Wednesday, August 31, 2005
victoria city
today we went up to victoria city on vancouver island. it's about 3 hours from downtown vancouver - 1 hour from town to the ferry terminal at tsawasskan, 1.5 hours ferry ride 50km over the georgia strait, and another 0.5 hours from the terminal to the inner harbour city.
the weather today was a bitch. i think you can call it london weather. a light rain; light enough such tt you can walk in it, but heavy enough to be annoying and to make it so fucking cold tt even with my thick fleece pullover i can't stop shivering.
we first went to the butchart gardens, this really gorgeous flower garden with all varieties of flowers of all shapes, all sizes and all colours... i haven't seen anything like this in a damn long time. trust me it's so so pretty. it's even more beautiful than standing in the middle of a florist shop. because all these flowers are uncut and vibrantly alive.
above and below: flowers from the garden.
above: a large fountain in the garden.
above and below: roses for the way i love him.
and me! :) yeah. it's raining. cute plastic umbrella.
so after butchart garden, we walk into victoria, the inner harbour city, for lunch. the pace of life here is really slow. it's like a retirement village for the elderly canadians and even some americans. victoria's very quaint.
it has a wharf. :)
and the fairmount empress hotel is the oldest building in victoria as well as the most prominent.
um... more victorian landscape. reminds me of singapore's supreme court, before they went and did the whole spaceship thing with it.
and how the shops in the town are arranged.
lastly, that is my lunch. all of it. a whole buttered atlantic lobster, served with buttered sauce and rice.
and this is my parents' lunch.
wash this all down with a tuxedo chocolate truffle cake, and a tiramisu... and you can forget about eating for the rest of the day.
P.S. the day before we went to richmond, a city by the vancouver airport. but it was just shopping and eating so i didn't see anything worth mentioning. and yes, whole thing with the parents is still on. i'm damn sian, but hey. it's only 6 more days. thank god.
the weather today was a bitch. i think you can call it london weather. a light rain; light enough such tt you can walk in it, but heavy enough to be annoying and to make it so fucking cold tt even with my thick fleece pullover i can't stop shivering.
we first went to the butchart gardens, this really gorgeous flower garden with all varieties of flowers of all shapes, all sizes and all colours... i haven't seen anything like this in a damn long time. trust me it's so so pretty. it's even more beautiful than standing in the middle of a florist shop. because all these flowers are uncut and vibrantly alive.
above and below: flowers from the garden.
above: a large fountain in the garden.
above and below: roses for the way i love him.
and me! :) yeah. it's raining. cute plastic umbrella.
so after butchart garden, we walk into victoria, the inner harbour city, for lunch. the pace of life here is really slow. it's like a retirement village for the elderly canadians and even some americans. victoria's very quaint.
it has a wharf. :)
and the fairmount empress hotel is the oldest building in victoria as well as the most prominent.
um... more victorian landscape. reminds me of singapore's supreme court, before they went and did the whole spaceship thing with it.
and how the shops in the town are arranged.
lastly, that is my lunch. all of it. a whole buttered atlantic lobster, served with buttered sauce and rice.
and this is my parents' lunch.
wash this all down with a tuxedo chocolate truffle cake, and a tiramisu... and you can forget about eating for the rest of the day.
P.S. the day before we went to richmond, a city by the vancouver airport. but it was just shopping and eating so i didn't see anything worth mentioning. and yes, whole thing with the parents is still on. i'm damn sian, but hey. it's only 6 more days. thank god.
Monday, August 29, 2005
grouse mountain
today we took a tour up to the northside. to the salmon hatchery, the suspension bridge, and up grouse mountain. see the pictures below for the kinda stuff tt can be seen. the grizzlies are so adorable!!! of course, one swat of their paw can pretty much rip your face off. but nonetheless, they're cute.
the salmon hatchery.
the suspension bridge.
view from the suspension bridge.
a part of grouse mountain (sorry. too foggy to take photos of the view).
grizzly bear!!!
and again!!!
and again!!! sho cute. sho adowable.
and it was raining, so it was pretty cold and foggy. romantic, but you can't see very much. walking down breathing in the cool air is a trip. it's cold, fresh and crisp, and yet not too cold tt it's uncomfortable. and vancouver has this distinctive smell tt i can't place. like food, but not entirely, and in time it grows on you and becomes quite pleasant.
got into another fight with the mom. over a miscomm but she being she preferred to be unreasonable, inflexible and aggressive instead. had to refrain from telling her to fuck off, coz then i assume tt i would get into more trouble. and i'm just counting the days till they finally leave me alone. they're stifling me and i hate acting.
also went on tour 2 of the city's drug street. where you can get crack and heroin, and tt's what most of the people die of. government gives out free syringes due to the aids/hepatitis/OD problems a few years back coz of drug dealers and their dirty needles. marijuana's de-criminalised here, so lots of people come up to smoke it. if you want to find a place where they def sell it, try the amsterdam cafe. if not, the alleys behind the junction of east & west hastings, and main st, is where you'll want to go. and oh. there is a "hemp store" with a marijuana leaf as its logo. lastly. if you continue all the way down main st, you get to the armani and the versace stores. interesting.
dinner was korean food at this korean restaurant off robson st. 1 bibibap, grilled beef rib bulgogi and a bulgogi and mushroom hot pot in spicy soup feeds 4 people and costs a total of $42.57, everything in.
ok. helping mom to do lauundry a-fucking0-gain. what a trip.
i miss you.
the salmon hatchery.
the suspension bridge.
view from the suspension bridge.
a part of grouse mountain (sorry. too foggy to take photos of the view).
grizzly bear!!!
and again!!!
and again!!! sho cute. sho adowable.
and it was raining, so it was pretty cold and foggy. romantic, but you can't see very much. walking down breathing in the cool air is a trip. it's cold, fresh and crisp, and yet not too cold tt it's uncomfortable. and vancouver has this distinctive smell tt i can't place. like food, but not entirely, and in time it grows on you and becomes quite pleasant.
got into another fight with the mom. over a miscomm but she being she preferred to be unreasonable, inflexible and aggressive instead. had to refrain from telling her to fuck off, coz then i assume tt i would get into more trouble. and i'm just counting the days till they finally leave me alone. they're stifling me and i hate acting.
also went on tour 2 of the city's drug street. where you can get crack and heroin, and tt's what most of the people die of. government gives out free syringes due to the aids/hepatitis/OD problems a few years back coz of drug dealers and their dirty needles. marijuana's de-criminalised here, so lots of people come up to smoke it. if you want to find a place where they def sell it, try the amsterdam cafe. if not, the alleys behind the junction of east & west hastings, and main st, is where you'll want to go. and oh. there is a "hemp store" with a marijuana leaf as its logo. lastly. if you continue all the way down main st, you get to the armani and the versace stores. interesting.
dinner was korean food at this korean restaurant off robson st. 1 bibibap, grilled beef rib bulgogi and a bulgogi and mushroom hot pot in spicy soup feeds 4 people and costs a total of $42.57, everything in.
ok. helping mom to do lauundry a-fucking0-gain. what a trip.
i miss you.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
joe fortes seafood and steakhouse
this is some restaurant you HAVE to go to if you're in vancouver. it's an upmarket seafood and steak restaurant (duh) like it says and it's damn fucking good. dinner was fresh premium west coast oysters, alaskan king crab claws, and crab and shrimp salad, while main course was prime beef rib with yorkshire pudding and medium-rare seared wild sockeyed salmon with sauteed potatoes. dessert was creme brulee and tiramisu, and their speciality coffee with kahlua and black sambuca. all in for CAN $188.
today was shopping day. interesting how i'm buying my household stuff like hangers and bedlinen from the sears department store down robson st, while in singapore it would be at boon tat hardware store in clementi or queenstown or somewhere along those lines. you know, where you pay by cash and not credit card? ice-cream is really cheap. and good. $2.75 gets you two scoops of premium ice-cream in a large waffle cone and free chocolate dip from purdy's chocolate.
sometimes i wish i were going to sweden for exchange instead, like leng lee. there furniture wouldn't be a problem coz it's the home of ikea!!! but i'm not complaining. vancouver is a nice place. and it REALLY is multi-cultural. ang mohs, blacks, indians, japs, chinese, honkeys, philipinos, you name it, they have it. everyone assumes tt we're local. YAY!
i'm missing my baby lots. i want to get my own phoneline soon!!! ARGH. dammit.
currently waiting for my mom to be done with laundry. with all the kinds of and amount of food tt i'm eating (and i haven't gone running or done any form of exercise yet), i am SERIOUSLY piling on the pounds. do not be surprised if i return looking like a sea walrus.
bah.
today was shopping day. interesting how i'm buying my household stuff like hangers and bedlinen from the sears department store down robson st, while in singapore it would be at boon tat hardware store in clementi or queenstown or somewhere along those lines. you know, where you pay by cash and not credit card? ice-cream is really cheap. and good. $2.75 gets you two scoops of premium ice-cream in a large waffle cone and free chocolate dip from purdy's chocolate.
sometimes i wish i were going to sweden for exchange instead, like leng lee. there furniture wouldn't be a problem coz it's the home of ikea!!! but i'm not complaining. vancouver is a nice place. and it REALLY is multi-cultural. ang mohs, blacks, indians, japs, chinese, honkeys, philipinos, you name it, they have it. everyone assumes tt we're local. YAY!
i'm missing my baby lots. i want to get my own phoneline soon!!! ARGH. dammit.
currently waiting for my mom to be done with laundry. with all the kinds of and amount of food tt i'm eating (and i haven't gone running or done any form of exercise yet), i am SERIOUSLY piling on the pounds. do not be surprised if i return looking like a sea walrus.
bah.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
"walk down the right back alley in sin city, and you can find anything you want."
how is tt line relevant, you ask...?
well. it's gotta do with the junction of main st and hastings st in vancouver.
but first things first...
woke up this morning coz my dad opened my bedroom door and jumped onto my bed... right onto my leg. it FUCKING hurt.
but my mom fried crispy bacon and sausages for breakfast along with toasted bread and really creamy peanut butter.
mmm.
now tt was good.
anyway after tt we went over to royal bank of canada to open a bank account, and then took a bus down to ubc to check out the campus.
i think it's at least twice the size of nus.
it's really fucking huge. it's like an entity in itself.
worse. the shuttle bus service has been suspended till at least september.
so my tour of the campus was on foot. and we didn't really know where to go, so we had to follow the map.
but it was a pretty campus.
above and below: the straight road of East Mall.
my dad insisting i take a photo of him.
me and the faculty of law school. whoopie i found it!
and chan's centre of performing arts. i think tt's the equivalent of our ucc.
anyway after tt it was over to chinatown back in vancouver.
my dad was disappointed coz according to him, there was "nothing in chinatown".
well. what do you expect? one chinatown in one country cannot be too different from another chinatown in another country. there will still be the gaudy cheena temple-like/pavillion-like signboards saying "welcome to chinatown" at the front and back of chinatown; there will still be the chinese restaurants with the silly names like "hon's house of noodles" and "little peking restaurant" tt will be run by cutthroat argumentative honkeys tt even my mom can't out-argue (yes. she did get into an argument with a waitress over a mistaken order and the waitress just proceeded to argue back); and the little medicinal shops and hardware stores and bakeries where they sell chicken pies and cream cakes and still greet you in cheerful cantonese or heavily-accented english reminiscent of "be a man. do the right thing."
anyway we walked down to main st and hastings st. well. mom and dad got into yet another bicker session about directions. dad said "walk straight". and therefore mom stormed all the way down main st. even though it was odd to me tt people and cars generally turned back at the junction before entering the st. i had stopped at the junction to take a shot of chinatown (the one below)...
...so i only caught up with my parents coz she had stopped.
and then after passing a back alley, i understood why. welcome to the drug area of canada.
this alley was crowded with people in thick pullovers (even though it was summer and even *i* was in a tank top), and they were standing around sniffing something. and whoopdeedoo, my mom chose this time to pull an "i told you so" and blamed my dad for walking into a questionable area, while my dad lost his temper and snapped at her loudly, causing everyone in the alley to look in our direction.
talk about stupidity 101.
anyway my mom decides to quickly walk out of main st, and turns left into hastings. which, unsurprisingly, looks like a continuation of main st.
well. tt's coz we're just wandering FURTHER into drug area.
and here's where the homeless sleep in the streets, people push weed on street corners, and as you go on the hookers stand around too. crime area, drug area, sex area, you got it all here. fortunately we manage to get a cab (and my dad insults the black cabbie by calling him indian. he WHOLE LIKE fucking racist. it's embarassing enough tt my dad is acting bloody swaku all the time. it's WORSE when he starts being openly racist when it's not even his own country. told him a hundred fucking times canada is not like singapore. guns are legal, and you don't get thrown in jail just for throwing one punch. and considering the size of the people here, one punch is more than enough to break my dad's face. and i don't think a black belt in taekwondo alone is enough to save him if he acts like he owns this place), and then the cabbie told us about the untold truce. feels like 'old town' in sin city. in drug area the cops stay out. it's controlled. everyone who wants to do something comes here and stays here and dies here. there's a park with an ambulance parked next to it to collect the bodies of the people who die there. as long as you stay to your side of the street, the cops don't care. but cross the invisible boundary, and you get arrested immediately.
well. now tt was an eye-opener. now i know why downtown vancouver is so safe compared.
anyway we have wendy's burgers and chicken for dinner. YUM.
see ya guys again. :)
well. it's gotta do with the junction of main st and hastings st in vancouver.
but first things first...
woke up this morning coz my dad opened my bedroom door and jumped onto my bed... right onto my leg. it FUCKING hurt.
but my mom fried crispy bacon and sausages for breakfast along with toasted bread and really creamy peanut butter.
mmm.
now tt was good.
anyway after tt we went over to royal bank of canada to open a bank account, and then took a bus down to ubc to check out the campus.
i think it's at least twice the size of nus.
it's really fucking huge. it's like an entity in itself.
worse. the shuttle bus service has been suspended till at least september.
so my tour of the campus was on foot. and we didn't really know where to go, so we had to follow the map.
but it was a pretty campus.
above and below: the straight road of East Mall.
my dad insisting i take a photo of him.
me and the faculty of law school. whoopie i found it!
and chan's centre of performing arts. i think tt's the equivalent of our ucc.
anyway after tt it was over to chinatown back in vancouver.
my dad was disappointed coz according to him, there was "nothing in chinatown".
well. what do you expect? one chinatown in one country cannot be too different from another chinatown in another country. there will still be the gaudy cheena temple-like/pavillion-like signboards saying "welcome to chinatown" at the front and back of chinatown; there will still be the chinese restaurants with the silly names like "hon's house of noodles" and "little peking restaurant" tt will be run by cutthroat argumentative honkeys tt even my mom can't out-argue (yes. she did get into an argument with a waitress over a mistaken order and the waitress just proceeded to argue back); and the little medicinal shops and hardware stores and bakeries where they sell chicken pies and cream cakes and still greet you in cheerful cantonese or heavily-accented english reminiscent of "be a man. do the right thing."
anyway we walked down to main st and hastings st. well. mom and dad got into yet another bicker session about directions. dad said "walk straight". and therefore mom stormed all the way down main st. even though it was odd to me tt people and cars generally turned back at the junction before entering the st. i had stopped at the junction to take a shot of chinatown (the one below)...
...so i only caught up with my parents coz she had stopped.
and then after passing a back alley, i understood why. welcome to the drug area of canada.
this alley was crowded with people in thick pullovers (even though it was summer and even *i* was in a tank top), and they were standing around sniffing something. and whoopdeedoo, my mom chose this time to pull an "i told you so" and blamed my dad for walking into a questionable area, while my dad lost his temper and snapped at her loudly, causing everyone in the alley to look in our direction.
talk about stupidity 101.
anyway my mom decides to quickly walk out of main st, and turns left into hastings. which, unsurprisingly, looks like a continuation of main st.
well. tt's coz we're just wandering FURTHER into drug area.
and here's where the homeless sleep in the streets, people push weed on street corners, and as you go on the hookers stand around too. crime area, drug area, sex area, you got it all here. fortunately we manage to get a cab (and my dad insults the black cabbie by calling him indian. he WHOLE LIKE fucking racist. it's embarassing enough tt my dad is acting bloody swaku all the time. it's WORSE when he starts being openly racist when it's not even his own country. told him a hundred fucking times canada is not like singapore. guns are legal, and you don't get thrown in jail just for throwing one punch. and considering the size of the people here, one punch is more than enough to break my dad's face. and i don't think a black belt in taekwondo alone is enough to save him if he acts like he owns this place), and then the cabbie told us about the untold truce. feels like 'old town' in sin city. in drug area the cops stay out. it's controlled. everyone who wants to do something comes here and stays here and dies here. there's a park with an ambulance parked next to it to collect the bodies of the people who die there. as long as you stay to your side of the street, the cops don't care. but cross the invisible boundary, and you get arrested immediately.
well. now tt was an eye-opener. now i know why downtown vancouver is so safe compared.
anyway we have wendy's burgers and chicken for dinner. YUM.
see ya guys again. :)
airport farewell
With Joanne.
