absolutum dominium

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER THROW STONES

I've come home and I've read the fucking article. So I was wrong, the bitch has a name and it's Juliet Chan. Okay, nice. So she wasn't one of those anonnymous bored-out-of-her-mind people who complain for fun. In fact, I'm sure tt she must have found it incredibly magnanimous of herself and tt all S'poreans should bow down and worship her magnanimity in *gasp* exposing what she considers 'the truth' to the media and the PSC.

Wow. Thank you babe. You have just ruined someone's life.

I know I have a habit of taking things very personally, esp if they matter a hell lot to me. And even tho the guy in question is not a personal friend, the fact is tt I know him. I've known him for the year tt he was in my senior class, and I know him in the jokes he tells (or is made of), in the way he makes people laugh, in how fucking nice he is. This guy would never hurt a fly, even if it was of a man-eating variety and was about to chew off his arm.

I've read the papers, I've found links on various more widely read S'porean weblogs, and I've found the 'offending' paragraph, and HONESTLY I don't see what the big deal is. As far as I'm concerned I've probably said things to tt extent regarding my blatant disregard for PRCs. The paragraph was written in a joking manner, the way you talk to your friends about something. It might have been racist if you were the offended race (of course), but there was an expression of frustration and it was written in a *human* manner. Furthermore, the language cannot be taken out of context for the sheer simple reason tt his English is better than half of the S'poreans around. You might say 'ugly', and he would say 'irksome'. You would say 'cannot stand'. He would say 'repulsed'.

What's more, the password to his blog gets hacked. Wonderful. So let me look at it this way for you: You hack someone's personal blog's password, you pass it to everyone, you publish whatever he writes in there and have it passed around, and then you allow a whole nuch of self-righteous morons to come and jump on the bandwagon like a pack of starving hyenas.

Bloody-thirsty hyenas, all of you.

Don't sit there and tell me tt you've never said a hurtful word in your life. Don't tell me tt you've never said racist comments, never bitched about some girl being fat or some guy looking gay, don't tell me that you accept and tolerate all members of society regardless of race, religion, class, gender, looks and what-have-you. Don't tell me you're all fucking saints (coz I've read enough comments to know of annonymous commenters who slam him down and call themselves 'saint' and 'concerned indivudual'. What the fuck) because as far as I can see, you're just Pharisees. Go ahead, continue to pray to the Lord in front of the synagogues at the top of your voices, beat your breasts and tear at your hair, and have passers-by think to themselves how holy you are.

Throw the first stone at Magdelene for she is an adulteress and deserves to die. He who has no sin, should throw the first stone, now shouldn't he?

Wanyi babe, you're right. And I agree with you Sam. It's all jealousy. It's all jealousy just coz he's a scholar, and he's got the dream tt they could never have. Wanyi, in the URL you gave me there was this comment by this asshole 'J' who provided ALL of his personal details, including his photo, for the others to attack. WTF. J is annonymous (read:no balls), and more than tt the fact tt he has personal details means he *know* CZ, and possibly on a personal level. God, what a traitorous bastard. Makes me feel so sick to be of the same nationality as him. And there's some absolute loser who apparently applied to the civil service for *nine* fucking years straight and could never get a job. And then he concluded tt it was coz the system was inherently racist or something like tt. What a fucking sad sore deluded loser.

Let's face it. So the public service is the ticket to stability. Get a job, get a car, get a house (You know the 'Trainspotting' drill)...' etc. Civil service hands all tt to you on a silver platter. Just secure a scholarship at the end of JC and you're made for life.

And because this ticket to security is only handed to a select few, the rest are just sore bitter individuals. I guess it's coz sometimes it's hard to accept tt hey, YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

Scholars are not gods. Scholars are human. Some are deserving, and some are not. PSC chooses on results, CCA records and interviews. Sometimes the selection process goes wrong (coz we all acknowledge tt there are some people who don't deserve the damn scholarship at all), but I don't think itt's any basis to start a whole fucking witchhunt. What century do we live in, tt people are still so fucking narrow-minded?

You're going to crucify him just coz you're fucking green-eyed monsters. I'm so pissed actually. I shouldn't be taking this so personally but I think it's not just. I think these assholes should be punished in some way or other. It's sad tt at this point in time it's not illegal to ruin someone's life, such tt even if we could get them under the Misuse of Computers Act, there's not much we can do, esp for so many people. For now, we've just got to rely on karma to deal out the justice deserved, I guess.

Haha. I never thought I would say this, but if ever I do get to go to MinLaw, or if I ever have a hand in the making of Parliamentary bills, I would like to have some kind of legislation passed to make it illegal to ruin other people's lives. I don't know how I can do it yet, how it can be worded, what scope it will have, what effect it should have and what form it can take, but I would like to see it materialised.

The person who started this whole mess has apologised. But now that he's opened the floodgates, the 'sorry' rings hollow. It doesn't help anyone or anything. Detached observers wonder what is going to happen now. I'm worried too, but I hope tt PSC really is responsible and does not make a big issue out of this. I think it would be ridiculous for a public organisation to 'take serious action' on superficial comments made on what was supposed to be an entirely-personal medium, just to cater to the whims and fancies of the jealous, self-righteous, opportunistic, narow-minded, vicious and completely crass no-life individuals.

Anyway I think that Singapore Ink wrote a good article on this. So I'll just give you tt link at http://www.djourne.net/singaporeink/index.php/archives/2005/04/17/the-scholar-firing/. I will not divulge the rest.

I really really hope tt all will be well for him in the end. He doesn't deserve this.

P.S. Ironically, this event reminds me of something I did. I didn't crucify someone in this same way, but I did something without thinking and I blew something completely out of proportion. And for tt reason, I really meant it when I said tt I was sorry. And once again, tt 'sorry' rings hollow in light of all the damage done.

I guess only time can heal. If we pray for the best.

P.P.S. Shaun, because it's a too long to reply you on my tagboard...

NUS has a debate team??? Are you serious? Who's on it?

Anyway I don't know about coming back. To be honest, I miss debating. I miss discussing funny public policies and arguing with opponents and hurling intelligent insults all the while maintaining tt look of composure (and the polite smile). I miss feeling intelligent (ok. Don't kill me but dragonboating isn't exactly a mentally-stimulating activity. If I don't remind myself to keep being an intelligent thinking individual, my brains will wither away as my muscles grow), when we had the discussions and I used to read The Economist (for general knowledge, but also because I feel better knowing tt I know more about why this scheme or tt policy plan won't work and who's the President of what country).

But the thing is 1stly, I won't have much time. After the exams I'll be having intensive training leading up to my race in July. And I don't know when the Debating competition is. I'm leaving for Vancouver in mid-August too. 2ndly, the other thing tt I loved abt HC Debating was the company. Coz of Mark, Samuel, Shenglong and Tris. The outings, the suanning sessions, the total bitching watch-guys-bond-while-asserting-tt-they're-not-gay-even-though-they-could-pass-off-for-having-some-mass-orgy things... Tt's what made it fun for me. I don't think it'll be the same in NUS.

But tt said, I won't mind coming down and having a look after the exams, maybe if the sessions are in the afternoons and I have free time after my training. :)

Oh, and I like reading your blog. Coz I stopped subscribing to The Economist and it gives a good breakdown of what I would like to read more of. :)

All the best for your exams! Go for Dean's List!

"AMOR, NO ES AMOR"

I would like to be a musical old-fogey like Melissa who listens to a staple of Bread, 90.5 and '80s songs like "For the Glory of Love" and "Summer Rain" (Aha! Now I know why you like Zouk on Mambo nights!), but unfortunately I cannot be one.

BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS LIKE MY 'DISCO INFERNO' AND MY 'MILKSHAKE'!!! Bwahahahaha.

Anyway I kind of like the song "Obsession" by Frankie J feat Baby Bash, not to mention tt new J.Lo song feat Fat Joe "Hold You Down". I was watching their MTVs *while* typing out my notes 2 days ago in YIH. Maybe tt's another facet of the karma.

"Appreciate not the laptop tt He giveth for your acquisition of knowledge. and He will taketh away." Bwahaha.

Anyway I'm in a better mood tonight. Spent most part of the day feeling like crap. I guess tt was coz I'd slept around 5am last night trying to get started on redoing my notes, and this morning Id been worried about finishing everything I'd done thus far, and I needed to re-install my programmes and configure my LAN and wireless networks first.

But the upside about having to re-install everything is tt you end up downloading the latest versions of whatever programs you need.I have the latest version of MSN messenger. It's ok lah... But I can tweak around with personal messages on my contact card and display my music playlist from my iTunes to my MSN, so tt's erm... nice, I guess. Useless, but nice. Aesthetically-pleasing function, as always.

After having come back to hall to re-install my programmes, I took the laptop to the Comp Centre to reconfigure my networks less than an hour before they closed. Then I trooped over to YIH and upon having discovered tt it was so jam-packed with fellow mugger toads, I had to settle myself down in the SRC Conference Room instead.

But the upside: the girls were there.

Let me just get this straight for you. Today was not exactly a good day for me coz I was tired. It's not a bad day coz I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry about anyone or anything anymore, nor am I upset or unhappy about anyone or anything. I am not tt stressed (except about rushing my work), and I am not tt worried. I was just very very tired, like there was a burden on my shoulders and my mind couldn't work fast enough for the rest of myself and my eyes could barely keep themselves open.

But seeing the girls raises my bar at least one notch higher. If I were in the depths of hell, seeing them would redeem me by a notch or a level. If I were at the foot of a staircase in the darkness looking up at a light tt I couldn't reach, they would provide me the strength to climb at least 3 steps higher.

And there were waffles.

We had lunch @ YIH but I wasn't hungry at all. Just...no... appetite. And I'm sorry if I wasn't really good conversation. It's not tt I couldn't say anything; I know tt I could have had I made the effort. I was just really tired and I didn't want to take too much energy first.

Conference Room isn't very inducing for me. I just felt like sleeping. I would read the words off my screen and feel my eyelids droop. Nothing much went in. All I did was yawn and yawn and yawn. And haha... arrange my iTunes.

In the end around 4pm, Wenya, Melissa and I decided to try our luck at YIHJ again. So we went back up. I don't think I'm falling sick. I think I *am* sick. I was sneezing repeatedly like some elephant with a major allergic reaction (you have to hear me to believe it. It gives Melissa *laughing fits*), my throat was sore (and it became another inane source of amusement when she and I would compete at who could clear their throat more. Or rather, I *know* I was being the irritating one), and I sounded like a dying horse.

Anyway we managed to find 3 places at 1 table in YIH. But I must say this: YIH is FUCKING COLD!!! I think they're trying to kill us. Really. I think NUS is trying to freeze us to death. To make place for future students (probably of higher intellectual quality such tt they don't need to study so much and still do as well), NUS has decided to kill its students off by freezing their brains and bodies little by little such tt the damage is done but in an inobvious way. Bwahaha. Or they're just trying to torture us. I don't know, maybe to get us to pay higher school fees again?

