Thursday, March 17, 2005
Recovering My Past #19: March 17 - April 2 2005
As of now, I wish to switch back to Blogspot. But I don't wish to lose all that I have worked for so far. So I will attempt to salvage as much of my past as I possibly can.
Wish me luck.
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LAST WATER TRAINING I just had yet another huge quarrel with my mom. When will this ever end? When will they stop picking on me, placing unreasonable expectations on me, getting upset with me over the smallest of incidents, and then subjecting me to a continuous lifetime of guilt-trips? Anyway on the upside today was my last water training. To be honest, I'm no longer in any mood to blog coz I just feel so tired and down and resigned right now. But anyway since Cindy decided to TP today, I've decided to put the team photo (of the people who came) up. Enjoy.
...Mewissa Wabbit!!! | |
I HAVE BACKGROUND BLOG MUSIC!!! Cheap thrill. But after seeing Jane tweak her blog layout around all night last night during our supposed girl bonding session in Wanyi's room (where I was happily dozing off while in the midst of all the gossips), I decided tt I would screw what I said about the irritating nature of background blog music (*ESP* Xanga blog music which cannot be turned off or stopped by the unsuspecting reader... wahaha) and put MY OWN blog music in! Anyway even tho blog music is irritating (don't worry, this won't be a permanent function), I've decided to put up a song (or in future, songs) which I think is of remarkable quality (i.e. quality songs. No, I'm not going to traumatise you with some ancient BSB song), so the trauma shouldn't be so bad. Right now it's the acoustic version of one of my all-time fave songs "Freshmen" by a '90s group known as the Verve Pipe. I hope you'll like it. I am particularly addicted to this version. It makes me so sad I feel like crying sometimes, and in the past when it meant more to me I did. Oh and thanks Sheryl babe for telling me how to upload blog music! *muakz* Happy 21st birthday in advance! Ooh. And yes I will admit: I am: Ooh. I am incredibly high now. Fell asleep during my evening tutorial with Teo Guan Siew. UGH I hate evening tutorials. But boy tt guy gives so much info. My typed-out badly prepared tutorial went from 1.5 pages to 8 pages within 2 hours of his class. Power. Tutorials make me feel like a dumbass. I can read the textbook and the notes and the cases and not know what the hell an automatic transmission of rights is... and then I go for tutorial only to get graciously enlightened. And yes Debbie, going to Law Lib on a Fri night is INDEED a very unattractive proposition. I'm a bit high now. I REFUSE to stay down for long. Am at home waiting for mommy and daddy to come home so we can have PIZZA!!! *excited* *muakz* I love my girls and my mambo whores. P.S. ARGH!!! Jane, Sam how??? I *hate* this kind of creeping knowledge and finding out abt things like this. GRR. SUCKS. P.P.P.S. Leewanyi has acknowledged tt she will trust her friends WITH HER LIFE!!! Whoopee. But seriously babe, I only have 2 things to say to you: 1. Your trust is well-placed. Really (I'm not being ego here. If ever Sheares gets burnt down I will carry you out if I have too (even though you're a head and shoulders taller than me and any attempt to carry you on my back will result in half your body dragging the floor ANYWAY) And I trust my best friends and my good friends and my whores and my girls with my life. I've seen them stick through so much with me. It's hard to think any other way. :) P.P.P.P.S. I have had it with the mistrust, the divisions, the quiet anger and rebellion. What has been said has been said; what needed to be said had been said. From now on no more will be said from me. I just want peace and unity. For me, the shit ends now. For you, I leave it to your discretion. P.P.P.P.P.S. I got this off Popagandhi.com, which got this off TempusFugit. The Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. "You can take a photo of my ass."
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| OF EVERYTHING AND NOTHING This post is one big jumble. But so be it. I came to school from home. Missed my 9am tutorial again. Would have gone for the 11am one except 151 made me wait half-a-fucking-hour for it, such tt as a result, I was obviously way too late to enter the class without being obvious tt I was crashing. KNN. Finalised tt group negotiations report with Debz, Caixia and Alvin. I know I'm going to get hanged if the relevant authorities come to know of this, but I find LCS very pointless. I repeat, very fucking pointless. I find the group negotiations reports thingy very pointless. I find the whole meeting next Tues very pointless. Bloody fucking waste of time. But tt's just my POV. I need to get started on the REAL STUDYING. I know JACK for T & E. I have no notes for Admin. My Consti is pretty much lying in a ditch somewhere. I feel absolutely fucked for my exams right now. And I was trying to get started on my T & E essay in the YIH study room today, and I just couldn't gain any headway. The word count is a measly 1500. 1500!!! And I can't even make up 500 with all the material I have. I'm screwed. I'm seriously fucking screwed. I don't even understand the damn subject. TMD. On another note, I don't know how to behave. I don't know how things are and I really really dare not ask. And it's a lot of pride at stake. I want to smile and say hi, but I don't want to risk being diaoed or put down, esp in front of everyone. And it feels like enemy camps right now, the tense atmosphere. The study room could be like the cold war zone between the Americans and the Soviets, if the damned room wasn't fucking cold enough already. It bothers me. I don't feel tt guilty any more, but bothered I definitely am. So be it for now I guess. But I must admit, even though the event tt occured was very ugly and did cause a lot of hurt and distress and guilt and unhappiness, on the upside besides bringing out a lot of underlying unresolved issues and misconceptions to the surface, it also helped bond me more with some of my teammates. I've never felt as comfortable or as close to them as I do now. Somehow I just know tt in the boat, I would trust them with my life. I mean, I already do, but this time it feels like conviction, not just awareness. I'm quite happy about tt. Even though the feeling of having woken up from lalaland is disconcerting. Ignorance was bliss. Complete total innocent bliss. Waking up from the dream to hard reality makes one a little more skeptical, a little more wary, but at the same time I'm glad for the realness and the genuineness tt I have thus discovered. I was reflecting on the past 3 races tt we'd competed in; last year's June Race, the River Regatta, and the MR 500. Someone once said tt you would never know what it would be like to be a dragonboater, until you rowed the PM Cup. Obviously he was a guy. For us, we don't have a PM Cup. I suppose we can argue for gender equality and try to push for a PM Cup (Women's) for the upcoming race, but I don't think tt NUS even has the resources (i.e. manpower... I mean womanpower) to send a full team down for a PM Cup. And no, a 10-man PM Cup doesn't cut it. We'd just keel overboard and drown from exhaustion. So for us, the culmination of the year is the June Race (or July Race... which sounds absolutely ridiculous to me). And it's true. For the juniors who have had yet to experience it, the July Race is a totally different experience. Right now for our races we might be 1 boat, 1 stroke. We might have the power, we might have the timing, we might have the stroke, but right now we are still lacking the most important thing to a rower: the heart. It sounds cheesy, the tagline. "1 Boat 1 Stroke 1 Heart". When I first saw it I went through an exercise of eye-rolling. But having trained up for a June Race and having rowed in tt June Race, I have come to realise the importance of tt heart. It's different. It's very different. If you think you've had an experience in the RR or the MR 500, you cannot begin to imagine what the June Race will hold. It's the training tt leads up to the June Race. Where we see each other so often tt we inevitably get sick of seeing each other. We row, we train, we run, we SUFFER, we eat, we nua, we fall asleep on the bus together (in tt nice unglam manner)... and we develop a cHeMiStRy. We learn to love each other, for all our differences, for all our disparities, even when we might not all understand each other or be on the same wavelength or even speak the same language. We learn to believe in each other. And we learn the meaning of carrying each other's weight. Right now it's just a phrase. A knowledge. To carry each other's wight. Come July it won't be a knowledge any longer. It will be a conviction. We can only hope. 1 Boat, 1 Heart. When we stop thinking of ourselves as individual rowers, when we stop craving the medals and the self-interested glories, and when we acknowledge tt we really are one team, we really are sisters, and we really are one heart. Cheesy I know. So many won't understand it now. I hope tt they will grow to understand it in time forJuly. I suppose what helped us last June Race was also our need to defend ourselves and our pride. Let's face it, the female team has always faced gender discrimination. It's not even something unique to NUS. In dragonboat, the ladies have a history of being overlooked or underestimated, and it's no secret. The school defininitely overlooks us. When it comes to acknowledgement, they've made it no secret tt they only acknowledge our brother team. "The PM Cup... and other events." "Oh no. We can't give the girls the funds for this or tt programme... only the guys can get the funding." How their cheerleaders and photographers come only in time to catch the main event... and everything else - whatever else might have been important to say, the girls... - is just brushed away with the wave of the hand. The girls have to constantly fight to get what we want from the school. We've never had their backing. If we never win anything, we will continue to be overlooked from the school. Our brother team has had a history of looking down on us. Maybe it's because we don't have a PM Cup. Maybe it's because our team is so much smaller than theirs. Maybe it's because we look the way we do. We get the "half-man" comparisons, but we don't seem to get the respect. We get gossiped about when we try to be friendly. We get nicely insulted by snide remarks made during mixed training. Like I said, fortunately this bias seems to be a trademark of the older generation, such tt the younger one has (hopefully) not caught on to this disease yet. But still. It gives us so much to have to prove. We feel like we cannot afford to be friendly or nice or soft, because if we were to do so we would get bitched about as being say, after a guy or something (like we are really tt desperate). And even tho it might not matter to all of us I will tell you honestly, it matters to me. My reputation matters to me. We have to be hard, we have to act dao. Sometimes I don't want to. I'm sick and tired of all this internal tension and rivalry. I really am. It's not tt I don't care, because I do. I don't like an unfriendly atmosphere. I don't like the fact tt I can say Hi to everyone in law school, or even hall, or even just acquaintances I see around NUS, even when I barely know them or have never spoken to them for months or even before... but I can't even say Hi to my brother team. We just dao each other. It's like pre-empting a dao from the other side and therefore attacking with one yourself. It's not tt I am dao or anything. I just don't know how (else) to behave. And then there are the other schools, NTU, the other polys. I think NUS sort of made a fantastic impression during tt eventful Chinese Garden Race where we probably made sure the other schools would never take us seriously again. That was the impression we gave, and tt was the feeling we got on race day. Derision. Hostile derision. Even the race announcer was a biased prick. And everything just made us strive to do better. We couldn't rely on anyone except ourselves. Even our coach had gone AWOL during the most crucial period of our training. If not for our then-captain Serene, we would not have been able to make it through. It was her own coaching, her pushing of the team, tt really did the make-or-break. It was our own efforts, our own desperate need to prove tt our team was not a walkover, to prove to others tt we could do it without the school, the guys, or even our own coach, tt drove us to fight like our lives depended on it. The Heart performed tt miracle, almost one year ago. Maybe things might be a little different now. Maybe the school is less biased against us, thanks to Seetow and his efforts. Maybe our brother team is more reasonable, thanks to a more reasonable, or at least less egoistic captain. But we should never assume tt we can rely on either to be there for us. They have never really been and they can never really be when the time comes. We have no one else but ourselves to depend on. In a small side note: I confronted a piece of the past tt used to trouble me for a long long time. And I've realised tt there is no more effect. I am my own person, I have my own control, again. It was never my loss. In another note, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes we find out disturbing things about the people tt are dear to us. But when we are so affected, we should realise tt they deserve to know tt we are affected. And tt we deserve to know the truth. Sometimes the fear of being hurt is real, and it's there, but I've come to realise tt keeping everything to ourselves will make us feel worse because our imagination can run wild and put all sorts of doubts and upsetting thoughts into our heads. I believe the truth isn't as bad as it seems, and I believe tt even if it were, we deserve to know it and about the kind of person tt we love. We should never cut tt person slack, we should never blame ourselves for our own insecurities when we damn well realise tt tt person put them all there in the first place by not being honest with us, for hiding things from us, and for not doing things to reassure us of our worth and for taking us for granted. I feel tt even though we might love tt person so much tt we dare no lose tt person, we should never keep blaming ourselves, or trying to accomodate, or being the perfect submissive one, just because. I think tt tt person shows no respect for us if tt person continues behaving the way he does, and to be honest I think tt tt deserves a damn good telling-off. Maybe coz I'm the objective outsider, so I tend to see things more clearly without the cloak of emotions. But tt's just me. If he has no respect for you, if he can't be sincere to you, if he doesn't take the time or energy to show to you tt you are valued, if he takes you for granted, if he acts like a jerk, then is what you're doing to yourself really worth it? | |