Denise.
Darlings Yuwei and Hsien.
Guoyong.
Babes Sam...
...And Jane.
And finally, mom and dad.
Friday, August 26, 2005
greetings from vancouver
oh yeah. it's currently 10.52pm canadian time on thursday, 25 august 2005. got tt right. we're 15 hours behind singapore.
so yep yep yep, i've landed in vancouver. actually i landed here about 8 hours ago, at approx 12.30pm. flight from singapore to here too approx 18 hours; 6 hours to seoul, 1 hour stopover and 10.5 hours from seoul here.
oh, before i forget, a beeg beeg BEEG "THANK YOU!!!" to everyone who came to see me off. i'm seriously touched. to joanne, hsien, jane, sam and guoyong, yuwei and dee, thanks for coming ALL THE WAY so early in the morning just to say goodbye to me!!! it really really does mean a lot to me. thanks guys.
and thanks for buying me some time to say goodbye to the boy as well. :) i appreciate tt.
anyway the flight was good in the sense tt sia flights have an inflight entertainment system. i watched so many movies tt my eyes hurt. i watched sin city (again), kung fu hustle, miss congeniality 2, a lot like love, my bf is type b, as well as monster-in-law! but the downside is tt my legs felt like they weren't there. bloody fucking uncomfortable. i hate long flights.
worst of all, the airport was according to my dad, a "chaotic mess". the immigration queue took over half an hour to clear. we spent 20 minutes fighting off other people at the baggage carousel. and the queue for my study permit took me almost 2 fucking hours. it was really, REALLY a what-in-the-mother-fucking-hell is going on?
by the time we got to the serivce apartment, it wa after 4 pm. had enough time to bathe, then got dragged out by my parents to go buy groceries. then we went for dinner at this chinese restaurant.
oh, but the food in vancouver is HEAVEN. seafood is SO FRESH. we hada huge 3 pound canadian crab, geoduck, drunken chicken and peking duck. i didn't like the first 3 dishes, but i couldn't stop myself from pigging out. ugh. tt's it. this is called the "fatten me up like a pig" holiday more like. now i understand why it's so hard to watch one's weight without liposuction here. the food servings are huge, and the food is damn fucking good. and around the block from my hotel there's a mcdonalds and a 24 hours 'wendy's' burger joint. pity i can't dabao a burger for my chick, coz they're really good (and not just coz the joint's named after her).
vancouver's kinda warm btw actually. temp's 21 degrees, but feels more like 26 degrees. i sound normal because reality hasn't sunk in yet. i'm missing people, but yet it feels like an out-of-body experience. i don't feel like i've been touched yet. when i do though... HELL you WILL know...
i think it's prob gonna hit bad.
anyway today is rest day. tomorrow we gotta get some of my admin stuff settled... sianz. but hey, at least i get to see my new campus. apparently it's obscenely large. takes approx 30-40 min to DRIVE around the perimeter. i don't know how true tt is yet. i find the size of my campus on the maps kinda unbelievable, coz it seems to be the same size, if not larger, than downtown vancouver itself.
ok. gonna sleep soon. damn tired + jet-lagged. ttyl.
P.S. see? kept up my promise and updated often. HEH. *muakz*
so yep yep yep, i've landed in vancouver. actually i landed here about 8 hours ago, at approx 12.30pm. flight from singapore to here too approx 18 hours; 6 hours to seoul, 1 hour stopover and 10.5 hours from seoul here.
oh, before i forget, a beeg beeg BEEG "THANK YOU!!!" to everyone who came to see me off. i'm seriously touched. to joanne, hsien, jane, sam and guoyong, yuwei and dee, thanks for coming ALL THE WAY so early in the morning just to say goodbye to me!!! it really really does mean a lot to me. thanks guys.
and thanks for buying me some time to say goodbye to the boy as well. :) i appreciate tt.
anyway the flight was good in the sense tt sia flights have an inflight entertainment system. i watched so many movies tt my eyes hurt. i watched sin city (again), kung fu hustle, miss congeniality 2, a lot like love, my bf is type b, as well as monster-in-law! but the downside is tt my legs felt like they weren't there. bloody fucking uncomfortable. i hate long flights.
worst of all, the airport was according to my dad, a "chaotic mess". the immigration queue took over half an hour to clear. we spent 20 minutes fighting off other people at the baggage carousel. and the queue for my study permit took me almost 2 fucking hours. it was really, REALLY a what-in-the-mother-fucking-hell is going on?
by the time we got to the serivce apartment, it wa after 4 pm. had enough time to bathe, then got dragged out by my parents to go buy groceries. then we went for dinner at this chinese restaurant.
oh, but the food in vancouver is HEAVEN. seafood is SO FRESH. we hada huge 3 pound canadian crab, geoduck, drunken chicken and peking duck. i didn't like the first 3 dishes, but i couldn't stop myself from pigging out. ugh. tt's it. this is called the "fatten me up like a pig" holiday more like. now i understand why it's so hard to watch one's weight without liposuction here. the food servings are huge, and the food is damn fucking good. and around the block from my hotel there's a mcdonalds and a 24 hours 'wendy's' burger joint. pity i can't dabao a burger for my chick, coz they're really good (and not just coz the joint's named after her).
vancouver's kinda warm btw actually. temp's 21 degrees, but feels more like 26 degrees. i sound normal because reality hasn't sunk in yet. i'm missing people, but yet it feels like an out-of-body experience. i don't feel like i've been touched yet. when i do though... HELL you WILL know...
i think it's prob gonna hit bad.
anyway today is rest day. tomorrow we gotta get some of my admin stuff settled... sianz. but hey, at least i get to see my new campus. apparently it's obscenely large. takes approx 30-40 min to DRIVE around the perimeter. i don't know how true tt is yet. i find the size of my campus on the maps kinda unbelievable, coz it seems to be the same size, if not larger, than downtown vancouver itself.
ok. gonna sleep soon. damn tired + jet-lagged. ttyl.
P.S. see? kept up my promise and updated often. HEH. *muakz*
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
THANK YOU
Oops. When I said that the previous post was my last post, I lied.
This is my last post.
I'd like to say a big big "THANK YOU" to everyone who entered my life thus far, and thank you for the visits, the gifts, the calls and well wishes, and the offers to see me off.
First off, a big big big THANK YOU to my darling girls, Mona, Wendy, Geok and Yunshan for surprising me by popping up at my house to help me pack. Thank you for turning up; in Yunshan's words, I feel so Loved. Thank you for talking to me and for all the laughter and the jokes and for reminding me again why I love my team so so much.
Thank you.
And thank you Mona for the gifts, the chicken legs egg, and for the beautiful photo-thingy with the message. And Wendy my dearest dearest Chick, thank you for the yummy Baker's Inn cake with the lovely self-written message you specially did for me on the top with marzipan. And the photocard with the message, and most of all for tt powerpoint presentation you specially did with the glam and unglam pictures and the songs tt are stuck in the Ngfamily folder!!! I'd write back messages for you both, and I wish I did earlier, but now there's no time. Thank you girls. Thank you so so much.
And here come the pics from tonight! Even though I was unglamly in my spectacles, and for once the girls get to see me GEEKY!!! Wahahaha!
Me and Yunshan!!! :) Thanks for taking time off to come down babe. No thanks for the finger Melissa you juvenile thing...
Me and Geok!!! I will miss you so much!!! *sigh sigh sigh*
Me and Wendy!!! My dearest chick... Okay lah. Photo damn unglam because of stupid Melissa Pei and her spoon and making me hold my Kung Fu Hamster. AIYOH. I love ya Chick! Knew I should have kissed you! Wahahahaha (but then I think my boy wouldn't be too happy. Heh).
Miss Melissa Pei. Love ya girl!!! Love ya love ya love ya!!! Last "Best Friends" photo till next year!
And finally... All 5 of us. Thank you dad my photographer. And yes the backdrop is my messy room.
Thank you babes. Your presence meant so much to me. It helped to lift the foreboding and the sadness of leaving. I will miss the laughter and the times shared immensely.
I love you girls.
Also. Special mention to Chris my bro, who took all tt trouble to come all the way down to my front door just to pass me a farewell gift of a blue rose and a message. Thanks bro. I will miss you so much. Who will be there to share my life stories and philosophies and to whom I can pour out my heart and mind to for one year?
And thanks to the people who messaged all called. To Yirang (babe take care of yourself k? I'll miss you and your si geenaness and singing), Cindy (another si geena I will miss... I miss your lameness and tt Look already! And yes. You have maternal instincts. Trust me on tt one), Jul, Wenya, James, Johnny, Songkang, Kailin who's coming to Waterloo in January, Kailing, Debiao, Qicong, Jason, Francis, Alvin (and whoever else I missed. I can't remember all the names. But I'm very very happy to have friends like you guys who remember)... And thanks to everyone who offered to come see me off tomorrow even though it's such an ungodly hour: Sam, Jane, Yuwei, Hsien, Justin, Guoyong, Joanne, Denise... I love all of you guys very much. It never fails to surprise me how many people actually care for me. I don't believe I deserve this, and I'm just really really touched. I'll really really miss you guys...
Lastly, to Andy. I love you. There's a hole in my heart where you fit right in, and I'll keep it there just for you when I return.
Goodbye everyone.
See you from Vancouver. ;)
This is my last post.
I'd like to say a big big "THANK YOU" to everyone who entered my life thus far, and thank you for the visits, the gifts, the calls and well wishes, and the offers to see me off.
First off, a big big big THANK YOU to my darling girls, Mona, Wendy, Geok and Yunshan for surprising me by popping up at my house to help me pack. Thank you for turning up; in Yunshan's words, I feel so Loved. Thank you for talking to me and for all the laughter and the jokes and for reminding me again why I love my team so so much.
Thank you.
And thank you Mona for the gifts, the chicken legs egg, and for the beautiful photo-thingy with the message. And Wendy my dearest dearest Chick, thank you for the yummy Baker's Inn cake with the lovely self-written message you specially did for me on the top with marzipan. And the photocard with the message, and most of all for tt powerpoint presentation you specially did with the glam and unglam pictures and the songs tt are stuck in the Ngfamily folder!!! I'd write back messages for you both, and I wish I did earlier, but now there's no time. Thank you girls. Thank you so so much.
And here come the pics from tonight! Even though I was unglamly in my spectacles, and for once the girls get to see me GEEKY!!! Wahahaha!
Me and Yunshan!!! :) Thanks for taking time off to come down babe. No thanks for the finger Melissa you juvenile thing...
Me and Geok!!! I will miss you so much!!! *sigh sigh sigh*
Me and Wendy!!! My dearest chick... Okay lah. Photo damn unglam because of stupid Melissa Pei and her spoon and making me hold my Kung Fu Hamster. AIYOH. I love ya Chick! Knew I should have kissed you! Wahahahaha (but then I think my boy wouldn't be too happy. Heh).
Miss Melissa Pei. Love ya girl!!! Love ya love ya love ya!!! Last "Best Friends" photo till next year!
And finally... All 5 of us. Thank you dad my photographer. And yes the backdrop is my messy room.
Thank you babes. Your presence meant so much to me. It helped to lift the foreboding and the sadness of leaving. I will miss the laughter and the times shared immensely.
I love you girls.
Also. Special mention to Chris my bro, who took all tt trouble to come all the way down to my front door just to pass me a farewell gift of a blue rose and a message. Thanks bro. I will miss you so much. Who will be there to share my life stories and philosophies and to whom I can pour out my heart and mind to for one year?
And thanks to the people who messaged all called. To Yirang (babe take care of yourself k? I'll miss you and your si geenaness and singing), Cindy (another si geena I will miss... I miss your lameness and tt Look already! And yes. You have maternal instincts. Trust me on tt one), Jul, Wenya, James, Johnny, Songkang, Kailin who's coming to Waterloo in January, Kailing, Debiao, Qicong, Jason, Francis, Alvin (and whoever else I missed. I can't remember all the names. But I'm very very happy to have friends like you guys who remember)... And thanks to everyone who offered to come see me off tomorrow even though it's such an ungodly hour: Sam, Jane, Yuwei, Hsien, Justin, Guoyong, Joanne, Denise... I love all of you guys very much. It never fails to surprise me how many people actually care for me. I don't believe I deserve this, and I'm just really really touched. I'll really really miss you guys...
Lastly, to Andy. I love you. There's a hole in my heart where you fit right in, and I'll keep it there just for you when I return.
Goodbye everyone.
See you from Vancouver. ;)
the hard goodbye
in sin city, the story of the same title involves an ugly boxer who avenges a prostitute whom he scrwed by hunting down, torturing and destroying every single entity involved in her murder.
for me, the hard goodbye isn't anything quite so life-or-death.
but it doesn't make it any less hard.
this is going to be a long post, namely because it's going to be my last post in singapore before i fly off to vancouver.
what can i say? the last few weeks, days esp, have been a hectic frenzy of meeting up whenever and wherever possible. and because i've been sacrificing sleep to meet up more, i've been susceptible to the attacks of wendy's infamous koon demon. 13 hours of sleep in 3 days...
and on mon morning, the koon demon struck me once. supposed to meet melissa at 8.10am for spinning class; she called me 5 times. i didn't hear my phone. she called my house phone. my mom picked up coz i didn't hear my house phone either... and afer my mom finally got me awake, i went right back to sleep and almost didn't make it in time for the 9.20am body pump.
after gym and lunch with the girl, i made my way down to the sub courts to go find the boy and listen in to his trial. me being half an hour late, the trial was over by the time i got there. which was a good thing actually; he came down to meet me instead... and i was *still* being held up at the security counter coz they couldn't believe tt my phillips-nike was an mp3 player, and apparently i couldn't carry an aerosol can in (my adidas body spray) so i had to write my name and ic on a piece of paper and stick it to the can... oh. and they opened up the box of the gift that melissa gave me. an egg-shaped waste bin with chicken legs.
opening up the present on the bus and seeing the title on the box made me burst out laughing. that's a good one. a waste bin with chicken legs. wahaha. both being full of rubbish, i assume? but i can't throw any rubbish in this one coz melissa decorated the outside with such a pretty message in pretty colours (even tho she has a poor appreciation of my fantastic one-line singing)... how can i bear to? *sigh* tt said, chicken legs (tt's what i'm calling it) is coming with me to vancouver! even though there's no more space in my luggage. then again, i can't fit my bolster and my soft red pig in either... HMM...
anyway i digress. me and the boy had a (2nd) lunch at chinatown; food court at the basement of people's park. then i sent him back to his office and went home to koon...
and the koon demon got me a second time. was supposed to meet the home team scholars johnny, ivan, qicong, leng lee, justin, wanyi, debiao and yanda (kailin couldn't make it tonight. i think coz we didn't bring our mothers) at 7pm at pasta fresca outside nus. i woke up at 7pm!!! couldn't hear my alarm clock... AGAIN!!! KNN!!!
in the end had to rush down... fortnuately i wasn't the latest. we sat around and talked cock and caught up with each other. i swear, we have this strange obsession with finding out if there are new developments in each other's love lives. seriously. qicong seems to get it quite bad; kailin has a lot of suitors, but she wasn't here to fill us in on them...
and then when we detoured to nydc johnny suddenly turned to me and said: "eh. you and him, how long already?" and i was like, horrified. i was like: "i thought you didn't know." oh. and johnny told ivan. therefore it pretty much means everyone else also knows.
and ugh. never let boys play with mushroom stalks tt look like bottle corks, and stuffed monkeys. otherwise you end up having a monkey with a broken cock... i mean cork. *rolls eyes*
later i was talking to the boy on the phone and i was telling him about how dinner had been. and his reply: "oh. so that's what scholars talk about..."