Anyway I was freezing my ass off while trying to study. My jacket's not enough; the only time I felt ok (and I don't mean warm. I mean "status quo") was when I was wearing both my jacket as well as Melissa's IVP jacket. I need ski gloves for my poor frozen fingers.

Fell asleep at some point in time. Was *really* tired. And when I woke up I noticed tt the guy opposite Melissa had this habit of laughing continuously while looking intently at his laptop. Okay, I know I made a post about myself watching funny movies on my laptop and laughing like a nutcase in YIH, but I swear, AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK DERANGED.

You know how some guys stop taking care of their physical appreance at all when it comes to exam times, and they stop combing their hair and shaving? Okay, so now you have this guy who looks unkempt, unshaven, with this gleam in his eye, and you think tt he looks like one of those serial flashers tt they always show on Crimewatch. And tt he's watching porno or something (and tt's a consensus).

I felt most disturbed. Melissa and I ended up holding a pseudo-MSN conversation on my MS Word document, but she couldn't see my fonts so I increased them to '36', which probably defeats the efforts of an MS Word conversation coz everyone behind us can probably see the weird comments and "Meeps" and "Moos" written.

Okay okay. Meep.

I don't know abt happy, but I think I was certainly very high later today. Was laughing like a psychotic witch at anything and everything.

We joined the rest of the girls at Fusion's for dinner. My fried rice looked pale. I don't like pale food.

Digression: I don't like pale, period. I like being tan. I know tt the exams are totally turning me into a white chicken, but I console myself by telling myself tt this won't be the case come 3 weeks from now. And I know tt no matter what, white chicken or not, I shall never ever EVER be a clinging vine! Bwahaha. Coz I absotively posilutely DETEST clinging vines.

Anyway Mel and I came back to YIH for a while longer. They finally shut off the damn air-con for a while. Maybe to allow people to check for frostbite and to pick their frozen-off appendages off the floor. But it became SO quiet. Mel and I couldn't even whisper without incurring wrathful stares from other person (not grammarical error. Only one person kept turning back and glaring.). And I STILL don't see why academics and writers LOVE using huge 5-to-6 syllable words (half of which don't even exist, like 'peripheralization' and 'perpetuitious') just to make themselves look intelligent, knowing tt half their students can't understand half the HELL of what they're saying. Seriously, what's the point? Why incarcerate someone when you can just jail him?

We went back to SRC Conference Room after Meiping asked if we were coming back. And Mel said she wouldn't speak to me again just coz she asked me if she could pass off for a kid wearing the IVP jacket and I told her she was 'oversized', but obviously everytime I said something she would reply me, and THEN said "I'm not speaking to you." And whenever she laughs so hard, her eyeballs turn red. That's scary.

And we were just thinking of all the things we could do after the exams. There's tt tattoo... and I'll happily volunteer my services if you want a second opinion. And there's me re-learning how to ride a bike after 10 years (or 11), learning to blade, to ice-skate (there's an ice-skating rink at Kallang! If we're not dead yet and we can still walk reasonably straight after training we should go try! Besides I think it should be fairly empty so we can totally embarass ourselves)... I want to learn how to salsa dance! And yesh, I want to spend as much time with my parents and to meet up with my friends before I leave for UBC.

Oh, on an unrelated note: Mark told me he wanted to do his Masters at UBC. Totally coincedental!

Anyway I finished what I was supposed to do. I'm obviously behind schedule for my revision, but I recovered the content of my lost document, so I'm less stressed. I could go home and be with my parents tonight. I was supposed to stay in hall, but sometimes when I feel really stressed I just want to be with them. To not be alone.

Back to school after church tomorrow.

OBSESSION
- Frankie J feat Baby Bash

It's early in the morning
And my heart is feeling lonely
Just thinking 'bout you baby
Got me twisted in the head
And I don't know how to take it
But it's driving me so crazy
I don't know if it's right
I'm tossing turning in my bed
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I'm feeling hopeless in my home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love
Baby...

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Now, I know you're not my Lady
But I'm trying to make this right
Don't know what to do
I'm going out of my mind
So Baby if you let me
Kick it witchu then well maybe
We can ride together
We can do this all night
Now, I don't care if you got a man
Baby I'd wish you'd understand
Cuz I know he can't love you right,
Quite like I can
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I feeling hopeless at home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just and illusion
That I have in my heart

I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
It's obsession

[Baby Bash]
Hold Up, Let me Dream
Shorty got me feeling serene
you're my candy
You're my cream
Got your boy feeling supreme
Hold up, Wait a minute
Baby you so damn independent
Loving everything you representing
I got a lot of money and I love to spend it
And that's what's up,
And I don't care what people scream
Your my blessing when I'm stressing
My Superfly Beauty Queen
I'm a keep it saucy
Cuz my ma now how I do,
We gon rendez vous,
MI CORAZON BELONGS TO YOU

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor........

P.S. So many people tell me that they LOVE my background songs! Bwahaha. I'm so flattered. Heh.

1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You can never be stabilized; actually, you are not suitable for
marriage and you don't want to make committment.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.

THE HARSH REALITIES OF LIFE #1 (^ Infinity)

For everyone who's been telling me tt I'm going to get karma for being such a bitch, maybe karma's come to me today. Karma in the form of "never-get-a-HP-laptop-coz-it-fucks-you-in-the-ass-when-you-least-expect-it".

Okay. The ugly blog colour is due to my sheer state of upsetness. I am so upset I want to do something with my blog like change title to "Izzy is so screwed!" or some other unimaginative title along those lines, but I figured tt it wouldn't sound intelligent plus it would make me look like some Joo Chiat streetwalker, so I decided to continue torturing the eyesight of my faithful blog voyeurs (yes. I know more than half of you are blog-voyeurs. I'm too anti-social to have tt many concerned friends) instead.

Anyway for the uninformed, basically what happened is this morning when I turned on my comp in YIH, after tt start-up screen I hit this error page tt told me tt some essential file was missing and without it I couldn't start up Windows.

Now, why the HELL didn't I just heed Murphy's Law? I had the chance to back up my files, but I didn't. I could have emailed the files to my Gmail account, or hunted for my thumbdrive, but nooooooo. I decided to wait till I'd finished compiling the file before doing so, and I figured tt having completed more than 2/3 of the damn thing... it would be safe to wait, right?

So to cut a long story short, I went into panic-mode, then went into super-fucking-pissed-off mode (you have to understand tt if I didn't keep up the super-fucking-pissed-off mode, I would probably do something even worse like break down and cry, which besides being completely unglam also helps no one absolutely nothing). Didn't help tt the HP Centre in school has the most fucked-up operating hours - from 3.00pm to 5.30pm. WTF.

But I guess Mark was my saving grace. Was gonna meet him for lunch anyway, and I was pretty upset so I didn't know if meeting him was still a good idea coz I was worried tt he would end up getting the brunt of my frustrations. But in the end the food and the company cheered me up. We indulged at Pasta Cafe - I had fettucine with slipper lobster in a tomato cream sauce, plus calamari, bruschetta and peanut butter ice-cream from Venezia. Food makes me happy. Which obviously contributes nothing (positive) to my waistline, but at least I didn't feel like I was going to explode and have this recurring image of my guts splattering all over the walls or something.

Anyway since he's going back to Cambridge and he's not coming back in June and I'll be gone by August, this meeting was pretty worth it. Good to catch up on stuff. I'm almost amused by how some people can still be so bitter and affected by things tt happened a lifetime ago. To me, it's all just water under the bridge. Means nothing to me anymore.

You have to understand tt life is kind of short. And let's face it, shit happens. Even now. You can either choose to be affected by it every single day for the rest of your life and wallow in this "poor me poor me fuck the world!" type self-pity, or you can choose to pick yourself up and move on. Coz let's face it. You don't make anyone unhappy with your own behaviour except yourself. So why be unhappy when you can let things slide and be a happier person?

And I speak from personal experience. I used to be jaded, cynical blah blah blah. One of those really angry "fuck the world I'm alone and no one cares for me except me" type people. Sure, being cynical protects you from disappointment, hurt, pain etc because you never expect anything but the worst, so you rarely ever get disappointed. But at the same time you shut yourself out from the good things, and you numb yourself from feeling true happiness, true love, true feelings etc.

I realise tt I would rather be idealistic and trust and run the risk of being hurt, if it means tt I can feel more than just nothingness. Coz tt's what life's abt, ain't it?

So you just have to learn to let the bad things slide and keep the good. I think the human heart has a limited capacity. But it's best to keep it with what warms it.

Oh, and Mark says Shenglong says 'Hi' to me. Finally, 2 years after I first proclaimed tt Yeo Shenglong's the sexiest guy in Hwa Chong (this is going by the assumption tt the brain is the sexiest part of the human anatomy), he's divulged the news to me. HEH.. But I will admit (for those who don't know this yet), tt brilliance turns me on.

And I don't just mean intelligence or smartness. There are a lot of intelligent and smart people around. I mean brillance. Extraordinary intelligence and extraordinary eloquence. I love people who can impress me with articulation. That's why I love debating. And also why I proclaim myself a fan of people like Burton Ong, K.Lo and LCL. Because they're all extraordinarily brilliant men. I.e. If you can take my political persuasion and turn it on its head simply through logical argument, you've won me over. If you can make me laugh simply using dry British humour, all with a straight face, you've won me over. If you can expound a theory about and engage me in an argument about life, love, politics, religion etc that just challenges my intellect, you've won me over.

Anyway Mark got 2 shirts personalised at Arteris. He's so met tt I think he knows fashion better than I do. But it's just a personal policy. I don't shop at a) Zara b) Topshop and c) Mango for 3 reasons:
1. They're all fucking expensive.
2. Every S'porean girl I know shops at 1 or all 3 and I don't like dressing like the rest of the country
3. Their clothes are made for Slim Girls. I am not Slim.

So I came back to NUS to get the laptop reformatted. Couldn't save anything. Tried to study at Hon Sui Sen but I couldn't do anything. So I just collected my laptop and came home. Fortunately dinner with my parents has totally cheered me up. We had zhi cha at this place in Binjai Park. My father's kind of stressed coz of church politicking, and his good friend's son's wife's apparently left the poor guy coz he wasn't a 'high achiever'. HMM. I don't think tt's really a good enough reason to leave a marriage, but since we all don't know the whole story my dad has to play counsellor when the guy flies down from Brunei. Oh, and this guy is a lot richer than us.

Okay. I gotta get to re-doing my notes from scratch. Yes, I feel better now. Thanks for all the messages of concern. I was upset but I'll be fine. It's like getting kicked in the face while sparring. You can choose to quit or shake the stars from your vision and keep on fighting.