SCARS ARE SOUVENIRS YOU NEVER LOSE I've used this line often. It's taken off tt song 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls. I am a blog addict. The more unhappy I am about something, the more I blog it. My day today started out very badly. I couldn't sleep much last night. I was very troubled. And I guess we should all know why. As a result, I didn't attend any of my classes today. Know I wouldn't be able to stay awake or concentrate, esp considering who my lecturers are. I went straight back to hall from home and attempted to do some studying. I guess it's of no use. I can only get studying done at YIH or at least at Law, but never in my own room where I have all my materials, but also my bed and free reign over my comp.Plus like I said, I couldn't concentrate. Even as the fingers grasping my highlighter were going over the lines defining administrative law, my mind was a world apart. I went to talk to Johnny at TH around 3-something, just to get things off my chest. And I needed a guy's perspective, one tt was more objective, more rational, and less emotional. I can't believe how much I'm blaming myself. I guess no one else would know it as much as I do, but the amount of guilt tt I feel is phenomenal. That's why I'm willing to go to such lengths to atone, even if it might look like I'm subjugating my pride or grovelling or something to tt extent. Sometimes when you know you're wrong you know tt at some point you have to stop being proud and stop being defensive. His advice to me was to give things time. Now there's nothing tt I can do except wait for him to cool off. Anything further will only irritate. I understand. Somehow it's almost frightening how much I suddenly don't want to lose this friendship. It makes me wonder why, what is the driving force behind my desperation. But at the same time talking to Johnny made me feel a lot better. He helped reassure me, and not just about the friendship, but about other things as well. His bunnies are SO CUTE. They are abt 2 weeks old and so small and furry. And I think (or hope) they like me. The gray one loves to lick/nibble/bite on my fingers. And the black one is so active it keeps running around on his bed. And they are both so tiny you can hold them in the palm of your hands. Talking while playing with the bunnies is an exercise in multi-tasking, but the wabbits are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny's neighbours actually came by to play with his wabbits. It's quite amusing to see 2 fully-grown men sitting on the floor of Johnny's room each clasping a wabbit in their hands and stroking the head and making cooing baby noises about how cute the bunnies are. And I also re-watched the June Race video (again) as well as tt MR 500 video tt James did for the team. Which included the "We can give 100%... but we want to drag... 80-85%... focus 10-15 m to the font" quotes.. hahaha hilarious. And the 'newspaper article' abt "tough training". Ultimate himboland!!! Obviously we talked abt a few other things, but one thing I must say. The whole incident has highlighted to me the kind of miscommunication and misunderstandings tt exist between the guys' and girls' teams. There is a lot of misconception about how each is being run by the other, and the failure to fully comminucate has resulted in a few issues tt can be resolved but are not. No, even though maybe the senior batch of guys may have just seen us girls as passengers in the boat, it's not the blanket view of the entire team. The guys may have been a lot of things; irritating, insensitive, but the general feeling is not as disparaging of the girls as we might like to think. Maybe sometimes we are trying too hard to prove ourselves, when the need was never as great as we thought it was. Sometimes it's not about proof, but about communication, understanding and therefore mutual respect. But we acknowledge. It's not easy. Each has their own personal interests to protect. Each has to be self-preservative and self-protective first. But sometimes maybe explanation might work better than none at all; maybe then we might save the tempers flaring, the ugliness, and the guilt tt follows. It takes someone who's objective to see the big picture. Thanks bro. I explained tt sometimes certain people don't see things from the other side. Sometimes it's not easy being in a certain position where you feel like you have to fight and protect and defend all the time. Where you feel tt it's your duty to face up to the pressures and expectations, to upkeep the reputation, to command the respect, to get things done and to see things through. It's not easy. It's stressful, you make enemies, you get worked up, you feel more intensely the feelings of guilt, of disappointment, of frustration, and it's a thankless job. Sometimes it takes compromise from the other side, a willingness to hold the pride for a moment and be objective, to bridge the gaps between 2 worlds. Sometimes our image is not as bad as we think it is. Sometimes to emotional, angry, unthinking words of one person may not be the same as the thoughts of others around him. But nevertheless, it is an image tt we have to protect. It's our pride, and our team. It matters. We shouldn't throw it away. Try to draw the line between interest and duty. Never let both conflict. Sometimes the choices we make are hard. I chose team over friend. And I never knew it would hurt so much. But sometimes when it boils down to it and you have to make tt choice, if you really consider yourself a member of the team, you have to do the same. There's no such thing as being a selective member of the team; being loyal to the team when you feel like it (eg. when you row) and preferring your own interests over those of the team's at other times. You are a member of the team. Whatever you do reflects on the team. Even if and when you think it doesn't, it does. Whatever impression you give people as a dragonboater is the impression you give people of the team. If you don't behave seriously, no one is going to take the team seriously. If you aren't loyal to the team, but would rather go off and do your own thing, then how do you expect the team to command respect from others? If you present the original girl image to others, then you are an insult to the team. BTW. Thanks Johnny, for being such a loyal friend to me. I really appreciate it. Speaking of which, I gave Johnny my blog address. Qicong had already told him tt my blog was surprisingly vulgar with all the "fucks" here and there. And I guess it's true, a lot of girls don't really blog the way I blog, even those who are more vulgar than me. Even a lot of guys refrain from blogging the way I blog. But like I've said time and again, it's about honesty. This blog is where I put down what I think. Even if I censor myself talking to people such tt not a single "fuck" comes out of my mouth, I don't really censor my thoughts on this blog. Besides, I feel tt vulgarities bring out the intensity of an emotion better. For example, if I say tt I am "fucking pissed", you know tt I am not just angry, not just very angry, but rather boiling-mad VERY ANGRY. When I say tt something is "fucking beautiful", I mean not just beautiful or very beautiful, but rather "OMG I can't speak from the awe" type VERY BEAUTIFUL. And when I tell someone to "fuck off", it def means tt I'm a lot angrier with tt person than if I just said "piss off" or "go away". You get what I mean? So yesh. Then Qiaoling came up and I joined them at TH for dinner. So fun, pretending to be a TH hostelite again. Gosh. And I never even have dinner in my own comm hall! Wahaha. After tt I went for a second dinner with Jane. We went to Holland V, and of course I explained to her why I was so down - she's one of my best friends anyway - and I got her POV abt my actions from her position as the captain of SWET. Of course, we spoke abt a lot of other things too. I've lost count of the number of times she's told me tt I'm going to hell for being a bitch. Gosh, I've always been one, but I know I've never been so much of one till a new friend brought tt side out in me, including the PRC/native Indian/Vietnamese hating one too. I finally satisfied my craving for hot waffles with peanut butter ice-cream at Swensen's! Izzy is a happier girl. But still... Babe. I don't like where things are going and I don't like feeling the way I do. Like I said on one hand it's good coz there's closure, but at the same time it makes me scared all over again. But thanks for being here and talking to me. I love ya babe. *muakz* And I'm glad tt Jason's making you happy. :) P.S. Thanks to all my girls for all the care and concern showed upon me, for asking me how I am, for reassuring me tt everything will be fine, for sending me kind and thoughtful messages tt bring a smile to my face. *hugz* I thank God for each and everyone of you. | |
| MR 500 - THE RACES Even though I feel like shit now, nevertheless I'll post up some more of the photoooooooos tt I got from the weekend. Exciting, and for your perusal. 1. The mixed event.  I love the above pic actually. It was taken just before we headed out. Some look happy, others (like yours truly. heh) look cool in shades... and uh, some look shell-shocked. No comments on tt. :)  Okay... heading out. "Paddles ready?"  "Paddles up!"  And lastly, heading back. Uniform timing. 2. The Women's Open.  "Paddles Up!" 3. Lecture by David.  4. Watching the races.   5. Prize-giving ceremony  Melissa receiving the IVP medals from Seetow.  Melissa's unglam shot! Wahahahahahahaha.  Acrobatic stunt! 6. The requisite team photo.  I fought and still fight for you because I love you. Though I have faced so many disappointments and set-backs, I have never deserted you. I choose you over so many other aspects of my life, made so many sacrifices for you, whether I say it or keep it to myself. And I've never regreted a single one because of what you mean to me. I just wish the sacrifices didn't hurt me, or made me hurt others, so much sometimes. *********************************************************** P.S. The Retrospect dance poster is STILL up on the door on Level 6 even though the CMB concert was over on 16 March... Uh, is anyone going to take it down? It's bad enough tt my face is on tt poster, someone's happily arrowed my face and written an "Izzy" next to it. And now one more person has written another "Izzy" on it... and Shao Guoyong did you write my chinese name next to my head as well??? Talk abt negative publicity. | |
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD Or to me, it rings empty, because sorry is never what I've felt more or meant more when I said it, but knowing that the damage is irrevocable and unlike a contract where there may be compensation to assuage the harm caused, sorry just doesn't seem like enough. Nor will it ever be. It sucks like hell (only because I can't think of any other way to say this) to be wrong, and to KNOW that you are wrong. I admit tt. Having the anger clear and the blinding film of red lifted from my eyes, having had tt self-righteous indignation tt assumed I had the God-given right to do what I had and to treat someone as less than human fizzle out into nothing, the sheer wrong-ness has hit me hard in the stomach. I feel so bad now tt it's like a break-up. The pain of knowing tt you've hurt someone (and the realisation tt the someone actually mattered, and more so, tt you were wrong abt tt someone and tt someone actually VALUED you) is like this knot at the pit of your stomach tt you can't get rid of. And you can try to apologise over and over and over again and take everything tt the person has to say to you afterward, no matter how hurtful or insulting or degrading or vindictive it is, but you know it's never going to be enough. Conceptually, I never wronged you. I've thought through it time and time again, and still I feel tt what you did was wrong. What you did was immature, arrogant and pre-sumptuous, that you had to right to throw your weight around or to tell me what you think without any real grounds for saying the slanderous things you did. You derserved a good telling-off. You derserved my anger, my shouting at you. But you didn't deserve what we gave you, in the end. It's like sentencing a robber to death. Robbery is wrong, it's a criminal offence. If there's assault it's violent and it harms people. Robbers deserve to be sentenced to jail for deterrence and rehabiliatation. And to analogize, you were like a robber in the sense tt you did wrong. But at the same time we didn't sentence you to jail, we sentenced you to hang. The punishment was way out of proportion to the crime. Maybe when I was so blinded by rage I refused to consider the consequences, how you would feel, everything, but seeing your face I admit tt I know pain when I see it. I know tt I am the one mostly to blame. I am the one who misjudged you, who saw you for something worse than you are. I wish I hadn't made those judgements. They were not irrational, and to me I believe I had grounds to base them on, but in retrospect tt makes me no different from you, now does it? And if tt is the case then my so-called mandate or God-given right was completely empty and hollow. I am the one who chose to do what I thought I had to do. I'd weighed out everything and I chose one entity over the other. I knew tt I was making the wrong move, my conscience nagged me, but I refused to listen, driven by the righteous presumption tt I was right. That we were right and tt you were scum. It's impossible to reverse time. If I could have I probably would want to do things differently. But I know it's too late now. Words once spoken, can never be taken back. Things once done, can never be undone. The hurt once caused, may never be reversed. I won't pretend tt nothing happened because I know damn well it did. I know tt I was wrong in the biggest way for a betrayal and for subjecting you to the kind of humiliation I did. I know you will think it contrived, but I do want to make it up to you, if only to assuage my guilt (selfishness again). I don't know what I want from you now. I expected you to completely end the friendship, because it wouldn't have been surprising if you had had. I was hoping for you to blow up at me, to scold me to vent your anger at me, because I know I deserved it. But you didn't. You were calm. You said you were deeply hurt. Yes, you were sarcastic, and you said things tt were even more hurtful than on Monday, but I know tt they stemmed from your own genuine hurt and from your own battered pride, and I know I deserved every last word, for not having treated you as human enough. They say tt time heals all wounds. I don't believe tt. Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far. I've borne enough scars to know tt for a fact. There's a rift, and no matter what I do or however much time has passed, it will always be there. And it makes me sad, about the person tt I am, tt I had the capacity to hurt someone enough to alienate him, and tt I actually did it. A part of me actually wished tt you would at least tell me tt our friendship was history. Maybe then it would have been clean and I could take the whole entire blow and just try to move on. Right now it's like a middle ground. On one hand I'm grateful tt you are giving it a second chance, tt you haven't lost all your faith in me yet. But on the other the fact tt things will never be the same again, and to know tt the pain was caused by my own selfish unseeing pride, it's like a knife in the heel of your ankle tt can never be removed. It's not obvious, and maybe it's not vital, and maybe it's not even death-inducing unless you bleed to death, but it's there. It's there, and it hurts and stings forever and ever and it never goes away. I rem the friends tt I've already had to let go because of all the stupid selfish things I did. I thought I was past tt. That I was mature enough and sensible enough to keep the friends tt mattered to me. I guess maturity does not always come with age. I guess the pride and the obstinacy have never left. I just wish I didn't have to know this the hard way, and at your expense. | |