and i was like: "well. what do you expect? us to fold our arms and discuss the future of the criminal justice system in singapore is it?"
yesterday (tues) the koon demon got me a third time. supposed to meet cousins jo and dee at holland v at 11.30am. woke up at 11.30am. fortunately holland v is 10 min from my place by bus, or less. finally. after 3 months of planning, we finally meet. anyway we were just talking about how life was and our 'masters of the sea' family, and dee was telling us about how stressed she is with a science module, and now she's a theatre buff and she wants to watch 'sleeping beauty'... oh, and jo, a husband is not obligated to care for his wife and kids if he disappears off to thailand. the police have no power to bring him back. my cousins say tt they'll come send me off tomorrow (if the koon demon doesn't get them too)! :) yay. hmm... maybe i can show them the boy if we can sneak off without my parents finding out.
had a family dinner in the evening. then i met the boy after tt.
it's getting so difficult to keep a secret. my mom completely disapproves of me going out late coz she says "good girls don't go out late. good girls stay at home. girls who go out late are not good girls." and she's like: "if you havoc now, later who knows? you might be on the take. if you want a career in security, you cannot afford to havoc around. you must be guai. you cannot go out and stay out late."
and my dad kept on asking where i was going and what i was doing, and i was so fucking irritated with the both of them i asked them to leave me alone. my god, if i ever wondered why the fuck i live a double life and why i hide most of my real life from my parents, i think i can stop wondering now.
the boy borrowed a car to come get me. we had supper (his dinner) at shaw mac's, coz as usual, he'd forgotten to eat since lunch. again. then we drove to sentosa and sat on tanjonh beach at the benches next to km8, and talked. it was quiet and empty, and mostly dark except for the street lamps and the glow of the ships and the moon. i'd never seen sentosa at night.
i can't rem what we were talking about, exactly. everything and nothing. us. the surrealism of everything. how the fuck the 2 of us could actually end up together. it puzzles everyone, and it puzzles us too. i'd told him tt my dad had asked if i wanted him to promise me 3 things. and the boy asked if i wanted him to promise me anything too. i said i didn't want promises. but i prob did have stuff i would like him to do or not do. like a) he could drink, but not to excess. knowing how he drinks, i don't want his liver to collapse before he does; b) to not work to the extent tt he keeps forgetting to eat c) to keep doing what makes him happy.
he told me tt if ever i should find someone else in canada, all i would have to do is to let him know. and he would let me go. i said the same thing to him. not tt i think he will because for some reason i trust him so completely it bewilders me, but in any event, i would never put up a fight. if he's not mine, then he's not mine. i can't challenge god and i can't challenge love.
i told him tt i never wanted the moment at the beach to end. there are times when you just want time to stop so tt you can keep tt moment forever. this was one f those rare times where i just wanted time to stop, just for a while. this was the last time he would be in my arms, where we would be alone and there would be no one around. one last time where the world wouldn't matter, where my phone would be off and i would be uncontactable; the world could burn and i wouldn't give a flying fuck. all tt would matter is me and him. tt is all.
"tonight you calm my restlessness"
i hate the feeling of finality. knowing tt it won't last, tt you have to leave and return to reality and separate from him, it's a horrible feeling. it's not so much pain as a pressure on your chest and a hollowness in your stomach tt makes it hard to breathe. and you feeling your vision blur and you can't help the wetness in your eyes anymore because somehow it feels like your only expression of objection to the situation tt you're in.
it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on.
because the feeling of separation is horrible.
we drove down to a coffee joint in selegie so tt he could check out epl/uefa champions league news on liverpool, then he sent me home coz my dad was being paranoid and fuming. and for one moment, i was furious with my dad for wanting me home early. furious for cutting off the time i could spend with my boy, furious for him grounding me such tt i can't go out today; furious for a lot of things tt i once considered little, insignificant and inconsequential to me.
rationality was just not on the cards anymore.
the trip back was in silence. i had nothing to say. or rather, i couldn't say anything because i knew i would break if i did. it didn't matter anyway. once we were parked outside my house i just lost it. how the fuck does it hurt so bad? i didn't want to let go. i didn't want to stop. i didn't want to get out of the car. he had to come over to my side and open my door for me. walking away from him was the hardest thing i could do this night. i'd clench my teeth and stop myself from looking back, but then i would to see him standing where he'd left me, watching.
i've only sobbed once in my life. i'm talking gut-wrenching sobs tt you can hear from another room. tt was 3 years ago. i did tt again tonight. i'd barely walked through my door and i just couldn't control myself. i covered my mouth and i just couldn't stop and i was so scared tt my parents would hear me and wake up.
it's not the same. msn and email and phone is not the fucking same. everyone tells me there is tt; all is not lost. but it's come to the point where words aren't enough to convey what i feel anymore. i can't talk to him over the phone and be contented. i have to see him, have to hold him, have to feel tt reassurance and tt comfort and tt sense of surrealism again. i have to feel safe, protected, loved, and i want to feel carefree, like the rest of the world doesn't matter at all.
and if he's not there, i can never feel tt way. not for another year.
i will survive. we both will. we've both been single 3 years prior. we both are strong, independent, focused. we have work, studies, activities to keep us going and keep us busy.
i just wish it wouldn't be so fucking emotionally horrible.
anyway this morning i got my much-awaited shelling from my parents. something i was prepared to receive yesterday anyway when i went out late. returned my neil gaiman 'american gods' and bought 3 more of his books to read on the plane tomorrow. most of my packing is done, but i can't fit everything into my luggage. KNN.
melissa's coming over tonight. yay. :) although i think my packing will be more or less done by then. heh. but we can talk one last time before i go.
so anyway yep. i guess this is it. my final post from singapore.
just wanted to tell everyone: thanks for the memories.
i hope i have met up with everyone in time, and please do continue to stay in contact. by email, msn, phone, or even through this blog, which i will try to update often (but tt shouldn't be a problem. heh). ;)
all has been said tt must have been said, all has been done tt must have been done. you guys all meant, and still do mean, a lot to me, and i know i'll miss all of you like hell when i'm up in vancouver. so take care of yourselves... and uh... anymore orders for cute canadian hunks (i've got 2 so far)?
peace.
for me, the hard goodbye isn't anything quite so life-or-death.
but it doesn't make it any less hard.
this is going to be a long post, namely because it's going to be my last post in singapore before i fly off to vancouver.
what can i say? the last few weeks, days esp, have been a hectic frenzy of meeting up whenever and wherever possible. and because i've been sacrificing sleep to meet up more, i've been susceptible to the attacks of wendy's infamous koon demon. 13 hours of sleep in 3 days...
and on mon morning, the koon demon struck me once. supposed to meet melissa at 8.10am for spinning class; she called me 5 times. i didn't hear my phone. she called my house phone. my mom picked up coz i didn't hear my house phone either... and afer my mom finally got me awake, i went right back to sleep and almost didn't make it in time for the 9.20am body pump.
after gym and lunch with the girl, i made my way down to the sub courts to go find the boy and listen in to his trial. me being half an hour late, the trial was over by the time i got there. which was a good thing actually; he came down to meet me instead... and i was *still* being held up at the security counter coz they couldn't believe tt my phillips-nike was an mp3 player, and apparently i couldn't carry an aerosol can in (my adidas body spray) so i had to write my name and ic on a piece of paper and stick it to the can... oh. and they opened up the box of the gift that melissa gave me. an egg-shaped waste bin with chicken legs.
opening up the present on the bus and seeing the title on the box made me burst out laughing. that's a good one. a waste bin with chicken legs. wahaha. both being full of rubbish, i assume? but i can't throw any rubbish in this one coz melissa decorated the outside with such a pretty message in pretty colours (even tho she has a poor appreciation of my fantastic one-line singing)... how can i bear to? *sigh* tt said, chicken legs (tt's what i'm calling it) is coming with me to vancouver! even though there's no more space in my luggage. then again, i can't fit my bolster and my soft red pig in either... HMM...
anyway i digress. me and the boy had a (2nd) lunch at chinatown; food court at the basement of people's park. then i sent him back to his office and went home to koon...
and the koon demon got me a second time. was supposed to meet the home team scholars johnny, ivan, qicong, leng lee, justin, wanyi, debiao and yanda (kailin couldn't make it tonight. i think coz we didn't bring our mothers) at 7pm at pasta fresca outside nus. i woke up at 7pm!!! couldn't hear my alarm clock... AGAIN!!! KNN!!!
in the end had to rush down... fortnuately i wasn't the latest. we sat around and talked cock and caught up with each other. i swear, we have this strange obsession with finding out if there are new developments in each other's love lives. seriously. qicong seems to get it quite bad; kailin has a lot of suitors, but she wasn't here to fill us in on them...
and then when we detoured to nydc johnny suddenly turned to me and said: "eh. you and him, how long already?" and i was like, horrified. i was like: "i thought you didn't know." oh. and johnny told ivan. therefore it pretty much means everyone else also knows.
and ugh. never let boys play with mushroom stalks tt look like bottle corks, and stuffed monkeys. otherwise you end up having a monkey with a broken cock... i mean cork. *rolls eyes*
later i was talking to the boy on the phone and i was telling him about how dinner had been. and his reply: "oh. so that's what scholars talk about..."
and i was like: "well. what do you expect? us to fold our arms and discuss the future of the criminal justice system in singapore is it?"
yesterday (tues) the koon demon got me a third time. supposed to meet cousins jo and dee at holland v at 11.30am. woke up at 11.30am. fortunately holland v is 10 min from my place by bus, or less. finally. after 3 months of planning, we finally meet. anyway we were just talking about how life was and our 'masters of the sea' family, and dee was telling us about how stressed she is with a science module, and now she's a theatre buff and she wants to watch 'sleeping beauty'... oh, and jo, a husband is not obligated to care for his wife and kids if he disappears off to thailand. the police have no power to bring him back. my cousins say tt they'll come send me off tomorrow (if the koon demon doesn't get them too)! :) yay. hmm... maybe i can show them the boy if we can sneak off without my parents finding out.
had a family dinner in the evening. then i met the boy after tt.
it's getting so difficult to keep a secret. my mom completely disapproves of me going out late coz she says "good girls don't go out late. good girls stay at home. girls who go out late are not good girls." and she's like: "if you havoc now, later who knows? you might be on the take. if you want a career in security, you cannot afford to havoc around. you must be guai. you cannot go out and stay out late."
and my dad kept on asking where i was going and what i was doing, and i was so fucking irritated with the both of them i asked them to leave me alone. my god, if i ever wondered why the fuck i live a double life and why i hide most of my real life from my parents, i think i can stop wondering now.
the boy borrowed a car to come get me. we had supper (his dinner) at shaw mac's, coz as usual, he'd forgotten to eat since lunch. again. then we drove to sentosa and sat on tanjonh beach at the benches next to km8, and talked. it was quiet and empty, and mostly dark except for the street lamps and the glow of the ships and the moon. i'd never seen sentosa at night.
i can't rem what we were talking about, exactly. everything and nothing. us. the surrealism of everything. how the fuck the 2 of us could actually end up together. it puzzles everyone, and it puzzles us too. i'd told him tt my dad had asked if i wanted him to promise me 3 things. and the boy asked if i wanted him to promise me anything too. i said i didn't want promises. but i prob did have stuff i would like him to do or not do. like a) he could drink, but not to excess. knowing how he drinks, i don't want his liver to collapse before he does; b) to not work to the extent tt he keeps forgetting to eat c) to keep doing what makes him happy.
he told me tt if ever i should find someone else in canada, all i would have to do is to let him know. and he would let me go. i said the same thing to him. not tt i think he will because for some reason i trust him so completely it bewilders me, but in any event, i would never put up a fight. if he's not mine, then he's not mine. i can't challenge god and i can't challenge love.
i told him tt i never wanted the moment at the beach to end. there are times when you just want time to stop so tt you can keep tt moment forever. this was one f those rare times where i just wanted time to stop, just for a while. this was the last time he would be in my arms, where we would be alone and there would be no one around. one last time where the world wouldn't matter, where my phone would be off and i would be uncontactable; the world could burn and i wouldn't give a flying fuck. all tt would matter is me and him. tt is all.
"tonight you calm my restlessness"
i hate the feeling of finality. knowing tt it won't last, tt you have to leave and return to reality and separate from him, it's a horrible feeling. it's not so much pain as a pressure on your chest and a hollowness in your stomach tt makes it hard to breathe. and you feeling your vision blur and you can't help the wetness in your eyes anymore because somehow it feels like your only expression of objection to the situation tt you're in.
it's all about choice. i chose this. i chose to go to vancouver. i chose to fall. i chose to be with him even though i knew damn well tt we would only have a month together before i would have to leave him. i made all those choices, and i made them with no regrets whatsoever. but now i'm beginning to understand why some people would rather break up before they leave than to carry on.
because the feeling of separation is horrible.
we drove down to a coffee joint in selegie so tt he could check out epl/uefa champions league news on liverpool, then he sent me home coz my dad was being paranoid and fuming. and for one moment, i was furious with my dad for wanting me home early. furious for cutting off the time i could spend with my boy, furious for him grounding me such tt i can't go out today; furious for a lot of things tt i once considered little, insignificant and inconsequential to me.
rationality was just not on the cards anymore.
the trip back was in silence. i had nothing to say. or rather, i couldn't say anything because i knew i would break if i did. it didn't matter anyway. once we were parked outside my house i just lost it. how the fuck does it hurt so bad? i didn't want to let go. i didn't want to stop. i didn't want to get out of the car. he had to come over to my side and open my door for me. walking away from him was the hardest thing i could do this night. i'd clench my teeth and stop myself from looking back, but then i would to see him standing where he'd left me, watching.
i've only sobbed once in my life. i'm talking gut-wrenching sobs tt you can hear from another room. tt was 3 years ago. i did tt again tonight. i'd barely walked through my door and i just couldn't control myself. i covered my mouth and i just couldn't stop and i was so scared tt my parents would hear me and wake up.
it's not the same. msn and email and phone is not the fucking same. everyone tells me there is tt; all is not lost. but it's come to the point where words aren't enough to convey what i feel anymore. i can't talk to him over the phone and be contented. i have to see him, have to hold him, have to feel tt reassurance and tt comfort and tt sense of surrealism again. i have to feel safe, protected, loved, and i want to feel carefree, like the rest of the world doesn't matter at all.
and if he's not there, i can never feel tt way. not for another year.
i will survive. we both will. we've both been single 3 years prior. we both are strong, independent, focused. we have work, studies, activities to keep us going and keep us busy.
i just wish it wouldn't be so fucking emotionally horrible.
anyway this morning i got my much-awaited shelling from my parents. something i was prepared to receive yesterday anyway when i went out late. returned my neil gaiman 'american gods' and bought 3 more of his books to read on the plane tomorrow. most of my packing is done, but i can't fit everything into my luggage. KNN.
melissa's coming over tonight. yay. :) although i think my packing will be more or less done by then. heh. but we can talk one last time before i go.
so anyway yep. i guess this is it. my final post from singapore.
just wanted to tell everyone: thanks for the memories.
i hope i have met up with everyone in time, and please do continue to stay in contact. by email, msn, phone, or even through this blog, which i will try to update often (but tt shouldn't be a problem. heh). ;)
all has been said tt must have been said, all has been done tt must have been done. you guys all meant, and still do mean, a lot to me, and i know i'll miss all of you like hell when i'm up in vancouver. so take care of yourselves... and uh... anymore orders for cute canadian hunks (i've got 2 so far)?
peace.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
i don't know what to call this post.
i'm fucking tired now. fucking tired and exhausted. yet why do i blog?
to remember.
yesterday my day started out pretty late. had lunch with the parents; did my dad's script thingy... and then the boy changed his mind and decided tt meeting me was preferable to 2 more hours of sleep.
so we had zi cha at boat quay. at this kopitiam where he tells me he used to frequently when he once owned this bar called 'racers' edge', which had a theme revolving around women and fast cars. what else? the aunties have known him for over 5 years, so whenever he comes they give him a discount and more food. we ordered a plate of salted fish fried rice, a bbq sambal stinggray, a fuyong egg dish and kailan. and no, we couldn't finish. it was an obscene amount of food.
i didn't know tt you could actually get cheap eats at a place like boat quay. apparently it's one of those pre-drinking places. where you go before you get yourself sloshed.