You know I never quit fighting. :)

P.S. Stolen off Jane's blog. This is from tt outing we had to Holland V to totally pig out.

Heyyyyy.... I *like* the glowy effect. So wannabe artistic. Ooh and I miss warm chocolate lava cake.

P.P.S. Taken off Wanyi's blog. You *finally* posted the pictures babe. This one's taken before tt last Phuture outing after my CMB Concert.

And this one's tt bitch-fest (one of them) in Wanyi's where I was most unglamly falling asleep amidst all the gossip.

I know tt my arm is a slab of meat... BUT LEEWANYI WHAT THE *HELL* WERE YOU DOING?

And for tt matter, what the hell was I doing letting you do what you were doing?

0_o

P.P.P.S. (I should stop with all these 'P.P.P.P.Ses thingies. P.S. means post script. So does P.P.P.S. mean post post post script?) Got this from Cindy. I like this pic. :) A lot. Bwahaha. Morning dew kinda look. And and and "Cindy Wabbit!!!"

And I'm prob going to get zhua-ed for putting unglam pics up, but... "Supawomen!" Muahaha (Psycho-motor problem).

The juniors. I like this one too. :) So nice and neat. (Okay, one of them's not really a junior... but shh. Pretend I said nothing.)

Walking away.

And the consensus: Everyone's fave photo.

Thank you Cindy babe! *muakz* Okay okay now REALLY back to mugging.

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month

This clock never seemed so alive

"Law students live in a comprehensive self-sufficient world. We are like the ice-kachang machine. Our grinding movement is like the case law and statutes. We can only be fed with case law and statutes (and not something totally out of this world like sausages, and at the end of the day all we have is ice-kachang."

Or how it's possible to give a politically-incorrect - hell, even a morally-mistaken answer. As long as we can back it up with comprehensive reasoning.

Like how we "shouldn't build a casino on Sentosa. Instead we propose to take all the gay people in Singapore and lock them up on Sentosa instead."

Of course, he'll still mark your paper, even though he might think tt you are not only morally mistaken, but also "not very well and possibly having had been abused by your parents."

Yepz. So tt was my tutorial. Collected my E&T test which I did the Monday morning after the race. Got a B for it, which is more than I deserve considering I relied solely on a stack of TYL notes, read no cases, read no articles, and did the whole damn paper in an hour or less.

WAFFLES

It seems like the whole world has garnered a sudden affection for waffles. So far everyone I know (inculding myself) has developed this craving for waffles. First it was just me and Melissa, and then I realise it's a team addiction; Ah Ping, YS, and even Wenya love waffles (altho some are contented with the YIH ones and some pref the Arts ones, and Cindy gets the Science ones). And then on Fri Johnny bought waffles also. And now Sam, Wanyi and Sheryl want waffles too.

We should all just have this waffle outing or something. Ooh. Gelare's is moving into Holland V. Jane and I saw them pack it in when we went out for dinner a few Sats ago! *exciting!* Gelare's waffles are half-price on Tues. And Swensen's has waffle n ice-cream for $6.50. It's not very cheap, but you can change your flavour of ice-cream from vanilla to peanut butter!!! To be honest I think the standard of YIH waffles has gone down. They used to be crispy! But now I haven't tasted a crispy waffle from there in ages. They're either soft, soft and cold, or sold out!!! wail* And I STILL haven't tried to Arts and Science waffles yet. Ooh but I think Uncle Vincent sells waffle at night. I wonder if he's still open for supper. HMM. At least I might have waffles in hall.

On a more disgusting note, my left big toe's been hurting since last Sun coz I ran for bloody 1.5 hours in shoes tt were new and unbroken. I realised belatedly tt it's coz my big toe nail is now half out of the cuticle. Kinda hurts. I've been limping around more. Anyway I asked Melissa and my mom what I was supposed to do with the damn nail, and the consensus was to clip it before I accidentally end up yanking the whole damn toe nail off. So I clipped it just now, and since then it's been leaking water and blood (mainly water, but it's a bit red-tinged, and a bit sticky) ever since.

I haven't the slightest idea why. Does this mean I can't run again today?

Eee-yuck. More oozing out. I wonder if this is water from an infection or my own plasma. HMM.

"THINK ABOUT THINKING OF YOU"

Stereophonics' 'Dakota' is to me, what Simply Red's 'Stars' is to Jule. An ear-worm. I can't stop replaying it over in my head, even when I'm not listening to it. I apologize to the people whose speakers totally blasted their ears away the moment they came to my blog, but I cannot help it. When a song takes me strongly as this, when it moves me, when it has the power to make me happy, excited or downright sad, I have to play it over and over and over again, to appreciate the feelings so much more.

I've seen the MTV. There's the requisite female/male story, but the girl in the song is one of those young sheltered innocent naive teens, blonde and waif-like oblivious to the world and enveloped in her own bright-eyed idealism. The kind of girl tt any guy could fall so easily in love with. And yet a tragic character in movies tt involves a transition through pain and self-awareness.

Somehow I think Kirsten Dunst would be the best actress to portray such a character. But tt's just a thought.

Anyway today was a strange day. I stayed at home today. My parents went to Malaysia to buy my mom's medication, so I stayed at home to watch house. I woke up at 12pm for the first in a long long time, and I bought my own lunch, and later I alternated between CICT and reading this book "Fast Food Nation". Funny how it is tt when your exams are coming, you suddenly go back to your pastime of reading. I always have at least 1 book at home (and in hall) that is completely untouched. Right now the one at home is "Fast Food Nation", while the one in hall is tt book "The Piano Teacher". Reading used to be my fave pastime. I would curl up on my bed and just read for hours and hours and hours.

Funny how it is tt I realise how much I need a day like this. I always say tt I am a task-oriented person. I need to be kept busy. I need to do things. I cannot fathom a day of doing nothing. To do nothing would be to feel unaccomplished, and to feel unaccomplished would be to waste one's time and therefore, one's life on earth. And being as it is tt life is not eternal, tt youth is not eternal and the amount of energy, idealism and perhaps even time tt I have now will not be this way forever, it would be criminal to let all this slip away.

But I guess maybe I need a break. Not a long one, but just a short one in between the busy periods, to just slow down a bit. To stop and appreciate things around me. To walk around my own home which I am rarely around and notice tt the flowers are blooming, tt our bougainvillea consists of 5 different colours of flowers, or tt the fish in the pond have multiplied. I never knew how much I could do with just this first week of no training.

Maybe it helps tt my parents weren't home in the afternoon. I had my own time, and unlike in hall, I had my own space. A lot of space. I fell asleep somewhere between 3 and 5pm. I guess I can't study at home because I always do tt.

My parents came home around 6pm. I was supposed to wait for them to return then go for a jog, but they'd bought dinner, and my father wanted to wash the car, so I helped him wash it and we had dinner early. My parents bought Swee Kee chicken rice from Senai in Malaysia. Swee Kee is this ex-Singapore chicken rice restaurant tt is damn famous for its chicken rice, but it closed down and moved back to Senai because of things like rising costs. Eating the chicken makes you understand just why it's so good. The rice is oily but fragrant and tasty; the chicken is soft and juicy, not to mention very meaty. They rear their own chickens, and this one is huge. The black sauce has an aroma and you actually taste the beans used to make it.

And I'm happy because I'm talking with my parents again. And it just puts this smile on my face. And they were discussing my exchange and when we would go and where we would go, and they want to go to Alaska and Iceland from Vancouver. I want to go to the States, visit Washington, NYC Seattle, and wherever else I may go...

And I love it when my dad goes run errands in his car, and he asks me if I want to follow. Even at 21 I happily agree, and he drives me around and he plays his Kenny Rogers and Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and James Deans. It brings back so many childhood memories. It's how the human body is conditioned. As a child you are a blank palette just waiting for people to come and impress on you the things, knowledge, scars, memories tt will carry you through to life. For the first 12 years of my life I grew up listening to nothing but my father's music, his country, his pop, his rock, his blues; such tt even now I have an emotional attachment to them, and to riding in his car. I can't drive. I haven't learnt to yet.

I'm content. I haven't done much studying today, I haven't run, and I know I've put on weight. I'm having an outbreak from the stress and I acknowlegde tt I'm still unhappy over certain things even now. But I'm content. I'm satisfied with the way things are right now, tt things seem to be falling into place (and even if they're not, tt they're not unmanageable). I've learnt to appreciate how blessed I am sometimes, how much bigger the world can be.

But the problem is tt the emptiness is hard to stave away sometimes. Sometimes you still feel very lonely, very unwanted. You know you are loved and valued and you have family, friends, God, you have people around you. But the naggy feeling doesn't always leave. Where are you? I'm not looking, but I'm wishing. It's so tiring to be strong all the time.

P.S. There are so many more things tt I want to say, but I've realised tt this blog may no longer be the kind of platform I wish to use it for anymore. Not tt I want to leave Xanga because it's the most idiot-proof interface I've ever used (compared to Blogspot and Blogdrive), but I'm censoring so much already, and the person it sits the least well with, is myself.

P.P.S. Jane babe. I forgot your blog address again. It's quite hard to remember. Think you can email it to me?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE ONE

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know where I'm going now. I want to run, I want to fly far far away, leave this place behind. I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm gonig to go.

But I know this: as long as you are with me, I will go with you.

DAKOTA
- Stereophonics

Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

************************************************

...Where are you?

Currently Playing Dakota, Pt. 1 By Stereophonics see related

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER THROW STONES

I've come home and I've read the fucking article. So I was wrong, the bitch has a name and it's Juliet Chan. Okay, nice. So she wasn't one of those anonnymous bored-out-of-her-mind people who complain for fun. In fact, I'm sure tt she must have found it incredibly magnanimous of herself and tt all S'poreans should bow down and worship her magnanimity in *gasp* exposing what she considers 'the truth' to the media and the PSC.

Wow. Thank you babe. You have just ruined someone's life.

I know I have a habit of taking things very personally, esp if they matter a hell lot to me. And even tho the guy in question is not a personal friend, the fact is tt I know him. I've known him for the year tt he was in my senior class, and I know him in the jokes he tells (or is made of), in the way he makes people laugh, in how fucking nice he is. This guy would never hurt a fly, even if it was of a man-eating variety and was about to chew off his arm.

I've read the papers, I've found links on various more widely read S'porean weblogs, and I've found the 'offending' paragraph, and HONESTLY I don't see what the big deal is. As far as I'm concerned I've probably said things to tt extent regarding my blatant disregard for PRCs. The paragraph was written in a joking manner, the way you talk to your friends about something. It might have been racist if you were the offended race (of course), but there was an expression of frustration and it was written in a *human* manner. Furthermore, the language cannot be taken out of context for the sheer simple reason tt his English is better than half of the S'poreans around. You might say 'ugly', and he would say 'irksome'. You would say 'cannot stand'. He would say 'repulsed'.

