But I don't know the damn title or singer. There's also a CD collection of bossa nova/chill-out tunes tt I want to get, but guess what? I don't know the damn title of the whole collection either!!! Wahaha... I suck so much I'm good. Okay okay, just pray I get through this week end. I know I'm incredibly whiny about doing housework but TMD see the fucking size of the house!!! EEEAAARRRGGGHHHH. Gosh I feel violent. Like, rage. Anyway speaking of interesting things, a few quotes have been running in my head at random. They have absolutely no bearing on my mood or circumstance. They just... are. a) "In sooth, I know not why I am so sad." The first is from The Merchant of Venice (Antonio's very first line in the play; I can't believe I still rem it from 7 years ago!!!); the second from my hall junior Delfine, whose soccer jersey number is '78'. And if you don't get the 'sinful number' bit, tt's coz you're not saying it in the right language. :) Oh. And I love bitch-fits, bitching sessions, and being a bitch. I think it makes me a happier person. Not necessarily a better person, but def a happier person. | |
| I feel so tired. I'm not even sure why. I've *had* it with guys. They can all go kill themselves for all I care (sorry, does not apply to everyone, just a few really thick ones in question. but they are *really really* thick). When I saw the Eusoff butches at soccer on Sunday I almost wished I was lesbian. Because they are hot. Oh, and yes, because I'm sick of guys. But I can't wait till Friday. Even though we once again have no more maid, MOM is giving my parents hell, and I'm so fucking tired a weekend of rest turned into a weekend of housework so isn't my idea of fun. And sorry girls, can't go club with you tonight. I'm still trying to rush my work for tomorrow. UGH. Somebody please stab me and put me out of my misery. | |
| I just find it incredibly ironic tt we're apparently arch-rivals of KR and we're having this weird "oranges/brinjals" war going on... and then I look out of my window and right into the rooms of the KR hostelites. P.S. Jan 17 is my actual birthday actually. And today, my 8-day old new maid (after the one tt fucks banglas in my home) ran away. Like, seriously. She upped and left and this evening my post-birthday dinner with my parents involved driving down to the Indon Embassy to establish tt she's there. P.P.S. I notice tt my web-counter has REALLY jumped since I put up the birthday pics. Hmm...  P.P.P.S. As of last night I think I've met the guy tt I really really want to marry (that's right. *Marry*. Little Miss Independent will give up Independence for this one person only). Except tt I don't think we will ever be each other's type. *sigh* And tt geography will prob break us. *bigger sigh*  | |
21ST BIRTHDAY BASH For lack of a better title. This is just going to be a photolog with narrative since I'm really tired out from a full day of soccer matches and only 3 hours of sleep the night before. But YES, it was a lot of fun. Anyway let's start from Saturday morning. First I have swimming training at NUS SRC, where I finally learn how to plunge without doing the belly-flop like a baby walrus. And get my infamous post-swimming "panda eyes". Then my parents come fetch me from NUS SRC and bring me to collect my cake - a 5kg chocolate fudge cake from Lana Cake Shop. Third, we get home where I help my dad frantically do some last minute cleaning to make the house look presentable. Namely this means a massive sweeping effort for the patio garden and garage area. Fourth, we lay out all the tables and chairs and I frantically ask myself whether there are enough places for everyone etc., and in the meantime proceed to take sponge, cloth, Cif (the detergent formally known as 'Jif') and Kleenglass, and do a thorough wipe-down of all the chairs and tables on the patio. Fifth, dad and I rush off the run errands such as buy booze (for drinkers like Ian) and ice. It's 5pm when we get back. Chris decides to meet me at the bus stop coz my broisn't able to come for the party. And there he gives me my present, this gorgeous silver bracelet from Nouveau with my name engraved on it - or rather, the name he gives me "Issy" on it. And we chat for a while but it's so hard to catch up because I still have a lot of thigns to do and Junch and Yanli have apparently arrived and he has to rush off... And so it's back home. Junch and Yanli are there Junch has brought me this bottle of Spanish wine tt looks exquisite, and both he and Yanli are really dressed up. But I still haven't finished with cleaning and preparing!!! Argh. Okay, so I feel really bad but he and Yanli walk off to Venetia Gelare to get ice-cream while I hurriedly do what I can to get thigns in order... and the caterers come... And then my saving graces my cousins Jo and Dee arrive!!! Whoopee. First question I ask Jo: "What happened to your nose?" It's the question everyone asks her anyway. Gosh, I love you two so so so much!!! Anyway with them around to help I get time to go upstairs, bathe (finally) and change into tt vintage blue dress tt both me and Jane have. And uh... make my grand entrance? And it turns out tt the Shange, Jordan and Grace from OG 2 have arrived! And Grace looks absolutely lovely. OOH. First photo.