we walked back to city hall from boat quay. i was complaining about how ugly the new supreme court building looks like. it looks as tho a space ship has landed on its roof. i explain it as justifying those 'out-of-this-world' cases and judgments. he went to a cybercafe to check out liverpool news coz he doesn't have a pc at home at all, and i spent half the time revelling in how arsenal would probably be in a higher position in the league table. esp coz the reds don't have strong strikers tt can turn chances into goals, and rafa's not bringing owen back. oh well.
took an mrt to pasir ris, then 403 to geok's party. never follow people blindly. i made it safely to the roundabout, but then decided to follow the herd since i assumed tt they would lead me to the pa holiday flats... and i ended up somewhere in some bbq pit in pasir ris park. had to walk back till i could somehow spot geok and co.
anyway i found them. geok has an amazingly large family. and a whole lot of chicken wings! grace was bbqing rows of wings after wings after wings. wings were a staple on the bbq pit. meiping and peiwen were there; so were wendy and vic and the juniors like yirang and cindy and wenya, and there were 3 new juniors. except tt i don't know the names of 2 of them except randy. and hanqi and bc and siewling were also there. and the new coach chee hong made his appearance, such tt as expected db conversation turned to training, rowing, strokes and technique.
sometimes it makes me feel like a fish out of water. don't want to listen coz it's damn fucking extra can... but it's all just strange. i guess tt's all a part of growing up. i look at people like hanqi and i rem how strange and alien i found them when i just joined the sport, and now i'm in hanqi's position myself. it's so strange. but i can't go back anyway coz i'm fatigued. a bit. and i think i'm past my time. and it just isn't the same anymore. the culture's different. not tt i won't be able to get used to this new culture, but maybe, just maybe, i would prefer the comfort of familiarity.
the last time i'll be seeing all these girls again. i try not to think about it.
i took the last 88 back with wendy. was originally intending to stay over, but somehow it seemed a little uncomfortable, plus geok looked so tired from training plus having to attend to her family and her other friends, tt it wouldn't seem fair to tax her further. the boy was watching liverpool vs. sunderland at home, so i decided to drop by his place instead and see where we could go from there.
the 88 bus ride took around 45 min, as according to wendy. it goes from pasir ris to punggol, sengkang, hougang, ang mo kio, bishan, and finally, toa payoh. i miss talking to wendy. we were just reminiscing about old times and how old we both feel. somehow... the juniors seem to have bonded so quickly. it's this strange june/july race phenomenon. it really does bond people. she actually reminded me of how i used to be such a loner, coz everyone else tended to speak chinese. diff frequency. for some strange reason, it seems everyone now speaks english. coz my chinse sure as hell hasn't improved. hmm. in fact, i rem i wasn't tt close to wendy either... but we were welfare duo, we went to see linkin park together... and we're the rock chicks! hahaha. and the rock chicks pose is almost as prominent as the twins pose and the vic-wendy poses now. :)
more things to miss. more people to miss. there's a void tt comes from standing on the outside looking in, but i know i'm one of the lucky ones. coz not too long ago, i was on the inside.
i'll miss geok. i'll miss wendy. i'll also miss yirang, whom i became closer to after penang, and cindy and her lameness and her caring (she has this maternal instinct underneath the si geena-ness), and jul and her stoic steadiness and maturity, and the list just goes on and on...
after a false alarm tt i'd missed my stop, i found it. heng. walking around after 12 looking for some elusive block isn't exactly my idea of a fun time. he came out to meet me. we went to ms for drinks, and we stayed out all night. and i was so tired by close-to-3am actually coz we'd done so much walking. he was so pensive, so quiet, so brooding last night. completely unlike himself. he was just talking and then he got emotional, and i'd never seen tt before. not from a guy, and never would i have expected from someone like him. in some perverse way, it makes me happy to realise how much i actually mean to someone who means so much to me. but yet... And he's a traditionalist. he still believes tt the male should take care of the female, whether she needs it or not. he still believes tt the male should be the strong one, the supportive one. and it takes a lot to break tt kind of resolve.
i can't get to sleep around people except in lectures, tutorials and in church. i don't like having my personal space invaded. but i fall asleep in his arms. one moment he's talking to me and the next i'm gone. i would like to say tt it's perplexing, but it's not. i don't feel encroached upon. i don't feel like someone is pushing into my private space. i feel reassured, and protected. and he stayed awake and watched me sleep all night.
we had brunch at whampoa. then i followed him to his office and helped him do simple stuff/read newspapers while he prepared some work. and then we watched taxi - tt luc besson film - on his comp. i was like, "don't your colleagues mind?" but nope. they don't. anyway it's a sunday. weren't tt many people around. but i seem to be able to fit in okay. i feel like a foreign body here, and yet they go on as if everything is normal and all is fine. and one of the girls (actually it's the only girl there) is really nice to me and she offered me one packet of hello panda from her collection to eat, even though she was really really tired.
went to return some vcds to plaza sing. had tea at kfc there. ok. was more like a meal. then we both went back home. i was so tired already. but there was still the family dinner tonight.
we went to gilman heights, my parents, my 2nd uncle + his wife, my 6th uncle and his wife, and their 2 daughters. one of whom being my brightest spark miss tan siew hoong. who was trying to talk to me while we were washing our hands after eating black pepper crabs, but with a bit of difficulty coz my mom was lurking. and my dad's been going on about how if she gets a bf he wants to be the first one to pass it through. and how everyone seems to think i'm going to come back with an ang moh bf from canada.
yeah. my parents still don't know about the boy. like i said, i need to wait till i come back. right now things just don't look in our favour. from the outset, it's fucking easy to pick out 101 reasons why he's wrong for me. they won't be able to see what i see in him, and why i am with him, and what i feel for him. i must have done something right in my life to have found him, and i think tt he's one of the best things tt have happened so far. but the fact of the matter is tt they are not going to see tt.
and if i'm off to canada for 1 year i won't even be around to show them tt. i need time, i need certainty. if we can last 1 year, there'll be tt certainty. if i'm around after one year, i can convince them. i won't let them give him a hard time. we can change their minds if they have any doubts. and his position will prob be better so some objections may be removed.
so tt's why i can't tell them yet. i worry tt if i tell them now and they stop this, what can we do? how can we meet again? at least now if they don't yet know i can still see my baby till i leave. and when i return we can settle everything tt we have to.
the only downside is yeah... how will he see me off at the airport? dee suggests tt she drag him along as her friend. be my cover. haha. my cousin is so sweet. actually some of the other friends have also suggested this to me. but i don't know... i have a better idea, but i'll leave tt to itself for now. things will work themselves out.
as he says, things will always fall into place. someway somewhere sometime somehow.
and i belong to him. 4 months, and he'll come up to find me.
YOU BELONG TO ME -
Jason Wade (of Lifehouse)
see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me
see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me
and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
i'm fucking tired now. fucking tired and exhausted. yet why do i blog?
to remember.
yesterday my day started out pretty late. had lunch with the parents; did my dad's script thingy... and then the boy changed his mind and decided tt meeting me was preferable to 2 more hours of sleep.
so we had zi cha at boat quay. at this kopitiam where he tells me he used to frequently when he once owned this bar called 'racers' edge', which had a theme revolving around women and fast cars. what else? the aunties have known him for over 5 years, so whenever he comes they give him a discount and more food. we ordered a plate of salted fish fried rice, a bbq sambal stinggray, a fuyong egg dish and kailan. and no, we couldn't finish. it was an obscene amount of food.
i didn't know tt you could actually get cheap eats at a place like boat quay. apparently it's one of those pre-drinking places. where you go before you get yourself sloshed.
we walked back to city hall from boat quay. i was complaining about how ugly the new supreme court building looks like. it looks as tho a space ship has landed on its roof. i explain it as justifying those 'out-of-this-world' cases and judgments. he went to a cybercafe to check out liverpool news coz he doesn't have a pc at home at all, and i spent half the time revelling in how arsenal would probably be in a higher position in the league table. esp coz the reds don't have strong strikers tt can turn chances into goals, and rafa's not bringing owen back. oh well.
took an mrt to pasir ris, then 403 to geok's party. never follow people blindly. i made it safely to the roundabout, but then decided to follow the herd since i assumed tt they would lead me to the pa holiday flats... and i ended up somewhere in some bbq pit in pasir ris park. had to walk back till i could somehow spot geok and co.
anyway i found them. geok has an amazingly large family. and a whole lot of chicken wings! grace was bbqing rows of wings after wings after wings. wings were a staple on the bbq pit. meiping and peiwen were there; so were wendy and vic and the juniors like yirang and cindy and wenya, and there were 3 new juniors. except tt i don't know the names of 2 of them except randy. and hanqi and bc and siewling were also there. and the new coach chee hong made his appearance, such tt as expected db conversation turned to training, rowing, strokes and technique.
sometimes it makes me feel like a fish out of water. don't want to listen coz it's damn fucking extra can... but it's all just strange. i guess tt's all a part of growing up. i look at people like hanqi and i rem how strange and alien i found them when i just joined the sport, and now i'm in hanqi's position myself. it's so strange. but i can't go back anyway coz i'm fatigued. a bit. and i think i'm past my time. and it just isn't the same anymore. the culture's different. not tt i won't be able to get used to this new culture, but maybe, just maybe, i would prefer the comfort of familiarity.
the last time i'll be seeing all these girls again. i try not to think about it.
i took the last 88 back with wendy. was originally intending to stay over, but somehow it seemed a little uncomfortable, plus geok looked so tired from training plus having to attend to her family and her other friends, tt it wouldn't seem fair to tax her further. the boy was watching liverpool vs. sunderland at home, so i decided to drop by his place instead and see where we could go from there.
the 88 bus ride took around 45 min, as according to wendy. it goes from pasir ris to punggol, sengkang, hougang, ang mo kio, bishan, and finally, toa payoh. i miss talking to wendy. we were just reminiscing about old times and how old we both feel. somehow... the juniors seem to have bonded so quickly. it's this strange june/july race phenomenon. it really does bond people. she actually reminded me of how i used to be such a loner, coz everyone else tended to speak chinese. diff frequency. for some strange reason, it seems everyone now speaks english. coz my chinse sure as hell hasn't improved. hmm. in fact, i rem i wasn't tt close to wendy either... but we were welfare duo, we went to see linkin park together... and we're the rock chicks! hahaha. and the rock chicks pose is almost as prominent as the twins pose and the vic-wendy poses now. :)
more things to miss. more people to miss. there's a void tt comes from standing on the outside looking in, but i know i'm one of the lucky ones. coz not too long ago, i was on the inside.
i'll miss geok. i'll miss wendy. i'll also miss yirang, whom i became closer to after penang, and cindy and her lameness and her caring (she has this maternal instinct underneath the si geena-ness), and jul and her stoic steadiness and maturity, and the list just goes on and on...
after a false alarm tt i'd missed my stop, i found it. heng. walking around after 12 looking for some elusive block isn't exactly my idea of a fun time. he came out to meet me. we went to ms for drinks, and we stayed out all night. and i was so tired by close-to-3am actually coz we'd done so much walking. he was so pensive, so quiet, so brooding last night. completely unlike himself. he was just talking and then he got emotional, and i'd never seen tt before. not from a guy, and never would i have expected from someone like him. in some perverse way, it makes me happy to realise how much i actually mean to someone who means so much to me. but yet... And he's a traditionalist. he still believes tt the male should take care of the female, whether she needs it or not. he still believes tt the male should be the strong one, the supportive one. and it takes a lot to break tt kind of resolve.
i can't get to sleep around people except in lectures, tutorials and in church. i don't like having my personal space invaded. but i fall asleep in his arms. one moment he's talking to me and the next i'm gone. i would like to say tt it's perplexing, but it's not. i don't feel encroached upon. i don't feel like someone is pushing into my private space. i feel reassured, and protected. and he stayed awake and watched me sleep all night.
we had brunch at whampoa. then i followed him to his office and helped him do simple stuff/read newspapers while he prepared some work. and then we watched taxi - tt luc besson film - on his comp. i was like, "don't your colleagues mind?" but nope. they don't. anyway it's a sunday. weren't tt many people around. but i seem to be able to fit in okay. i feel like a foreign body here, and yet they go on as if everything is normal and all is fine. and one of the girls (actually it's the only girl there) is really nice to me and she offered me one packet of hello panda from her collection to eat, even though she was really really tired.
went to return some vcds to plaza sing. had tea at kfc there. ok. was more like a meal. then we both went back home. i was so tired already. but there was still the family dinner tonight.
we went to gilman heights, my parents, my 2nd uncle + his wife, my 6th uncle and his wife, and their 2 daughters. one of whom being my brightest spark miss tan siew hoong. who was trying to talk to me while we were washing our hands after eating black pepper crabs, but with a bit of difficulty coz my mom was lurking. and my dad's been going on about how if she gets a bf he wants to be the first one to pass it through. and how everyone seems to think i'm going to come back with an ang moh bf from canada.
yeah. my parents still don't know about the boy. like i said, i need to wait till i come back. right now things just don't look in our favour. from the outset, it's fucking easy to pick out 101 reasons why he's wrong for me. they won't be able to see what i see in him, and why i am with him, and what i feel for him. i must have done something right in my life to have found him, and i think tt he's one of the best things tt have happened so far. but the fact of the matter is tt they are not going to see tt.
and if i'm off to canada for 1 year i won't even be around to show them tt. i need time, i need certainty. if we can last 1 year, there'll be tt certainty. if i'm around after one year, i can convince them. i won't let them give him a hard time. we can change their minds if they have any doubts. and his position will prob be better so some objections may be removed.
so tt's why i can't tell them yet. i worry tt if i tell them now and they stop this, what can we do? how can we meet again? at least now if they don't yet know i can still see my baby till i leave. and when i return we can settle everything tt we have to.
the only downside is yeah... how will he see me off at the airport? dee suggests tt she drag him along as her friend. be my cover. haha. my cousin is so sweet. actually some of the other friends have also suggested this to me. but i don't know... i have a better idea, but i'll leave tt to itself for now. things will work themselves out.
as he says, things will always fall into place. someway somewhere sometime somehow.
and i belong to him. 4 months, and he'll come up to find me.