What's more, the password to his blog gets hacked. Wonderful. So let me look at it this way for you: You hack someone's personal blog's password, you pass it to everyone, you publish whatever he writes in there and have it passed around, and then you allow a whole nuch of self-righteous morons to come and jump on the bandwagon like a pack of starving hyenas.

Bloody-thirsty hyenas, all of you.

Don't sit there and tell me tt you've never said a hurtful word in your life. Don't tell me tt you've never said racist comments, never bitched about some girl being fat or some guy looking gay, don't tell me that you accept and tolerate all members of society regardless of race, religion, class, gender, looks and what-have-you. Don't tell me you're all fucking saints (coz I've read enough comments to know of annonymous commenters who slam him down and call themselves 'saint' and 'concerned indivudual'. What the fuck) because as far as I can see, you're just Pharisees. Go ahead, continue to pray to the Lord in front of the synagogues at the top of your voices, beat your breasts and tear at your hair, and have passers-by think to themselves how holy you are.

Throw the first stone at Magdelene for she is an adulteress and deserves to die. He who has no sin, should throw the first stone, now shouldn't he?

Wanyi babe, you're right. And I agree with you Sam. It's all jealousy. It's all jealousy just coz he's a scholar, and he's got the dream tt they could never have. Wanyi, in the URL you gave me there was this comment by this asshole 'J' who provided ALL of his personal details, including his photo, for the others to attack. WTF. J is annonymous (read:no balls), and more than tt the fact tt he has personal details means he *know* CZ, and possibly on a personal level. God, what a traitorous bastard. Makes me feel so sick to be of the same nationality as him. And there's some absolute loser who apparently applied to the civil service for *nine* fucking years straight and could never get a job. And then he concluded tt it was coz the system was inherently racist or something like tt. What a fucking sad sore deluded loser.

Let's face it. So the public service is the ticket to stability. Get a job, get a car, get a house (You know the 'Trainspotting' drill)...' etc. Civil service hands all tt to you on a silver platter. Just secure a scholarship at the end of JC and you're made for life.

And because this ticket to security is only handed to a select few, the rest are just sore bitter individuals. I guess it's coz sometimes it's hard to accept tt hey, YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

Scholars are not gods. Scholars are human. Some are deserving, and some are not. PSC chooses on results, CCA records and interviews. Sometimes the selection process goes wrong (coz we all acknowledge tt there are some people who don't deserve the damn scholarship at all), but I don't think itt's any basis to start a whole fucking witchhunt. What century do we live in, tt people are still so fucking narrow-minded?

You're going to crucify him just coz you're fucking green-eyed monsters. I'm so pissed actually. I shouldn't be taking this so personally but I think it's not just. I think these assholes should be punished in some way or other. It's sad tt at this point in time it's not illegal to ruin someone's life, such tt even if we could get them under the Misuse of Computers Act, there's not much we can do, esp for so many people. For now, we've just got to rely on karma to deal out the justice deserved, I guess.

Haha. I never thought I would say this, but if ever I do get to go to MinLaw, or if I ever have a hand in the making of Parliamentary bills, I would like to have some kind of legislation passed to make it illegal to ruin other people's lives. I don't know how I can do it yet, how it can be worded, what scope it will have, what effect it should have and what form it can take, but I would like to see it materialised.

The person who started this whole mess has apologised. But now that he's opened the floodgates, the 'sorry' rings hollow. It doesn't help anyone or anything. Detached observers wonder what is going to happen now. I'm worried too, but I hope tt PSC really is responsible and does not make a big issue out of this. I think it would be ridiculous for a public organisation to 'take serious action' on superficial comments made on what was supposed to be an entirely-personal medium, just to cater to the whims and fancies of the jealous, self-righteous, opportunistic, narow-minded, vicious and completely crass no-life individuals.

Anyway I think that Singapore Ink wrote a good article on this. So I'll just give you tt link at http://www.djourne.net/singaporeink/index.php/archives/2005/04/17/the-scholar-firing/. I will not divulge the rest.

I really really hope tt all will be well for him in the end. He doesn't deserve this.

P.S. Ironically, this event reminds me of something I did. I didn't crucify someone in this same way, but I did something without thinking and I blew something completely out of proportion. And for tt reason, I really meant it when I said tt I was sorry. And once again, tt 'sorry' rings hollow in light of all the damage done.

I guess only time can heal. If we pray for the best.

P.P.S. Shaun, because it's a too long to reply you on my tagboard...

NUS has a debate team??? Are you serious? Who's on it?

Anyway I don't know about coming back. To be honest, I miss debating. I miss discussing funny public policies and arguing with opponents and hurling intelligent insults all the while maintaining tt look of composure (and the polite smile). I miss feeling intelligent (ok. Don't kill me but dragonboating isn't exactly a mentally-stimulating activity. If I don't remind myself to keep being an intelligent thinking individual, my brains will wither away as my muscles grow), when we had the discussions and I used to read The Economist (for general knowledge, but also because I feel better knowing tt I know more about why this scheme or tt policy plan won't work and who's the President of what country).

But the thing is 1stly, I won't have much time. After the exams I'll be having intensive training leading up to my race in July. And I don't know when the Debating competition is. I'm leaving for Vancouver in mid-August too. 2ndly, the other thing tt I loved abt HC Debating was the company. Coz of Mark, Samuel, Shenglong and Tris. The outings, the suanning sessions, the total bitching watch-guys-bond-while-asserting-tt-they're-not-gay-even-though-they-could-pass-off-for-having-some-mass-orgy things... Tt's what made it fun for me. I don't think it'll be the same in NUS.

But tt said, I won't mind coming down and having a look after the exams, maybe if the sessions are in the afternoons and I have free time after my training. :)

Oh, and I like reading your blog. Coz I stopped subscribing to The Economist and it gives a good breakdown of what I would like to read more of. :)

All the best for your exams! Go for Dean's List!

"AMOR, NO ES AMOR"

I would like to be a musical old-fogey like Melissa who listens to a staple of Bread, 90.5 and '80s songs like "For the Glory of Love" and "Summer Rain" (Aha! Now I know why you like Zouk on Mambo nights!), but unfortunately I cannot be one.

BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS LIKE MY 'DISCO INFERNO' AND MY 'MILKSHAKE'!!! Bwahahahaha.

Anyway I kind of like the song "Obsession" by Frankie J feat Baby Bash, not to mention tt new J.Lo song feat Fat Joe "Hold You Down". I was watching their MTVs *while* typing out my notes 2 days ago in YIH. Maybe tt's another facet of the karma.

"Appreciate not the laptop tt He giveth for your acquisition of knowledge. and He will taketh away." Bwahaha.

Anyway I'm in a better mood tonight. Spent most part of the day feeling like crap. I guess tt was coz I'd slept around 5am last night trying to get started on redoing my notes, and this morning Id been worried about finishing everything I'd done thus far, and I needed to re-install my programmes and configure my LAN and wireless networks first.

But the upside about having to re-install everything is tt you end up downloading the latest versions of whatever programs you need.I have the latest version of MSN messenger. It's ok lah... But I can tweak around with personal messages on my contact card and display my music playlist from my iTunes to my MSN, so tt's erm... nice, I guess. Useless, but nice. Aesthetically-pleasing function, as always.

After having come back to hall to re-install my programmes, I took the laptop to the Comp Centre to reconfigure my networks less than an hour before they closed. Then I trooped over to YIH and upon having discovered tt it was so jam-packed with fellow mugger toads, I had to settle myself down in the SRC Conference Room instead.

But the upside: the girls were there.

Let me just get this straight for you. Today was not exactly a good day for me coz I was tired. It's not a bad day coz I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry about anyone or anything anymore, nor am I upset or unhappy about anyone or anything. I am not tt stressed (except about rushing my work), and I am not tt worried. I was just very very tired, like there was a burden on my shoulders and my mind couldn't work fast enough for the rest of myself and my eyes could barely keep themselves open.

But seeing the girls raises my bar at least one notch higher. If I were in the depths of hell, seeing them would redeem me by a notch or a level. If I were at the foot of a staircase in the darkness looking up at a light tt I couldn't reach, they would provide me the strength to climb at least 3 steps higher.

And there were waffles.

We had lunch @ YIH but I wasn't hungry at all. Just...no... appetite. And I'm sorry if I wasn't really good conversation. It's not tt I couldn't say anything; I know tt I could have had I made the effort. I was just really tired and I didn't want to take too much energy first.

Conference Room isn't very inducing for me. I just felt like sleeping. I would read the words off my screen and feel my eyelids droop. Nothing much went in. All I did was yawn and yawn and yawn. And haha... arrange my iTunes.

In the end around 4pm, Wenya, Melissa and I decided to try our luck at YIHJ again. So we went back up. I don't think I'm falling sick. I think I *am* sick. I was sneezing repeatedly like some elephant with a major allergic reaction (you have to hear me to believe it. It gives Melissa *laughing fits*), my throat was sore (and it became another inane source of amusement when she and I would compete at who could clear their throat more. Or rather, I *know* I was being the irritating one), and I sounded like a dying horse.

Anyway we managed to find 3 places at 1 table in YIH. But I must say this: YIH is FUCKING COLD!!! I think they're trying to kill us. Really. I think NUS is trying to freeze us to death. To make place for future students (probably of higher intellectual quality such tt they don't need to study so much and still do as well), NUS has decided to kill its students off by freezing their brains and bodies little by little such tt the damage is done but in an inobvious way. Bwahaha. Or they're just trying to torture us. I don't know, maybe to get us to pay higher school fees again?

Anyway I was freezing my ass off while trying to study. My jacket's not enough; the only time I felt ok (and I don't mean warm. I mean "status quo") was when I was wearing both my jacket as well as Melissa's IVP jacket. I need ski gloves for my poor frozen fingers.

Fell asleep at some point in time. Was *really* tired. And when I woke up I noticed tt the guy opposite Melissa had this habit of laughing continuously while looking intently at his laptop. Okay, I know I made a post about myself watching funny movies on my laptop and laughing like a nutcase in YIH, but I swear, AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK DERANGED.

You know how some guys stop taking care of their physical appreance at all when it comes to exam times, and they stop combing their hair and shaving? Okay, so now you have this guy who looks unkempt, unshaven, with this gleam in his eye, and you think tt he looks like one of those serial flashers tt they always show on Crimewatch. And tt he's watching porno or something (and tt's a consensus).

I felt most disturbed. Melissa and I ended up holding a pseudo-MSN conversation on my MS Word document, but she couldn't see my fonts so I increased them to '36', which probably defeats the efforts of an MS Word conversation coz everyone behind us can probably see the weird comments and "Meeps" and "Moos" written.