Yep, so tt's Shang, Grace, me and Jordan on my living room sofa. Family's also arrived by this time. My dad, who's told me repeatedly tt he hasn't invited anyone for my birthday, has invited 2 of my uncles (his brothers), my aunt (his sister-in-law), my *other* aunt from his church, 1 priest, another friend from his church, and uh... maybe one or 2 more people I can't remember. But anyway Jason, Zhaowei and Ian come not long after. I invited the Humanz people tt I still had the contact numbers of. Figured tt I cuold make my birthday party a Hwa Chong Humanz reunion as well. Oh, and Hsien called so I actually got a birthday wish from her... from halfway around the world too. :) There's a lot of rushing around (from what I remember most abt my party, it's A LOT of rushing around, playing the consummate hostess, ensuring everyone gets to the right circle, gets enough to drink [and eat], is not too bored [hopefully]... And all this time and all this while I'm so worried tt people won't come, or tt they'll get lost, or worse than tt, tt they will be *bored* and not enjoy themselves coz I can't spend too much time on any one group... So they pour in, the Hwa Chong Humanz people, the OG2 people, James and Debbie, the Home Team scholars... And of course, my teammates. :) Which prompted a parody of David's 'famous' prize-giving ceremony where he presents us with medals after our race. This time, Melissa my captain presents me with my present. (Which btw is a gorgeous card from the team tt I love(!!!) and a pair of black Roxy shorts/berms (my first ever from Roxy) with hot pink words). Picture #2 excuse. :)
... AND because I can, I am going to put up an extremely unglam shot tt Cindy took candidly. I look bad but... It's hilarious. I love it!!! Haha. :P
I LOVE MY GIRLS!!! :) In the meantime, there was dinner - with EXCELLENT FOOD according to everyone, and I gave people tours of my house and room in little and varied groups. To which the common question to me was: "With a room like this, WHY are you still staying in hall?" *evil grin* Oh, and my dad was the consummate host. He entertained my friends, smoked Cuban cigars, and made them rum appertifs. Johnny and Ivan were especially hooked and kept asking for more and more. Oh, and I gave Ian an Erdinger, but my pouring skills are still not up to standard. TMD. Okay, now to the cake-cutting part. Lovely cousin Jo taking the cake out of the box.
How my cake looks like (bet you're curious aren't you?) and what it says (courtesy of my mom):
Um. A candid shot courtesy of Dee my wonderful camerawoman. Natural photographer, her. She took a lot of photos for me. In fact, this entry will have over *40* so tt's def a lot!!! Arhaha.
Jo puts the candles on the cake (are you still curious as to the first question of why people keep asking her "What happened to your nose?"?):
Family pic #1: YES! You finally see my mom and my dad!!! :) My mom the fantastic cook and large-hearted woman, and my dad the charming charismatic 1st class bartender. :)
My 2nd uncle tries to pursuade David to sing my birthday song. Everyone sings it together in the end. I swear I am positively OVERWHELMED by the sheer number of eyes staring at me. It's really just... overwhelming. But anyway we blow out the candles and cut the cake. And here come to photos of the different groups. #1 (or #2): Me and mom and dad. Again (I know).