YOU BELONG TO ME -
Jason Wade (of Lifehouse)
see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while -
you belong to me
see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears -
you belong to me
and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me
Saturday, August 20, 2005
drivin' around
sat afternoon. am at home helping my dad type out his speech for yet another church thing he's doing. people find it ironic how my parents have both dedicated their whole waking lives (or most of them) to the church, whereas me their daughter can't really (and won't really) give a flying fuck. it's not tt i don't believe in God, but i don't proclaim to be a good catholic. i believe in Him, but frankly i think the church is made up of a whole bunch of selfish hypocrites who just assume tt so-called "church work" is going to buy their ransom through the pearly gates. so me? i don't even bother.
anyway basic assumption: i'm prob going to hell anyway. so anything better than tt will be a pleasant surprise.
but yeah. i still gotta help my dad coz he's a techno dinosaur, and in usual dad fashion he's bitten off more than he can chew and taken on more roles than he can handle, so in steps in super-daughter to help not-so-super-dad.
anyway tonight i got geok's birthday to look forward to. exciting. somehow the extended relatives are asking us out for dinner before i leave. exciting! tomorrow i get to see denise and uncle david and auntie brenda! wahaha. but on mon apparently my mom wants to arrange some dinner thing with our 3rd aunt-family... and i already have a dinner with the home team planned. and my mom's like "you can cancel your other activities if they're not as important." i was wondering if i should tell her tt this is prob more important to me than tt so-called family dinner coz tt family, we see them 2 times a year at christmas and at chinese new year, they haven't done fuck for us and my dad always pays when he takes them out to dinner, and i am sick of playing the goddamn guai neice and cousin to everyone. i would much rather have dinner with friends tt i am comfortable and can be myself with.
forgive me if i sound cold, but to be honest, i never got the whole "blood runs thicker than water" saying. just because we're related doesn't exactly mean fuck to me. not when the actions seem to suggest everything else. if everything is just one-sided, everything just comes from my parents, everything is just a matter of fucking 'tradition' (which i don't exactly believe in or expouse either), what is the point?
my dad is beginning to realise tt his daughter doesn't share much of his or my mom's beliefs. they believe in the future, in 'successful living', to coin the catch-all phrase of a friend of mine who strongly believed tt me and my boy should never get together because it would not fit into the catagory of successful living. i don't. i believe in meaningful or fulfilling living. i believe in the experience of life. the journey, not just the fucking destination.
maybe i'm like i said, too idealistic. too emotional. i'm not practical enough. according to my dad, i'm not traditional. i'm corrupted coz one of my dreams before i die is to finish a 42 km marathon, and he calls it 'egomania'. well. i told him i'm not doing drugs, i'm not drinking myself into a drain, i'm not smoking cigarettes or pot or ganja or hellooooo... fucking heroin, i'm not prostituting myself to buy gucci and dolce and gabbana, i am in law school for crying out loud, i have a fucking scholarship and i am securing a job tt will damn well help to support him and my mom for the rest of their lives...
so why can't i do what i want to do for the rest of my life? if i want to run a marathon, it's my goddamn problem. if i want to skydive, it's my goddamn problem. if i decide tt i wanna go on fear factor, it's my goddamn problem too. i think i've pretty much fulfilled the basics anyway. i promised myself and you tt i would never let you guys down, tt i will always do the Tan family proud, and i will do tt.
so as far as the rest of my life is concerned, it's my own fucking business. i'm not going to become some big-shot CEO earning $1.2 million a year. it's not my dream to make obscene amounts of money or become commissioner anyway. i'm not going to become the model wife and mom, gentle and feminine. i'm not going to fucking listen to my husband. and there, i'm saying it out here in black and white. if we quarrel, we quarrel. if we fight, we fight. i'll never bow down and obey anyone. my mom might say tt's corrupted also. oh. it's a sure way to end up in divorce and divorce = unsuccessful living, and i'll get ex-communicated from the church and all.
well, like i said: church is full of hypocrites. they've excommunicated a lot of people already, some of whom are good people, for what i consider minor things like divorce. sure, it's against canon's law, but canon's law was made by men and men's law is not God's law. so seriously, i think it's not going to be my loss in the first place. i'm sorry, but i never buy into anything wholesale. it's not my style.
i'm not going to be domesticated and become a stepford wife. i'm not going to play my kids barney songs and teach them about peace and love. was already discussing this with the boy (yeah. i know. we're fucking weird. 1 month into our relationship and we've talked about house, car and kids already), and we both feel the same way. we're more likely to teach them '999 ways to use a chair' and 'streetfighting 101' than we are to teach them to love their neighbours and to turn the other cheek if some asshole decides to beat them up.
so sorry. it's not my style. has never been, might never be. so there.
anyway i digress. am just fucking sick and tired of my parents trying to mould me into their perfect angel and daughter and teach me the so-called 'correct values'. it's not who i am. has never been and will never be.
last night after i came back from malacca, met jane for dinner. we wanted to eat la mian, but the crystal jade la mian place in taka was ridiculously crowded, so we settled for yoshinoya and later coffee bean. jason met her there for a movie; met my boy as well. he bought me a cup-warmer. i'm fascinated by the gift. i've never known tt such quirky stuff existed. either a) it's a free gift; b) he was looking through this hardware store and just happened to chance upon it; or c) he actually took the trouble to think of something practical tt i could use tt i would not previously have thought of myself. yeah. it could possibly be c) and tt's not giving him too much credit. maybe tt's why it's so sweet. hmm.
then mr.-i-forgot-to-eat-again decided to have his first meal of today (unless you count the 4am supper as belonging to today), so we ventured to cine food court for him to hunt his food. then it was to boat quay tcc for coffee, but i hate it when it's so fucking crowded... and i started getting this unthinkable craving for beef. namely, chunks of beef. meaty and all. tt was weird. he gave me this look.
decided he'd borrow his friend's car since the guy was working. went over to chinablack to get the car. at first his friend was reluctant coz he thought we were going to get naughty in the car. erm. excuse me? innocent blushing virgin here. anyway it's not my style. ugh. you'd probably end up getting your head stuck under the clutch or something. ow. so anyway with some cajoling, allowing us to receive a lot of teasing (yeah. the guys even asked if i was pregnant. my god. but i was expecting tt. sigh.), and agreeing to buy them all supper - and tt's 9 people), we got the car.
ooh. it was so cute. this guy's a bouncer and he looks intimidating and no-nonsense, and his car is a cute family-car with a baby seat in the front. and above the driver's seat is a mashimaro cd carrier with 2 mashimaro wabbits and a cd of 'barney songs'! i was totally gushing about the fatherly nature of tt guy. who'd have thought?
anyway we pumped $20 of petrol into the car, then the boy drove me up to changi to have a look around at the higher-quality bapoks, and then down tt straight long road by the airport tt was racers' heaven. the view is so gorgeous at night when you can see the planes take off and land just above you, and the ground is so flat. i'm so irritated with my parents. i've lived in singapore all my life and they've never not once in their lives ever thought of bringing me here. i feel so deprived. GRR.
then it was off to mt. faber to see another view point. ooh. there was a parked van and some couple was doing something inside the van. heh heh. then it was finally back to fong seng for nasi lemak. act met johnny there with his jcrc people and we said 'hi'. then we brought the supper back for the rest of the guys. police car + van + ambulance was somewhere around the area when we got back. yet another fight somewhere. he was telling me tt girl fights were the most entertaining to watch. coz guys just punch each other till 1 goes down, butches just thrash talk and then slap each other until their girlfriends separate them, but girls... the last fight he witnessed they were both wearing spag tops and mini skirts and each resorted to trying to pull off the other's bra and panties.
...right.
got home around 3am last night. could barely wake up today. i guess tt's why the boy isn't even awake yet.
anyway basic assumption: i'm prob going to hell anyway. so anything better than tt will be a pleasant surprise.
but yeah. i still gotta help my dad coz he's a techno dinosaur, and in usual dad fashion he's bitten off more than he can chew and taken on more roles than he can handle, so in steps in super-daughter to help not-so-super-dad.
anyway tonight i got geok's birthday to look forward to. exciting. somehow the extended relatives are asking us out for dinner before i leave. exciting! tomorrow i get to see denise and uncle david and auntie brenda! wahaha. but on mon apparently my mom wants to arrange some dinner thing with our 3rd aunt-family... and i already have a dinner with the home team planned. and my mom's like "you can cancel your other activities if they're not as important." i was wondering if i should tell her tt this is prob more important to me than tt so-called family dinner coz tt family, we see them 2 times a year at christmas and at chinese new year, they haven't done fuck for us and my dad always pays when he takes them out to dinner, and i am sick of playing the goddamn guai neice and cousin to everyone. i would much rather have dinner with friends tt i am comfortable and can be myself with.
forgive me if i sound cold, but to be honest, i never got the whole "blood runs thicker than water" saying. just because we're related doesn't exactly mean fuck to me. not when the actions seem to suggest everything else. if everything is just one-sided, everything just comes from my parents, everything is just a matter of fucking 'tradition' (which i don't exactly believe in or expouse either), what is the point?
my dad is beginning to realise tt his daughter doesn't share much of his or my mom's beliefs. they believe in the future, in 'successful living', to coin the catch-all phrase of a friend of mine who strongly believed tt me and my boy should never get together because it would not fit into the catagory of successful living. i don't. i believe in meaningful or fulfilling living. i believe in the experience of life. the journey, not just the fucking destination.
maybe i'm like i said, too idealistic. too emotional. i'm not practical enough. according to my dad, i'm not traditional. i'm corrupted coz one of my dreams before i die is to finish a 42 km marathon, and he calls it 'egomania'. well. i told him i'm not doing drugs, i'm not drinking myself into a drain, i'm not smoking cigarettes or pot or ganja or hellooooo... fucking heroin, i'm not prostituting myself to buy gucci and dolce and gabbana, i am in law school for crying out loud, i have a fucking scholarship and i am securing a job tt will damn well help to support him and my mom for the rest of their lives...
so why can't i do what i want to do for the rest of my life? if i want to run a marathon, it's my goddamn problem. if i want to skydive, it's my goddamn problem. if i decide tt i wanna go on fear factor, it's my goddamn problem too. i think i've pretty much fulfilled the basics anyway. i promised myself and you tt i would never let you guys down, tt i will always do the Tan family proud, and i will do tt.
so as far as the rest of my life is concerned, it's my own fucking business. i'm not going to become some big-shot CEO earning $1.2 million a year. it's not my dream to make obscene amounts of money or become commissioner anyway. i'm not going to become the model wife and mom, gentle and feminine. i'm not going to fucking listen to my husband. and there, i'm saying it out here in black and white. if we quarrel, we quarrel. if we fight, we fight. i'll never bow down and obey anyone. my mom might say tt's corrupted also. oh. it's a sure way to end up in divorce and divorce = unsuccessful living, and i'll get ex-communicated from the church and all.
well, like i said: church is full of hypocrites. they've excommunicated a lot of people already, some of whom are good people, for what i consider minor things like divorce. sure, it's against canon's law, but canon's law was made by men and men's law is not God's law. so seriously, i think it's not going to be my loss in the first place. i'm sorry, but i never buy into anything wholesale. it's not my style.
i'm not going to be domesticated and become a stepford wife. i'm not going to play my kids barney songs and teach them about peace and love. was already discussing this with the boy (yeah. i know. we're fucking weird. 1 month into our relationship and we've talked about house, car and kids already), and we both feel the same way. we're more likely to teach them '999 ways to use a chair' and 'streetfighting 101' than we are to teach them to love their neighbours and to turn the other cheek if some asshole decides to beat them up.
so sorry. it's not my style. has never been, might never be. so there.
anyway i digress. am just fucking sick and tired of my parents trying to mould me into their perfect angel and daughter and teach me the so-called 'correct values'. it's not who i am. has never been and will never be.
last night after i came back from malacca, met jane for dinner. we wanted to eat la mian, but the crystal jade la mian place in taka was ridiculously crowded, so we settled for yoshinoya and later coffee bean. jason met her there for a movie; met my boy as well. he bought me a cup-warmer. i'm fascinated by the gift. i've never known tt such quirky stuff existed. either a) it's a free gift; b) he was looking through this hardware store and just happened to chance upon it; or c) he actually took the trouble to think of something practical tt i could use tt i would not previously have thought of myself. yeah. it could possibly be c) and tt's not giving him too much credit. maybe tt's why it's so sweet. hmm.
then mr.-i-forgot-to-eat-again decided to have his first meal of today (unless you count the 4am supper as belonging to today), so we ventured to cine food court for him to hunt his food. then it was to boat quay tcc for coffee, but i hate it when it's so fucking crowded... and i started getting this unthinkable craving for beef. namely, chunks of beef. meaty and all. tt was weird. he gave me this look.
decided he'd borrow his friend's car since the guy was working. went over to chinablack to get the car. at first his friend was reluctant coz he thought we were going to get naughty in the car. erm. excuse me? innocent blushing virgin here. anyway it's not my style. ugh. you'd probably end up getting your head stuck under the clutch or something. ow. so anyway with some cajoling, allowing us to receive a lot of teasing (yeah. the guys even asked if i was pregnant. my god. but i was expecting tt. sigh.), and agreeing to buy them all supper - and tt's 9 people), we got the car.
ooh. it was so cute. this guy's a bouncer and he looks intimidating and no-nonsense, and his car is a cute family-car with a baby seat in the front. and above the driver's seat is a mashimaro cd carrier with 2 mashimaro wabbits and a cd of 'barney songs'! i was totally gushing about the fatherly nature of tt guy. who'd have thought?
anyway we pumped $20 of petrol into the car, then the boy drove me up to changi to have a look around at the higher-quality bapoks, and then down tt straight long road by the airport tt was racers' heaven. the view is so gorgeous at night when you can see the planes take off and land just above you, and the ground is so flat. i'm so irritated with my parents. i've lived in singapore all my life and they've never not once in their lives ever thought of bringing me here. i feel so deprived. GRR.
then it was off to mt. faber to see another view point. ooh. there was a parked van and some couple was doing something inside the van. heh heh. then it was finally back to fong seng for nasi lemak. act met johnny there with his jcrc people and we said 'hi'. then we brought the supper back for the rest of the guys. police car + van + ambulance was somewhere around the area when we got back. yet another fight somewhere. he was telling me tt girl fights were the most entertaining to watch. coz guys just punch each other till 1 goes down, butches just thrash talk and then slap each other until their girlfriends separate them, but girls... the last fight he witnessed they were both wearing spag tops and mini skirts and each resorted to trying to pull off the other's bra and panties.
...right.
got home around 3am last night. could barely wake up today. i guess tt's why the boy isn't even awake yet.
Friday, August 19, 2005
so it happens tt i just got back frm malacca with the parents. and i came across some revelations, the greatest of this being:
tt i was wrong.
i thought tt i was the only one feeling the way i did; insecure, unimportant, missing him the way i did, and reproaching myself for being goddamn fucking weak.
and then when he drank so much last night, tt he started messaging me more in 5 min than he had in the past few days, did i realise how he truly felt.
like i did.
i don't want him to see me off, but he's as stubborn as i am. fuck it. really just... fuck it.
anyway i started... and finished neil gaimon's 'american gods' on my trip to malacca. what started as reading to pass the time became reading coz i got so hooked to the goddamn book tt i just couldn't put it down. i was carrying the book everywhere; even to the restaurant, in the car, and i was even reading till 2am last night and my parents were irritated coz i was sharing the room with them and they couldn't sleep coz i wouldn't turn the the lights off coz i just couldn't bear to close the book.
as someone who has never read 'the sandman' before, i now understand why neil gaimon is so adored. he is a magician. he weaves magic with his stories and his style of writing. he gives his characters so much depth they are as real to you as flesh and blood and just by closing your eyes and losing yourself in his novel, you can enter his world and live his stories.
i haven't managed to finish a story since my dragonlance trilogy of the twins, and it's been a fucking long time since i can honestly say tt i am reading a book tt i cannot put down. it's a thrill to be able to lose myself in a good book once again after so long.
and my absolute fave lines in the book:
when the protagonist 'shadow' is speaking to a raven tt is one of the 2 creature companions of wednesday, aka the god odin. and shadow wants to know if this raven is called 'memory' or 'thought'. but the raven refuses to answer him. so he tries his luck:
"say 'nevermore'," said shadow to the raven.
and the raven replied:
"fuck you."
tt i was wrong.
i thought tt i was the only one feeling the way i did; insecure, unimportant, missing him the way i did, and reproaching myself for being goddamn fucking weak.
and then when he drank so much last night, tt he started messaging me more in 5 min than he had in the past few days, did i realise how he truly felt.
like i did.
i don't want him to see me off, but he's as stubborn as i am. fuck it. really just... fuck it.
anyway i started... and finished neil gaimon's 'american gods' on my trip to malacca. what started as reading to pass the time became reading coz i got so hooked to the goddamn book tt i just couldn't put it down. i was carrying the book everywhere; even to the restaurant, in the car, and i was even reading till 2am last night and my parents were irritated coz i was sharing the room with them and they couldn't sleep coz i wouldn't turn the the lights off coz i just couldn't bear to close the book.
as someone who has never read 'the sandman' before, i now understand why neil gaimon is so adored. he is a magician. he weaves magic with his stories and his style of writing. he gives his characters so much depth they are as real to you as flesh and blood and just by closing your eyes and losing yourself in his novel, you can enter his world and live his stories.
i haven't managed to finish a story since my dragonlance trilogy of the twins, and it's been a fucking long time since i can honestly say tt i am reading a book tt i cannot put down. it's a thrill to be able to lose myself in a good book once again after so long.
and my absolute fave lines in the book:
when the protagonist 'shadow' is speaking to a raven tt is one of the 2 creature companions of wednesday, aka the god odin. and shadow wants to know if this raven is called 'memory' or 'thought'. but the raven refuses to answer him. so he tries his luck:
"say 'nevermore'," said shadow to the raven.
and the raven replied:
"fuck you."