Okay okay. Meep.

I don't know abt happy, but I think I was certainly very high later today. Was laughing like a psychotic witch at anything and everything.

We joined the rest of the girls at Fusion's for dinner. My fried rice looked pale. I don't like pale food.

Digression: I don't like pale, period. I like being tan. I know tt the exams are totally turning me into a white chicken, but I console myself by telling myself tt this won't be the case come 3 weeks from now. And I know tt no matter what, white chicken or not, I shall never ever EVER be a clinging vine! Bwahaha. Coz I absotively posilutely DETEST clinging vines.

Anyway Mel and I came back to YIH for a while longer. They finally shut off the damn air-con for a while. Maybe to allow people to check for frostbite and to pick their frozen-off appendages off the floor. But it became SO quiet. Mel and I couldn't even whisper without incurring wrathful stares from other person (not grammarical error. Only one person kept turning back and glaring.). And I STILL don't see why academics and writers LOVE using huge 5-to-6 syllable words (half of which don't even exist, like 'peripheralization' and 'perpetuitious') just to make themselves look intelligent, knowing tt half their students can't understand half the HELL of what they're saying. Seriously, what's the point? Why incarcerate someone when you can just jail him?

We went back to SRC Conference Room after Meiping asked if we were coming back. And Mel said she wouldn't speak to me again just coz she asked me if she could pass off for a kid wearing the IVP jacket and I told her she was 'oversized', but obviously everytime I said something she would reply me, and THEN said "I'm not speaking to you." And whenever she laughs so hard, her eyeballs turn red. That's scary.

And we were just thinking of all the things we could do after the exams. There's tt tattoo... and I'll happily volunteer my services if you want a second opinion. And there's me re-learning how to ride a bike after 10 years (or 11), learning to blade, to ice-skate (there's an ice-skating rink at Kallang! If we're not dead yet and we can still walk reasonably straight after training we should go try! Besides I think it should be fairly empty so we can totally embarass ourselves)... I want to learn how to salsa dance! And yesh, I want to spend as much time with my parents and to meet up with my friends before I leave for UBC.

Oh, on an unrelated note: Mark told me he wanted to do his Masters at UBC. Totally coincedental!

Anyway I finished what I was supposed to do. I'm obviously behind schedule for my revision, but I recovered the content of my lost document, so I'm less stressed. I could go home and be with my parents tonight. I was supposed to stay in hall, but sometimes when I feel really stressed I just want to be with them. To not be alone.

Back to school after church tomorrow.

OBSESSION
- Frankie J feat Baby Bash

It's early in the morning
And my heart is feeling lonely
Just thinking 'bout you baby
Got me twisted in the head
And I don't know how to take it
But it's driving me so crazy
I don't know if it's right
I'm tossing turning in my bed
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I'm feeling hopeless in my home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love
Baby...

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Now, I know you're not my Lady
But I'm trying to make this right
Don't know what to do
I'm going out of my mind
So Baby if you let me
Kick it witchu then well maybe
We can ride together
We can do this all night
Now, I don't care if you got a man
Baby I'd wish you'd understand
Cuz I know he can't love you right,
Quite like I can
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I feeling hopeless at home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just and illusion
That I have in my heart

I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
It's obsession

[Baby Bash]
Hold Up, Let me Dream
Shorty got me feeling serene
you're my candy
You're my cream
Got your boy feeling supreme
Hold up, Wait a minute
Baby you so damn independent
Loving everything you representing
I got a lot of money and I love to spend it
And that's what's up,
And I don't care what people scream
Your my blessing when I'm stressing
My Superfly Beauty Queen
I'm a keep it saucy
Cuz my ma now how I do,
We gon rendez vous,
MI CORAZON BELONGS TO YOU

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor........

P.S. So many people tell me that they LOVE my background songs! Bwahaha. I'm so flattered. Heh.

1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You can never be stabilized; actually, you are not suitable for
marriage and you don't want to make committment.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.

THE HARSH REALITIES OF LIFE #1 (^ Infinity)

For everyone who's been telling me tt I'm going to get karma for being such a bitch, maybe karma's come to me today. Karma in the form of "never-get-a-HP-laptop-coz-it-fucks-you-in-the-ass-when-you-least-expect-it".

Okay. The ugly blog colour is due to my sheer state of upsetness. I am so upset I want to do something with my blog like change title to "Izzy is so screwed!" or some other unimaginative title along those lines, but I figured tt it wouldn't sound intelligent plus it would make me look like some Joo Chiat streetwalker, so I decided to continue torturing the eyesight of my faithful blog voyeurs (yes. I know more than half of you are blog-voyeurs. I'm too anti-social to have tt many concerned friends) instead.

Anyway for the uninformed, basically what happened is this morning when I turned on my comp in YIH, after tt start-up screen I hit this error page tt told me tt some essential file was missing and without it I couldn't start up Windows.

Now, why the HELL didn't I just heed Murphy's Law? I had the chance to back up my files, but I didn't. I could have emailed the files to my Gmail account, or hunted for my thumbdrive, but nooooooo. I decided to wait till I'd finished compiling the file before doing so, and I figured tt having completed more than 2/3 of the damn thing... it would be safe to wait, right?

So to cut a long story short, I went into panic-mode, then went into super-fucking-pissed-off mode (you have to understand tt if I didn't keep up the super-fucking-pissed-off mode, I would probably do something even worse like break down and cry, which besides being completely unglam also helps no one absolutely nothing). Didn't help tt the HP Centre in school has the most fucked-up operating hours - from 3.00pm to 5.30pm. WTF.

But I guess Mark was my saving grace. Was gonna meet him for lunch anyway, and I was pretty upset so I didn't know if meeting him was still a good idea coz I was worried tt he would end up getting the brunt of my frustrations. But in the end the food and the company cheered me up. We indulged at Pasta Cafe - I had fettucine with slipper lobster in a tomato cream sauce, plus calamari, bruschetta and peanut butter ice-cream from Venezia. Food makes me happy. Which obviously contributes nothing (positive) to my waistline, but at least I didn't feel like I was going to explode and have this recurring image of my guts splattering all over the walls or something.

Anyway since he's going back to Cambridge and he's not coming back in June and I'll be gone by August, this meeting was pretty worth it. Good to catch up on stuff. I'm almost amused by how some people can still be so bitter and affected by things tt happened a lifetime ago. To me, it's all just water under the bridge. Means nothing to me anymore.

You have to understand tt life is kind of short. And let's face it, shit happens. Even now. You can either choose to be affected by it every single day for the rest of your life and wallow in this "poor me poor me fuck the world!" type self-pity, or you can choose to pick yourself up and move on. Coz let's face it. You don't make anyone unhappy with your own behaviour except yourself. So why be unhappy when you can let things slide and be a happier person?

And I speak from personal experience. I used to be jaded, cynical blah blah blah. One of those really angry "fuck the world I'm alone and no one cares for me except me" type people. Sure, being cynical protects you from disappointment, hurt, pain etc because you never expect anything but the worst, so you rarely ever get disappointed. But at the same time you shut yourself out from the good things, and you numb yourself from feeling true happiness, true love, true feelings etc.

I realise tt I would rather be idealistic and trust and run the risk of being hurt, if it means tt I can feel more than just nothingness. Coz tt's what life's abt, ain't it?

So you just have to learn to let the bad things slide and keep the good. I think the human heart has a limited capacity. But it's best to keep it with what warms it.

Oh, and Mark says Shenglong says 'Hi' to me. Finally, 2 years after I first proclaimed tt Yeo Shenglong's the sexiest guy in Hwa Chong (this is going by the assumption tt the brain is the sexiest part of the human anatomy), he's divulged the news to me. HEH.. But I will admit (for those who don't know this yet), tt brilliance turns me on.

And I don't just mean intelligence or smartness. There are a lot of intelligent and smart people around. I mean brillance. Extraordinary intelligence and extraordinary eloquence. I love people who can impress me with articulation. That's why I love debating. And also why I proclaim myself a fan of people like Burton Ong, K.Lo and LCL. Because they're all extraordinarily brilliant men. I.e. If you can take my political persuasion and turn it on its head simply through logical argument, you've won me over. If you can make me laugh simply using dry British humour, all with a straight face, you've won me over. If you can expound a theory about and engage me in an argument about life, love, politics, religion etc that just challenges my intellect, you've won me over.

Anyway Mark got 2 shirts personalised at Arteris. He's so met tt I think he knows fashion better than I do. But it's just a personal policy. I don't shop at a) Zara b) Topshop and c) Mango for 3 reasons:
1. They're all fucking expensive.
2. Every S'porean girl I know shops at 1 or all 3 and I don't like dressing like the rest of the country
3. Their clothes are made for Slim Girls. I am not Slim.

So I came back to NUS to get the laptop reformatted. Couldn't save anything. Tried to study at Hon Sui Sen but I couldn't do anything. So I just collected my laptop and came home. Fortunately dinner with my parents has totally cheered me up. We had zhi cha at this place in Binjai Park. My father's kind of stressed coz of church politicking, and his good friend's son's wife's apparently left the poor guy coz he wasn't a 'high achiever'. HMM. I don't think tt's really a good enough reason to leave a marriage, but since we all don't know the whole story my dad has to play counsellor when the guy flies down from Brunei. Oh, and this guy is a lot richer than us.

Okay. I gotta get to re-doing my notes from scratch. Yes, I feel better now. Thanks for all the messages of concern. I was upset but I'll be fine. It's like getting kicked in the face while sparring. You can choose to quit or shake the stars from your vision and keep on fighting.

You know I never quit fighting. :)

P.S. Stolen off Jane's blog. This is from tt outing we had to Holland V to totally pig out.

Heyyyyy.... I *like* the glowy effect. So wannabe artistic. Ooh and I miss warm chocolate lava cake.

P.P.S. Taken off Wanyi's blog. You *finally* posted the pictures babe. This one's taken before tt last Phuture outing after my CMB Concert.

And this one's tt bitch-fest (one of them) in Wanyi's where I was most unglamly falling asleep amidst all the gossip.

I know tt my arm is a slab of meat... BUT LEEWANYI WHAT THE *HELL* WERE YOU DOING?

And for tt matter, what the hell was I doing letting you do what you were doing?

0_o

P.P.P.S. (I should stop with all these 'P.P.P.P.Ses thingies. P.S. means post script. So does P.P.P.S. mean post post post script?) Got this from Cindy. I like this pic. :) A lot. Bwahaha. Morning dew kinda look. And and and "Cindy Wabbit!!!"

And I'm prob going to get zhua-ed for putting unglam pics up, but... "Supawomen!" Muahaha (Psycho-motor problem).

The juniors. I like this one too. :) So nice and neat. (Okay, one of them's not really a junior... but shh. Pretend I said nothing.)

Walking away.

And the consensus: Everyone's fave photo.