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry | |
| I never thought I'd say this, but I feel so fucking bad right now tt I can't even describe the emotions going through me. | |
THE LEGALITIES OF DRAGONBOAT Joining the teamNUS Dragonboat team is the equivalent of voluntarily entering into a fiduciary relationship with the principal (which is the team). We can establish that a (fact-based) fiduciary relationship arises the moment a member (henceforth known as the fiduciary) becomes a part of the team. This arises out of the facts that: (a) the now teammate is in a position of power and or discretion (i.e. through her behaviour within and without the team, her rowing for trainings and race, her representations to the outside world and third parties about the nature of the team, her attendence record and her perfornance during race days) that may affect the team by conferring a benefit or a detriment to it, such that she (b) is in a position of influence over the team (i.e. whatever she says or does may affect the team spirit/morale or even reputation), and (c) she has received confidential information about the team (i.e. race strategies, secrets shared within the team that should remain within the team, trust from the rest of the team, etc). As such, a teammate owes an obligation of loyalty to the team. As a fiduciary she is to put the interests of the team first and foremost above everything else, and she must subjucate her own interests and prefer the team's interests above those of her own. Her fiduciary duties to the team include: (a) a duty of good faith (not to act mala fide or in a way that intentionally jeopardises the well-being of the team); (b) a duty not to make a profit/benefit for herself or any third parties at the expense of the team; and (c) a duty not to prefer her own interests over those of the teams, or the duty not to place herself in a position of conflict of interest and duty. If she does any of the above in any way, she will have breached her fiduciary obligations to the team, unless she is able to prove the mitigating factors of (a) consent; (b) exclusion clauses, or (c) Chinese Walls. If she is unable to prove any of the above, then under the law of equity she is told hold whatever property she gained at the detriment of the team on constructive trust for the team. But because dragonboat deals with people, not property, I supposed we may distinguish the team from the law of equity per se. As such, a breach of a fiduciary duty to the team should only result in expulsion. | |
GO FUCK A SPIDER You're probably only going to be able to fit one anyway. Fuck. I'm damn fucking pissed. If 1 guy has ever had the power to turn me into an all-out man-hater, this guy has got to be it. And I thought we were close friends. I never ever till now expected you to say the things you did. Never. How dare you. How dare you come and impose your own narrow-minded self-centred judgements on US? You know what? Fuck you. So you're upset coz you got taken out of the Men's Opens to row in the Mixed, and as a result you don't have the same gold medal tt the others have. You lost out on tt medal and you think it's rightly yours. Fine. But you know what? Why blame us girls for it? Who the fuck gave you the goddamn right to push the blame to US for not winning a medal? Hello? Fine, I admit. David can be a fucking ass, and he may and has said the worst possible things at the worst possible times. I don't like him all tt much, and I damn well don't agree with him or hang on to every fucking word he says like some starry-eyed puppy, coz I know wha he's like. And I strongly agree tt he shouldn't have said what he said yesterday. But to blame EVERYTHING on him... "No fire in the boat. NO FIRE." WTF? Have you so little faith in your own guys tt you think tt their moral will be brought down by the ignorant words of one little man? Do you think your guys are really tt stupid, tt malleable? I would prefer to think not. And please, it's not like your guys didn't cock up. I got some idiot giving me a Martin Luther King speech on the way to the starting line up. I had another parroting the damn coach in saying things tt should have been ingrained into each and every rower by now. If you still need to be reminded about what to do for race at the starting line-up, then my friend you are in no fucking condition to go for race at all. And what's with the "We are a machine!" quote for God's sake? You think we steam ship got engine is it? WTF. I never heard the coxswain call for a last charge. The front pack started charging all on our own, and we gave it our all. Your 4 guys and my 4 girls, and apparently the chrage was "good" even tho the whole boat wasn't even charging coz by the time the girls heard the last Hard 10 they were 10 m from the finishing point. And then there is the case of the rower who stopped rowing, missed strokes, couldn't follow timing, and had his paddle collide with the rowers in front and behind. And hello? I rowed my heart out for tt set. My lungs were ready to burst, my arms and back were screaming in protest, and I gave it my all. And I'm sure my girls did too. We gave tt set our best. But nooooooooo. What do you say to tt? You say tt David is a cockster. He's useless. As a result, OUR TRAINING IS SLACK. I repeat, our training is slack. It doesn't matter tt we have warm-up row sessions straight to Esplanade and back. It doesn't matter tt some of us train till our injuries are fucking rampant. No, because our coach is slack, therefore our training is slack. Excuse me. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU to come and tell us tt our training is slack? Have you ever attended a single training of ours? Have you? No? Well, maybe you should try since you're not good enough for the main team anyway, so you should just jump over. Anyway the (lack of) size is already there, so you can definitely fit in. You tell us to change coach. You think it's so easy to change coach is it? Just because you're not happy with our coach, we must change our coach to suit you? Have you ever considered the rest of the team welfare? This is more than just about you or your fucking ego or what you want for yourself. The team is the team and everyone actually matters, if tt hasn't struck you already. You keep saying tt the girls don't consider your guys' juniors or how hard they've worked for this mixed event. Get a life. You're just talking about yourself coz you can't accept the fact tt you got relegated and you couldn't even win anything then. Have you ever really considered the welfare of your juniors in the first place? I still rem last River Regatta. Mixed event as usual the girls took the even seriously. We sent down both seniors and juniors regardless of standard. We rowed our best and we even CARRIED THE WEIGHT OF SOME OF YOUR GUYS in the event. It was resistance training for US. And what did you do? You sent in your worst rowers. You never even went down and supported them. Not a single senior went down to support the juniors except the captain. Some seniors didn't even know the NAMES of their juniors. You never even went for so many trainings yourself coz it never mattered to you. And who was it who told me tt he's selective about the juniors he bonds with? That he only chooses to get close to those whom he feel will benefit the team? Fucking hypocrite. That's all I can say. You never cared for your juniors then so please don't give me this shit about you caring for them now. And tt the girls don't care for your juniors (and in the first place we're not their fucking MOTHERS. We have no obligation to care for their well-being or anything for tt matter). The only person you ever cared about is yourself. And the only reason you totally blasted me is because of your totally deflated ego, now isn't tt right? You don't even have to deny it coz SK already told me tt you were upset tt you were taken out of Opens to row for Mixed. And then you say what exactly? You say tt my captain has no influence over the team. Why? Because she lets David choose the starting line-up, such tt we don't know who rows for what till before the event itself? Hello? It's not like Melissa has no say over who the coach chooses, because she does! Because she doesn't "bitch" our coach openly the way you apparently bitch yours openly? Is there a problem with diplomacy? You know what team morale and team spirit means, I hope? You understand the meaning of respect right? You know what? Fuck you. How dare you say something like tt. You don't know the team at all, you don't know how we fucking run. You don't know a damn thing about how Melissa manages the team. It's not easy being the captain, although you'll never know tt coz as far as I can see you've proven yourself unworthy of the post, and she has handled it the best way she can. All of us have respect for and completely support her decisions, so how dare YOU who know absolutely jack come and tell ME tt my captain has no influence?! Fuck off. I really think you should just go fuck off and die now. How dare you. And you say tt you consider her a friend. How dare you say something like tt about someone you consider a friend? Was your friendship with her forged solely because of her position in the team? Coz tt is the impression tt you're giving me. And how dare you say things like this about my best friend to me. God if you had the balls you'd damn well go and say tt to her face now. And then you say tt we don't take you seriously coz your captain told us apparently tt he wanted one mixed training... ONE mixed training, 2 weeks before the race, and my captain rejected him 3 times. Hello? He told us to train on a Sunday. A Sunday when so many people cannot make it. And he tells us tt we can just train mixed for 1 hour and land for the rest. And then he wants us to train to accomodate HIS FUCKING SCHEDULE. Who the fuck do you think you are? We cannot always accomodate your schedule. We have our own LIVES outside of dragonboat. We came to NUS to get a fucking degree, not to row our lives away. We have lessons, and the Thurs before the race so many people had lessons. And you think it's all about YOUR TEAM. Just because we don't accomodate you we're not serious about racing. Fuck you man just fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you are, tt WE should accomodate your fucking schedules? Who the fuck do you think you are, tt we should send down girls on non-training days to train SPECIALLY for your guys and not conduct training ourselves? You say you just need 8. You understand tt the line-up is NOT FIXED??? Which 8? They might not row in mixed eventually. And for goodness sake wake up your fucking idea lah! It's not like we were being unreasonable. Melissa TRIED HER FUCKING HARDEST to get us down on Sun and Thurs. She asked us whether we could skip lessons and everything, and you know tt people actually cannot just anyhow skip their lessons. And you say tt Jiahe gets you down by threatening tt if you don't come for training, you get pulled up from the boat. Well, if tt's the case and you can turn up for training more easily than us, then WHY NOT JUST FUCKING TRAIN ON *OUR* TRAINING DAYS? If we can't accomodate you, why can't you just accomodate us? No, you give stupid reasons like: "Oh, we need to taper." "Oh, we can't row two days in a row." What are you, fucking PANSIES? So just because you can't row 2 days in a row means WE CAN? FYI *I* rowed 2 days in a row to accomodate YOUR mixed training, so fuck tt. You can't even accomodate us and then you turn around and label us selfish just coz we can't accomodate you. Wake up your fucking idea lah! This world doesn't revolve around you. And so you say tt the girls' team don't take training seriously. You call us a RECRE SPORTS CLUB PLAY ACT THINGY for the above 2 reasons. Is tt what we are to you? You haven't attended a single training, you don't know how we give our heart and soul for each and every race. But just because your ego is fucking deflated, you say things like tt. And then you have the cheek to tell me tt Melissa runs the team inefficiently just because she needs more advance notice about attendence for training. "Oh no, Jiahe just gives us 2 days advance notice." Hello? I'm speaking to the guy who skips training for fun so tt he can go study in the library. At least our attendence record is miles better than yours. So now your solution? I try to tell you tt if there is a problem and we recognise it, we should work to solve it. Like foster more communication, train earlier, SOMETHING. But NO, you say "let it be". You don't care. You don't give a damn. You're just never going to row mixed again, and tt if Jiahe tells you to row mixed again you're just going to quit the team. You know what? Fucking quit the team then! I can't believe you. Any grain of respect tt I had for you before as a friend, as a rower and as a teammate, is gone. Completely gone. Why did you even bother befriending me as a friend in the first place? You have absolutely no respect for me as a friend, or my team at all, to have said something so completely untrue, untested, unjustified, and completely biased. You've displayed nothing but childish petulant immaturity at your own insecurities and ego problems and taken it all out on us. I thought you were different, I thought you were nice, rational, clear-headed, but today you've showed me tt you're no different from the rest of the chauvinistic egoistic cavemen tt make up the guys' team. You're narrow-minded, you're so self-centred tt you can't see past your own ego to consider anyone else, and you've never taken us girls seriously at all. Deep inside you're just a spoilt little brat with too big an ego and too small a dick to do anything about it. I started off this post completely pissed and angry at all the things you'd said and the fucking insensitive disrespectful way you say it. But I end this post no longer angry, just disappointed tt my judgement was so wrong, and pitying, tt you're the kind of person tt you are. I guess tt ends the friendship. My girls matter more to me than a selfish arrogant egoistic immature small-minded ball-less prick. On second thought, yeah. Go fuck tt spider. It'll give you something more to do than whatever else you're doing anyway. | |