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
one thing i like about itunes is how its music store updates me constantly about new albums tt are coming out based on my music preferences. which is great coz otherwise i wouldn't have known tt deathcab for cutie has a new album entitled "plans" coming out on 30 august. which is fantastic. i can buy them in canada, which is their native country. it's def going to be a lot cheaper than going the hmv route. "transatlantism" was retailing for close to $40 here. and you wonder why people download?
i feel tired. i've been kinda grounded. made to stay home and rest for god knows what motherfucking reason. am going to malacca with the parents tomorrow for 2 days. great. can you feel me brimming with excitement? i'm so excited i'd probably get more of a kick out of hanging myself from my ceiling lamp with my bedsheets. and today was fucking boring. you cannot make me stay at home and do nothing. an idle mind is the devil's playground. if i have nothing to do, i feel fucking bored and fucking useless. and therefore i get edgy and moody and my mind starts wandering.
fuck it. i think the honeymoon period is wearing off. i was hoping tt i would be gone by then. at least then we can go straight from "lalaland" period to "i-miss-you-like-hell-coz-you're-not-around" period, both of which are nice and fluffy and stuff right out of fairytales. pretty pretty.
but no. i'm currently in the "fuck-it-i'm-feeling-dependent-and-i'm-more-affected-by-the-fact-tt-i'm-supposed-to-be-spending-more-time-with-him-right-now-but-i'm-just-not" stage. argh. i hate waiting around for things to happen. i feel like i'm the supporting cast in his play right now, and maybe i am tt self-centred bitch, but i don't want to be anyone's supporting cast. i want to be my own lead, have my own show, run my own life. i don't want to be a half of some whole. i don't want to be tied down.
i was seriously considering giving him this blog address (surprise surprise. no he doesn't know of it yet), but i've currently got 2nd thoughts. haha... so how do you tell him tt? "it's not him per se. it's you." hahahahaha. what a fucking cliche. but it's true. i'm the commitment-phobic here. i don't want to be dependent on anyone. i don't want to live my life feeling like i need to be someone else's supporting cast. i don't want to have to go through time with the mentality tt i have to be committed to one person only. it's like going to a restaurant with 1000 dishes, but knowing tt you've already ordered yours.
but i am becoming a dependent. and it's irritaing the fuck out of me. i hate having to feel incomplete. i hate having to wait around for a message or a call or keep wondering. i intended to play around on my exchange programme. tt's why i ensured tt all strings were cut before i was to embark on this thing. how the fuck did i decide to go duct tape myself to someone so fast so soon within so short a time span???
and you know what the best thing is? i know he makes me happy. i know he loves me. i know tt he's already made and will continue to make a lot of sacrifices to make me happy. and i know tt what i am feeling now is just a moment of self-doubt tt will probably vanish (and reappaear) sometime soon, esp if i see him again.
but i've also realised tt because of the apprehension with which i am approaching this, i don't think i actually really committed. i think i love him. i try to make him happy. but i don't want to be tied down.
i really don't know what the fuck to make out of myself now.
.
.
.
P.S. and no. i'm not blogging about the presidential elections. what fucking elections? don't tell me tt we have an elected president coz when they announced on the news tt narthan won the elections... by walkover, i snorted. welcome to singapore.
i feel tired. i've been kinda grounded. made to stay home and rest for god knows what motherfucking reason. am going to malacca with the parents tomorrow for 2 days. great. can you feel me brimming with excitement? i'm so excited i'd probably get more of a kick out of hanging myself from my ceiling lamp with my bedsheets. and today was fucking boring. you cannot make me stay at home and do nothing. an idle mind is the devil's playground. if i have nothing to do, i feel fucking bored and fucking useless. and therefore i get edgy and moody and my mind starts wandering.
fuck it. i think the honeymoon period is wearing off. i was hoping tt i would be gone by then. at least then we can go straight from "lalaland" period to "i-miss-you-like-hell-coz-you're-not-around" period, both of which are nice and fluffy and stuff right out of fairytales. pretty pretty.
but no. i'm currently in the "fuck-it-i'm-feeling-dependent-and-i'm-more-affected-by-the-fact-tt-i'm-supposed-to-be-spending-more-time-with-him-right-now-but-i'm-just-not" stage. argh. i hate waiting around for things to happen. i feel like i'm the supporting cast in his play right now, and maybe i am tt self-centred bitch, but i don't want to be anyone's supporting cast. i want to be my own lead, have my own show, run my own life. i don't want to be a half of some whole. i don't want to be tied down.
i was seriously considering giving him this blog address (surprise surprise. no he doesn't know of it yet), but i've currently got 2nd thoughts. haha... so how do you tell him tt? "it's not him per se. it's you." hahahahaha. what a fucking cliche. but it's true. i'm the commitment-phobic here. i don't want to be dependent on anyone. i don't want to live my life feeling like i need to be someone else's supporting cast. i don't want to have to go through time with the mentality tt i have to be committed to one person only. it's like going to a restaurant with 1000 dishes, but knowing tt you've already ordered yours.
but i am becoming a dependent. and it's irritaing the fuck out of me. i hate having to feel incomplete. i hate having to wait around for a message or a call or keep wondering. i intended to play around on my exchange programme. tt's why i ensured tt all strings were cut before i was to embark on this thing. how the fuck did i decide to go duct tape myself to someone so fast so soon within so short a time span???
and you know what the best thing is? i know he makes me happy. i know he loves me. i know tt he's already made and will continue to make a lot of sacrifices to make me happy. and i know tt what i am feeling now is just a moment of self-doubt tt will probably vanish (and reappaear) sometime soon, esp if i see him again.
but i've also realised tt because of the apprehension with which i am approaching this, i don't think i actually really committed. i think i love him. i try to make him happy. but i don't want to be tied down.
i really don't know what the fuck to make out of myself now.
.
.
.
P.S. and no. i'm not blogging about the presidential elections. what fucking elections? don't tell me tt we have an elected president coz when they announced on the news tt narthan won the elections... by walkover, i snorted. welcome to singapore.
fuck.
irrationally insecure. irrationally resentful. irrationally dependent.
"you know. it's kind of strange tt your friend got attached to a girl he hardly knew over such a short period of time."
"yar man. i agree."
"hmm. ...but then again, who are we to talk?"
.
.
.
*staring down*
"it's strange, how we manage to walk in sync. same pace. same foot first."
"hmm. you noticed tt too? ...i noticed tt from the first time already."
"yar man. i agree."
"hmm. ...but then again, who are we to talk?"
.
.
.
*staring down*
"it's strange, how we manage to walk in sync. same pace. same foot first."
"hmm. you noticed tt too? ...i noticed tt from the first time already."
"SPIN" - by Lifehouse
Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything
But you wouldn’t have it any other way
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found it’s meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found it’s meaning
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
And be afraid of my own?
I’d rather be with you
I’d rather not know
Where I’ll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I’m not sure
About anything
But you wouldn’t have it any other way
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found it’s meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found it’s meaning
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
When the world keeps spinning round
My world’s upside down
You and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing
untitled
(coz i'm too lazy to think of a title.)
his best friend just got attached. so he sent me an sms: "dinner at 7pm?"
i was fucking exhausted. let's just say these 2 days were just running around. yesterday it was troop-to-nus day to try and meet up with people. but i guess it's hard to meet up with people coz of the timetables clashes etc so tt is tt. anyway i did manage to meet up gy and jane (and say hi to sam and a few other people along the way), so tt was pretty decent. god knows why i was so tired.
today i had lunch with my uncle and aunt - dad's friends. one of those political arrangements tt you undertake so as to help your father build up better relations with his peers. tt being said, lunch was excellent. we had it at the canteen by les amis, this upmarket restaurant at the side of shaw centre tt is a part of tt really expensive les amis group. it's pretty reasonable. $28.00 for a set lunch gets you a starter (either a salad or a soup), a main course (pork, pike or pasta), a dessert and either coffee or tea. the portions are kinda small (for me), but the food is fucking good (and you'd probably be paying at least $10.00 more if not for the set lunch promotion). ooh. and i had my first ride in a mercedes slk coupe car. so fun.
oh. and my maid ran away. KNNCCB what the fuck man.
but i digress. after ascertaining tt my parents didn't need me around, we did meet up for dinner at pizza taglio at wisma. basically his best friend wanted to intro him to his new gf whom he'd met at this 'life-improvement/confidence building' course function tt he'd attended. one of the many things i find so amazing is how different he and his best friend are. one is the ultimate pai kia, one the ultimate mummy's boy. one glorifies dark colours and messy dressing, one forever wears light-coloured shirts, fully-buttoned and tucked in. most fascinating.
the comment tt his best friend's new girl says about him is tt no one has ever made her laugh this hard. well. tt was why i fell so hard for him in the first place. because no one has ever made me laugh this hard. or continues to make me laugh this hard.
we were evaluating the girl when he was sending me back. looks simple, looks sweet, looks nice. well. and our simultaneous conclusion? no one can ever really be this sweet, simple or nice. esp if she's also an sc girl. sc girls have layers. we've been trained to carry ourselves and to present ourselves well. if we want to, we can show people what they want to see, or what we want them to see, and we can keep them out of the rest of our lives or our identities without a sweat. you can tell when someone is only showing you what he or she wants you to see. and we can both see tt.
but then again i guess if you're happy, he's happy, and no one is hurt. then by all means. i mean come on let's face it, no one is fucking perfect. a lot of us have pasts or parts of ourselves tt we're not proud about. and who is to say or to judge us on tt tt is past?
i noticed as we were walking to the bus stop, tt we walk in sync. and no, it wasn't intentional. we just happen to walk at the same pace and with the same foot first. to the bus stop to take the bus, and from the bus stop to my place. and he comments tt i'm the right size and the right height for him to hold comfortably.
comfortably. i like the sound of tt. 9 days and counting.
his best friend just got attached. so he sent me an sms: "dinner at 7pm?"
i was fucking exhausted. let's just say these 2 days were just running around. yesterday it was troop-to-nus day to try and meet up with people. but i guess it's hard to meet up with people coz of the timetables clashes etc so tt is tt. anyway i did manage to meet up gy and jane (and say hi to sam and a few other people along the way), so tt was pretty decent. god knows why i was so tired.
today i had lunch with my uncle and aunt - dad's friends. one of those political arrangements tt you undertake so as to help your father build up better relations with his peers. tt being said, lunch was excellent. we had it at the canteen by les amis, this upmarket restaurant at the side of shaw centre tt is a part of tt really expensive les amis group. it's pretty reasonable. $28.00 for a set lunch gets you a starter (either a salad or a soup), a main course (pork, pike or pasta), a dessert and either coffee or tea. the portions are kinda small (for me), but the food is fucking good (and you'd probably be paying at least $10.00 more if not for the set lunch promotion). ooh. and i had my first ride in a mercedes slk coupe car. so fun.
oh. and my maid ran away. KNNCCB what the fuck man.
but i digress. after ascertaining tt my parents didn't need me around, we did meet up for dinner at pizza taglio at wisma. basically his best friend wanted to intro him to his new gf whom he'd met at this 'life-improvement/confidence building' course function tt he'd attended. one of the many things i find so amazing is how different he and his best friend are. one is the ultimate pai kia, one the ultimate mummy's boy. one glorifies dark colours and messy dressing, one forever wears light-coloured shirts, fully-buttoned and tucked in. most fascinating.
the comment tt his best friend's new girl says about him is tt no one has ever made her laugh this hard. well. tt was why i fell so hard for him in the first place. because no one has ever made me laugh this hard. or continues to make me laugh this hard.
we were evaluating the girl when he was sending me back. looks simple, looks sweet, looks nice. well. and our simultaneous conclusion? no one can ever really be this sweet, simple or nice. esp if she's also an sc girl. sc girls have layers. we've been trained to carry ourselves and to present ourselves well. if we want to, we can show people what they want to see, or what we want them to see, and we can keep them out of the rest of our lives or our identities without a sweat. you can tell when someone is only showing you what he or she wants you to see. and we can both see tt.
but then again i guess if you're happy, he's happy, and no one is hurt. then by all means. i mean come on let's face it, no one is fucking perfect. a lot of us have pasts or parts of ourselves tt we're not proud about. and who is to say or to judge us on tt tt is past?
i noticed as we were walking to the bus stop, tt we walk in sync. and no, it wasn't intentional. we just happen to walk at the same pace and with the same foot first. to the bus stop to take the bus, and from the bus stop to my place. and he comments tt i'm the right size and the right height for him to hold comfortably.
comfortably. i like the sound of tt. 9 days and counting.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
...singapore's most wanted?
...solly ah solly. haven't been able to update for the past 2 to 3 days. busy lah.
on thurs... well... partial blog about 'bonding' with the parents. in the evening i met kai and yuwei, my two oldest friends from scgs... at coffee club at holland v. ooh. and kai wanted her linguine with slipper lobster, so i tried the baked bolo(gnese) spaghetti... nice and cheesy and tomato-y. and poor yuwei had to come all the way from some school in woodlands. oh well a teacher's work is never done. heh.
so anyway we talked about... well... a lto of things... i think there was just so much stuff to catch up on since we rarely ever see each other, save once or twice a year. but what i love about these 2 girls is tt we're so comfy with each other tt inspite of the long absences we can still be frank and open enough to talk about and ask each other pretty much anything under the sun...
HEH.
and no. nothing tt was in the conversation shall be disclosed here.
what i will be putting up... are pictures.
above: the three of us.
yuwei and kai...
and me and yuwei...
and on a totally unrelated note... coz i miss my chick, here are THE ROCK CHICKS!!!
wahaha.
encore: penang 2005.
july race 2005.
election dinner 2005. HEH.
anyway tt was on thurs.
on fri i went to collect my study permit letter from the CIC, then went to meet mark for lunch. but the boy had something on in school regarding the supervision of his students' ccas, so it was walk around for 4 hours till dinnertime. in the meantime i got my webcam and stationery... ooh how exciting! i have a webcam! wow. i can see myself on my computer.
then i met sk for dinner at fish and co, where we just caught up a little on things here and there... walked to paragon (they have some pretty exciting looking restaurants there) and then had coffee club coffee. and i had dessert. :)
but we were both really tired, plus he had to work this weekend, so we left for home early. and i crashed the moment my head hit my pillow. slept for 12 hours straight.
woke up in time for bryani lunch with the parents at north bridge road. got into another argument with my dad. yeah. i'm getting the "you're selfish and unfillial blah blah blah blah blah" lecture from both mom and dad again. what else is new?
anyway i met my baby for dinner. thank god. some bright spark in a pretty fucked-up day. he was patient enough to listen to me rant and rave coz i was fucking pissed mad with my parents and their unreasonable expectations.
then we went to watch the dim sum dollies at the esplanade. my treat. it was his first time in the esplanade theatres. he was really excited, looking around visibly impressed. it was so cute to watch. but he didn't really enjoy the show tt much. well... for me, i hadn't seen the original. i thought this was pretty decent; worth the experience. could have been a little funnier, a little more sarcastic, and the ending segment with the pro-singapore songs was as yuwei said, positively creepy, but i applaud the effort and the energy. and yes it was funny and yes i laughed and yes i came out of the theatre feeling a lot better than when i came in, so yeah... tt's pretty much good enough for me.
the boy then sent me home before going back to join his friends to catch the reds/boro match at 12.15am. heard they drew nil nil. oh well. tough to be a reds fan. haha.
sent my father off to the airport this morning. yeah, they're still sad and mad ans disappointed and naggy as hell, but i guess tt's why we call them parents. 2 more years till i get a job and start earning my own money. i lasted 21. 2 more years shouldn't be a problem.
P.S. tomorrow will be in NUS from 12 onwards till around dinner-time? :)
on thurs... well... partial blog about 'bonding' with the parents. in the evening i met kai and yuwei, my two oldest friends from scgs... at coffee club at holland v. ooh. and kai wanted her linguine with slipper lobster, so i tried the baked bolo(gnese) spaghetti... nice and cheesy and tomato-y. and poor yuwei had to come all the way from some school in woodlands. oh well a teacher's work is never done. heh.
so anyway we talked about... well... a lto of things... i think there was just so much stuff to catch up on since we rarely ever see each other, save once or twice a year. but what i love about these 2 girls is tt we're so comfy with each other tt inspite of the long absences we can still be frank and open enough to talk about and ask each other pretty much anything under the sun...