#2: Me and uh... Fr. Vincent. Yes, he is a priest. Yes, my father invited him. Yes, he said grace and gave me a blessing and I know tt a lot of people are hoping tt I'll go back to my faith and be a better Catholic (it's in most of the cards I've recieved)... But seriously... I think it's embarassing to be blessed in front of a whole bunch of people, half of whom are not even Catholic, on your birthday. I mean, it's not tt I think it's uncool, but... Well... BUT... Okay, I admit. I think it is ultimately supremely UNcool. Bleah.
#3: Me and the extended family. This includes my lovelies Jo and Dee. And my uncles, aunts, etc etc etc.
#4: MY TEAMMATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'Nuff said. But actually, my parents like them. My MOM likes them. She thinks they're all really really nice girls, down-to-earth, polite, helpful, everything. Gosh, she doesn't think a) tt they're dragonboaters; or b) tt they're lesbian. ARHAHA!!! She's been proved wrong!!! Arhahaha!!! #5: Law School!!! Includes OG2 (and David my G1), Eunice (both from A15 AND Law), James and Debbie. :) I love these guys and girls. They really make life in law bearable.
#6: Hwa Chong Humanz!!! The 01A15 and 01A15 (some of) reunion!!! :) Includes Eunice, Sam and Wanyi (from overlapping groups). Heh heh heh. And of course, my lovely Yanli and Junch. And Meifeng!!! Who braved a leg injury (burn) just to come down today. Gosh, she makes me feel so honoured. They all do. :)
#7: Shearites!!! Overlapping group of Wanyi and gorgeous Sam, Sheryl and Caleb who made time in their busy schedules (esp Sam, Zhengxi and Caleb and their SP Photoshoot) to come down and celebrate with me (thank you so much guys! Means so much to me!!!), and also Zhengxi and Adrian the pillow man.
#8: The Home Team Scholars. Haha. I rem when we went to celebrate Johnny's 21st birthday, and his dad yelled "POLICE SCHOLARS!" so loudly across the house you could hear him from half a block away. So paiseh. At least I just say "Home Team people". Less malu. HEH. Anyway it's Debiao, Kailin, Qicong, Ivan and Johnny. I hadn't seen them in ages coz we were all so busy!!! (okay, except Johnny Wonny). :)
#9: How can I forget? My two longest bestest closest friends in my whole whole life? Jo and Dee, my cousins. :) To whom I owe so much. Oh, and I hope the first question I mentioned before has been answered. Sorry dear, I don't know how to Photoshop so much. :(
It would have been even better had dearest Kai been around, but she'd left before the cake-cutting session. But I am so glad tt you came girl, and tt you brought Zaw too. :) Okay, more photos coming up. Guys/girls: if you want any photos from this page, let me know ASAP! :) First up, me and Caleb.
Thanks for coming man. And thanks for the present. And yes, I haven't had time to catch up with you for a long time. I'm def coming to support Funka.
Above is James and Debbie. James wrote me a beautiful card, and gosh he and Debbie have made life in Law School great for me! They have been great people, and I think in some way they have helped God draw me to him. :)
Above: Sam, Ian, Zhaowei and Jason. I met up with Sam on Thurs and boy is it great to see this guy again. He ALWAYS brings this big smile to my face coz he is such a Teddy Bear!!! Haha... Man I miss you guys. Good to see you... Even tho the attention was also divided between the party and Liverpool vs. ManU. Haha. And then there are The Girls (I don't know what to call this group yet). 3 are Lalalanders, me and Jane are... running khakis... 4 of us are clubbing khakis, bitching khakis, well... you get the drift... They wanted to do some 1,2,3,4,5 thingy, but they got me to sit in front... NOW I KNOW WHY!!!
*sticks tongue out* Sneaky bitches! Haha. :)
The Home Team revisited. These guys are great. And my DAD loves them, esp Debiao. And I still maintain tt Ivan has the nicest most heart-melting smile I've ever seen. Now, below is me and Wanyi, tt tall, slim gorgeous bit--.... :)
Now, me and Jane. My equally tanned khaki and person I miss for clubbing, bitching and even... running. (Although I still maintain tt I do not like running).