Monday, March 28, 2005
| Fuck. I CANNOT talk to guys when their goddamned egos are in the way and are obstructing the way their brains work. Fucking irritated. Trying to be conciliatory also cannot. Fucking thick-headed bloody egoistic male specimen. BAH. And I thought *men* were the fucking rational ones. Finished my Equity and Trusts test. Woke up at 8.15am to do the damn thing (having overslept coz I was SO FUCKIN TIRED) and finished it by 9.15am... 1,464 words. Wow. Good thing there's no word limit. Then went for Public Law lecture only to totally fall asleep. Dammit man. I'm supposed to be back in hall so I can get a good rest. I regret coming on MSN. Can't believe how fucking worked up I am now. ARGH!!!! Screw you!!! Fuck all guys!!! | |
| MR 500 One of the reasons I blog almost every day about the events tt occured in the day itself, is because in the objective of diary-writing - which is the recollection of the important/significant events of the day -, I don't want to wait and then forget everything. For tt reason, even though I'm dead tired coz I've slept only 5 hours last night and haven't had the chance to recover tt sleep coz after the race I had to fulfil my daughterly duties of doing housework in helping my mom to prepare for dinner and later wash dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen etc; I had a race weekend which therefore means I'm overwhelmed and tired, period; I still have my test to do by tonight and I need to get started on the fucking READINGS, let alone do the damn test itself... But I need to get this all down ASAP. Yeah, so I've got my priorities wrong again. Hopefully I can dynamo later and catch up on my sleep-debt after my Public Law lecture tomorrow. So yesh, MR 500. Where do I begin? Day 1: - Was the heats. We met at the Entrance of Macritchie Reservoir at 8.30am. NICE. I love having 3 direct buses tt go to Macritchie in about 20 min. Waking up unreasonably early is not tt big a problem for me. Oh, did I mention I'd uploaded the photos? For my teammates, the photos are accessible at http://photobucket.com/albums/y90/izzofizzo/. Yeah, I named it after Mona Lisa's wunderful nickname for me. You can go download the photos you want. Collection's quite small but I'm waiting for the others to be uploaded. Anyway Meiping was a bit high in the morning, so she uh... decided to take a picture of me and chocolate bread. And me being the self-proclaimed photo whore, gladly obliged.  So yesh, chocolate bread is yummy, and chocolate bread is nice. But though I bought it for the team... I pref raisin actually. Ah Ping and Cindy played around a little with the camera, and then when everyone came we headed for our place in the sun... I mean shade by the reservoir. We got some slopy spot, and proceeded to do the usual; mix glucose, consume breakfast, and TP™. TP™ is btw, a trademark of Cindy. It means "take picture", and after months of Cindy's announcements of "TP! TP!" almost every training, it has been accepted into the Coxford... I mean team dictionary of strange vocabulary (along with "guys and girl"; "do our best shot" "corrosion" "no retrieve" and other assorted Daviders). So yar, TP.  Me and Cindy. The two obtrusive fingers are Geok's btw. We weren't really smiling; more like grimacing/laughing (I think). Oh gosh, I have eyebags. Then we did warm-ups with David and the respective rowers were selected for the Opens/Mixed Heats. Yunshan was my partner. David put me in the backpack. Sometimes I don't understand him. I feel like the chapalang interchangeable rower sometimes. He can put me anywhere from the second pair to the last man. Am I really tt versatile? Isn't it tt in different parts of the boat you put in effort a little differently; i.e. in the front pack your emphasis is on your catch; in the mid-pack you have to pull fast; and in the back-pack you have to pull as long as possible? And somehow I have to do all three as well? HMM. But yesh, Yunshan was my partner. David calls her our strongest rower, and she's one of the rowers tt I have nothing but respect for. She's damn strong, damn steady, and she gives her all in the boat, and yet outside of the boat she's still the nicest friendliest warmest girl you'll ever know! Wahaha. It's so easy to like Miss Sam. :)  Ooh... Anyway here's the pic with Geok! I love Geok. Damn fun talking to her too! :) The self-proclaimed slacker but damn powerful xiao3 niu2 (small cow) in the boat; she is one power rower!  And how can I forget?  Me and Mona. 'Nuff said. (Incidentally, I proclaimed loudly to her on Fri tt I was racist. I didn't like PRCs and Indians. And she was so insulted coz I'd forgotten tt she was half-Indian! But well, when it comes to Melissa I love her (and her mom too!!!) just the way she is. Ugh. I don't think I can dig myself out of the hole I've plunked myself in, but let's just say my friendship with her transcends skin colour. *MUAKZ* Love you babe.) Anyway on to the races: we got 2nd for our Opens Heats. Fuck. Lost out to NTU by about 3 seats (I think). Had something to do with ***************** (sorry, cannot say here. exercise of censorship), but a bit fucked up to find tt out the hard way. Then came Mixed in the afternoon. Haha. Now tt was strange. NUS was in Lane 2 and some other boat in Lane 1. And what happened was one of the boats in the 5th lane(???) did an amazing race route of cutting from the 5th lane all the way through the other lanes to the 1st lane to out of the race course, thereby disrupting the races of 2 other boats in the process... And therefore NUS came in 1st by default with some other boat behind it. Talk about drama-mama. Ooh. But anyway as we were watching the Mixed Race from the sidelines: we were trying to TP somemore. I realise tt I cannot TPs myself. My arms are too short. Group photos look like this:  When they should be looking like this:  Latter pic's taken by Geok. She has longer arms. TMD. I am envious. Means dipping in is easier for her than me. Anyway this is Geok me and Pinxiu! Whoopie! :) Oh btw, a few bitchy gripes abt MR 500 while I am at it (in no particular order). 1) The budget/free commentator on Day 1 was a wash-out. If they were willing to pay be $6 an hour I'd do a 10x better job than her. Oh please. "There are 14 reservoirs in Singapore." Like what jackass wants to know tt fact? 2) What is with the lanes? I didn't have a problem with the slant or anything; it's just tt the buoys served more to confuse the coxswains than to help them. Exactly how many strange "row-off-to-lalaland" dragonboat incidents did we have in the sets? GOSH. 3) For some reason, why is it tt the girls can cheer for teamNUS regardless of sex, whereas the guys seem quite yaba when it comes to the girls? It's such a buay3 zi4 dong3 thing. I mean, not tt we'll die if you don't cheer for us, but if we can treat ourselves as one team then why not just cheer? It's not an unmanly unseemly sissy thing to cheer now is it? 4) I hate dirty toilets. It's not really relevant, but it's just a gripe. 5) I think team rivalry is stupid. I find it utterly silly and immature how other teams view us with such hostility or open hatred. I mean seriously. Get a life. There's no need to boo and jeer or whatever. We're not primary school kids anymore and this isn't a primary school courtyard. I don't have a problem with anyone at all, seriously. I find the whole concept utterly ludicrous coz anger/hatred/hostility is such a waste of negative energy, especially when it's unreturned. Just a thought. 6) Races are the best time to carbo-load and get fat. I eat an average of 5 slices of bread at a race; and I'm not talking white or whole meal bread. I'm talking raisin, chocolate and pandan. Oh, and banananas and glucose too. Fuck it man. All the weight I lost from last June is going to be put back very very soon. Anyway Day 1 ended pretty early, IMHO. It was only 2 sets anyway. So we (like, 5 people) went to Junction 8 for pasta. Was incredibly hungry. Had linguine alfredo, garlic bread, minestrone soup, and was STILL hungry so succumbed to temptation and bought an Auntie Anne's parmesan cheese pretzel. I hate you Mr. Lin for intro-ing me to AA pretzels!!! ARGH!!! Okay, so let's skip the domestic issues part. Don't want to delve into the family again. It's too fucked up anyway. Day 2: - Unseemly time of 7.15am. I thought I was going to be late coz I woke up at 6.40am. ARGH. And I was taking the BUS. But I met Cindy on the bus, and I love talking to Cindy! She's so cute. She's a sweetheart. And she's one of the few people who can make me smile early in the morning when I am a veritable grouch. She couldn't however, stop the bitch in me. I saw one of the guys sleeping on the bus and I found it incredibly funny. It's double standards coz I sleep on the bus too - in fact I fell asleep on the bus the day before and MISSED MY STOP. AGAIN - and I do exactly the same thing... but it's never as hilarious doing it as SEEING it done. You know how when you're really sleepy and your head just lolls around from side to side? And how totally unglam it is when it does tt? And your mouth is open? Yesh. Like tt. I was trying not to look and nice. Be nice be nice it's Easter Sunday after all. And then Cindy had to say something like "We should also be responsibly and wake tt guy up" (and she pointed to him) "before we go down."... And tt was it. I just started giggling away. Our races were earlier today, but somehow we still tried to find time to... you guessed it - TP. This time I think Wenya engaged the services of Alex from the guy's team to help TP. He told me tt he had the same camera as me so he knew how to use it. Which is good coz I've never read the instructions manual of my cam so up till now I still use only a quarter of the functions on it coz I have no idea how the rest work. HMM. But oh yes, very nice of him to TP, esp for so many cameras. And I got 2 candid shots out of it too. :) So... for everyone who wonders what happens BEFORE the picture-perfect Kodak moment...  ...There is the distracted adjusting and looking around...  Erm... more distracted looking around (I wonder what we were looking at. HMM)... And yes.  The final picture. It's nice except: a) It's missing Mona and Vic! Our captain and vice. *sigh* So it's not a complete team picture. b) I have totally flat painted-on hair. The vain creature inside of me cannot stand for the fashion atrocity! c) I think I look deranged. Oh, thanks Alex. :) Then there's the pictures we took of Cheeling carrying Meiping (I like this one actually):  Below: Geok, Cheeling and me (I wanted to TP with both, so this is like killing 2 birds with 1 stone)...  And me and Cindy (again!)... :)  Oh no... I just realised I don't have a pic of me and Jul. :( *sobz* Next race, must have.  My fave (sometimes) partner Wendy! She was obliging me in this shot. I have 2 pics with her too (1 of them looks suspiciously lesbian), but they're not in this camera so I have to wait for them. I love Wendy too. :) She's always so damn bloody hilarious and she's never afraid to be self-depracatory. Her approach to life is so laid-back and she's just so open and warm and easy to hang with. And yet she's no less perceptive and understanding and sincere. And encouraging. I love rowing next to her anytime, all the time! :) Oh. While we're on the subject of the pointer, let's check out what she was pointing at:  Yep. That's just one part of Macitchie Reservoir. Gosh I love this place. It is so green and fucking beautiful. The water looks so clean (looks; not actually is according to Cindy), there's just so so so much greenery and trees and plants; no buildings mar the backdrop of anything, and the air is so clean and fresh. I'd row here over Kallang any day, even with the lack of shower facilities. I love natural and I love space. But anyway let's go to the races, shall we? For IVP Women's we got Silver. Lost out to NTU by a bit again. ARGH. Then for Mixed... Hmm... Okay, let me gripe somemore. I think I'm entitled to be bitchy. Sometimes I think some guys tend to think with the WRONG head. Esp guys from my team. Don't get me wrong, I think they're totally ok and great people outside of dgb, and I've spoken to a few and I know tt they're genuinely decent people. And even within dgb I know there are some who treat us girls with respect and cordiality, and I really do appreciate tt. But at the same time, I think too much training has caused some kind of muscle imbalance to some of them. Their brains kinda shrunk as their muscles increased. It's all about the egomania, isn't it? I can't believe I have juniors who don't row half as well as my juniors telling us girls things tt we already knew from the first day we stepped into dgb. I can't believe tt someone actually told me to tell my girls to "do their best and not reserve" when we race. HELLO? SINCE WHEN HAVE WE EVER FUCKING NOT DONE OUR BEST AND RESERVED DURING A RACE? Just because we're not guys, just because we take our losses in our stride and not stand on half-submerged dragonboats throwing our paddles into the water and screaming "FUCK YOU!" at our opponents when we lose, doesn't mean we don't take our races seriously. And even though Mixed is a generally Junior race, I have enough faith in most of my juniors (okay, except for 2 or 3) to know tt they have never not done their best in any race. Okay, so let's just list down the list of no-nos tt you should not do if you wish to be taken seriously, shall we? 1. Never ever belittle your teammate, whether it's male or female. Granted, NUS dgb guys have a history of having severely inflated egos. I know it's a stereotype and I've met a few who don't have such egos and are nice, down-to-earth guys (and seriously, those have made very good friends worth keeping), but somehow the stereotype has been reinforced today. Thanks ah. We're just passengers. We need to be reminded to erm... what was it again? "Focus 10-15 m to the front. Check your footrest. Fingers 1 inch from the blade...." I can't rem what the rest was, but I rem bein told this at least 2 times at the starting line-up before the race. Okay, I'm sure tt works during training. I'm sure tt might work for you during the race, but it doesn't work for me. I don't look 10-15m to the front. I look either at the finish line, or my pacer. My footrest was prob checked even BEFORE I came to the starting line up, and my fingers have been tuned to be 1 fist away from the blade already. What I am trying to say is tt the way the girls have trained is different from the guys. Stop trying to impose your ways on us, and esp not NOW 5 s before the race starts. And it is unnecessary. If your training was really effective, this would have been so drilled into your head you wouldn't even NEED to say it. 2. Actually point 2 is like point 1. In fact, all my points will probably sound the same. But I'm superbly irritated. Sickening. There was no need to decrease the stroke rate on account of the girls. We already TOLD YOU we were ok. And yet you still continued in your lalaland and took no heed of what we said. The girls were totally fine. But according to one of my girls, there was a *guy* - your *guy* - who couldn't keep up with the stroke rate, who missed a few strokes, who had his paddle collide with back and front a few times. Now tell me WHO are the ones who have to look at the pacer before they tell other people to? 3. Apparently back to the passenger point. The guys generally think us girls are passengers. I would like to refute this on the fact tt even though we are inherently weaker, we can carry our own weight, and a bit more (of our teammate's) if necessary. And we give our all in our race sets. So technically speaking since guys weigh more than girls by right they SHOULD be pulling stronger and faster to carry their own weight, right? And no, we don't want to carry your weight too, even tho we have done so before when you don't put enough effort in. 4. Most importantly, stop with the talking cock before the start of the race!!! There is motivating pep talk, but it should be done on land. Or at least, keep it short and sweet. There is no need to talk out an entire essay on motivation in the boat, seriously, coz a) after a while you're just going to get shut out, and b) the more you say, the more stupid you're going to look. So the less said the better. It's like tt proverb "empty vessels make the most noise". You should remind your teammates of the essentials (i.e. to focus, to jia you, to dip in, pull long or whatever else useful advice you can think of), but not give them some motivating crap tt doesn't even sound sincere. And seriously, if you're only doing this to impress us girls, sorry man but you're WAY off mark. We're totally unimpressed. In fact I was trying my best not to a) roll my eyes b) tell you to shut the fuck up for disrupting my concentration and c) snicker. Okay, wait. I did snicker. But hello? What happened to the concept of "FOCUS"? Bottomline: The girls are NOT impressed. Wake up your fucking idea. 5. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. Hello? In a race you fuck-care everything and everyone except what your coxswain says. The teams beside you try to irritated you by jeering, you fuck-care them. They're nothing but air to you. The announcer tells you to paddle back or forth or zhuas you; you fuck-care him. The coxswain says nothing, you do fuck. And tt's why you should be quiet in the first place. If you spend your time yabbering away, you're probably not going to hear a thing from the coxswain, and neither will your teammates. Right. So tt's my long long long list of gripes. I don't know who reads this, although I suspect, so I'm telling you tt if you're reading this, you can either take the advice or feedback to me and talk to me personally. But this is what I have to say. Anyway yesh, to the race. I think the coxswain was very steady, only a little bit unconfident of himself coz he's inexperienced, so he didn't shout loud enough. Should have shouted his commands louder and with conviction, IMHO. The rowers listen to their coxswainbecause he's the only one with the visionand the control of the boat, such tt they have to trust him to take them to the finish. So he should never be afraid to drive, push or even fuck them upside down. Doesn't matter male or female. Oh, and another thing: I love tt "washing the dragonhead" thing before we set out for races. Sometimes the captain washes it, sometimes the drummer, or when there is no drummer, the pacer(s) washes it. And there is more than one way to wash the dragonhead. Some people like Zili, believe tt throwing water over it the way you throw waste water out the window, suffices. Other people like the current captain take the trouble to walk out all the way to the dragonhead, gently pour water over and stroke the dragonhead. So anyway when we were setting out, we instructed the left pacer to go and wash the dragonhead. So he got out and poured water over it and asked what he should do next. And the unanimous instruction from the front pack was "Stroke the head! Stroke the head!" And then Justin started laughing and saying how we had to choose Easter Sunday to say such things. 0_o And then it struck me. Oops. Anyway. For the rest of the races, we got into Opens Finals, but we didn't manage t get a medal this time round. But on the upside, the guys won their Opens Finals, beating GMAX aka the National Team in the process. Which was fantastic for them. Although I'm happy tt NUS has won a gold in something, I feel the consequences will be tt the girls' team willl once again be subject to the guys' team, and tt the already inflated egos will just inflate somemore. Only time will tell now. But I'm still happy for them coz they deserve something after the IVP fuck-up. At least their captain doesn't look so stressed now. Oh yes, 2 more photos for remembrance. Below: Full girls' team photo.  And the full teamNUS photo. In erm... 4 dragonboats. Quite innovative actually.  Wahahaha. More photos as they come (from the other cameras). So tt was MR 500. After tt we went to Jalan Kayu for prata lunch. Pissed off man. Was damn tired from the racing, damn hungry, and plus I was already emotional troubled by my family problems as well as disappointed, and the fact tt the fucking stupid waiter who couldn't count made me wait a whole fucking hour for 2 pieces of prata and my milo dinosaur really didn't help. I was in a damn bad mood actually. I think Jul really noticed. Usually I'm fine with the antics of some of the juniors and I find it quite funny, and sometimes I even join in, but today really wasn't tt day. I just felt like my nerves were being grated on. *sigh* And it doesn't help tt I absofuckinglutely cannot stand act cute people. Cute people are fine. Cindy is a darling. But act cute. Act Cute people are the bane of my existence. I hate them to the core. Everytime act cute people come around me I REALLY want to bitchslap the AC nature out of them. They make me really violent. So how can I stand this? ARGH. But I thank God tt Jul was there. She's my calming influence. It was good to talk to her, even though my mood was absolutely black. And I know tt she knows tt I wasn't very happy, and was thus trying to get me out of the unhappiness. I like talking to Jul. She strikes me as a serious and deep person. I see a lot of maturity in her. And I see some similarities between the both of us too. :) But our conversation shall be a secret, so too bad so sad you nasty blog-voyeurs! Wahaha. BTW, Jul has beautiful long lashes. I'm envious! Anyway I read the postcard tt Mona passed me today after I went home. On the bus, she had asked me if I had read it during the race. I was like, "If I did you would have scolded me for not focusing." And she was like, "Yes." *roll eyes* Melissa Melissa Melissa. But the postcard really cheered me up, coz I was kinda down. A lot of things, a lot of it disappointment tt's been built up. It's not tt I don't understand, coz rationally I do, it's just tt emotionally it's hard to accept, esp coz of all tt I am currently sacrificing and all the anguish tt I am already going through with my family just for this. And I hate it. I hate the feeling of being completely helpless and not being able to do anything and not fighting for your best when you know you are good enough. But fuck it lah. Melissa made me laugh, esp about the list she compiled about how to tell if someone knew Knew me. :) Like how I am selectively racist. How I am envious coz I'm like the Dutch flatlands next to her Swiss Alpine range. Or the goggles and the ice-cubes and the totally off-key singing. And lau gay. Oh gosh. I snigger even when I read tt part! And I realise I CANNOT stop saying (a)... (b)... (c)... even when I write, let alone speak! :) And I loved loved loved tt note tt she wrote me. Thank you babe, for caring so much. *HUGZ* And thanks again to Wendy. She reallys is my fave partner. We understand each other so well sometimes. :) So tt's it for this post (finally). Happy reading. I've got to go back to the drudgeries of law school now. P.S. Why exacly is Blossom called Blossom? | |
DAY 1: FILLER ENTRY It's 12.25am. Just came back from Easter Virgil mass. Fucking tired. Gotta wake up at 6am tomorrow for race day 2. Had a massive quarrel with my parents last night and the anger's translated over till today. I can't take them anymore. It's so fucking draining I just want to give up. But the race today was good, even if I think by changing certain things we may do even better tomorrow. I missed pasta; didn't realise till today. I realise I also have a tendency to fall down in front of the entire guys team and STILL look reasonably glam (I hope). Bigger entry tomorrow. Gotta sleep now. With pictures. And no, my Equity and Trusts test remains untouched. | |
MONA LISA Or Mona Lisa, as my ex-ex-captain Peiwen fondly named her (pronounced Mong-na for short although she's voluntarily changed the spelling contrary to Peiwen's original intentions). Wahaha. I can't believe the name sticks so much tt we oscillate between calling her one of the two. And I still rem tt late morning when she called me on my phone and said that she was "Melissa from dragonboat" and my reply was "We have a Melissa in dragonboat meh???" I think she was absolutely horrified. Esp coz by tt time she was *already* my best friend. OOPS. I rem as we improved together. As we confided in and motivated each other. Oh, and the bitching sessions on the ledge before/after training and all the stuff I had to say about models and tattoos and the like. ;) We sat out some races together and rowed in others together. But I think the June Race was the culmination of everything tt we'd shared in our friendship. The two days of sharing the photos, the laughter and the talk-cock sessions, the fooling around with the entire team and walking around and making fools of ourselves and laughing off the sheer unglamness of everything, and most of all, the joys and the pains, of winning and losing, and the emotions and the tears and the embraces and the awareness of the knowledge tt everything we had worked so hard for together, suffered so much for together, was for something. Some people think I'm crazy when I say tt the Gold doesn't mean tt much to me. Of course I want to win, but my focus has never been on winning per se. I row for my teammates; I row because I never want to let them down. I want to carry the weight of my girls, and I want to do my best for them. To me, the bonding tt we share and the distance tt is breached with every training and every outing and ultimately every race, is the most important thing to me. It's the reason I'm still here. Funny how suddenly Melissa went from normal (and slightly overlooked) rower like me to vice-cap and captain overnight, and without anyone expecting it, herself included. The following sem was just amazing. It was amazingly good because as far as I am concerned, Melissa has my utmost and unwavering respect and support as the captain. I was talking to someone, and the person asked what if she made me do 250 push-ups on a whim, or go run 10 km just because she wasn't happy with me or something? And I told him tt I would do it. I wouldn't question, no matter how illogical or irrational or how against myself it would be (since I hate both running and push-ups); I would just do it, because she's my captain and she told me to. In any case Melissa's not a slave-driver, and too damn reasonable and fair to do something to arbituary. But it got stressful sometimes, being so close to the captain. You know tt there's a need to draw the line between friend and teammate under the captain, and you struggle to be reasonable. You see the stress and the pressure to perform, but your hands feel so tied because you just cannot be in tt position to allieviate the burden or take away the stress and cares. You may not even agree sometimes, but you must always set the example and support, because if you don't, then who will? Yet at the same time, it was a lot of fun, probably because of those OTOT training sessions where she was just teammate and friend. Gym was an exercise in laughing, funny voices (my bad) and lots and lots of gossip; the long 10km runs (sometimes just the 2 of us; sometimes with Yunshan and Serene and Wendy even), were just some of the things I would look forward to. And then there were the study sessions. ALWAYS the damn study sessions. It's going to be 2 years from the day I first joined the team soon. July is my swan song. I've never said anything other than tt dragonboat is the best thing tt ever happened to me in NUS, pain and suffering and blood and blisters and demoralisation and tears aside. Melissa is probably one of the best friends I never knew I would meet and make. Someone who actually even in my horribly unfit running state can STILL get me to willingly run 15km with her. Someone who managed to get me to not finish my delicious peanut butter cookies today even tho I LOVE peanut butter cookies!!! Someone who I know I will miss terribly when I leave for Vancouver in August. Therefore Melissa Pei, this entry's for you. Like I said in my friendster testimonial for you, you share so much in common with me. Taste in music, movies, outlook and views in life, hot waffles with ice-cream (I'm CRAVING this NOW. HOW?!?! After the race die die must eat!!!)... For all the times spent together, the secrets and the laughter and the tears... This is for my bestest friend in the team.