Thank you Cindy babe! *muakz* Okay okay now REALLY back to mugging.

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month

This clock never seemed so alive

"Law students live in a comprehensive self-sufficient world. We are like the ice-kachang machine. Our grinding movement is like the case law and statutes. We can only be fed with case law and statutes (and not something totally out of this world like sausages, and at the end of the day all we have is ice-kachang."

Or how it's possible to give a politically-incorrect - hell, even a morally-mistaken answer. As long as we can back it up with comprehensive reasoning.

Like how we "shouldn't build a casino on Sentosa. Instead we propose to take all the gay people in Singapore and lock them up on Sentosa instead."

Of course, he'll still mark your paper, even though he might think tt you are not only morally mistaken, but also "not very well and possibly having had been abused by your parents."

Yepz. So tt was my tutorial. Collected my E&T test which I did the Monday morning after the race. Got a B for it, which is more than I deserve considering I relied solely on a stack of TYL notes, read no cases, read no articles, and did the whole damn paper in an hour or less.

WAFFLES

It seems like the whole world has garnered a sudden affection for waffles. So far everyone I know (inculding myself) has developed this craving for waffles. First it was just me and Melissa, and then I realise it's a team addiction; Ah Ping, YS, and even Wenya love waffles (altho some are contented with the YIH ones and some pref the Arts ones, and Cindy gets the Science ones). And then on Fri Johnny bought waffles also. And now Sam, Wanyi and Sheryl want waffles too.

We should all just have this waffle outing or something. Ooh. Gelare's is moving into Holland V. Jane and I saw them pack it in when we went out for dinner a few Sats ago! *exciting!* Gelare's waffles are half-price on Tues. And Swensen's has waffle n ice-cream for $6.50. It's not very cheap, but you can change your flavour of ice-cream from vanilla to peanut butter!!! To be honest I think the standard of YIH waffles has gone down. They used to be crispy! But now I haven't tasted a crispy waffle from there in ages. They're either soft, soft and cold, or sold out!!! wail* And I STILL haven't tried to Arts and Science waffles yet. Ooh but I think Uncle Vincent sells waffle at night. I wonder if he's still open for supper. HMM. At least I might have waffles in hall.

On a more disgusting note, my left big toe's been hurting since last Sun coz I ran for bloody 1.5 hours in shoes tt were new and unbroken. I realised belatedly tt it's coz my big toe nail is now half out of the cuticle. Kinda hurts. I've been limping around more. Anyway I asked Melissa and my mom what I was supposed to do with the damn nail, and the consensus was to clip it before I accidentally end up yanking the whole damn toe nail off. So I clipped it just now, and since then it's been leaking water and blood (mainly water, but it's a bit red-tinged, and a bit sticky) ever since.

I haven't the slightest idea why. Does this mean I can't run again today?

Eee-yuck. More oozing out. I wonder if this is water from an infection or my own plasma. HMM.

"THINK ABOUT THINKING OF YOU"

Stereophonics' 'Dakota' is to me, what Simply Red's 'Stars' is to Jule. An ear-worm. I can't stop replaying it over in my head, even when I'm not listening to it. I apologize to the people whose speakers totally blasted their ears away the moment they came to my blog, but I cannot help it. When a song takes me strongly as this, when it moves me, when it has the power to make me happy, excited or downright sad, I have to play it over and over and over again, to appreciate the feelings so much more.

I've seen the MTV. There's the requisite female/male story, but the girl in the song is one of those young sheltered innocent naive teens, blonde and waif-like oblivious to the world and enveloped in her own bright-eyed idealism. The kind of girl tt any guy could fall so easily in love with. And yet a tragic character in movies tt involves a transition through pain and self-awareness.

Somehow I think Kirsten Dunst would be the best actress to portray such a character. But tt's just a thought.

Anyway today was a strange day. I stayed at home today. My parents went to Malaysia to buy my mom's medication, so I stayed at home to watch house. I woke up at 12pm for the first in a long long time, and I bought my own lunch, and later I alternated between CICT and reading this book "Fast Food Nation". Funny how it is tt when your exams are coming, you suddenly go back to your pastime of reading. I always have at least 1 book at home (and in hall) that is completely untouched. Right now the one at home is "Fast Food Nation", while the one in hall is tt book "The Piano Teacher". Reading used to be my fave pastime. I would curl up on my bed and just read for hours and hours and hours.

Funny how it is tt I realise how much I need a day like this. I always say tt I am a task-oriented person. I need to be kept busy. I need to do things. I cannot fathom a day of doing nothing. To do nothing would be to feel unaccomplished, and to feel unaccomplished would be to waste one's time and therefore, one's life on earth. And being as it is tt life is not eternal, tt youth is not eternal and the amount of energy, idealism and perhaps even time tt I have now will not be this way forever, it would be criminal to let all this slip away.

But I guess maybe I need a break. Not a long one, but just a short one in between the busy periods, to just slow down a bit. To stop and appreciate things around me. To walk around my own home which I am rarely around and notice tt the flowers are blooming, tt our bougainvillea consists of 5 different colours of flowers, or tt the fish in the pond have multiplied. I never knew how much I could do with just this first week of no training.

Maybe it helps tt my parents weren't home in the afternoon. I had my own time, and unlike in hall, I had my own space. A lot of space. I fell asleep somewhere between 3 and 5pm. I guess I can't study at home because I always do tt.

My parents came home around 6pm. I was supposed to wait for them to return then go for a jog, but they'd bought dinner, and my father wanted to wash the car, so I helped him wash it and we had dinner early. My parents bought Swee Kee chicken rice from Senai in Malaysia. Swee Kee is this ex-Singapore chicken rice restaurant tt is damn famous for its chicken rice, but it closed down and moved back to Senai because of things like rising costs. Eating the chicken makes you understand just why it's so good. The rice is oily but fragrant and tasty; the chicken is soft and juicy, not to mention very meaty. They rear their own chickens, and this one is huge. The black sauce has an aroma and you actually taste the beans used to make it.

And I'm happy because I'm talking with my parents again. And it just puts this smile on my face. And they were discussing my exchange and when we would go and where we would go, and they want to go to Alaska and Iceland from Vancouver. I want to go to the States, visit Washington, NYC Seattle, and wherever else I may go...

And I love it when my dad goes run errands in his car, and he asks me if I want to follow. Even at 21 I happily agree, and he drives me around and he plays his Kenny Rogers and Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and James Deans. It brings back so many childhood memories. It's how the human body is conditioned. As a child you are a blank palette just waiting for people to come and impress on you the things, knowledge, scars, memories tt will carry you through to life. For the first 12 years of my life I grew up listening to nothing but my father's music, his country, his pop, his rock, his blues; such tt even now I have an emotional attachment to them, and to riding in his car. I can't drive. I haven't learnt to yet.

I'm content. I haven't done much studying today, I haven't run, and I know I've put on weight. I'm having an outbreak from the stress and I acknowlegde tt I'm still unhappy over certain things even now. But I'm content. I'm satisfied with the way things are right now, tt things seem to be falling into place (and even if they're not, tt they're not unmanageable). I've learnt to appreciate how blessed I am sometimes, how much bigger the world can be.

But the problem is tt the emptiness is hard to stave away sometimes. Sometimes you still feel very lonely, very unwanted. You know you are loved and valued and you have family, friends, God, you have people around you. But the naggy feeling doesn't always leave. Where are you? I'm not looking, but I'm wishing. It's so tiring to be strong all the time.

P.S. There are so many more things tt I want to say, but I've realised tt this blog may no longer be the kind of platform I wish to use it for anymore. Not tt I want to leave Xanga because it's the most idiot-proof interface I've ever used (compared to Blogspot and Blogdrive), but I'm censoring so much already, and the person it sits the least well with, is myself.

P.P.S. Jane babe. I forgot your blog address again. It's quite hard to remember. Think you can email it to me?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE ONE

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know where I'm going now. I want to run, I want to fly far far away, leave this place behind. I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm gonig to go.

But I know this: as long as you are with me, I will go with you.

DAKOTA
- Stereophonics

Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

************************************************

...Where are you?

Currently Playing Dakota, Pt. 1 By Stereophonics see related

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NEVER THROW STONES

I've come home and I've read the fucking article. So I was wrong, the bitch has a name and it's Juliet Chan. Okay, nice. So she wasn't one of those anonnymous bored-out-of-her-mind people who complain for fun. In fact, I'm sure tt she must have found it incredibly magnanimous of herself and tt all S'poreans should bow down and worship her magnanimity in *gasp* exposing what she considers 'the truth' to the media and the PSC.

Wow. Thank you babe. You have just ruined someone's life.

I know I have a habit of taking things very personally, esp if they matter a hell lot to me. And even tho the guy in question is not a personal friend, the fact is tt I know him. I've known him for the year tt he was in my senior class, and I know him in the jokes he tells (or is made of), in the way he makes people laugh, in how fucking nice he is. This guy would never hurt a fly, even if it was of a man-eating variety and was about to chew off his arm.

I've read the papers, I've found links on various more widely read S'porean weblogs, and I've found the 'offending' paragraph, and HONESTLY I don't see what the big deal is. As far as I'm concerned I've probably said things to tt extent regarding my blatant disregard for PRCs. The paragraph was written in a joking manner, the way you talk to your friends about something. It might have been racist if you were the offended race (of course), but there was an expression of frustration and it was written in a *human* manner. Furthermore, the language cannot be taken out of context for the sheer simple reason tt his English is better than half of the S'poreans around. You might say 'ugly', and he would say 'irksome'. You would say 'cannot stand'. He would say 'repulsed'.

What's more, the password to his blog gets hacked. Wonderful. So let me look at it this way for you: You hack someone's personal blog's password, you pass it to everyone, you publish whatever he writes in there and have it passed around, and then you allow a whole nuch of self-righteous morons to come and jump on the bandwagon like a pack of starving hyenas.

Bloody-thirsty hyenas, all of you.

Don't sit there and tell me tt you've never said a hurtful word in your life. Don't tell me tt you've never said racist comments, never bitched about some girl being fat or some guy looking gay, don't tell me that you accept and tolerate all members of society regardless of race, religion, class, gender, looks and what-have-you. Don't tell me you're all fucking saints (coz I've read enough comments to know of annonymous commenters who slam him down and call themselves 'saint' and 'concerned indivudual'. What the fuck) because as far as I can see, you're just Pharisees. Go ahead, continue to pray to the Lord in front of the synagogues at the top of your voices, beat your breasts and tear at your hair, and have passers-by think to themselves how holy you are.

Throw the first stone at Magdelene for she is an adulteress and deserves to die. He who has no sin, should throw the first stone, now shouldn't he?