Me and Sam Shen!
Henry! Who vainly takes off his glasses before photo-taking! Arhaha.
OOH. Hot Lesbian pic. MMM. I like. :)
Me and Sheryl, Pageant girl and School Belle!!! :) And really nice girl.
Erm... Sprouting Indian fan?
Actually, I really like the above pic. Sometimes it pays to be short, right leewanyi?
Me and David my G1. Who's still so damn tall he still has to contort into a pretzel to be my height. Now... Moving on...
Okay, the above pic is of Qicong. As he was leaving with the Home Team, we were discussing what constitutued "smart casual" (coz everytime we have all these Ministry of Home Affair type affairs tt list the clothing as "smart casual" I always screw up in some way or other), and apparently Qicong fits the bill of "smart casual". How so? You ask.
YEP. And according to them *I* was also a "smart casual"-lite. Blue dress... with Pink Trail slippers.
But unfortunately Qicong didn't get the picture of the pink Trail slippers in, so TOO BAD, SO SAD. OOH. And another pic tt I LOVE!!! The stair pic!!! I LOVE this one!!!
And you know how amazing things can sometimes happen at parties? So how is this: your mom, who rarely EVER plays mahjong... IS PLAYING MAHJONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS???
Arhaha. Oh, and yes. Wanyi's darling (since the whole world already knows anyway).
And finally, OG2 pics. With Nick...
And then with Shang...
Do you see any difference??? Heh heh heh if you don't look again. :) So yep, tt's it for party photos... Want to know how many gifts I got? Front view:
Aerial view:
I got 2 pashmina shawls, 2 necklaces, 3 bracelets, a pink heart-shaped curtain/blind thingy, a Dilbert book, a Guess bag, a pair of Nike socks, adidas handphone pouch, a pig cardholder, a small photo frame, a cK Eternity Moment, a Woman eau de toilette, a pair of Roxy berms, an adidas tank, a purple top, photoframe (with photo) and White Musk set, a book on how to get to know Jesus better, an orange mouse and a pair of Havianas slippers, Ferrero Rocher chocolates, ang baos, cards... And as for toys (I love toys)...
I got an orange cushion thingy to rival my red pig from David, a teddy bear from Ivan, an absolutely exquisitely soft pink pig from Jo and Dee, and tt retarded monkey I was gushing about to Sam on Thurs!!! Gosh... I love them all. And yes, the customary retarded pose. With the retarded monkey.
... YEP. So tt's the end. That was my birthday party for you. I had a lot a lot a lot of fun. Even though it was really tiring, cleaning up was a fucking bitch, and I didn't sleep till 3am, which made waking up today at 7am for my soccer competition a real bloody bitch. But nonetheless, we drew 1, lost 2, and won 2, and henceforth SHEARES IS NUMBER *3* after TH and Eusoff!!! Absofuckinglutely fantastic and unbrinjalistic! :) Ooh. And my hallmates apparently found out tt tomorrow is my birthday, coz I got drenched with a whole tank of iced glucose water, including a whole bunch of cubes down my back and front tt got stuck in my sports bra!!! Brrr.... cold! But I loved everything. TEAM SHEARES: COME ON LAH!!! Am happy. Am very happy. :) | |
Ryan found out tt my 21st birthday party completely *clashes* with Law Bash, such tt my OG member Angeline (whose *also* The Hottest Girl In Law [official title from Law Camp] and a Pageant finalist, rightly so) is attending *my* party instead of Law Bash. Wahaha. And so, barely after Angie dear called me to warn me, he tried to phone me and get me to shift party venue to Newsroom Bar instead. But I was smart. I told him tt my party only comprised of dinner and later we would all go down for Law Bash at Newsroom Bar. Not even my birthday and I've already told a big big lie. OOPS. P.S. The Frying Pan smiled and said hi. I'm in heaven. Almost. | |