And
Let's DO our best shot for MR 500 tomorrow! And the July Race. I'll gladly carry your weight. :) | |
THE NIGHT BEFORE The race is in less than 24 hours. It's Good Friday. Had morning water training at Kallang. Waking up at 6am is a bitch coz I can never fall asleep before 3am. Getting the 2 small boats out was an exercise in unglamness because we'd forgotten to tie the rest of the boats to the pontoon and almost ended up taking the whole damn fleet out with us. David was in his element as usual. I have a thing against open favouritism. I stuck around with Yunshan and Mona for lunch even tho I had had to crash their project group meeting as a result. Felt kinda awkward and bad for tt, but both of them and their project group mate was REALLY nice about it. Thanks Mona and Yunshan *hugz*. But the last guy really couldn't make it.No need to waste brain cells and expand energy condeming him; the moment he opens his mouth he condemns himself already. No sense of responsibility, doesn't understand the meaning of "priorities" and "consideration". Seems a bit thick; doesn't seem to know when people are angry. Believes tt a straight train through Woodlands is a faster way to get to City Hall from Clementi, than through the Redhill line. Good thing I was not in the group. I think I would have a) given him a piece of my mind a long time ago; or b) constantly bombarded him with sarcastic elitist insults tt I just *know* he would be too thick to get. A product of a Singapore uni, or is this just the standard of the norm we produce? Or is it just a Science/Engin stereotypical situation? Went to church after tt. Fell asleep during the Passion reading. Sometimes I don't want to be Catholic coz the rituals are so boring and lifeless. They're fine if I'm well-rested and awake, but when I'm tired, lack sleep, or have just come from dragonboat training, they're a sure cure for insomnia. Obviously my mom was "hellfire and brimstone" irritated. Now she accuses me of being possessed by some evil spirit. My dad seems determined to make me quit soon. I tell you, I'm experiencing serious deja vu here. But right now I'm kind of in my "fuck it" mode, so it doesn't bother me too much. My dad's encouraging me to 'bond' with my mom, but because she can't keep her mouth shut about the sheer sinfulness and hell-bound consequence of sleeping in church, and I'm so not in the mood to listen, I'd rather not, thank you very much. Oh well, so much for Holy Week. BTW, no. I'm not bothered. See yoooou tomorrow (for the girls)! P.S. BTW, if you know me, or think you know me, do come say 'Hi'. I won't bite. If I look blur or show no trace of recognition, it's because I AM blur by nature. I'm not naturally dao (unless you're a) a PRC; b) a native Indian (sorry Melissa); c) a Vietnamese; d) a super MCP guy); I'm just waiting. :) | |
Friday, March 25, 2005
| LOST I don't know why I feel so lost right now, sitting in front of my comp. Haha. The laughter's bitterly ironic because I do know. I call it reality. I've been living in a dream for the past few months of my life. I've been deluding myself. I knew from the start that it was a big fat zero, but I've been choosing instead to shut my eyes and pretend tt there was at least a 10% chance, a 20% chance, a chance tt just was a positive integer greater than zero. Maybe it was once there. Once, a long time ago, before time passed and chances came and went. Before, I believe it really was there. But right now, it's not anymore. Reality has come and hit me hard in the face, and I can dream no more. There was never any chance. There was never anything there. Everything's just an impossibility, and no matter how much I have tried thus far, I cannot bring a dead horse back to life. Now, if only the disappointment wasn't so fucking bitter. If only I didn't feel so empty and hopeless all over again. I wish I could be stronger than this, more resilient than this, but sometimes wishes are no match for the cold hard fact of reality and the inherent fallibility of humankind. I'm lost and depressed again. Dammit. *********************************************************** But on to a recap of my day. I didn't go for any of Thio Li-Ann's tutorials in the end. Made the conscious decision to stay in bed and sleep. Met Jane for lunch and talked stuff out, and I will say tt I am fully supportive of her decision. After tt went for a gym session again, and then had mixed training at MacRitchie. We shared the bus. I like the FBT training singlets btw. Very nice. Good job to Wen and Geok. The mixed boat stroke is a different one from the one we use normally, but the cycle is faster. Where our long-d stroke leaves us 'suan', this one leaves us 'chuan'. But it's not tt hard to get the hang of. Now if only the boat hadn't been so fucking overbalanced in the beginning. It's horrible to feel yourself slipping off your seat as you're rowing, such tt you start right next to the gunwale and end up in the fucking middle of the seat and struggling to catch water over the side. It's just ridiculous. We only had 2 proper practice race sets. I would say the feeling's pretty good; if only we had been able to do the full 500m sets. I think the guys have a general tendency to underestimate us girls. They think we don't give our best, tt we happy-happy play-along row, tt we're just passengers for the ride. I'm sorry, but I take serious offence. So maybe we're girls. So maybe we don't have the inherent strength of guys. That doesn't mean we're fucking passengers. We carry our own damn weight, thank you very much. We give our all during every race set, thank you very much. And if you've been around for the last June Race, you should also have realised tt we can pull as hard as fast and as powerful as a guy boat, no matter what the circumstances. Just because we encourage each other when the going gets tough doesn't mean we're weakening. There's no need to lower the cycle coz we can and will keep up, even by sheer force of willpower. There's no need to account for us because we will do every single thing tt you do and just as well, thank you very much. And one more thing. Us girls are us girls. So we're all teamNUS, but I take offence when some guy decides to throw his ego around and tell off one of us about our stroke. Our stroke is different from your stroke. We're changing to accomodate the mixed boat, but we need time and practice to do so. Not all of us will get it just about right the first time. Therefore, there is no need to a) sweat the small stuff. So what if we splash water on you? Are your eyes so weak tt a little water will blind you? It's not like you don't splash water on us and we just take it because we understand race conditions. b) give us a long "I-am-better-than-thou" lecture on the stroke. I don't care if you are better or not. If my captain doesn't tell us, you have no right to. And tt is tt. c) give us the self-same lecture in a foreign language. Yes, I am anti-PRC. I am also anti-egoistic self-important maniacs, esp those who don't exactly give their all and decide to hide it by picking on others. You may call me a bitch. Let's call a spade a spade. I am a bitch, and I bitch a lot, and I have bitched about you, but I don't really care. Coz by the same analogy you're an egoistic self-important PRC maniac, and tt just slots you in the category of people I totally cannot stand. Took the bus back to NUS with Jul, Cindy and the guys. It was half an hour late. Good thing was it brought me right to Sheares, but the bad thing was even taking a cab I was STILL 20 min late for my appointment. We met at PS, and I felt SO bad tt I'd made him wait so long. Dinner was at Long John Silvers. They totally mixed up our orders, so I think I actually got food tt was worth more than what I paid. But by the time we had dinner it was so late tt all the stores were closing. I told him about today and he agreed... he actually agreed with me... about the egos of some of the guys around. We talked about a few other things, like his work @ Changi and my life in NUS and all, and I finally admitted tt I was leaving for Exchange. And for the most part, the topic stayed on dgb, not surprisingly. It's one of those meetings tt you wish never end, because you never want to leave. But there's only so much you can say, and you realise tt sometimes you struggle to find the right things to say. And it was great fun walking from one end of Orchard to the other, if the only thing about the walk was the company and nothing more, but all things must come to an end. I just wish I didn't feel so crushed now. | |
| 4.03 AM That's the time tt I started blogging this entry. Just came back from Zouk. Actually no, not really Zouk. More like Zouk Wine Bar, and bak kut teh. Yes. I abstained from alcohol. And I don't think ba kut teh is on the "absteinence list". Anyway first up: HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY JAMES!!! Wahaha. Just a brief recap of the day: in the morning I had 2 lectures (lunch break in the middle), where my admin law tutor is like Sornarajah reincarnated. UGH. And then I had almost 6 fucking hours worth of discussions for the negotiations test on Tues evening. I was so fucking drained. Damn tired, damn sleepy, damn unfocused, contacts were dry and killing my eye and at 3-something I took the damn contact out... It's horrible sometimes what Law School does to you. Slack my ass. It's just me, really. Had a 2nd lunch @ 3pm coz Alvin hadn't eaten. And then dinner at Thai Express with Sheryl, Wanyi, Sam and Jane, and dinner at TCC. YUM. I love the warm lava chocolate cake. My only indulgence before Sat. Girls' Night Out. How fun is tt? We sat around the red sofa seats (TCC is a liar. Those 'comfy sofa seats' are HARD like HELL.) and gossiped and bitched and laughed. Altho I cannot believe tt I happen to be in the Mambo Whores category of friends. Miss Confucian Moral Ethic can you please come up with a better name? It's not like a) I mambo all the time b) I even like mambo in the first place and c) all we do when we meet is mambo. Right. Anyway one of the things we were discussing were stupid bf/gf nicknames. And me and Wanyi were getting totally overboard with the "honey bun" "banana muffin" "sweetie pie" kinda nicks. I swear if I have a bf I'm going to call him hong2 dou4 bao1 (red bean bun) if you call Adrian "kaya toast"!!! Just because it's so fucking disgustingly skin-crawling tt it's funny. Later, went over to join James since his birthday is on Thurs. Haha. Took a cab down to Zouk and as I got out of the cab, my slipper totally broke!!! Fuckanarthan. Was limping half the way to Zouk from Copthorne Grand dragging my broken slipper along. Until I decided to fuck it and take the whole damn thing off and walk purposefully to Zouk Wine Bar. I think God was trying to tell me something again. Spent the next 2 hours at Wine Bar listening and laughing. Didn't drink coz I'm abstaining; didn't dance coz I couldn't possibly limp up to Phuture; I would just get trampled to death by the crowd. So I just sat there listening to the guys talk about everything from soccer betting to trying to trick the Bimbos group into revealing their bimbo selves, and watching the people around me get high. Somehow I kind of enjoyed myself just sitting there completely sobre soaking in the chill-out ambience of Wine Bar. Maybe after a year and a half of hard clubbing, I'm getting really sick of squeezing with total strangers for dance floor space, from getting picked up by despos time and again, from having to fight people tooth and nail for some peace. I realise how out of the loop I am in law school. Once, a long time ago, I was in tt loop with the in-crowd. I used to go clubbing with them every week. And then things happened to made me shift my priorities, and I just dropped out and moved away. I don't know the stories, the gossips, the going-ons etc and whatever anymore tt permeates law school, the way I once used to. A part of me kind of misses being in the loop, being hip, in and popular. But like James said, when you're out of the loop, at least you can be sure tt people won't be gossiping or bitching about you. And he's right. That was largely the reason I fell back anyway. So I can't complain. Maybe I'm happier where I am now, on the fringes, doing my own thing. Altho I just wish tt people would stop gossiping about me, period. Anyway after Wine Bar me, James, Jacky, Beng and Cheryl went over to eat bak kut teh for supper. James had to help me around coz I was hopping around on one foot completely UNGLAMLY at the bak kut teh place. Totally CMI. I don't usually like bak kut teh but even though I'd eaten a lot for dinner, I was pretty hungry. Plus I love meat with black sauce when hungry. YUM. And after tt Beng kindly sent me and James back to hall. Haha. Once again, Happy Birthday James! Hope you enjoyed yourself tonight! I really did. :) And seriously, it's no sacrifice to spend time with friends tt you treasure, no matter how fucked up the situation gets sometimes. Oh, and yes, I agree. Lionel is a damn good catch. Law student, Dean's lister, rich, intelligent, plays the drums, good-looking, has a bad boy image but is really really decent underneath... what more can you ask for? *wink* I wonder why I haven't considered him before. Wahahahaha. Kidding. Goodnight James! | |