Wanyi babe, you're right. And I agree with you Sam. It's all jealousy. It's all jealousy just coz he's a scholar, and he's got the dream tt they could never have. Wanyi, in the URL you gave me there was this comment by this asshole 'J' who provided ALL of his personal details, including his photo, for the others to attack. WTF. J is annonymous (read:no balls), and more than tt the fact tt he has personal details means he *know* CZ, and possibly on a personal level. God, what a traitorous bastard. Makes me feel so sick to be of the same nationality as him. And there's some absolute loser who apparently applied to the civil service for *nine* fucking years straight and could never get a job. And then he concluded tt it was coz the system was inherently racist or something like tt. What a fucking sad sore deluded loser.

Let's face it. So the public service is the ticket to stability. Get a job, get a car, get a house (You know the 'Trainspotting' drill)...' etc. Civil service hands all tt to you on a silver platter. Just secure a scholarship at the end of JC and you're made for life.

And because this ticket to security is only handed to a select few, the rest are just sore bitter individuals. I guess it's coz sometimes it's hard to accept tt hey, YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

Scholars are not gods. Scholars are human. Some are deserving, and some are not. PSC chooses on results, CCA records and interviews. Sometimes the selection process goes wrong (coz we all acknowledge tt there are some people who don't deserve the damn scholarship at all), but I don't think itt's any basis to start a whole fucking witchhunt. What century do we live in, tt people are still so fucking narrow-minded?

You're going to crucify him just coz you're fucking green-eyed monsters. I'm so pissed actually. I shouldn't be taking this so personally but I think it's not just. I think these assholes should be punished in some way or other. It's sad tt at this point in time it's not illegal to ruin someone's life, such tt even if we could get them under the Misuse of Computers Act, there's not much we can do, esp for so many people. For now, we've just got to rely on karma to deal out the justice deserved, I guess.

Haha. I never thought I would say this, but if ever I do get to go to MinLaw, or if I ever have a hand in the making of Parliamentary bills, I would like to have some kind of legislation passed to make it illegal to ruin other people's lives. I don't know how I can do it yet, how it can be worded, what scope it will have, what effect it should have and what form it can take, but I would like to see it materialised.

The person who started this whole mess has apologised. But now that he's opened the floodgates, the 'sorry' rings hollow. It doesn't help anyone or anything. Detached observers wonder what is going to happen now. I'm worried too, but I hope tt PSC really is responsible and does not make a big issue out of this. I think it would be ridiculous for a public organisation to 'take serious action' on superficial comments made on what was supposed to be an entirely-personal medium, just to cater to the whims and fancies of the jealous, self-righteous, opportunistic, narow-minded, vicious and completely crass no-life individuals.

Anyway I think that Singapore Ink wrote a good article on this. So I'll just give you tt link at http://www.djourne.net/singaporeink/index.php/archives/2005/04/17/the-scholar-firing/. I will not divulge the rest.

I really really hope tt all will be well for him in the end. He doesn't deserve this.

P.S. Ironically, this event reminds me of something I did. I didn't crucify someone in this same way, but I did something without thinking and I blew something completely out of proportion. And for tt reason, I really meant it when I said tt I was sorry. And once again, tt 'sorry' rings hollow in light of all the damage done.

I guess only time can heal. If we pray for the best.

P.P.S. Shaun, because it's a too long to reply you on my tagboard...

NUS has a debate team??? Are you serious? Who's on it?

Anyway I don't know about coming back. To be honest, I miss debating. I miss discussing funny public policies and arguing with opponents and hurling intelligent insults all the while maintaining tt look of composure (and the polite smile). I miss feeling intelligent (ok. Don't kill me but dragonboating isn't exactly a mentally-stimulating activity. If I don't remind myself to keep being an intelligent thinking individual, my brains will wither away as my muscles grow), when we had the discussions and I used to read The Economist (for general knowledge, but also because I feel better knowing tt I know more about why this scheme or tt policy plan won't work and who's the President of what country).

But the thing is 1stly, I won't have much time. After the exams I'll be having intensive training leading up to my race in July. And I don't know when the Debating competition is. I'm leaving for Vancouver in mid-August too. 2ndly, the other thing tt I loved abt HC Debating was the company. Coz of Mark, Samuel, Shenglong and Tris. The outings, the suanning sessions, the total bitching watch-guys-bond-while-asserting-tt-they're-not-gay-even-though-they-could-pass-off-for-having-some-mass-orgy things... Tt's what made it fun for me. I don't think it'll be the same in NUS.

But tt said, I won't mind coming down and having a look after the exams, maybe if the sessions are in the afternoons and I have free time after my training. :)

Oh, and I like reading your blog. Coz I stopped subscribing to The Economist and it gives a good breakdown of what I would like to read more of. :)

All the best for your exams! Go for Dean's List!

"AMOR, NO ES AMOR"

I would like to be a musical old-fogey like Melissa who listens to a staple of Bread, 90.5 and '80s songs like "For the Glory of Love" and "Summer Rain" (Aha! Now I know why you like Zouk on Mambo nights!), but unfortunately I cannot be one.

BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS LIKE MY 'DISCO INFERNO' AND MY 'MILKSHAKE'!!! Bwahahahaha.

Anyway I kind of like the song "Obsession" by Frankie J feat Baby Bash, not to mention tt new J.Lo song feat Fat Joe "Hold You Down". I was watching their MTVs *while* typing out my notes 2 days ago in YIH. Maybe tt's another facet of the karma.

"Appreciate not the laptop tt He giveth for your acquisition of knowledge. and He will taketh away." Bwahaha.

Anyway I'm in a better mood tonight. Spent most part of the day feeling like crap. I guess tt was coz I'd slept around 5am last night trying to get started on redoing my notes, and this morning Id been worried about finishing everything I'd done thus far, and I needed to re-install my programmes and configure my LAN and wireless networks first.

But the upside about having to re-install everything is tt you end up downloading the latest versions of whatever programs you need.I have the latest version of MSN messenger. It's ok lah... But I can tweak around with personal messages on my contact card and display my music playlist from my iTunes to my MSN, so tt's erm... nice, I guess. Useless, but nice. Aesthetically-pleasing function, as always.

After having come back to hall to re-install my programmes, I took the laptop to the Comp Centre to reconfigure my networks less than an hour before they closed. Then I trooped over to YIH and upon having discovered tt it was so jam-packed with fellow mugger toads, I had to settle myself down in the SRC Conference Room instead.

But the upside: the girls were there.

Let me just get this straight for you. Today was not exactly a good day for me coz I was tired. It's not a bad day coz I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry about anyone or anything anymore, nor am I upset or unhappy about anyone or anything. I am not tt stressed (except about rushing my work), and I am not tt worried. I was just very very tired, like there was a burden on my shoulders and my mind couldn't work fast enough for the rest of myself and my eyes could barely keep themselves open.

But seeing the girls raises my bar at least one notch higher. If I were in the depths of hell, seeing them would redeem me by a notch or a level. If I were at the foot of a staircase in the darkness looking up at a light tt I couldn't reach, they would provide me the strength to climb at least 3 steps higher.

And there were waffles.

We had lunch @ YIH but I wasn't hungry at all. Just...no... appetite. And I'm sorry if I wasn't really good conversation. It's not tt I couldn't say anything; I know tt I could have had I made the effort. I was just really tired and I didn't want to take too much energy first.

Conference Room isn't very inducing for me. I just felt like sleeping. I would read the words off my screen and feel my eyelids droop. Nothing much went in. All I did was yawn and yawn and yawn. And haha... arrange my iTunes.

In the end around 4pm, Wenya, Melissa and I decided to try our luck at YIHJ again. So we went back up. I don't think I'm falling sick. I think I *am* sick. I was sneezing repeatedly like some elephant with a major allergic reaction (you have to hear me to believe it. It gives Melissa *laughing fits*), my throat was sore (and it became another inane source of amusement when she and I would compete at who could clear their throat more. Or rather, I *know* I was being the irritating one), and I sounded like a dying horse.

Anyway we managed to find 3 places at 1 table in YIH. But I must say this: YIH is FUCKING COLD!!! I think they're trying to kill us. Really. I think NUS is trying to freeze us to death. To make place for future students (probably of higher intellectual quality such tt they don't need to study so much and still do as well), NUS has decided to kill its students off by freezing their brains and bodies little by little such tt the damage is done but in an inobvious way. Bwahaha. Or they're just trying to torture us. I don't know, maybe to get us to pay higher school fees again?

Anyway I was freezing my ass off while trying to study. My jacket's not enough; the only time I felt ok (and I don't mean warm. I mean "status quo") was when I was wearing both my jacket as well as Melissa's IVP jacket. I need ski gloves for my poor frozen fingers.

Fell asleep at some point in time. Was *really* tired. And when I woke up I noticed tt the guy opposite Melissa had this habit of laughing continuously while looking intently at his laptop. Okay, I know I made a post about myself watching funny movies on my laptop and laughing like a nutcase in YIH, but I swear, AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK DERANGED.

You know how some guys stop taking care of their physical appreance at all when it comes to exam times, and they stop combing their hair and shaving? Okay, so now you have this guy who looks unkempt, unshaven, with this gleam in his eye, and you think tt he looks like one of those serial flashers tt they always show on Crimewatch. And tt he's watching porno or something (and tt's a consensus).

I felt most disturbed. Melissa and I ended up holding a pseudo-MSN conversation on my MS Word document, but she couldn't see my fonts so I increased them to '36', which probably defeats the efforts of an MS Word conversation coz everyone behind us can probably see the weird comments and "Meeps" and "Moos" written.

Okay okay. Meep.

I don't know abt happy, but I think I was certainly very high later today. Was laughing like a psychotic witch at anything and everything.

We joined the rest of the girls at Fusion's for dinner. My fried rice looked pale. I don't like pale food.

Digression: I don't like pale, period. I like being tan. I know tt the exams are totally turning me into a white chicken, but I console myself by telling myself tt this won't be the case come 3 weeks from now. And I know tt no matter what, white chicken or not, I shall never ever EVER be a clinging vine! Bwahaha. Coz I absotively posilutely DETEST clinging vines.

Anyway Mel and I came back to YIH for a while longer. They finally shut off the damn air-con for a while. Maybe to allow people to check for frostbite and to pick their frozen-off appendages off the floor. But it became SO quiet. Mel and I couldn't even whisper without incurring wrathful stares from other person (not grammarical error. Only one person kept turning back and glaring.). And I STILL don't see why academics and writers LOVE using huge 5-to-6 syllable words (half of which don't even exist, like 'peripheralization' and 'perpetuitious') just to make themselves look intelligent, knowing tt half their students can't understand half the HELL of what they're saying. Seriously, what's the point? Why incarcerate someone when you can just jail him?