HEH.
and no. nothing tt was in the conversation shall be disclosed here.
what i will be putting up... are pictures.
above: the three of us.
yuwei and kai...
and me and yuwei...
and on a totally unrelated note... coz i miss my chick, here are THE ROCK CHICKS!!!
wahaha.
encore: penang 2005.
july race 2005.
election dinner 2005. HEH.
anyway tt was on thurs.
on fri i went to collect my study permit letter from the CIC, then went to meet mark for lunch. but the boy had something on in school regarding the supervision of his students' ccas, so it was walk around for 4 hours till dinnertime. in the meantime i got my webcam and stationery... ooh how exciting! i have a webcam! wow. i can see myself on my computer.
then i met sk for dinner at fish and co, where we just caught up a little on things here and there... walked to paragon (they have some pretty exciting looking restaurants there) and then had coffee club coffee. and i had dessert. :)
but we were both really tired, plus he had to work this weekend, so we left for home early. and i crashed the moment my head hit my pillow. slept for 12 hours straight.
woke up in time for bryani lunch with the parents at north bridge road. got into another argument with my dad. yeah. i'm getting the "you're selfish and unfillial blah blah blah blah blah" lecture from both mom and dad again. what else is new?
anyway i met my baby for dinner. thank god. some bright spark in a pretty fucked-up day. he was patient enough to listen to me rant and rave coz i was fucking pissed mad with my parents and their unreasonable expectations.
then we went to watch the dim sum dollies at the esplanade. my treat. it was his first time in the esplanade theatres. he was really excited, looking around visibly impressed. it was so cute to watch. but he didn't really enjoy the show tt much. well... for me, i hadn't seen the original. i thought this was pretty decent; worth the experience. could have been a little funnier, a little more sarcastic, and the ending segment with the pro-singapore songs was as yuwei said, positively creepy, but i applaud the effort and the energy. and yes it was funny and yes i laughed and yes i came out of the theatre feeling a lot better than when i came in, so yeah... tt's pretty much good enough for me.
the boy then sent me home before going back to join his friends to catch the reds/boro match at 12.15am. heard they drew nil nil. oh well. tough to be a reds fan. haha.
sent my father off to the airport this morning. yeah, they're still sad and mad ans disappointed and naggy as hell, but i guess tt's why we call them parents. 2 more years till i get a job and start earning my own money. i lasted 21. 2 more years shouldn't be a problem.
P.S. tomorrow will be in NUS from 12 onwards till around dinner-time? :)
Friday, August 12, 2005
dear god. please give me a little more time...
Thursday, August 11, 2005
The Long-awaited Reunification of the Mambo Whores
ANNOUNCEMENT #1:
I shall be in NUS on Monday, 15 August. I'll be meeting GY (and hopefully Sam and Caleb) for lunch @ Arts around 2pm. So therefore if you happen to be at NUS and are free and would like to see me, please DON'T hesitate to drop me a message or call me to let me know when and where.
Things tt I can do at NUS:
1) Makan (any canteen is fine, or Munchies, or Mc's. I'm easy.)
2) Gym, swim, run (will be bringing training gear, swimming costume and running shoes. So will be game for anything if you are)
3) Crash hall (anytime man!)
4) Crash lecture (as long as it's an interesting Arts module like Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and not something like Living with Chemistry, I don't mind crashing your lectures to spend time with you)
ANNOUNCEMENT #2:
My flight details (which I have posted on the side bar as well) are as follows:
So that means if you think you don't have classes and you can afford to wake up at an ungodly enough hour and travel an ungodly enough distance to come see me off, please do come around 8.30am! That would be good. :) But like I said, I'm not expecting anyone to coz it really is a pretty godforsaken time and hour. But well, just so you know anyway. For your information only.
That said and done.... moving on to the actual post.
I'm collecting my study permit tomorrow. Apparently it's ready. The CIC just didn't TELL me until I had to goddamn bug them. I've got my room allocation! I have a single room 623 in some house in Totem Park. I'm excited. I'm feeling excited now. My hall is next to this gorgeous nature park where people go trail running. The recre centre (the equivalent of NUS' SRC) has whitewater rafting, ocean kayaking, sports climbing and skydiving (but only in mid-August. SIGH) courses! I think Taekwondo and Jujutsu is free. They have triathalons, duathalons, and runs runs RUNS every fortnight!
I'm thinking of all the things I can possibly do when there. Today I went out for lunch with my dad and mom at this dim sum restaurant called Spring Court, in Chinatown. Then we went to get my luggage. I bought this turqoise blue Delsey luggage for $129.00. The sales promoter won me over when she allowed me to stand on my luggage and jump around on it. That's how strong it is.
But yeah... as things fall into place the excitement builds. I still haven't configured my laptop, bought my stationery, webcam, applied for Skype, and started packing. But all in due time. All in due time. I have my study permit to collect, I have my accomodation, I have my courses (most of them). I don't have to panick anymore.
Anyway last night... was ok. Ok lah.
Met Ian for dinner at Baker's Inn (I refuse to call it by tt stupid new name). I always thought the food would be good. Okay lah, the food's not bad. But the serving sizes are for fucking rabbits. WTF. Fucking $12 for a plate of 'main course' and I'm STILL hungry. We ended up having a second dinner of mushroom swiss whoppers and onion rings at Burger King. Half the price, twice the quantity. NAH BEI.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make it work. I'm tired of having to be the cheerful conversationalist, of trying to keep the flow, of trying to ask questions and sound interested. When all I get are deadpan uninterested monosyllabic answers, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect me to say? I don't have tt kind of patience or energy anymore. I'm sorry. There's guilt, there's obligation, but there's also a limit. And I think I've pretty much hit tt limit.
Wanyi called me around 9.30pm. She was at Zouk early!!! Wahaha. Left him to go find her at Grand Copthrone. HEH. We were lazing on the sofas waiting for Jane to join us... just bitching around (usual stuff). Was telling her about accents (I think it started off with Mark and Cambridge and how we were wondering if he would come back and try to talk like a Brit) and how some overseas Singaporeans kinda irritate me.
Haha... I can't believe tt there was actually this question tt was being asked: "What's your fave Hokkien word?"
That's just how kentang overseas Singaporeans can become.
For me, it's no point asking me tt kind of question. Coz the answer I'll be absolutely DYING to give (and Wanyi knows tt best) is 'kaninachaocheebye'. Just to see the reaction. Fucking politically-correct environments irritate the hell out of me.
Anyway to cut a long story short, THE MAMBO WHORES WERE REUNITED!!!
After a 3 month (or longer) hiatus, finally we numbered FOUR again! Samantha, Jane, Wanyi and me! And Phuture! It was our very last mambo before Wanyi leaves for Illinois for 6 months on August 15, and me for Vancouver for 1 year on August 25... No more full strength Mambo Whores for 1 whole year... man. That's going to be so unprecendented...
We didn't intend to drink, but in the end we got a little bit itchy. Jane wanted to order a Graveyard (since I strongly protest Long Island Tea), and William (Manthu's bf) told us tt this drink 'Hot and Sticky' tasted a lot better than Graveyard, but was equally potent... so we decided to try tt instead. Well. I think it will def taste better than Graveyard, but of course. It still tasted pretty bad. Like Long Island Tea, only less bad. And yuck. The tequila was damn strong. One thing about Zouk/Phuture: the drinks are potent.
A lot of monkeys were present at Phuture. A lot of bald NSmen too. Must have been the National Day 1-day leave thing. The crowd was ok actually; crowded but bearable (not as much pushing and shoving as when Phuture is REALLY packed)... Me and Jane were just dancing with each other... I actually messaged my boy later and told him I might be 20% lesbian coz I enjoy dancing with Jane (always have, always will. She's my fave dancing partner. Always has been. HEH.)... I think I was knida high. He panicked. I think he took me seriously. For some reason, he seems to have this fear tt some butch is going to steal me away from him.
We left Phuture really early though. By 1am, we were outside. Bored, yawning. I was sleepy. Think it was the effect of the alcohol. Sleeeeeeeepy, I was. So in the end, the 4 of us decided to go have supper at this zhi cha place in Havelock Road (pork ribs and Hokkien mee)... So much for clubbing. We all feel old. Or rather, the Mambo Whores are growing out of mambo.
Hmm.
I got home around 2.30am.
I've been telling people tt whenever I get really high or drunk, different things happen on different occasions. Sometimes I get so sleepy I fall asleep (on the dance floor), sometimes I become the IPM, sometimes I just end up babbling nonsense or even just laughing or crying uncontrollably...
Last night, I was moody. Extremely grouchy. My father had the misfortune of being awake when I was incredibly grouchy, so let's just say it wasn't a very pretty picture (yeah. I got a lecture about drinking and its effects this morning from him coz of last night. Fuck).
But in realisation, the effect tt alcohol has on me is in essence, it removes my inhibitions. My sense of control. I can control my thinking, my actions, and even my moods, normally. I know how to psycho myself to be cheerful or to be ok when I'm down or whatever, normally, because as long as I put my mind to it, anything is possible. But when I drink and I get high or more than tt, I can't be bothered anymore. It's not tt I can't, it's tt I really stop giving a flying fuck. So everything tt I want to do but don't normally coz of self-control, I just do it.
Oh well... I wonder if this means drinking is cathartic for me, or whether I should just avoid it more... HMM.
P.S. Eastside at UE Square is having a Lobsters offer on Mondays and Fridays. A whole 400g lobster on Aglio Olio pasta only costs $12.99 from 7 to 10pm... Anyone wants to go? There'll be beer too, btw.
I shall be in NUS on Monday, 15 August. I'll be meeting GY (and hopefully Sam and Caleb) for lunch @ Arts around 2pm. So therefore if you happen to be at NUS and are free and would like to see me, please DON'T hesitate to drop me a message or call me to let me know when and where.
Things tt I can do at NUS:
1) Makan (any canteen is fine, or Munchies, or Mc's. I'm easy.)
2) Gym, swim, run (will be bringing training gear, swimming costume and running shoes. So will be game for anything if you are)
3) Crash hall (anytime man!)
4) Crash lecture (as long as it's an interesting Arts module like Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and not something like Living with Chemistry, I don't mind crashing your lectures to spend time with you)
ANNOUNCEMENT #2:
My flight details (which I have posted on the side bar as well) are as follows:
Date of Departure: 25 August 2005 (Thursday)
Place of Departure: Changi Airport Terminal 2
Time of Departure: 9.55am
Flight No.: SQ 18
Check-In Time: 8.30am
So that means if you think you don't have classes and you can afford to wake up at an ungodly enough hour and travel an ungodly enough distance to come see me off, please do come around 8.30am! That would be good. :) But like I said, I'm not expecting anyone to coz it really is a pretty godforsaken time and hour. But well, just so you know anyway. For your information only.
That said and done.... moving on to the actual post.
I'm collecting my study permit tomorrow. Apparently it's ready. The CIC just didn't TELL me until I had to goddamn bug them. I've got my room allocation! I have a single room 623 in some house in Totem Park. I'm excited. I'm feeling excited now. My hall is next to this gorgeous nature park where people go trail running. The recre centre (the equivalent of NUS' SRC) has whitewater rafting, ocean kayaking, sports climbing and skydiving (but only in mid-August. SIGH) courses! I think Taekwondo and Jujutsu is free. They have triathalons, duathalons, and runs runs RUNS every fortnight!
I'm thinking of all the things I can possibly do when there. Today I went out for lunch with my dad and mom at this dim sum restaurant called Spring Court, in Chinatown. Then we went to get my luggage. I bought this turqoise blue Delsey luggage for $129.00. The sales promoter won me over when she allowed me to stand on my luggage and jump around on it. That's how strong it is.
But yeah... as things fall into place the excitement builds. I still haven't configured my laptop, bought my stationery, webcam, applied for Skype, and started packing. But all in due time. All in due time. I have my study permit to collect, I have my accomodation, I have my courses (most of them). I don't have to panick anymore.
Anyway last night... was ok. Ok lah.
Met Ian for dinner at Baker's Inn (I refuse to call it by tt stupid new name). I always thought the food would be good. Okay lah, the food's not bad. But the serving sizes are for fucking rabbits. WTF. Fucking $12 for a plate of 'main course' and I'm STILL hungry. We ended up having a second dinner of mushroom swiss whoppers and onion rings at Burger King. Half the price, twice the quantity. NAH BEI.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make it work. I'm tired of having to be the cheerful conversationalist, of trying to keep the flow, of trying to ask questions and sound interested. When all I get are deadpan uninterested monosyllabic answers, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect me to say? I don't have tt kind of patience or energy anymore. I'm sorry. There's guilt, there's obligation, but there's also a limit. And I think I've pretty much hit tt limit.
Wanyi called me around 9.30pm. She was at Zouk early!!! Wahaha. Left him to go find her at Grand Copthrone. HEH. We were lazing on the sofas waiting for Jane to join us... just bitching around (usual stuff). Was telling her about accents (I think it started off with Mark and Cambridge and how we were wondering if he would come back and try to talk like a Brit) and how some overseas Singaporeans kinda irritate me.
Haha... I can't believe tt there was actually this question tt was being asked: "What's your fave Hokkien word?"
That's just how kentang overseas Singaporeans can become.
For me, it's no point asking me tt kind of question. Coz the answer I'll be absolutely DYING to give (and Wanyi knows tt best) is 'kaninachaocheebye'. Just to see the reaction. Fucking politically-correct environments irritate the hell out of me.
Anyway to cut a long story short, THE MAMBO WHORES WERE REUNITED!!!
After a 3 month (or longer) hiatus, finally we numbered FOUR again! Samantha, Jane, Wanyi and me! And Phuture! It was our very last mambo before Wanyi leaves for Illinois for 6 months on August 15, and me for Vancouver for 1 year on August 25... No more full strength Mambo Whores for 1 whole year... man. That's going to be so unprecendented...
We didn't intend to drink, but in the end we got a little bit itchy. Jane wanted to order a Graveyard (since I strongly protest Long Island Tea), and William (Manthu's bf) told us tt this drink 'Hot and Sticky' tasted a lot better than Graveyard, but was equally potent... so we decided to try tt instead. Well. I think it will def taste better than Graveyard, but of course. It still tasted pretty bad. Like Long Island Tea, only less bad. And yuck. The tequila was damn strong. One thing about Zouk/Phuture: the drinks are potent.
A lot of monkeys were present at Phuture. A lot of bald NSmen too. Must have been the National Day 1-day leave thing. The crowd was ok actually; crowded but bearable (not as much pushing and shoving as when Phuture is REALLY packed)... Me and Jane were just dancing with each other... I actually messaged my boy later and told him I might be 20% lesbian coz I enjoy dancing with Jane (always have, always will. She's my fave dancing partner. Always has been. HEH.)... I think I was knida high. He panicked. I think he took me seriously. For some reason, he seems to have this fear tt some butch is going to steal me away from him.
We left Phuture really early though. By 1am, we were outside. Bored, yawning. I was sleepy. Think it was the effect of the alcohol. Sleeeeeeeepy, I was. So in the end, the 4 of us decided to go have supper at this zhi cha place in Havelock Road (pork ribs and Hokkien mee)... So much for clubbing. We all feel old. Or rather, the Mambo Whores are growing out of mambo.
Hmm.
I got home around 2.30am.
I've been telling people tt whenever I get really high or drunk, different things happen on different occasions. Sometimes I get so sleepy I fall asleep (on the dance floor), sometimes I become the IPM, sometimes I just end up babbling nonsense or even just laughing or crying uncontrollably...
Last night, I was moody. Extremely grouchy. My father had the misfortune of being awake when I was incredibly grouchy, so let's just say it wasn't a very pretty picture (yeah. I got a lecture about drinking and its effects this morning from him coz of last night. Fuck).
But in realisation, the effect tt alcohol has on me is in essence, it removes my inhibitions. My sense of control. I can control my thinking, my actions, and even my moods, normally. I know how to psycho myself to be cheerful or to be ok when I'm down or whatever, normally, because as long as I put my mind to it, anything is possible. But when I drink and I get high or more than tt, I can't be bothered anymore. It's not tt I can't, it's tt I really stop giving a flying fuck. So everything tt I want to do but don't normally coz of self-control, I just do it.
Oh well... I wonder if this means drinking is cathartic for me, or whether I should just avoid it more... HMM.
P.S. Eastside at UE Square is having a Lobsters offer on Mondays and Fridays. A whole 400g lobster on Aglio Olio pasta only costs $12.99 from 7 to 10pm... Anyone wants to go? There'll be beer too, btw.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
'love test?'
i took this test off http://www.naucon.net/misc/tests/love_test01.htm once, in may last year. just for the hell of it, i figured i would take it again and see if things have changed.
THEN (may 2004):
1. You are attracted to those who have split personality, like cold
as ice on the outside, but hot as fire in the heart.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.