| "LUKA" There's this song by Suzanne Vega, and it's called "Luka". It's essentially about this girl who endures domestic abuse from her man, and day in day out she just takes it. And her excuse to whoever asks is always: "If you hear something late at night; some kind of trouble some kind of fight, just don't ask me what it was." We girls all wish for a fairy tale ending. We all wait for tt knight in shining armour to come ride us off into the sunset. It doesn't matter who we are, what we do, or where we come from (yes, just like tt BSB song), deep inside we are all closet romantics. Deep inside we all want our Prince Charming to come love us and validate us, to tell us we are loved and cherished and treasured, to hold us in his arms and let us stop being strong and tough, if just for a while, and really, just tell us tt our lives are going to be okay. It's always a constant battle against yourself to embrace singlehood sometimes,and I speak from personal experience. I get lonely, I get frustrated and upset and depressed, and I continually wonder when I can stop being strong and tough all the time and just break down and let someone just hold me and tell me tt I am beautiful and I am cherished and tt I mean something. Loneliness is a reason why some people get into relationships. Insecurity, the need for validation, is another reason. And sometimes it's hard to get out of a relationship even if you think it's going nowhere, because you're just too comfortable. Because you've been in there so long tt the thought of the great unknown, of being single and lonely and having no one to hold you and validate you again, is just too intimidating to contemplate. I know a lot of people read my blog, and as I've said countless of times, I don't give a flying fuck. I don't care if he reads my blog. I don't care tt he doesn't like me. I know he never has and frankly my dear, right now the feeling is mutual. But I don't talk to people who don't matter, and you know tt. I guess sometimes I'm too nosy for my own good. Some people say tt I should just leave things be, tt you're old enough and mature enough to make your own decisions, and tt I shouldn't try to interfere. And I'm not going to any more than I already am. I know we're all mature thinking adults. I know we're all supposedly rational creatures. But I also know tt as girls, we tend to be fucking emotional, especially about guys. We can tell them to go fuck off one minute, and the next they can totally destroy our resolve by being extremely sweet and charming and just by making us melt into jelly. And you and I, we've kissed (literally and figuratively speaking) more than a couple of frogs to be able to have learnt this lesson first hand. Sometimes some girls are really lucky. Their Prince Charming just happens to pop out right in front of their eyes. But other girls aren't tt lucky. Sometimes we go through scores and scores of frogs before we find tt right person who really will love and cherish us for who we really are deep down inside, warts and all, and not just like us because of how we look or what we represent to them at all. I'm not in any position to judge, I know. And I know it's presumptious of me to. I'm not in anyone's position. I don't really know everything tt's been going on. Sometimes I wish I could hear both sides of the story just so tt I can understand a little better, but I can't, and even so I can't see any justification. I'm sure tt he has feelings for you and tt he's done so much, treated you so well, spent so much time and money, taken you places, been a total sweetheart etc etc etc, and I know damn well tt you can deny it all you want, but you have feelings for him too. But I believe this: if he doesn't love you enough to control himself, then he doesn't love you enough, period. Guys don't have to be gentlemanly or chivalrous. We girls have 4 limbs and a perfectly working brain. We can pull out our own chairs and open our own doors. We have our own earning capacity. We can buy our own meals, cars and houses, thank you very much. But at the end of the day this is what I have to say: it doesn't matter how big and strong he is, how sporty he is, how muscular he is, how secure he makes you feel in his arms. If he doesn't know how to treat a woman right, then he doesn't deserve to be called a man. LUKA - Suzanne Vega My name is Luka
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| MY LEGS STILL FEEL LIKE JELLO, HELLO? Training always always always happens to be the highlight of my day. No matter how bitchy or PMS-ey or depressed or down or angry or disturbed or whatever else negative emotion I might be feeling, training just turns everything around. But strange enough, I was blogging about being sick of eating alone this week, and suddenly just when I've been about to eat my lunches alone, I end up meeting people like Wanyi and Sheryl (Monday for lunch), Zhihao (Monday for tea), Johnny and Wanye (Tues lunch), Debbie and Alvin (Tues drink) and even Chio and his friend Gabriel (Tues tea). Totally unplanned. It's amazing. It's like God is trying to tell me something. Speaking of God, I admit, I'm totally neglecting Him, and worst of all, I'm neglecting Him on HOLY WEEK!!! I'm not attending the last FCG this sem coz I have this impt discussion with Debs and Alvin and Caixia about our negotiations test and Memorandum of Understanding tt we have to draft by next week, where no other time will do. But I feel bad coz I've already skipped 2 so far. GOSH. And then I'm skipping Maundy Thurs too. In fact, my mom just gave me yet another of her infamous "Brimstone and Hellfire" lectures. The "if you don't go for Maundy Thursday/if you are late for Good Friday mass" etc etc etc etc God will punish you and you will go to hell. Okay, I shouldn't be saying this but my reaction is to ROLL MY EYES. As Serene says, it's so Calvinist. And it is, isn't it? We're Catholics, but we're supposed to believe in God, not idols or symbolic ceremonies and place some kind of spiritual importance over rituals held year after year? Okay, I'm def gonna get condemned to hell for blasphemy, following what my mom believes. But to be honest, I think she has a damn narrow-minded perception of Catholicism. Praying is good, and I guess praying for 2 hours every morning is good, and going for church all the time is good, but 1) just because it's YOUR cup of tea doesn't mean it's MINE; and 2) you CAN'T buy your way into heaven anyway. In any case I'm a damn unreligious Catholic, or rather, I think I'm in tt unreligious phase now. It's always this sine curve thingy, and right now I'm somewhere down low. Ironic coz it's Holy Week and I'm supposed to try and get better and holier and yadda yadda yadda, but truth be told I'm not trying. I feel so far right now, and I am just too damn lazy to make the effort to get closer. I think it's part rebellion. Melissa was asking me how I was with my parents. I told her point-blank tt I am in their bad books, and it's damn well not going to get better. This weekend it's probably going to get worse. My mom thinks I'm some pagan who would rather row than serve God (which btw is TRUE). I will admit this in front of everyone now: I am a rower first and foremost. I will make time to go for Good Friday and Easter Virgil masses (even tho I'm probably going to be so fucking shagged from training and the race), but I will not skip my races for Easter. I'm sorry but tt's just how it is. If I'm going to hell for this then so be it. My mom also thinks tt I'm not spending enough time at home. That I'm always out, never with the family, never doing housework. Coz she's the only one at home she does all the housework and she wants to pack my room but because I'm never around she doesn't know where to start. And she says I never take care of my things and my stuff is all in a disarray and all I do is go out and train and train and train and I neglect my home. I'm like a hotel-guest, not a daughter. The thing is, I get tt. I totally understand where they're coming from. They want me home more often. BUT I CAN'T do tt. I CANNOT not train. I CANNOT not go for my races. I have tests (a take-home test this weekend. FUCK IT LAH), and I have work, and I have friends who at this point in time need me (and I need them too). This week is just NOT a time I can stay home and bond or do housework. I just can't. And I will never ever ever forgo dragonboat for housework EVER AGAIN. I did tt once and I hated it. It was the biggest most fucked-up waste of time ever. I'm sorry I can never be your perfect daughter. I'm sorry I'm totally unfillial, totally disrespectful. I'm sorry I treat your home like a fucking hotel, that I won't be home this weekend, tt I would rather be rowing at MacRitchie than staying home to clean house; I'm sorry tt I can't cook, won't clean, won't be domesticated, won't become the perfect wife and mother sort tt you want me to be... But tt's just the way it is. I DON'T WANT TO. If I end up not getting married, so be fucking it. If I don't get a family, so be fucking it. If I go to HELL for breaking the 6th commandment, then so be fucking it. Like I said, I'm probably there anyway. Okay, so I'm still pissed. Let me get back from them to better stuff. UGH. I hate being the only child. I really do. I don't care about the whole "spoilt" "gets everything" and "all the attention" so called fucking benefits. It's not like my parents indulge me till I'm spoilt shapeless. Every single fucking time my father never fails to remind me how much he and my mother have given to me, sacrificed for me, yadda yadda yadda, and how I'm the proverbial ungrateful unfillial brat. I never do anything in return. Like what do they expect? I rebelled a long time ago. I promised myself tt fateful night 9 years ago tt I would NEVER let you mould my life for me. And so tt was it. I love you and I will do my best to be a good daughter to you, but if it's not enough then TOO BAD SO SAD. Go adopt another child. Go find some surrogate daughter. Disown me or something. Okay okay. I shall move on. I'm completely vehement. I know. But yes, on to happier stuff. Training was good. Okay, okay. Good. Training. Was studying at YIH before tt. Was really early, so took a power nap tt lasted 1 whole fucking hour, and then woke up totally unglam coz 3 strange guys were opposite me and they could see my totally blurry eyes and disorientation. Then I found Cindy and went to join her. She was totally quiet, trying hard to concentrate on her Maths book, and she looked so stressed. So un-Cindy. So I wrote her a happy note to try to cheer her up. *HUGZ* Cindy girl, don't be so stressed. I know sometimes work is overwhelming - it gets tt way for everyone sometimes, even myself - and sometimes you feel you can't cope. But you're not alone. We all love you and we will always be there for you to lean on or go to for a hug or just some reassurance or comfort. We're a team. :) And then Ah Ping, Yunshan, Cheeling and Melissa came down - and I'd sent Melissa an SMS to tell her tt my legs felt like jello. Because after Monday's run they DID. Do you know I fell asleep really early coz the damn run totally drained me??? ...and apparently she got it on the bus and started laughing to herself and wahahahahaha.... the whole bus prob thought she was nuts - but WTF lah my legs were really aching. I couldn't climb up stairs without the ~ache~. Anyway we all headed down for training at SRC. Ooh gym circuits. I like gym circuits. :) My fave station is the sit-ups station even tho it's damn xiong. I keep reminding myself of tt abs goal. Now. If ONLY I can JUST *COUNT* BETTER. GRR. After tt was the 3.2km run. Okay, Serene was my partner, and Melissa ran with me. Both were super-encouraging, even tho my running was horrigible. Really. But my legs completely ached. In addition to the damn cramps and the grandma asthmatic wheezing, my legs just ACHED completely from quads to calves. It was such a mental strain to just concentrate and run... GOSH. Funny thing was after a while... towards the end, suddenly the ache just disappeared and I could resume running normally. Like, wow. Poor Wenya fell down and scrapped her knee, so Cindy played first-aider and put all her skills to use, gently swabbing the wound even though Wenya couldn't help the yelps of pain. Eep... but they sounded almost like labour screams. Scary. Imagine labour. *shudder* That's why I don't wanna have children. Or not for a while at least. Went for dinner with the girls. We had so much fun talking cock over dinner (as usual). I swear the best and fastest way to get abs is to hang with the team. With people like Vic, Melissa, Yirang and Wendy around, you'll just laugh your way to abs. My stomach hurt from all the laughter in fact!!! Oh, and someone we never thought would get angry got angry. Things just get stranger and stranger. But it's an amusing situation to witness, albeit not one I would like to be in. For now, I've also got to abstain from a lot of foods leading up to MR 500. 1) no coconut milk (i.e. no curry *SOBZ*, laksa, chendol, red ruby, etc etc etc) 2) no chilli (no more mee kia dah with extra chilli!!!) 3) no ice-cream (BIG BIG SOBZ) 4) no caffeine 5) no deep-fried and heaty food (i.e. no potato chips, snacks, chocolate etc) 6) no alcohol Sigh. Oh well. But I can sacrifice for the team, of course. I love tt saying: "In the boat, we carry each other's weight". It was what motivated me to train last June. To carry my teammates' weight, no matter how tough it was, no matter how tired and drained I was, no matter how demoralised I would feel. I would do it for my team. And tt's the saying tt will carry me through to July. Tomorrow night: Girls' Night Out! *exciting* And celebrating James' birthday too! But one thing brother... no alcohol for me. :) | |
| Am in the YIH Study Room. Kanina. My legs feel like jello. ARGH!!! Melissa Pei!!! I cannot climb up stairs without difficulty. HOW. Grr. And I have a headache. Fuck it. Am superbly PMSy today. Prob stems from the fact tt I fell asleep in TYL's lecture AGAIN, I didn't know tt I had a make-up tutorial yesterday coz I DON'T check fucking IVLE every day and therefore missed it; I just found out tt I had to prepare my MOU and my Negotiations Test 20 min before the "lecture", and I'm just fucking pissed off tt everyone is expecting me to attend everything all at once. Unless I can multiply like Agent Smith in Matrix: Reloaded there is no way jose tt I'm going to be everywhere at everytime, so too bad so sad. And I hate being guilt-tripped. So don't guilt-trip me. The more you try, the more irritated I'll get with you, and the more I'll turn you off like a radio tt plays only static. Lastly, fucking bastards who hurt my friends had better watch out. If you ever come into mere range of me I will personally tear out your balls and stuff them down your throat. | |
| eh... fuck you lah. i do things on my own schedule, not yours. | |
| DAYS OF OUR LIVES Every where I turn this week, it seems to be relationship troubles. Or rather, trouble and a hiccup or two *rolls eyes*. Sometimes I'm glad to be single. Even tho I envy the shared bond between 2 partners in a relationship, and I get tt warm and fuzzy feeling when I hear the most uncanny people say "I love you" to each other, but I'm glad to have been spared the emotional rollercoaster rides of a relationship; the crazy going-ons tt only an outsider can witness objectively. I think at this point in time I'm probably not ready for a relationship anyway. For one, I'm busy with dragonboat, which is a pretty good life-stealer if you make a commitment to it, and oh yes, not to mention friends, family, studies and the like. For another, I'm leaving for exchange after my race for a whole fucking year. And I don't believe in long-distance relationships. Lastly, it's too emotionally draining. I think I'm too self-centred. I have too much on my mind already. I don't need anything, or anyone new. Seriously. Oh, and I'm too much of an aesthetics person to settle. The one thing I cannot stand in a guy is moodiness/mood swings. I think tt's totally fucked up, as is sheer inflexibility/narrow-mindedness. It's amazing how many narrow-minded people there are in NUS, actually. Sometimes I think guys should all go jump off buildings. The only problem is tt sometimes once I get my resolve up, you just breeze in and demolish it all over again. GRR. I hate you sometimes. But those comment aside, today was good. Or as good as it could have possibly been considering tt I didn't bring my essay question paper to the library and therefore blindly zapped stuff for reasearching and I still don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do for my essay which probably makes me deader than a lot of other people. Oh, and I have this compulsion to glare at PRCs wearing the ugly orange IVP jacket. It's a completely elistist thing, but I take offence at having to share a jacket hard-won through hours of grueling training and running and rowing - with cheenamen who talk loudly and obnoxiously and get the same damned jacket playing fucking chess in an air-conditioned room. WTH. But I met Wanyi and Sheryl for lunch @ Bizad. That was totally coincedental but not at all unwelcome. I realise tt more people eat lunches