We went back to SRC Conference Room after Meiping asked if we were coming back. And Mel said she wouldn't speak to me again just coz she asked me if she could pass off for a kid wearing the IVP jacket and I told her she was 'oversized', but obviously everytime I said something she would reply me, and THEN said "I'm not speaking to you." And whenever she laughs so hard, her eyeballs turn red. That's scary.

And we were just thinking of all the things we could do after the exams. There's tt tattoo... and I'll happily volunteer my services if you want a second opinion. And there's me re-learning how to ride a bike after 10 years (or 11), learning to blade, to ice-skate (there's an ice-skating rink at Kallang! If we're not dead yet and we can still walk reasonably straight after training we should go try! Besides I think it should be fairly empty so we can totally embarass ourselves)... I want to learn how to salsa dance! And yesh, I want to spend as much time with my parents and to meet up with my friends before I leave for UBC.

Oh, on an unrelated note: Mark told me he wanted to do his Masters at UBC. Totally coincedental!

Anyway I finished what I was supposed to do. I'm obviously behind schedule for my revision, but I recovered the content of my lost document, so I'm less stressed. I could go home and be with my parents tonight. I was supposed to stay in hall, but sometimes when I feel really stressed I just want to be with them. To not be alone.

Back to school after church tomorrow.

OBSESSION
- Frankie J feat Baby Bash

It's early in the morning
And my heart is feeling lonely
Just thinking 'bout you baby
Got me twisted in the head
And I don't know how to take it
But it's driving me so crazy
I don't know if it's right
I'm tossing turning in my bed
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I'm feeling hopeless in my home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love
Baby...

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Now, I know you're not my Lady
But I'm trying to make this right
Don't know what to do
I'm going out of my mind
So Baby if you let me
Kick it witchu then well maybe
We can ride together
We can do this all night
Now, I don't care if you got a man
Baby I'd wish you'd understand
Cuz I know he can't love you right,
Quite like I can
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
And I still can't sleep
Thinking 'bout your beauty
It makes me weak
I feeling hopeless at home
I don't know what to do
I think I'm in love

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
It's just and illusion
That I have in my heart

I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
I love the way you freaky like that
It's obsession

[Baby Bash]
Hold Up, Let me Dream
Shorty got me feeling serene
you're my candy
You're my cream
Got your boy feeling supreme
Hold up, Wait a minute
Baby you so damn independent
Loving everything you representing
I got a lot of money and I love to spend it
And that's what's up,
And I don't care what people scream
Your my blessing when I'm stressing
My Superfly Beauty Queen
I'm a keep it saucy
Cuz my ma now how I do,
We gon rendez vous,
MI CORAZON BELONGS TO YOU

[chorus]
Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor, No es Amor(If this ain't love)
Then, what am I feeling?
What am I doing wrong?
Amor, No es Amor(if this ain't love)
It's just an illusion
That I have in my heart

Amor........

P.S. So many people tell me that they LOVE my background songs! Bwahaha. I'm so flattered. Heh.

1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You can never be stabilized; actually, you are not suitable for
marriage and you don't want to make committment.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.

THE HARSH REALITIES OF LIFE #1 (^ Infinity)

For everyone who's been telling me tt I'm going to get karma for being such a bitch, maybe karma's come to me today. Karma in the form of "never-get-a-HP-laptop-coz-it-fucks-you-in-the-ass-when-you-least-expect-it".

Okay. The ugly blog colour is due to my sheer state of upsetness. I am so upset I want to do something with my blog like change title to "Izzy is so screwed!" or some other unimaginative title along those lines, but I figured tt it wouldn't sound intelligent plus it would make me look like some Joo Chiat streetwalker, so I decided to continue torturing the eyesight of my faithful blog voyeurs (yes. I know more than half of you are blog-voyeurs. I'm too anti-social to have tt many concerned friends) instead.

Anyway for the uninformed, basically what happened is this morning when I turned on my comp in YIH, after tt start-up screen I hit this error page tt told me tt some essential file was missing and without it I couldn't start up Windows.

Now, why the HELL didn't I just heed Murphy's Law? I had the chance to back up my files, but I didn't. I could have emailed the files to my Gmail account, or hunted for my thumbdrive, but nooooooo. I decided to wait till I'd finished compiling the file before doing so, and I figured tt having completed more than 2/3 of the damn thing... it would be safe to wait, right?

So to cut a long story short, I went into panic-mode, then went into super-fucking-pissed-off mode (you have to understand tt if I didn't keep up the super-fucking-pissed-off mode, I would probably do something even worse like break down and cry, which besides being completely unglam also helps no one absolutely nothing). Didn't help tt the HP Centre in school has the most fucked-up operating hours - from 3.00pm to 5.30pm. WTF.

But I guess Mark was my saving grace. Was gonna meet him for lunch anyway, and I was pretty upset so I didn't know if meeting him was still a good idea coz I was worried tt he would end up getting the brunt of my frustrations. But in the end the food and the company cheered me up. We indulged at Pasta Cafe - I had fettucine with slipper lobster in a tomato cream sauce, plus calamari, bruschetta and peanut butter ice-cream from Venezia. Food makes me happy. Which obviously contributes nothing (positive) to my waistline, but at least I didn't feel like I was going to explode and have this recurring image of my guts splattering all over the walls or something.

Anyway since he's going back to Cambridge and he's not coming back in June and I'll be gone by August, this meeting was pretty worth it. Good to catch up on stuff. I'm almost amused by how some people can still be so bitter and affected by things tt happened a lifetime ago. To me, it's all just water under the bridge. Means nothing to me anymore.

You have to understand tt life is kind of short. And let's face it, shit happens. Even now. You can either choose to be affected by it every single day for the rest of your life and wallow in this "poor me poor me fuck the world!" type self-pity, or you can choose to pick yourself up and move on. Coz let's face it. You don't make anyone unhappy with your own behaviour except yourself. So why be unhappy when you can let things slide and be a happier person?

And I speak from personal experience. I used to be jaded, cynical blah blah blah. One of those really angry "fuck the world I'm alone and no one cares for me except me" type people. Sure, being cynical protects you from disappointment, hurt, pain etc because you never expect anything but the worst, so you rarely ever get disappointed. But at the same time you shut yourself out from the good things, and you numb yourself from feeling true happiness, true love, true feelings etc.

I realise tt I would rather be idealistic and trust and run the risk of being hurt, if it means tt I can feel more than just nothingness. Coz tt's what life's abt, ain't it?

So you just have to learn to let the bad things slide and keep the good. I think the human heart has a limited capacity. But it's best to keep it with what warms it.

Oh, and Mark says Shenglong says 'Hi' to me. Finally, 2 years after I first proclaimed tt Yeo Shenglong's the sexiest guy in Hwa Chong (this is going by the assumption tt the brain is the sexiest part of the human anatomy), he's divulged the news to me. HEH.. But I will admit (for those who don't know this yet), tt brilliance turns me on.

And I don't just mean intelligence or smartness. There are a lot of intelligent and smart people around. I mean brillance. Extraordinary intelligence and extraordinary eloquence. I love people who can impress me with articulation. That's why I love debating. And also why I proclaim myself a fan of people like Burton Ong, K.Lo and LCL. Because they're all extraordinarily brilliant men. I.e. If you can take my political persuasion and turn it on its head simply through logical argument, you've won me over. If you can make me laugh simply using dry British humour, all with a straight face, you've won me over. If you can expound a theory about and engage me in an argument about life, love, politics, religion etc that just challenges my intellect, you've won me over.

Anyway Mark got 2 shirts personalised at Arteris. He's so met tt I think he knows fashion better than I do. But it's just a personal policy. I don't shop at a) Zara b) Topshop and c) Mango for 3 reasons:
1. They're all fucking expensive.
2. Every S'porean girl I know shops at 1 or all 3 and I don't like dressing like the rest of the country
3. Their clothes are made for Slim Girls. I am not Slim.

So I came back to NUS to get the laptop reformatted. Couldn't save anything. Tried to study at Hon Sui Sen but I couldn't do anything. So I just collected my laptop and came home. Fortunately dinner with my parents has totally cheered me up. We had zhi cha at this place in Binjai Park. My father's kind of stressed coz of church politicking, and his good friend's son's wife's apparently left the poor guy coz he wasn't a 'high achiever'. HMM. I don't think tt's really a good enough reason to leave a marriage, but since we all don't know the whole story my dad has to play counsellor when the guy flies down from Brunei. Oh, and this guy is a lot richer than us.

Okay. I gotta get to re-doing my notes from scratch. Yes, I feel better now. Thanks for all the messages of concern. I was upset but I'll be fine. It's like getting kicked in the face while sparring. You can choose to quit or shake the stars from your vision and keep on fighting.

You know I never quit fighting. :)

P.S. Stolen off Jane's blog. This is from tt outing we had to Holland V to totally pig out.

Heyyyyy.... I *like* the glowy effect. So wannabe artistic. Ooh and I miss warm chocolate lava cake.

P.P.S. Taken off Wanyi's blog. You *finally* posted the pictures babe. This one's taken before tt last Phuture outing after my CMB Concert.

And this one's tt bitch-fest (one of them) in Wanyi's where I was most unglamly falling asleep amidst all the gossip.

I know tt my arm is a slab of meat... BUT LEEWANYI WHAT THE *HELL* WERE YOU DOING?

And for tt matter, what the hell was I doing letting you do what you were doing?

0_o

P.P.P.S. (I should stop with all these 'P.P.P.P.Ses thingies. P.S. means post script. So does P.P.P.S. mean post post post script?) Got this from Cindy. I like this pic. :) A lot. Bwahaha. Morning dew kinda look. And and and "Cindy Wabbit!!!"

And I'm prob going to get zhua-ed for putting unglam pics up, but... "Supawomen!" Muahaha (Psycho-motor problem).

The juniors. I like this one too. :) So nice and neat. (Okay, one of them's not really a junior... but shh. Pretend I said nothing.)

Walking away.

And the consensus: Everyone's fave photo.

Thank you Cindy babe! *muakz* Okay okay now REALLY back to mugging.

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month

This clock never seemed so alive

"Law students live in a comprehensive self-sufficient world. We are like the ice-kachang machine. Our grinding movement is like the case law and statutes. We can only be fed with case law and statutes (and not something totally out of this world like sausages, and at the end of the day all we have is ice-kachang."

Or how it's possible to give a politically-incorrect - hell, even a morally-mistaken answer. As long as we can back it up with comprehensive reasoning.

Like how we "shouldn't build a casino on Sentosa. Instead we propose to take all the gay people in Singapore and lock them up on Sentosa instead."

Of course, he'll still mark your paper, even though he might think tt you are not only morally mistaken, but also "not very well and possibly having had been abused by your parents."

Yepz. So tt was my tutorial. Collected my E&T test which I did the Monday morning after the race. Got a B for it, which is more than I deserve considering I relied solely on a stack of TYL notes, read no cases, read no articles, and did the whole damn paper in an hour or less.