4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is that both of you can talk about everything and
anything, no secret is kept.
6. You can't resist desire and lust; most probably you'll commit
adultery.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you are quite self-centered; you think of love as
something you can get and trash anytime you want.
NOW (today):
1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.
4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is that both of you can talk about everything and
anything, no secret is kept.
6. You can never be stabilized; actually, you are not suitable for
marriage and you don't want to make committment.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.
...hmm. curious.
THEN (may 2004):
1. You are attracted to those who have split personality, like cold
as ice on the outside, but hot as fire in the heart.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.
4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is that both of you can talk about everything and
anything, no secret is kept.
6. You can't resist desire and lust; most probably you'll commit
adultery.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you are quite self-centered; you think of love as
something you can get and trash anytime you want.
NOW (today):
1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.
4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is that both of you can talk about everything and
anything, no secret is kept.
6. You can never be stabilized; actually, you are not suitable for
marriage and you don't want to make committment.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do
anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.
...hmm. curious.
gravity
yeah. this is my don't-know-how-manyeth-post of the day. this is why i cannot stay at home. coz when my fingers get itchy and i run out of shows to watch on tv, i blog.
and yes. i've changed the template to this loud crass ugly orange in-your-face thingy, to accomodate my pictures without me having to reformat everything and to avoid screwing the paragraphing.
didn't pack my room after all. bed looked too inviting. 2 minutes became 2 hours. so goodbye room-packing.
woke up groggy-eyed to a message from johnny, very succinctly put: "you left already?"
no. haven't left yet. leaving august 25th. will be putting up flight details when i get them.
but then i started thinking... essentially i didn't think anyone was going to come send me off. people telling me tt they want to is very very moving to me. i didn't, and don't think i matter tt much. nor tt i should. i feel overwhelmed.
and then i started thinking of how it's gonna be at the airport. and having to see everyone who matters to me. i will be gone for 1 year. and oh gosh. i think at this rate i'm going to embarass myself at the airport like this...
and i want everyone to be there. it's a stretch coz it's going to be a distance and an ungodly time, and i don't expect anyone to drop all their plans just to see me walk through some glass door (to immigration, not literally). but i would like to see everyone one last time before i go. my babes, my girls, the friends who matter, my brothers, my cousins...
and he says he'll be there too. he, whom my parents don't know about. whom i still don't know how to tell my father about. he won't be able to talk to me. he won't be able to hug me one last time. he says he'll be watching me from afar. i want to tell him not to come. i think tt knowing tt he's there, but not being able to see him, talk to him, hear him, touch him, it's going to tear me apart. more than if he weren't even physically there.
"Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down..."
i promised myself i wouldn't think about the future now. i promised myself i would just continue living everyday as per normal, doing what i need to do, meeting up with whoever i need to meet, now while i can.
my father asked me tonight, if i really was excited to go to canada. i guess he can tell i'm not exactly jumping for joy.
yes. i'm looking forward to it. i'm looking forward to my 1-year holiday from nus law school. i'm looking forward to the cold climate, the gorgeous scenery. i'm looking forward to a culture of friendly and laid-back people, of diversity in thinking and action, of a different-world charm tt i will never experience here. i'm looking forward to pubbing and clubbing and running and snowboarding and playing around and just doing all the things tt i cannot do here.
but no. i'm not looking forward to leaving all the people behind. for one year. of the phone calls and meetings i can no longer make. of the dispersal of the mambo whores. no bitching with sam jane wanyi in 508. no jane to run with. no melissa to gym with and to msn and talk to forever and ever. no geok and wendy to talk cock with. no teammates to train with race with make a fool of ourselves with and to get drunk with. no chris to talk about life and our philosophies of it with. no james no francis no johnny no sk no one to meet up over coffee and tcc with. no jo and dee to totally traumatise over family outings and more than tt. no mom to cook me my fave cabbage soup with homemade mushroom and fish balls and fish maw and sea cucumber. no dad to have late-night 1 hour chats over life and our attitudes towards it, and no further chances to buy my parents dinner or to take them to nice places anymore. and no andy to see, to talk to, to hug and kiss, to make me laugh till i feel like i'm going to get an asthma attack, to talk to and listen to about work and the future and the way we see and think and feel about so many things, to share the same kind of music and movies and food with, who'll see me home regardless of whether i'm sobre or drunk and no matter how early or how late it is. who'll let me be whoever i want to be and just be there for me 100%, whether i'm being the assertive bitch slamming original girls in front of him and telling him how pissed off i am with people and the government and the world in general, or whether i'm tired and vulnerable and upset and just want to let go and lose control and stop being strong for one long long moment.
"gravity"
- by embrace
Honey
It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear the sound?
Cos I can't help thinking
And I don't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone
On everyone...
Baby its been a long time waiting
Such a long long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Oh can you hear that sound?
Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I
On you and I
and yes. i've changed the template to this loud crass ugly orange in-your-face thingy, to accomodate my pictures without me having to reformat everything and to avoid screwing the paragraphing.
didn't pack my room after all. bed looked too inviting. 2 minutes became 2 hours. so goodbye room-packing.
woke up groggy-eyed to a message from johnny, very succinctly put: "you left already?"
no. haven't left yet. leaving august 25th. will be putting up flight details when i get them.
but then i started thinking... essentially i didn't think anyone was going to come send me off. people telling me tt they want to is very very moving to me. i didn't, and don't think i matter tt much. nor tt i should. i feel overwhelmed.
and then i started thinking of how it's gonna be at the airport. and having to see everyone who matters to me. i will be gone for 1 year. and oh gosh. i think at this rate i'm going to embarass myself at the airport like this...
and i want everyone to be there. it's a stretch coz it's going to be a distance and an ungodly time, and i don't expect anyone to drop all their plans just to see me walk through some glass door (to immigration, not literally). but i would like to see everyone one last time before i go. my babes, my girls, the friends who matter, my brothers, my cousins...
and he says he'll be there too. he, whom my parents don't know about. whom i still don't know how to tell my father about. he won't be able to talk to me. he won't be able to hug me one last time. he says he'll be watching me from afar. i want to tell him not to come. i think tt knowing tt he's there, but not being able to see him, talk to him, hear him, touch him, it's going to tear me apart. more than if he weren't even physically there.
"Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down..."
i promised myself i wouldn't think about the future now. i promised myself i would just continue living everyday as per normal, doing what i need to do, meeting up with whoever i need to meet, now while i can.
my father asked me tonight, if i really was excited to go to canada. i guess he can tell i'm not exactly jumping for joy.
yes. i'm looking forward to it. i'm looking forward to my 1-year holiday from nus law school. i'm looking forward to the cold climate, the gorgeous scenery. i'm looking forward to a culture of friendly and laid-back people, of diversity in thinking and action, of a different-world charm tt i will never experience here. i'm looking forward to pubbing and clubbing and running and snowboarding and playing around and just doing all the things tt i cannot do here.
but no. i'm not looking forward to leaving all the people behind. for one year. of the phone calls and meetings i can no longer make. of the dispersal of the mambo whores. no bitching with sam jane wanyi in 508. no jane to run with. no melissa to gym with and to msn and talk to forever and ever. no geok and wendy to talk cock with. no teammates to train with race with make a fool of ourselves with and to get drunk with. no chris to talk about life and our philosophies of it with. no james no francis no johnny no sk no one to meet up over coffee and tcc with. no jo and dee to totally traumatise over family outings and more than tt. no mom to cook me my fave cabbage soup with homemade mushroom and fish balls and fish maw and sea cucumber. no dad to have late-night 1 hour chats over life and our attitudes towards it, and no further chances to buy my parents dinner or to take them to nice places anymore. and no andy to see, to talk to, to hug and kiss, to make me laugh till i feel like i'm going to get an asthma attack, to talk to and listen to about work and the future and the way we see and think and feel about so many things, to share the same kind of music and movies and food with, who'll see me home regardless of whether i'm sobre or drunk and no matter how early or how late it is. who'll let me be whoever i want to be and just be there for me 100%, whether i'm being the assertive bitch slamming original girls in front of him and telling him how pissed off i am with people and the government and the world in general, or whether i'm tired and vulnerable and upset and just want to let go and lose control and stop being strong for one long long moment.
"gravity"
- by embrace
Honey
It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear the sound?
Cos I can't help thinking
And I don't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pulls on everyone
On everyone...
Baby its been a long time waiting
Such a long long time
And I can't stop smiling
No I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating?
Oh can you hear that sound?
Cos I can't help crying
And I won't look down...
And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh the way that gravity turns on you and me
And then I looked up at the sun and saw the sky
And the way that gravity pulls on you and I
On you and I
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
"ooh. you touch my tra-la-la."
it's national day, again
i don't know why i feel obligated to do a national day post.
well. um. happy 40th birthday singapore.
ok. tt doesn't sound very enthusiastic. i suppose i really ought to feel more patriotic. so why is it tt i don't?
i'm sure i love this country. i do call it home. i live here. my family is here. my friends are here. i go to school here. i train here. here is all i pretty much know.
and yet i feel like i could be a nomad. national day feels like any other public holiday.
isn't it strange how new yorkers and even singaporean tourists who go to new york will proudly buy 'i heart new york' t-shirts and wear them all over the fucking place, but no one in their right mind is going to wear an 'i heart singapore' t-shirt and do the same.
why? on one hand, it's true tt our singapore t-shirts are all damn fucking orbit. cheena dragon and oldish design. but if it was made to look hip, we still prob wouldn't be caught dead professing our love for our country coz it's just ain't cool man, ya know?
i know some people are damn excited about the fireworks. a lot of people hang the flag proudly from their house. it's not a family tradition here. my parents equate the concept of singapore with the government and the government with the pap, and hell will freeze over before they profess tt the pap ain't that bad after all.
i actually feel bothered tt i don't feel patriotic. granted. i think the ndp song is whacked, but tt's just coz we're using the same old people and the same old thing year in year out and it just doesn't work tt way after 40 years. but i hear of people studying overseas who are becoming more nationalistic, and i'm like "HMM". what is it tt drives people to really be proud of this country? it's not to say tt i'm not proud or appreciative. i love the transport system, i love the cleanliness. i love the efficiency. i love the fact tt we don't have to worry about the day to day and focus on the intangibles.
but i feel like i'm not being drawn by a kind of charm or some unique quality tt makes this place special.
straits times came out with this spread about what we love about singapore. i realise i haven't been to most of those places. am i missing out? is it coz i'm not adventurous enough? we stick to the same old places all the same old time. we stagnate. we don't explore. and when you don't explore, how do you find new things to love about a place you've lived all your life?
i haven't watched an ndp parade in a few years. usually around tt time i'm out running. i foresee myself running again this year.
but sometimes it goes beyond parades or fireworks.
nonetheless, happy national day.
me? i'm gonna go pack my room now.
P.S. i've watched the video evidence from wendy's party. OMG. this is hilarious. OMG. we are such MORONS. i can't wait for the videos of vic's party.
well. um. happy 40th birthday singapore.
ok. tt doesn't sound very enthusiastic. i suppose i really ought to feel more patriotic. so why is it tt i don't?
i'm sure i love this country. i do call it home. i live here. my family is here. my friends are here. i go to school here. i train here. here is all i pretty much know.
and yet i feel like i could be a nomad. national day feels like any other public holiday.
isn't it strange how new yorkers and even singaporean tourists who go to new york will proudly buy 'i heart new york' t-shirts and wear them all over the fucking place, but no one in their right mind is going to wear an 'i heart singapore' t-shirt and do the same.
why? on one hand, it's true tt our singapore t-shirts are all damn fucking orbit. cheena dragon and oldish design. but if it was made to look hip, we still prob wouldn't be caught dead professing our love for our country coz it's just ain't cool man, ya know?
i know some people are damn excited about the fireworks. a lot of people hang the flag proudly from their house. it's not a family tradition here. my parents equate the concept of singapore with the government and the government with the pap, and hell will freeze over before they profess tt the pap ain't that bad after all.
i actually feel bothered tt i don't feel patriotic. granted. i think the ndp song is whacked, but tt's just coz we're using the same old people and the same old thing year in year out and it just doesn't work tt way after 40 years. but i hear of people studying overseas who are becoming more nationalistic, and i'm like "HMM". what is it tt drives people to really be proud of this country? it's not to say tt i'm not proud or appreciative. i love the transport system, i love the cleanliness. i love the efficiency. i love the fact tt we don't have to worry about the day to day and focus on the intangibles.
but i feel like i'm not being drawn by a kind of charm or some unique quality tt makes this place special.
straits times came out with this spread about what we love about singapore. i realise i haven't been to most of those places. am i missing out? is it coz i'm not adventurous enough? we stick to the same old places all the same old time. we stagnate. we don't explore. and when you don't explore, how do you find new things to love about a place you've lived all your life?
i haven't watched an ndp parade in a few years. usually around tt time i'm out running. i foresee myself running again this year.
but sometimes it goes beyond parades or fireworks.
nonetheless, happy national day.
me? i'm gonna go pack my room now.
P.S. i've watched the video evidence from wendy's party. OMG. this is hilarious. OMG. we are such MORONS. i can't wait for the videos of vic's party.
july race - haven't we had enough yet?
mona lent me her cd containing the july race pics, so i finally have the race pics with me. yay. anyway as i was going through them, i decided to take out and post those tt make me love what i love about my team.
so yeah. :) just to share, and just so i can have some things to look at when i'm away. and reminisce.
******************************************************************************
1. first of all, there are the customary group pics.
above: the before-race group pic.
above: our post-race victory pic!
above: with ntu. the 'no-rivalry/this is what sportswomanship is about' team pic.
above: the full teamnus dragonboat pic with both us and the guys.
2. then there is the barang barang. the stuff tt helps us to win our races. heh heh heh. tradition lah.
above: our beloved paddles. with 'guo da long zhou' proudly emblazoned. :) and yes, the 'izzo' is mine. done in black marker.
above: the customary bak chang offering to qu yuan, god of the river. "we do our best, you do the rest."
3. the funny photos. the ones tt earn us all the 'crazy girls from nus' and the 'si geenas' moniker from everyone else.
above: like wendy and meiping scrambling to take a picture with the zheng he boat.
above: or the increasing number of tattooed girls in the team. heh.
4. last but not least, the things tt we do as a team tt set us apart from other teams. tt makes us special. tt makes us what we are.
above: watching races together.
above: and walking together.
above: the tradition of throwing the captain and vice-captain at the end of every race.
above: having a post-race meal feast of food tt *no one* can finish together.
above and below: the 'sitting in 1 row' tradition. from june race to july race. as long as it's the marina promenade underneath the benjamin sheares bridge. you will have us.
and most of all...
and...
sweat. blood. blisters. pain. laughter. tears. sorrow. anger. elation. passion. dedication. drive. rowing for each other.
now playing: hotel costes - cafe de flor
so yeah. :) just to share, and just so i can have some things to look at when i'm away. and reminisce.
******************************************************************************
1. first of all, there are the customary group pics.
above: the before-race group pic.
above: our post-race victory pic!
above: with ntu. the 'no-rivalry/this is what sportswomanship is about' team pic.
above: the full teamnus dragonboat pic with both us and the guys.
2. then there is the barang barang. the stuff tt helps us to win our races. heh heh heh. tradition lah.
above: our beloved paddles. with 'guo da long zhou' proudly emblazoned. :) and yes, the 'izzo' is mine. done in black marker.
above: the customary bak chang offering to qu yuan, god of the river. "we do our best, you do the rest."
3. the funny photos. the ones tt earn us all the 'crazy girls from nus' and the 'si geenas' moniker from everyone else.
above: like wendy and meiping scrambling to take a picture with the zheng he boat.
above: or the increasing number of tattooed girls in the team. heh.
4. last but not least, the things tt we do as a team tt set us apart from other teams. tt makes us special. tt makes us what we are.
above: watching races together.
above: and walking together.
above: the tradition of throwing the captain and vice-captain at the end of every race.
above: having a post-race meal feast of food tt *no one* can finish together.
above and below: the 'sitting in 1 row' tradition. from june race to july race. as long as it's the marina promenade underneath the benjamin sheares bridge. you will have us.
and most of all...
and...
sweat. blood. blisters. pain. laughter. tears. sorrow. anger. elation. passion. dedication. drive. rowing for each other.