alone than I thought. But I don't particularly like eating lunch alone everyday. Anyway given all that's happened over the space of one weekend - not to me. My life is straight-out B.O.R.I.N.G -, of which I will divulge nothing on this blog because I know too many people read it, so too bad so sad; the lunchtime chat was a good and timely one. Leewanyi has this motherly image. I can imagine her as a good mother in future. She's been practising her maternal instincts on us already. :) But we all know tt she's the sweetest most thoughtful babe around, so *muakz*. And Adrian loves you, you know tt. Wahaha. After tt it was back to the lib to try to read my notes (and I met Grace and Emma!) for a while, and then over to SRC to meet Jane for a swim! Of which I only swam like, maybe 20 laps? We spent the rest of the time talking. Gross. Another PRC fat ass cut through our lanes as we were swimming and swam in between us, and he was so big and fat and gross tt when he swam I could feel the waves from him almost knock me over. And he brushed against Jane. Eww. Gross. Such fat ass PRCs should be outlawed and barred from Singapore. But for the rest of the time we frolicked around in the baby pool (ok, actually we just sat in the pool and let the sun beat down on our skins. "Frolick" is a little bit too sexual in nature, and is only something couples do in the privacy of their rooms. But I've always wanted to use the word. So sue me) and just chatted/gossiped/discussed... stuff (of which nothing will be mentioned either!!! Na-na-ni-poo-poo!!!). After tt it was onward to YIH to have tea (lunch not enough; must have tea also) of creamy hot milo and kaya toast (YUM), where I met Zhihao and ended up having a nice conversation with him about diving. With the free time I had left I decided to continue working on my abs goal (which at this point in time looks absolutely DISMAL coz my body fat percentage is way to high, I have no waist, and my tummy bulges. BLEAH) by going to the gym. Actually it's not much of an abs goal. It's not like abs are all I do in the gym. Always alternate between deltoids, shoulders, biceps, hamstrings and calves (am trying to buld the muscles up), and then abs. But I think only my upper abs are falling into place. I don't know how to work anything else. Hahahahahahaha. How sad is tt? After gym I met Melissa for our run! FINALLY. And we were supposed to run 10km, but tt girl.... tt girl... Okay, because I am now aware tt most of the team read this blog, I cannot divulge which route we ran and what distance otherwise she will kill me, but well... let's just say the run itself almost succeeded in doing just tt. However, the company more than makes up for tt. I love you Melissa Pei. *muakz* We had dinner at Munchie Monkeys! I actually like Munchie Monkeys. And after tt I walked back to hall. And tt was my day. [edit: Wanyi wants me to tell all her fans out there tt she's really a HOT BABE. So I'm adding it. Miss Lee Wanyi is a HOT BABE. ...There. Happy?] | |
"IT'LL HURT HER MORE TO TAKE HER PRIDE AND RUIN HER LIFE" The title is a line taken off the Joss Stone song "The Choking Kind". Was listening to it on my iPod on the way home, and I realise how true it is. "You can kill a girl with a bottle of poison or a knife, but it'll hurt her more to take her pride and ruin her life." Isn't it true? That at the end of the day, the most valuable thing to a girl is her pride, her own sense of self-dignity and self-worth. And this song in relation to an oppressive relationship where the girl is dominated and loses her sense of self, is particularly resonant these past few days. I realise tt a lot more people than I originally expected enter relationships for the wrong reasons. Okay, maybe 'wrong' is too strong a word in my vocabulary, but somehow it seems tt love is no longer the straight-up concept. Correct me if I'm wrong, but nowadays it seems hard-pressing to find people who get into relationships with each other due to mutual attraction and affection. Somehow loneliness, or guilt, or even the niceness of the other party, seem strong enough reasons to enter into relationships with each other. I'm not generalising here, but I realise tt men have very big egos. Men and big egos is a truism; a universal statement of fact. Not tt I condemn men for big egos, because men can similarly condemn women for being emotional or indecisive, but rather, tt on occasion big egos become a cause for incredibly childish behaviour. Sometimes it results in narcicissm; this inane need to talk about yourself; the belief tt you are better than everyone else (and ultimately a belief tt will kill you when you realise too late tt you're not actually). Sometimes it results in insensitivity, in saying things tt you shouldn't at the worst of times, thereby hurting the other party. And although insensitivity means tt you're voicing out what you've thought all along but never said, such tt it gives the other party an insight into what you *really* think, it doesn't really alleviate the pain. And it shows you up to be a petty bitch. And sometimes, it results in incredibly unthinking immature spur-of-the-moment behaviour. The throwing of a tantrum to get attention. Guilt-tripping to garner affection. The tearing down of someone's pride to reaffirm your own ego. But it's different if tt someone else is a girl. Sometimes guys don't get it. They really don't. Girls can take a lot, and contrary to popular belief they're not as weak or as fragile as they may look. Unless you destroy their pride and/or sense of self-worth. Anyway on to better things. Today started off great. We had training at MacRitchie! So exciting. It's such a gorgeous place. Rowing in the reservoir amidst the fish and tortoises (YES there were tortoises) againast the backdrop of green trees and forest and clear blue sky; no buildings, no yucky murky green salty Kallang water, no other people around, just us, a few friendly families and joggers, and green green green. The breeze was so amazing and the water tasted so sweet. Rowing never felt more pleasurable, even though freshwater conditions are different. We had so much fun. The prior cross-country run through the jungle trail killed me, but after tt it just went uphill. Oh except for a few incidents. 1. I was supposed to go get the dragonboat tt was moored in the middle of the reservoir and help row it back to the pontoon. While crossing between boats I accidentally stepped on the blade of a paddle on a seat. And of course, it acted on the seat as a fulcrum, thereby allowing the handle of the paddle to whack me nicely in the head. OUCH. 2. After rowing in the big boat we changed to a small boat. ALL 17 (I think. Or is it 19?) of us squeezed into a boat made for no more than 12 people. The ride back was horrible. I had to paddle extra dead weights, the boat kept rocking dangerously from side to side and we kept encountering threats of capsizing. All the way to the pontoon. EEP. 3. We were given a green bananaboat for the purpose of keeping the dragonboat later. And Geok me and Yirang went on a joyride in the bananaboat with me as the deadweight/passenger being ferried around by Geok and Yirang, who had to paddle furiously only to realise tt we were going nowhere. Oh, and we got scolded for not wearing lifejackets. SCARY. The liefjackets have given me abrasions btw. Basket. 4. Daviders. Aka things said by David. a) "Use the Special Stroke. It's not like the Normal Stroke. It's the Abnormal Stroke." The last one totally offended my linguistic sensibilities. I couldn't say it with a straight face at all. After training it was to dinner with Jane at Holland V. We ate at BK and later Wala Wala and later Swensen's, where she told me a whole whole whole whole lot of stuff. Of which nothing shall go up here of course, except tt she looked as hot as ever, I missed her as much as ever and we had as much fun as ever, and gosh there are just too many issues out there. But when I came home again I got yet another earful from my dad. It's the usual "You are never at home. You never care for a damn thing. Your room is in a mess. You don't seem to care for your parents. Your mom works all day and you're out dragonboating. You seem to do nothing but dragonboating. Dragonboating seems to be your life. Is dragonboating going to secure you a future? Is hanging out with your girls going to secure you a life? You are obligated to your family. We give you money. None of your friends give you money. If you refuse to change I will speak to your officer. You better listen to me when I make threats." Because this is a family-oriented blog (RIGHT!!!) and I don't want to condemn myself to the 8th level of hell (I think I should be between level 5 and 6 by now), I shall refrain from making comment. For now. THE CHOKING KIND I only meant to love you
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| INDULGENCES INDULGENCES Yes I know. I seem to have a penchant for repetition in titles. But well, short of longer better more carefully thought through titles, I figured this would suffice. I had a really *FUN* dragonboat land training last night. We did gym endurance circuits, which was nice and xiong but makes you feel so accomplished and so good later when you try to whack your max reps on timed intervals and set insane goals like "100 reps" (for inclined press) or "80 reps" for seated row or something along those lines. My biceps ache deliciously now. I can't believe some people can train coz it's "hao3 wan2" (fun)... Totally disgusted. Thankfully not my team. :) Ooh. And the run was so much fun. Meaning tt I didn't penchak and die halfway through; it was a "relaxed run" (or a "relax the run!" type run, depending on how you look at it). We ran from SRC to past Fong Seng to Pasta Fresca... and back to Fong Seng. Finally, a team dinner with the WHOLE DAMN TEAM. Wahaha. Yes, I agree and am more than damn proud to admit: I *KNOW* we look formidable. But we are. :) Coz we're draaaaagonboaters. HEH. We sat down 18 to a table (I think). Or rather 4 tables. We ordered a variety of pratas and nasi/mee gorengs and drinks and dinosaurs... YUM. But as usual, Fong Senf never fails to gabra our orders and make poor Cindy and Pinxiu wait 45 min just for their food! Poor Cindy was so hungry tt she was whining... SO CUTE when she whines!!! Okay, I should not be encouraging whining, but seriously. It's the kind of whining tt wants to make you go up to her and give her a great big hug and tell her tt everything's gonna be ok. *sigh* That's Cindy for you. The one and only loveable whiner. Mona was pretty pissed off tt the FS people forgot some of our orders. Together with Yunshan and Serene she walked purposefully to the counter to check. After tt the remaining 2 orders came damn fast. Wahaha. After tt it was back to hall. Jane came by around 11.30pm. We had a girl-bonding session till past 3am with Sam and Wanyi, after which I walked Jane halfway back up to Eusoff. Gosh. Slept at 5am again... I was stoning for half the night in fact. Managed to wake up for my tutorial this morning tho. Couldn't meet my beloved cousins for lunch, but had to meet up with another friend regarding something urgent instead. We also ended up discussing/arguing about our religion. And boy oh boy was my 6pm tutorial an exercise in head-bobbing in front of the tutor. ARGH. I feel so bad now. Now... I'm waiting for my dad to come fetch me. I'm hungry. I wanna have dinnerrrr... I wanna go home!!! And tomorrow (not Sunday anymore), we're training at MacRitchie Reservoir! Exciting!!! 1 more week to MR 500. 1 more week to my Equity and Trusts A written test. 1 more week (okay, less) to Easter Tridium. I still haven't gone for confession. EEP. And I need to start on my essaaaaaayyyyyyyy............. | |
| DANCING DANCING DANCING Well. And so Wednesday has come and gone. I faced my final showdown of the CMB concert, and amidst much kancheong-ness, panic, self-doubt and demoralisation, I pulled it off. Of course people have been telling me tt my dance "wasn't so bad" and tt "I looked really sweet" and all... I guess it's coz they can't say much about the missed and wrong steps in front of the audience. But then again I can't complain. So I'll just put up pictures and let you decide or imagine how the dance might have gone. Before the concert... Us in the dance studio.  From left to right: Wei Wei, Christine, Charmaine, Audris and Evelyn (above Audris), Alice, Elly, myself and Chio. That's the normal pic. Below is the poseur pic.  With Yutaki (we saw him at Phuture later the same night!!!) - the normal pic.  Same. This time the poseur version.  Me with Chio. I like Chio actually. Damn funny guy. At CMB concert, he, Bona, Marc and Kaiyuan were hilarious, esp with their alternate "dance" rendition of "Ain't No Mountain".  I took other pics but I don't know where they are. Anyway the rest of concert (what little I have seen of it) was not too bad. To me the highlight has always been Adrienne/Decai's dance. I don't care how everyone just rolls their eyes and go "It's Adrienne and Decai!". I know. And I STILL say tt they are DAMN DAMN DAMN impressive.  Above is the final pic we took as RetroSheares. After the dance. A lot happier I am, as you can see. Oh, and thank you Sam for the scarf!!! I think it overshadowed everyone else!!! Hahaha. Ooh. And poseur pic of my own. Was testing out my cam in my room after tt, before bathing and still in full make-up. :)  After the concert ended the Mambo Whores finally united after a 1 month hiatus. Being in a photo whore mood, I decided to take a pic of my clubbing outfit. I look sweet from the front... and something else from the back.   We went to Phuture, where we helped down Jack Daniels (I don't like Jack Daniels tho, gotta tell you) in orange juice, and grooved to hip-hop RnB till 3am. It was SO crowded tho. Poor Wanyi kept getting stepped on and pushed around, and I was in a pissed off mood so I used my boots and back muscles to good use by elbowing people and pushing back when pushed. I am so glad tt Beidi was there too! She was like the life of the party, coz Jane was really really tired and the poor girl had to leave early to rest. But we all had a lot of fun, I think. Even with the sore legs and calves and feet (coz of my boot heels and 3 hours of dancing), the dehydration from the alcohol (and a slight cough tt resulted), and the lack of sleep from K.O-ing only at 5am (tried to dynamo my way through my tutorial but gave up). They played the songs I'd danced to at the concert, and they'd played Crazy In Love!!! NICE. :) Happy girl, I am. Meanwhile, I finally have the missing DND pics from Wanyi.  Taken before we went in. Manthu, Beidi, Wanyi, me and Marianne. I love Beidi's hair. It is so luscious tt I'm jealous!!!  Taken in the Marriott TOILET. My god we are such PHOTO WHORES.  Sam, Wanyi and me revisited; at the table.  Wanyi's version of the Table pic. NICE.  And the Block B Year 2 pic. :)  Yes. I'm sure you can tell who my closest friends in hall are. :)  ANOTHER REALLY GOOD COUNTER PIC!!! And finally... the bimbo pics.  Me and Wanyi... looking absolutely dejected tt the party is over.  And me and Beidi desperately wanting Mrs Fields... But it's closed... :( AWWW...  We can't read Chinese!!! Ok. That's all for now. BYEEEEEE. | |
